Okay. I have waited long enough. I have sat back and watched as all those so-called “experts” came up with all sorts of schemes to save banks, car companies, brokerage houses, their own asses, space ships (maybe not space ships…but, hell, why not?) and democracy. It is about time I stepped in with my own schemes (I mean plans) to fix what is wrong with the entire housing/real estate market. I know this is bold of me, but someone has to do the dirty work and I figure it might as well be me!
Of course, I am not above stealing (I mean adopting) the programs of others for my own purposes. Does this make me a bad person? I think not! It may make me a politician, but not a bad person.
Cash for Stinkers
First, then—-we have cash for clunkers…why not cash for stinkers? All those homes on the verge of foreclosure—why can’t the government just hand the home owner a big fat check–say $150 thousand–to be used toward the purchase of a new, more fuel efficient house!
Just like people are now flocking to buy new cars, people will flock to scoop up new homes within days–and then, when the money runs dry,we put everyone else in big detention camps run by the military. (Okay, that is apparently already sort of a government plan in the works, according to some reports, so I may have to share credit for this with the Pentagon?
Too small to hassle
I really like this idea. Under the too small to hassle program, owners of threatened homes would be designated too small to hassle…meaning any bank trying to scare them into making mortgage payments, would automatically be taken over by the FDIC and sold at auction to North Korean investors (they DO have investors in North Korea, don’t they???)
By now, I hope you can see how I have managed to take those silly government programs and adopt them to the real world…something the government seems unable or unwilling to do!
Oh, and I have a plan for health care reform, too, of course–one that will take care of all our problems at once—sort of a universal fix.
We simply let everyone without health insurance or who are under insured die of their illnesses—and then we take over their homes and cars!
Hey, don’t knock it till we try it.