First deal- Dealing with unsupportive family?

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First deal- Dealing with unsupportive family?

Jose Duque
Binghamton, NY · Member since 2017 · 9 posts · 8 votes

Hey guys,

I came here seeking some advice/support on this. I am a new investor who is closing on my  very first property (a house hack) within a month. Now the place doesn't look amazing, it needs some cosmetic work, but it cash flows for days, it is structurally sound- no big ticket expenses, as well as it is located in a really desirable area for student housing. I was the happiest man around ...until my parents came up to see the place. No matter how hard i tried to assuage their feelings about this place they could not see behind the grime and the dirt. They hated it so much that my mom cried and basically made me feel like a turd for buying it. Now yes, this house was cheap and with my engineering salary I could buy something nicer, but they did not care at all about the cash flow. I haven't been able to sleep because there is no way i can back out of this deal without getting sued since we are so close to closing. I'm not sure I even want to back out, because I am confident in my estimates. I just feel extremely disheartened to have worked so hard to find this property and to be talked down to. Sorry, maybe i'm just ranting. Has anyone else had experiences with supportive family or friends?

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Khaled Helmi
Flipper/Rehabber · Clarksville, MD · Member since 2014 · 85 posts · 66 votes
9y

@Jose Duque - between us I'd ask yourself: How good are you parents financially?  Are they savvy investors?  Are they financially where you want to be at their age or not?

If the answer is "no" then you should love, respect, honor them for all the stuff they've done for you BUT understand that if they haven't succeeded in their own personal financial world then their advice needs to be taken with a grain of salt.  If their criticism isn't based on logic, and your mom crying seems to suggest its more emotional, then you just have to understand that its probably not sound investment (or life) advice.

I think your parents will be ok but it may take some time.  But the best thing you can do to make them feel better is make it a success and show them how much your banking doing it!

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  • Steven D.
    Investor · Arvada, CO · Member since 2017 · 109 posts · 112 votes
    9y

    My parents hated the idea of me renting out my place, but in the end it was my house and my money. About 6 months have passed and they see how well I am doing with it and think it is a good idea. You can't please everyone, good luck!

    9Reply
  • Jose Duque
    OP
    Binghamton, NY · Member since 2017 · 9 posts · 8 votes
    9y

    Thanks for your reply Steven. That makes me feel a little better, I'm hoping that in a couple of months they will change their mind.

    1Reply
  • Account Closed
    Rental Property Investor · Indianapolis, IN · Member since 2017 · 50 posts · 29 votes
    9y
    If you are confident in your estimates and numbers, then stay confident with your decision and don't worry about it. Everybody has a different thought process and some people can't see past dirt/trash etc. In a few months when the place is cleaned up and fixed up I'm sure that they will have a different opinion about it!
    7Reply
  • John Blackman
    Developer · Austin, TX · Member since 2010 · 371 posts · 284 votes
    9y

    Show them your projections and your plan.  You can fix the place up as you live there and you are setting yourself up for owning a nice cash flowing asset that will be the foundation of your financial freedom.  Parents and friends are not always our best supporters.  Most aren't investors.  Find those that are. They will back you up.

    Congratulations on your first asset!

    6Reply
  • Khaled Helmi
    Flipper/Rehabber · Clarksville, MD · Member since 2014 · 85 posts · 66 votes
    9y

    @Jose Duque - between us I'd ask yourself: How good are you parents financially?  Are they savvy investors?  Are they financially where you want to be at their age or not?

    If the answer is "no" then you should love, respect, honor them for all the stuff they've done for you BUT understand that if they haven't succeeded in their own personal financial world then their advice needs to be taken with a grain of salt.  If their criticism isn't based on logic, and your mom crying seems to suggest its more emotional, then you just have to understand that its probably not sound investment (or life) advice.

    I think your parents will be ok but it may take some time.  But the best thing you can do to make them feel better is make it a success and show them how much your banking doing it!

    17Reply
  • Andrew Johnson
    Real Estate Investor · Encinitas, CA · Member since 2016 · 3k+ posts · 3k+ votes
    9y

    @Jose Duque For what it's worth I don't think you need (or should seek out) supportive family or friends.  You should want those people in your life (whether you like it or not) that will poke all of the holes they can in your deal.  They only have your best interest at heart and don't have a financial stake in getting the deal done.  And you'll have a share of those people that are supportive.  Either way, you should covet their authentic reaction even when it's tears.  

