Santa Near Starvation! A Christmas Story
Last week, we reported on the shocking news that Santa Claus was facing foreclosure and would be forced from his North Pole residence for points unknown unless he secured a government bailout package that would keep him going till at least next Christmas.
We regret to inform you that shortly after that post appeared, Santa was given the boot and is now residing in a tent near his former workshop which is in Chapter 11 bankruptcy pending reorganization.
BiggerPockets was able to convince Santa to sit for an exclusive interview about his plight and what it may mean for children all over the world come Christmas day when all they’ll find under the tree is a box of stale crackers.
EXCLUSIVE: BiggerPockets Interviews Santa Claus
BP: Good evening Santa.
Santa: Eh? What did you say?
BP: I said, good evening, Santa. Thank you for allowing us into your tent for this interview.
Santa: Moron! You think I let you in so you can get an interview? I need exposure. I need to convince those idiots in Washington to lend me a few billion dollars of taxpayers’ money. I don’t give a flying–you know what– about your stupid interview.
BP: Santa. I never knew you could swear like a drunken sailor?
Santa: Hey. You get kicked out of your home into snow a week before Christmas and you’ll be telling your own mother to…..
BP: Well,yes, perhaps. But, I’d like to get to the topic at hand, if I may?
Exactly what brought you to this sorry state?
Santa: Long story, boy. But in a nutshell, I was working my backside off as usual this time of year, trying to get those lazy elves motivated, trying to convince bankers from Rio to London to just give a bridge loan. And, you know what they told me? Eh? Of course you don’t. They told me they were in some freaking credit squeeze and they couldn’t justify loaning me even a dime. Me, Santa! The guy that has to put up with all those children who nowadays are fatter than me. ‘Santa, what did you bring me this year?’ ‘Santa, did you bring me the iPod I asked for?’ ‘Santa, how about that new BMW?’
BP: Excuse me, did you say, BMW?
Santa: Sure. We have an adult division you know. They’re even worse than the kiddies. Anyway, after doing this crap for, what, a couple of hundred years’ of Christmases, they tell me they can’t loan me any money to pay the mortgage and pay those good for nothing elves?
BP: Well, that’s apparently what they did tell you. So, what now?
Santa: You know, things are really bleak for me this Christmas. Hey, mind handing me that flask next to you. Santa needs a little liquid cheer to keep on going. Thanks. Where was I? Oh, yeah, my workshop is gone, my residence is gone, my elves haven’t been paid in weeks and even my wife as turned on me. But then I got this brainstorm, you know.
Santa: I figured, if the banks won’t give ol’ Santa money, the U.S. government certainly will, right? I mean, they bailout Wall Street and now the auto industry. Now it’s Santa’s turn! Well, at least that’s what I thought. But Congress wouldn’t go along with it. They said if Santa goes under, someone else will come along to bring those little brats their Christmas gifts. Yeah, like who, Toys R Us?
BP: Wow, that IS a sad story, Santa. I wish there was something I could do to help? By the way, what about your reindeer fleet?
Santa: My what?
BP: Your reindeer fleet. You know, Rudlolph the red-nosed reindeer.
Santa: I ate them.
BP: You did what?
Santa: I said, I ate them. Santa’s gotta eat, you know. I’ve already lost 50 pounds. Besides, I couldn’t afford to feed them anymore and reindeer are pretty tasty….a bit chewy, but full flavored.
BP: I can’t believe this. I can’t believe that, that, that Santa is sitting out in the snow under a tent swearing and eating his reindeer. What will you do now? Where will you go?
Santa: What are you, Barbara Walters? ‘Santa, if you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?’ Christ, what stupid questions. How the hell should I know what I am going to do next? I’m hoping that the incoming Obama administration will turn things around. Bright fella that Obama. Good head on his shoulders. I think I can convince him to give me some of those taxpayer dollars so I can start up again. Maybe put a down payment on a new house? Hey, I’m so sorry, dude.
BP: Santa doesn’t say, dude!
Santa: Whatever. I was trying to say I’ve been rude to you. You came all this way to shoot the bull with Santa and I didn’t even offer you some food or drink.
BP: Well, that’s real nice of you. Yes, I think I’d like something to eat.
Santa: Good. Here, I had these sandwiches already made. Go ahead.
BP: You know, this is pretty good. Can’t exactly place the taste, though? What do you call this?
Santa: It’s my Ruldolph Special. Lucky you. You got the nose!
BREAKING NEWS–Federal prosecutors say Santa will soon be arrested on a criminal complaint and charged with being the mastermind of a huge, global real estate fraud said to be worth billions of dollars.
“Turns out, Santa was handing out subprime loans every Christmas,” said a source familiar with very little.