In a difficult place with an old friend - need advice

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In a difficult place with an old friend - need advice

Chris M.
Portland, OR · Member since 2016 · 108 posts · 33 votes

Hey guys, I'm in a tough spot here and would really love to hear from others who may have been in similar situations.

One of my oldest friends is having a hard time growing up. He's a stoner and plays a lot of video games and doesn't seem to ever be following through with any plans to become something greater. He's pretty much like a brother to me and is one of the friends I spend a lot of time with... but I don't want to be a video game playing stoner.

Something that Josh and Brandon often emphasize here on BiggerPockets is to associate with the kind of people you strive to be like. It makes a lot of sense and I am now actively trying to connect to other business owners and investors to form new friendships.

My question is: have any of you been in a similar situation? How did you handle it and what happened to the relationship? 

I've known this guy since I was five years old and this is a really tough spot. We still have fun times... but for the past year I've been getting a little burnt on weed and video games (I'm completely sober now). I'm determined to become successful and financially free, but feel as though if I keep hanging out with him it'll be like an anchor or at least extra weight that'll slow me down on the path I want to take in life. Am I being selfish? Is this wrong? Like I said, he's one of my main friends and someone I spend a decent amount of time with.

Thanks guys and I sincerely look forward to your thoughts here. This is a tough place for me and I want to handle it in the best way that I can.

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David Dachtera
Rental Property Investor · Rockford, IL · Member since 2014 · 4k+ posts · 2k+ votes
9y

@Chris M.,

If you hang out with four broke people, who'll be the fifth?

If you hang out with four successful poeple, who'll be the fifth?

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  • Sarah Lorenz
    Specialist · Ann Arbor, MI · Member since 2016 · 355 posts · 191 votes
    9y
    If you feel like it's time to grow up, grow up. You don't have to cut him off entirely, but start doing other things with most of your time.
    0Reply
  • Ellie Hanson
    Investor · Portland, OR · Member since 2015 · 119 posts · 78 votes
    9y
    You'll be too busy soon enough to hang out too much being so unproductive. I wouldn't say cut him out completely but I would say be honest with him. Something along the lines of "I'd love to hang out but can't spend too much time. Unless you'd like to come drive for dollars with me and we can chat." Or whatever you feel comfortable saying. To me video games are a total waste of time but don't discount the need to disconnect sometimes and just relax.
    0Reply
  • Charlie John
    Investor · Twin Cities, MN · Member since 2015 · 130 posts · 111 votes
    9y

    @Chris M. Plenty of successful people I know smoke a little bit of weed here and there, so there's nothing wrong with it. But choosing to get high over doing what needs to be done to achieve your goals is not good. It sounds like you are starting to understanding that. Honestly dude, you don't need to say anything to anyone but yourself. It sounds like you are saying he is the one holding you back and don't know how to tell him that. That's ridiculous. You are the only one who can choose what you decide to do tomorrow and the next day. Don't talk about it, be about it man! 

    1Reply
  • John P.
    Investor · Vacaville, CA · Member since 2016 · 433 posts · 249 votes
    9y

    I would slowly move him to the second or third tier friends. Maybe get together for a beer (or 10) on occasion but don't make it a regular thing. Nothing formal needs to be said to him.

    1Reply
  • Ryan Cameron
    Investor · Philadelphia, PA · Member since 2014 · 351 posts · 80 votes
    9y

    @Chris M. You have to do what is best for you buddy. Maybe he is okay with where he is in life right now. Maybe he'll come around later in life. Either way that is his decision. You don't have to lose this friend to pursue your goals.

    0Reply
  • David Dachtera
    Rental Property Investor · Rockford, IL · Member since 2014 · 4k+ posts · 2k+ votes
    9y

    @Chris M.,

    If you hang out with four broke people, who'll be the fifth?

    If you hang out with four successful poeple, who'll be the fifth?

    4Reply
  • Chris M.
    OP
    Portland, OR · Member since 2016 · 108 posts · 33 votes
    9y

    Talk about a diverse set of perspectives! I really appreciate the replies folks. This might take a minute, but I'm going to address each one:

    @Sarah Lorenz sorry if I misportrayed the situation in my post: I'm fully grown up, he's not. I'm a local business owner of a company that I turned profitable after the first year running it (the family biz). This year is our third profitable year in a row with double the profit margin of 2014. I'm a full-grown man... it's my friend that's the problem.

    @Ellie Hanson This makes a lot of sense to me. It doesn't have to be a big confrontation... it doesn't have to be some dramatic talk... I'll tell him what I'm doing with my life and the things I want to do and he'll know I'm at least being honest with him and just busy as hell. To be honest, I already am pretty freaking busy... but when I do hang out with friends, he's one of the main two that I've got. That's the issue.

    @Charlie John Agree with you here, but he is a heavy user. I'm talking 3-10 bong rips a day... a six pack of beer or more every night. It's unhealthy, but you can't change him, can't tell him to do anything. The thing is: he has so many other fantastic qualities... but it's a bummer because the intoxicants really do inhibit his potential.