    You always have to consider that your mom may not want "her baby" living in a grimy dirty home.  She might think that she worked long hours just so you *didn't* have to live in a grimy home.  So who knows if your mom would have been against *any* property or just this property.  I have no idea if she has invested in property before, just owned her own home, or rented her entire life.  Maybe she bought 3 investment properties in 2006 and lost them 2 years later, who knows.  History and experience have a huge impact on the lens through which you view these things.  

    If I were in your shoes the only thing I would have augmented was the timing.  See her dismay before you have an accepted offer so that you can double-down on your (self) resolve that it *is* the right deal for you.  I can't tell you how many times I've gone to people close to me and asked for them to tell me all of the reasons I might regret buying a certain property.  You need that check-and-balance from a neutral party even if it comes with second guessing and (again) tears.

    I know that BP is supposed to be a place for "push-through" and "attaboys" but it sounds like you're there already.  And if you're making the decision to still move forward even after all of that, then you know you have a solid property that you believe in.  Which, after all, should demonstrate it's value over time.  Who knows, maybe at Christmas you can take the parents to the home for a not-so-grungy-tour.  

    7Reply
  • Jose Duque
    OP
    Binghamton, NY · Member since 2017 · 9 posts · 8 votes
    9y

    Thank you all for the responses. I guess it's hard to get those we love to see things the way we want sometimes. I really appreciate your kind words and i'm happy to be able to rely on such a wonderful community to make me feel confident again. I'm gonna stick it out like I planned and put the work in, and hopefully they will be proud of me next time they visit

    1Reply
  • Steve K.
    Denver, CO · Member since 2017 · 265 posts · 234 votes
    9y

    @Jose Duque , ...it's generational and an ingrained point of view in their world-view; you are merely adopting a new untried world-view.

    I re-read "Rich Dad, Poor Dad" and newly read "4-hr Work Week" last month on vacation. Between the two, I'm guessing you align with the new concept that you don't want to work 40 years, living as high of standard of living as you can with each raise/promotion, save a little, and get to retire at age 65.

    Parents dream that their kids will live a better life than them. Likely, your mom sees it as a concession that you're not getting a high enough lifestyle, despite your job. It's mostly exaggerated by your house-hack strategy. She'd likely object less if you rehabbed it as a rental, and lived in the nicest home you could afford elsewhere.

    There is a difference in buying an ugly house for an investment, vs. living in an ugly house because you're living beneath the standard of living your mom hoped for you. Would it help to show before/after photos of what BP investors are doing to the ugly home? I saw this set of before/after from @Lee Fahy (worth reading for the humor alone).

    https://www.biggerpockets.com/forums/522/topics/46...

    If you're needing a concise narrative of why you're goals are to invest in RE, check out @Billie Miller , read a couple of her blog posts on that weblink below her address:

    https://www.biggerpockets.com/forums/12/topics/464...

    ...to show your folks what can be done.

    Best wishes.

    4Reply
  • Linda S.
    Investor · Richmond, VA · Member since 2016 · 1k+ posts · 2k+ votes
    9y

    @Jose Duque,

    It's completely normal, and I'm sure everyone went through this at first.   My dad hated my first place, said it'd be my "worst decision ever" and even offered me $20K if I moved closer to him... so I get it, I didn't get tears from my mom, but strong disapproval is normal.     

    Realize there are 2 types of people, and 2 types of brains--- regular, and investors.   From what you've said, I think it sounds like a great long term rental, and a wise investment decision!   Investors get it, and see the value, and see the excitement and the $$!!! .... Regular people, see problems, and expenses, and immediately think you shouldn't be in that type of area.    just realize, it's normal!    Surround yourself with those who support and get it, it's the minority of people, but just believe in yourself and your strategy! 

    5Reply
  • Karen S.
    Investor · Sewickley, PA · Member since 2017 · 59 posts · 32 votes
    9y

    The fact that some people respond really negatively to dirty distressed homes is the main reason that they are available at lower prices for investors seeking cashflow opportunities. It's probably not just your mom, but many people who would see this place as "a dump". That's ok, they can buy it when it's all fixed up, for a higher price. We just invested in a place that is very similar to one we looked at twenty years ago. At that time we could not have imagined dealing with the problems that were no big deal for us now.

