So here we are in a new year – 2010. Just two days in I managed to accomplish something that I hadn’t done in many years – I got sick! I’m not talking about not feeling great and dragging yourself through a day while you feel miserable. I’m talking in the bed unable to do anything even if you wanted to, which I certainly didn’t.
While I was certain that it had to be Bubonic Plague, Red Death, or at least the Swine Flu, it turned out to be none of the above. I was just sick. After a couple of days I started to emerge from the depths of illness only to be faced with something no living human being should ever have to endure – daytime TV!
Emerging from the Darkness
The mindless drivel was bad enough, the commercials were even worse. As I watched, it dawned on me how different the daytime advertisements were. As I thought about the audience they were geared to it began to make perfect sense. Some of the commercials cracked me up, could people really be stupid enough to fall for them?
One ad was for a school that touted the high demand for construction managers. In just a few short months employers would be throwing money at you and your new “certificate.” The local construction market was in the toilet but somehow there was still an incredible demand for construction managers. Other third-rate technical schools touted all sorts of useless training. Not to worry about money, financial aid (read high-cost loans) was available.
An Entitled Society
The most difficult ads to stomach were the ones from lawyers. It seems they want the public to think of misfortune as a lottery ticket. “In a wreck? Need a check?” screamed one ambulance chaser. Others were worse, “We’ll get you the money you deserve” or ” Do you know what compensation you’re entitled to?” I think of these shysters whenever I write a check to my insurance company. It’s not that I don’t think people deserve to be compensated for loss through someone else’s negligence, it’s just the way they spin it that makes my skin crawl.
With the economy and housing market the way it is, the bankruptcy and loan modification lawyers are leaving their slime trails all across the TV screen. “Are the credit card companies treating you unfairly?” We’ll duh, I maxed out my cards buying a flat-screen TV and other useless junk that I had to have – and now they want me to pay it back! I’m a victim.
“Upside down on your house? Are the bills piling up? We can make them all go away!” Well why should I have to pay? Everyone knows real estate only goes up. It’s not my fault so why should I have to pay it back? I deserve a bailout too!
“Are your mortgage payments too high? Of course they are. I can eliminate your second and third (and 4th, 5th, and 6th) mortgage and have your payments reduced. Don’t be a victim any longer!” We’ll awright! I just knew those greedy bankers were taking advantage of me when I told them I made $400k a year as a bartender. They should have known better than to give me a loan. Poor me.
A Radical Idea
On and on it went. I thought I was having a relapse but it was just the TV that was making me sick. However, I may have hit on the perfect answer to the nation’s health care dilemma. This solution would be far cheaper than any 2,000-page bill crafted by the Caped Crusaders of the Washington Beltway. Whenever someone falls ill just have them watch daytime TV, it worked for me.
I don’t believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear. – Woody Allen
Photo: The Artifex