I Refuse To Quit: What Motivates me to Change my own Life

    I haven't written in a long time, but I want others to know a little about me and my personal motivations to succeed in the real estate field. 

     It all started a few years ago with my father's death. A little bit of a morbid start-off I suppose, but I find that death can be one of life's greatest teachers and inspirations. Up to that point, I had lived my entire life driven and controlled by my own fears and anxieties. I had experienced a phobic level of social anxiety for as long as I can remember and as a result, every decision, circumstance, opportunity and relationship was dictated by those fears. It was so intense, that just anticipating a basic social encounter was enough for me to freeze-up, scatter my mind and flood me with enough fear I couldn't physically force myself to speak. I knew how awkward I looked and that only intensified the fear.

     Since then, I have come a long way but not near enough to release the tremendous and amazing person I have been withholding from myself and the world. I have so much further to go. My father was guilty of wrongdoings towards my mother and I in my childhood and so I had built up a distance towards him throughout life, including when he wanted to come back into mine, all the way up until the point I decided to comfort him through his death.

     Perhaps it sounds callous, but I thought I wouldn't care when my father passed away. When I got the call after he went to the hospital that he had been transferred to hospice, I froze up and I wasn't sure why. It dawned on me that anything between him and I was now going to be just a memory. I knew at that point I meant a lot to him and I decided that doing what I could to be there and comfort him as he passed was the right thing to do. The right decision isn't always clear, but when it is, I never let anything prevent me from doing what is right.

    As he lay dying, he was mostly paralyzed and could not speak, there was only some motion to his eyes. I had contemplated the prospect of death and of my own inevitable death for some time, but here it was staring me in the face. I could feel the anxiety coming off of him, despite his relative stillness. I could feel the racing thoughts, the regrets, the reflection on his own life shifting into a thing of the past. The realization that there would be no new decisions to make or experiences to have, no wrongs to correct, just these last moments of consciousness here in this world. 

    In this and my presence there with him, truths about life and the way I have lived my own life became clear and real to me in a way it never had before. I love to analyze, to think, debate, hypothesize and ask questions, but at times like that, life hits you in a way so real that the empty shell of thought is filled with a kind of life, that from that point onward, will never be empty again.      

    It really occurred to me that my entire life, I had isolated myself from everything and everyone and all of my dreams of grandeur and creative greatness would not only never come to fruition, but I myself would die knowing I never even tried. At that point forward, it became unacceptable to me to ever live a life untrue to myself and prevent myself from experiencing all that life has to offer. I am willing to risk it all and do whatever it takes to live this life absolutely true to myself. It is just not worth it to live a life unsatisfied, unfulfilled, settling for even a little less, clinging to the image and feeling of security.. Because in the end, the is no security and it will all pass away.

    Since I was a young kid, I've always dreamed of playing a part in changing the world, inventing products, new concepts and ideas. I desire greatly to excel, grow, build wealth, truly live life, see what experiences are out there and ultimately leave the world a better place than I came into it. I may fail, but I will never quit and I won't settle for anything less than the best.