    7Reply
  • Paul Bowers
    Real Estate Investor · Macedon, NY · Member since 2016 · 251 posts · 290 votes
    9y

    @Jose Duque, it's funny, I'm actually on the other side of the spectrum currently.  I'm 52 and have a 20yo daughter who I'm begging to buy the type of place you've found so she can start building true wealth and she doesn't want to "share" a house or live in a fixer upper.  I just bought me first property and I'm hoping over time she sees the benefits we derive from it and starts investing at a much younger age than I did.

    3Reply
  • Jose Duque
    OP
    Binghamton, NY · Member since 2017 · 9 posts · 8 votes
    9y

    @Steve K. You are right, I think it is a generational, i've always had a tough time trying to reconcile our differences when it comes to financial decisions. Hilarious post by Lee, thanks for linking it - it put a smile on my face

    @Linda S. I think you hit the nail on the head. At least it's good to know i'm not the only one who has been through it =) . I've been getting involved in my local REI group, and hopefully i will make some new friends with an investors point of view.

    0Reply
  • Jose Duque
    OP
    Binghamton, NY · Member since 2017 · 9 posts · 8 votes
    9y

    @Paul Bowers I hope she comes around, we need more young investors! Congratulations on your first property by the way.

    @Karen S. I totally know what you mean. There were a lot of places i turned down because i saw them as un-doable (at least for someone like me with almost no repair experience.) But i just bought my first tool set last week, and I am looking forward to learning!

    0Reply
  • Billie Miller
    Real Estate Agent · Denver, CO · Member since 2014 · 151 posts · 101 votes
    9y

    I'm so sorry to hear this! This can be so hard.

    We have some friends and family members that don't understand some of our decisions too. It's especially difficult when it's close family members. Sometimes parents have a hard time accepting why their children want to do things differently than they did. 

    I think if this is something you really want to do, you just need to respectfully tell them that you value their input, but you think this is a good move for X reason and you're going to do it. 

    When we are getting a little discouraged, it's helped us to reach out to the real estate investing community for inspiration. Read success stories in the forums, listen to podcasts, etc. Surround yourself with people who have similar goals and lifestyles as you do, and it will make the negative reactions from those closer to you a little more palatable.

    1Reply
  • Jeff P.
    Livonia, MI · Member since 2017 · 40 posts · 9 votes
    9y
    Great advice in many posts above, so I won't rehash them. When I bought my first multi, my wife warned me if I crashed and burned she was taking the kids and leaving (no joke-she would). I only told my mom and stepdad about my properties this past January (and it's been 8 years since the first purchase) as my stepdad often disapproves of many things I do. I think most people feed off naysayers. I know I do. If your projections are correct, then damn the torpedoes, full steam ahead! And when you prove the numbers months or years down the road, you've earned the right to beam with pride. Let them fuel your fire. Good luck.
    0Reply
  • Krista O'BrienPro Member
    Investor · Savannah, GA · Member since 2017 · 1 post · 0 votes
    9y

    I'm sorry that you are experiencing an unsupportive environment from your family...they can often make you second guess your choices.

    With that being said, go back to your numbers - do they make sense?  If so (and is sounds like they do), you'll need to resolve that your choice is the best one for you.   You have goals and a vision different than your family.

    After you get in, you can clean up the place, make if feel like a home, and hopefully make your mother feel better.

    0Reply
  • Jeffrey Hotz
    Real Estate Professional · Dublin, OH · Member since 2013 · 251 posts · 165 votes
    9y
    If I did whatever my parents thought was good for me I'd be homeless and broke.
    1Reply
  • Katherine S.
    Investor · Grosse Pointe Shores, MI · Member since 2017 · 160 posts · 74 votes
    9y

    Ask your mom to watch the flip shows on HGTV.   Maybe it would help her understand once she sees lots of "before" and "afters".   Send her lots of photos of your progress. 

    0Reply
  • Thomas S.
    Member since 2016 · 13k+ posts · 12k+ votes
    9y

    The deal is done. You need to remain determined to prove to yourself and others that you can accomplish your goals. Do not be swayed by the opinions of other people that are less educated than yourself on real estate investing.

    This will turn out to be the best possible situation to prove to your parents that you do know what you are doing. Assuming you are successful that success will be magnified 10 fold based on their initial negative response.

