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8 Things I Hope My Landlord Never Finds Out…

by Paula Pant on February 19, 2014 · 12 comments

  
Things I Hope My Landlord Never Finds Out

Today, just for fun, I thought I’d write a slightly tongue-in-cheek post from a fictional renter’s perspective.

Hopefully it’ll give some landlords a nice laugh.

(Who’s experienced some of this? Show of hands?)

Without further ado —

8 Things I Hope my Landlord Never Finds Out.

#1. Even though our rental agreement says I cannot have any pets, I’ve had a puppy for the last two months.

Yep — a teething, non-house-broken, furry, shedding, scratching, adorable little puppy. Don’t be mad at me for hiding it — everyone hides their puppy!! Besides, you were planning on replacing the carpet anyway, weren’t you?

#2. I punched a couple holes in the wall.

I hope that you never find out, at least not before I move out (and get my deposit back in full. I’ll be very mad if I don’t get it back in full).

Here’s the thing: Sometimes, late-night parties end up with drunken brawls that turns into damage to your home. Friends, parties, and newly-built homes simply don’t go together.

#3. I broke the plate-glass sliding door to the kitchen, and I put cardboard up to keep bugs out.

Hopefully, I’ll get out of the home without you knowing where I ran off to.

#4. My friends thought it would be funny to wash my clothes in the dishwasher several days in a row.

Even though they thought it was funny, the dishwasher didn’t seem to enjoy it. It hasn’t seemed to clean the dishes the same way used to. Hey — can you come fix it?

#5. My pet snake got loose in the house … and I still haven’t been able to find him.

Yeah, I know the rental agreement said “no pets,” but I figured a snake isn’t really a pet. Right?

I didn’t expect him to get loose in the house. Oh well, I’m sure he’s long gone. I doubt his snakeskin will get spotted by the next tenant after I move …

#6. I had a huge party and — um, it may be possible that one of my friends jumped off the roof, into the backyard pool.

This would probably constitute a break in the lease, but it was just so awesome to watch. I’m just thankful he didn’t get hurt. Your insurance covers injuries like that, right? (Because if not, then we might have to sue …)

#7. Remember those brand-new window blinds that you installed right before move-in?

Well … the thing you have to understand is that they break so easily! It’s not my fault!

#8. I may or may not have lit bottle rockets and various other fireworks inside the house.

I just hope you don’t discover the burn marks in the ceiling … I don’t think you would find it as funny as my friends and I did.
Photo Credit: jspad

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{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }

Dennis February 19, 2014 at 6:49 am

Or, I sold all of your new appliances and the fire extinguisher in the hallway, but don’t worry except for the fire extinguisher I bought all more retro appliances from a local used appliance store.

That was a story from my first rental a duplex, which thankfully someone else now owns.

Reply

Paula Pant February 19, 2014 at 8:55 am

@Dennis — Someone else on BiggerPockets once mentioned that they saw their tenant selling the windows. The windows!! They literally removed the windows from the unit and sold them on Craigslist …

Reply

Joe Foster February 19, 2014 at 7:14 am

Adding some more real life examples.

We don’t have a ladder and your light bulbs are too high, I just call the electrician to change the bulbs and ask him to tell you the ballast needed changing. It’s free for me.

I knew it was the pilot light that needed lit before the cold weather because it’s in the lease, but I don’t know how to do that so I’ll have the HVAC guy come out and do it for me. It’s free for me.

The neighbor is putting in a pool and my lease is up and moving out, I told him he could use “our” water to help fill his pool. It’s free for him, and I’ll never get the bill.

If I let the grass grow, the city will come and cut it for me. It’s free for me!

Reply

Paula Pant February 19, 2014 at 8:51 am

@Joe — Wow, those are great examples of why a landlord shouldn’t let the tenants call service people directly. (Note to self: Explicitly tell tenants that they’re not allowed to call repair/service providers; they MUST call the landlord/property manager.) I’m literally sending myself an email, reminding myself to put that in the lease.

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Eric February 19, 2014 at 7:39 am

When I was a young man and still renting I did have a 5 foot long red tailed boa constrictor that got out of its tank. I assumed it scuttled off into my town to be hit by a car or picked up by animal control. 6 months later my roomate opened up his closet and there the little (big) guy was curled up in a pile of clothes on the floor. How did we share a house with a 5 foot long snake for 6 months and never see him? I have no idea.

So yeah, your list hit pretty close to home. :)

Reply

Paula Pant February 19, 2014 at 8:52 am

@Eric — Thats actually really funny. :-)

Reply

Sara Cunningham February 19, 2014 at 8:25 am

Got 4 out of 8. Plus my ex boyfriend came round and broke through the front door because I wouldn’t let him in. Oh and I thought I’d leave all my food in the fridge for you, don’t worry it’s only been in there a month.
Funny afterwards, not so funny at the time though.

Reply

Paula Pant February 19, 2014 at 8:57 am

@Sara — Oh wow, I can just visualize the front-door damage. Wow ….

Reply

Jason February 19, 2014 at 10:05 am

My favorite (besides pets) is the new permanent house guest/live in boyfriend. I have had really nice tenants turn crappy in a short time period from this. I now get duplicate water bills. Its very easy to see when extra people are living there.

Jason

Reply

Roy N. February 19, 2014 at 10:11 am

Paula:

We allow, nay encourage, the tenants to call our service providers directly: we affix a call list on the inside of a kitchen cabinet door and a copy is included in the binder that comes with their “Welcome Home” kit.

We also have each tenant initial individual sections and sign our “House Rules” which form a Schedule to the lease. In these house rules, they agree to only use service providers from the “approved list” and acknowledge that, by default, they are fiscally responsible. The house rules do elaborate on when we are responsible and all of our service providers know the rules and are very quick to inform the tenant.

Reply

Paula Pant February 19, 2014 at 12:24 pm

@Roy — I suppose it helps a lot to have a short-list of approved contractors (who you can trust will say “no” to frivolous requests). The hard part is finding reliable, affordable, trustworthy contractors …

Reply

Mark W February 26, 2014 at 10:15 am

Roy,
Out of curiosity, could you send me your list of items. I’m new to this game and would appreciate the help.
Thanks!
Mark

Reply

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