    @John P. I think this plays into the point that Ellie had... it doesn't have to be anything dramatic... I can just be honest with him and get busier and busier.

    @Ryan Cameron what saddens me is that I know it's psychological issues... but he's so damn stubborn there's nothing you can do to change him. He's definitely not happy with his life overall, I can tell you that. He's capable of so much more and he knows it.

    @David Dachtera I like that a lot man... and agree with it. If I hang out with successful people, they'll make me want to push myself to keep up with them. When I hang out with my friend whom I am talking about in this thread, I feel as if I'm sinking lower. I mean, how could I not when all we end up doing is playing video games or shooting pool? Man... I'd love to have someone to talk business with!

    Thanks again for the replies, really appreciate this and it has helped me think about the situation more clearly.

    0Reply
  • David Zheng
    Investor · Saint Louis, MO · Member since 2016 · 970 posts · 1k+ votes
    9y

    you're on the right path. The first step is admitting there's a problem. Like you said, you will need to start associating yourself with likeminded people if you want to really succeed. Your friend will have to discover that on his own at some point. But don't waste too much time babying and pushing him to fit your standards. just do you even if it means cutting him mostly out of your life. I've followed this philosophy with a lot of ex's and guess what, I'm at 7 units at 25 years old (working on an apartment building right now) with a full time @ wells fargo and I just started investing this year. I'm also a raver with a lot of "raver friends" but as long as I don't let them control me or waste my time trying to change them, I'll be where I want to be.

    0Reply
  • David Dachtera
    Rental Property Investor · Rockford, IL · Member since 2014 · 4k+ posts · 2k+ votes
    9y

    @Chris M.,

    It's not that you're shutting him out - in fact, invite him to participate.

    If he chooses not to participate, then it's his choice and not your fault.

    1Reply
  • JD MartinBusiness Member
    Moderator
    Rock Star Extraordinaire · Northeast, TN · Member since 2015 · 10k+ posts · 16k+ votes
    9y
    Originally posted by @David Dachtera:

    @Chris M.,

    It's not that you're shutting him out - in fact, invite him to participate.

    If he chooses not to participate, then it's his choice and not your fault.

     This would be my strategy. When you get the call "Hey bud, let's party!" you report "Man, I gotta go check out this neighborhood for a possible house sale, but I'd love to have some company - come with me!". 

    Sometimes things just kind of whither. Having good friends - I mean good friends - is one of the blessings of life, but you've got to be in some kind of synchronicity. 

    Podcast Guest on Show #243
    Skyline Properties
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    2Reply
  • Sarah D.
    San Diego, CA · Member since 2015 · 273 posts · 226 votes
    9y

    @Chris M. I can relate, but in a different way.  My personal and professional goals and values have changed drastically in the last 4 years, and it has made it very challenging to relate to a lot of our friends.  My husband and I are working towards financial freedom, and on a personal level I have really embraced minimalism (in terms of not buying 'stuff' and not spending money on experiences that don't enhance my life).  This has made it so hard to relate to friends who just want to talk corporate work stuff, or who want to talk about the latest restaurants they've been at, etc.  I've found that distance gradually forms between people who don't share your goals/values without anything needing to be said.  But on the other hand, you start to form closer friendships with people who embrace the goals/values that you do.

    One of the things I'm working towards is making friends I can talk real estate with, so we can learn/grow together.  I wholeheartedly agree with the idea that your success can be predicted based on the company you keep.  

    Best of luck with your friendship's transition, and best of luck to your friend in finding his path.

    Side note, congratulations on your business success!  

    0Reply
  • Jeffery Waicak
    Investor · Massillon, OH · Member since 2015 · 266 posts · 156 votes
    9y

    I would say just  keep him around as a friend.  I know they say that your income is the average of your 5 closest friends. I'm not sure I agree with that. It sounds like you hang out when you have the time, and when you don't, you don't. When you do hang out its video games,  good conversation, I could imagine  some take out food, a few beers, maybe  a hit or two. So Imo, that sounds like an inexpensive  fun night.  Could be wrong,  I don't game, just not me. Maybe, sooner or later you'll hear the pop. That's when his head pops out of his ....  maybe  not.  But what I will leave you with is, of don't have many friends,  I've got a healthy pile of  money.  For me, it's much easier to make money than friends. 

    0Reply
  • Chris M.
    OP
    Portland, OR · Member since 2016 · 108 posts · 33 votes
    9y

    Thanks guys for the thoughts and comments. I'll address each one individually once again:

    @David Zheng First off: well done on the 7 units at 25 years-old-man, rock on... that is awesome! Secondly, I appreciate your thoughts here and think you're right: why should I spend a big portion of my life, time and energy trying to make someone else change? It's incredibly difficult to change others, in fact, it usually ends up being a waste of time. Life is too short... I must focus on my own path!

    @David Dachtera I agree with the sentiment, but preemptively know he will decline. It's honestly pointless to even extend the invitation. Yeah, kinda depressing, I know...