    Of course if you fail your parents will have been right again. Just don't fail.

    1Reply
  • Joey Michael Mims
    Cleburne, TX · Member since 2017 · 7 posts · 1 vote
    9y
    Don't let unsupportive people or family get you down. You've done your due diligence and are confident in your decision. Pay no attention to doubters and do you. This is your life. You only live it once. Keep reminding yourself that's it's a good decision and stay positive.
    0Reply
  • Patrick Kelly
    Investor · canton, MA · Member since 2015 · 33 posts · 8 votes
    9y

    @Jose Duque Your parents may not be able to see the value in the decision you are making now, but in 5 years when they see where you are and how far you came in such a short time they will be more than proud of the decision you have made. If you have local knowledge and the numbers are good follow through and reap the rewards. Good Luck!

    0Reply
  • Brandon Brown
    Rental Property Investor · Nashville, TN · Member since 2015 · 102 posts · 129 votes
    9y

    My family rented places for most of their life and when I told them about my duplex deal they totally understood my strategy.  A lot of people don't have the means to take risks as we do here in the BP community.  I am humbled and motivated by the fact I own places similar to ones I lived in as a child (renting).  It takes a different mentality to give up short term comfort for long term gains.  Keep doing what your doing.

    0Reply
  • Garrett Diegel
    Rental Property Investor · NV · Member since 2014 · 241 posts · 85 votes
    9y

    In the end it is your decision and most peoples disapproval or anger with anything is because they don't understand it. We have had successful properties for a while now and people still ask us "How are the apartments going?" with a hint of expectation that we are going to scream out "Horrible!!" When in fact they are amazing and the best decision we have made. In my experience people are afraid and if you succeed in something they either don't understand or they wish THEY could succeed in. They will disapprove of it. If you aren't getting the reaction you want don't worry about it. Just talk about something else at thanksgiving. 

    0Reply
  • Jim Goebel
    Real Estate Investor · Des Moines, IA · Member since 2016 · 922 posts · 533 votes
    9y

    Couple things Jose

    Firstly, there's an element of control with any parents or in laws - they struggle through letting their kids grow up, and in some cases, have something really concrete to offer.  In what you described, to be totally honest, I think you picked the WRONG time to show them what you were doing.  Hear me out.  

    If you had engaged them either earlier (as in, during your thought process of entertaining this type of decision/purchase and/or during the shopping process) they may have felt like you engaged them at a time where if they DID have something to offer, they may have been able to do it.  If you went with the route that we did, and WAITED to engage them, they would have likely felt in the dark, but at least you would have had the track record after having got through a rehab to show them that you were ready to take it on.

    More than likely their reactions are coming out of love and worry.  If they aren't 'roll up their sleeves' type of people, then there's going to be concerned about your decision and ability to handle it.  After all they want the best for you.

    I'm speaking to this from experience, by the way.  It was a BIG BIG deal how my wife and I choose to handle sharing information and engaging the in laws (her parents) when we first got started.  Of course there were some other things to consider (religious family and we were engaged so needed to be thoughtful of who was living where, etc).  I think you mentioned the engineering background.  I would advise you to be VERY thoughtful about how and when you share information with EVERYONE around you as you embark on all of this.  I also came from an engineering background and this idea was completely foreign to me until I did business school and had to get some hard lessons in life in other ways..

    Now that you are where you are - get ready to buck up.  Don't fail - that would be the worst thing and you may never grow up and have to hear your parents talk about how you should engage them in all your decisions in the future.  Get ready to buck up and get through it.  Show them you can do it.  Make it a success.

    0Reply
  • Jim Goebel
    Real Estate Investor · Des Moines, IA · Member since 2016 · 922 posts · 533 votes
    9y

    Also, I would echo what others here say.  I still contend with some short sighted thinking from people who can't 'wrap their heads' around what we are doing.  It varies but usually comes out in subtle ways when people express unchallenged ignorant ideas that haven't gone through the critical thinking gauntlet - for instance, lumping 'groups' of people together (ie: you're a contractor if you're doing things that someone thinks a contractor would do), buying into this false premise of letting others determine what occupations/etc should be held in esteem, etc.  Most of these folks will never be great.  They aspire to a middle/middle upper class life and can't see anything beyond that.

    0Reply
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