    @JD Martin Yeah man I wish he would join, but I know he won't. This might be a case of friends just drifting apart in later years. It happens, but it does make me kind of sad. But there are definitely other childhood friends that I've drifted from, it's not an unknown phenomena.

    @Sarah D. Thank you for the thoughts, Sarah, and it sounds like you and your husband are on the right path yourselves. Yes, frugality, minimalism or focusing on things that actually matter in life unlike material things are the signs of someone bound to be successful. My attitude has always been this way... I wear sweatpants and a t-shirt pretty much every day of my life, could care less about driving a fancy car. I'm more concerned about financial freedom and complete life freedom in the sense of mobility and time off when I want it. Best wishes to you and your husband on your journey to financial freedom, Sarah!

    @Jeffrey Waicak it's fun, there's no doubt... but man, I have so little free time these days that I don't know I want to fill it with weed and video games. Everyone needs leisure time, I know, but for me that's watching a few episodes of a comedy I enjoy late at night when I finally get home to get some laughs/blow off some steam. Playing video games for five hours just doesn't do it for me anymore. With my non-tired free time I really enjoy learning new things (like real estate investing) or being productive in a way that doesn't relate to my business (like my own creative pursuits).

    Thanks again everyone for the thoughts this has truly helped clear the picture for me. I'm pretty certain on a path forward now, but I will reply to this thread when something happens/how things progress. Really appreciate this... I didn't know who else to speak with about this and you guys really stepped in and gave me some good advice and thoughts.

    0Reply
  • David Dachtera
    Rental Property Investor · Rockford, IL · Member since 2014 · 4k+ posts · 2k+ votes
    9y

    @Chris M.,

    Extend the invitation anyway - let HIM decide. That way, he can never blame you. THAT is the point!

    0Reply
  • Jeremy Bowen
    Mt. Sterling, KY · Member since 2016 · 7 posts · 2 votes
    9y

    As a therapist I've seen this a lot, I'd say inspire the guy through your actions and happiness. Folks often fall into lifestyles and habits that bring them peace and comfort. They become content with their situation. You've been inspired yourself to pursue greatness by something or someone. I'd hesitate to tell anyone cut off friends, but there are cases where that would be very necessary.  To inspire him you'd need proximity. Unfortunately the likelihood he will latch on is not good, but you never know. As was hinted before (very good insight btw) you are in control of you. The only person stopping you from anything is you, and the only person making the choice to light up is him. Most folks I've worked with truly hate that they have such desires to use, even something like pot. That's where you can be an example of the alternative choice to be productive. If he doesn't follow...well, that's on him, not you. You'll do what's right I'm sure, just keep a safe distance...like two magnets, close enough to feel the connection, but not so close you get pulled back into that lifestyle.

    1Reply
  • J Frank Cole
    Virginia Beach, VA · Member since 2014 · 74 posts · 17 votes
    9y

    @Chris M. I wouldn't over think it.  I've been in that exact same situation myself.  All I did was focus on the things that I could produce and control and the funny thing, we just naturally grew apart.  We're still cool, still friends, but we have different goals in life now.  We never spoke one word about our feelings and what not, we just got on with our lives.  Good luck bro, fortune favors the bold!

    0Reply
  • Mark H.
    Investor · Grapevine, TX · Member since 2014 · 88 posts · 75 votes
    9y

    I've learned from experience that you cannot change others. You can show them different options but the choice is theirs to make. I also let them face the consequences of the choices they make, no bailouts thank you. Some former friends were financially decimated but refused to admit responsibility, lived in great denial and always blamed external factors for their own failure. I don't need friends who just want to cry on my shoulder but won't lift a finger or change their attitude to improve their situation. I've seen those ones go back to their parents for financial help or even move in with them in their late 30's!! Their parents enabled them, their parents can deal with their issues - I make sure to stay focused on my success.

    0Reply
  • WEN HAN
    Real Estate Investor · Alhambra, CA · Member since 2015 · 12 posts · 26 votes
    9y

    Love this thread. I totally feel you. As your " state" changes, everything around you will change. Especially you lifted yourself up and you have that sense of " I can do it" inside of you, it is amazing that you grew out of that life style and that little voice inside of you " I CAN DO IT!" will not stop, that voice also shows up when you see friends who are very similar to your "old self". Your frustration about your friend comes from the voice in your head that steers your boat:) Be happy that this voice is much louder and taking actions now!! DO REMEMBER: that voice is for yourself and your own good, when you see a mirrored image of your "old self", just KNOW that it is that voice talking to you, not to your friend or even about him, it is a judgement you gave to your "old self" not to your friend. So your "selflove" makes you recents your friend a bit, totally normal!

    If your heart wants him as a friend, you will find a way to regulate and control your own thoughts towards him, and if you two are not meant to be as close as before, you will adjust your distance towards that" old self" while you are moving on to bigger/brighter things in life.

    0Reply
  • Lucero Sanchez
    Contractor · Queen Creek, AZ · Member since 2014 · 155 posts · 37 votes
    9y

    @Chris M.

    It's this simple,

    If you want to fly with the eagles stop swimming with the ducks.

    0Reply
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