Ann Arbor, MI · Member since 2008 · 90 posts · 20 votes
Hi BP members,
I am in the process of selling my house. Just yesterday I had a sale guy come out to give me an estimate on some work. I found the gentleman quite offensive (racist, sexist, homophobic) and the product was far outside of my budget.
Even still, I had such a strong compulsion to pay more, to help this guy out. He drove out to my place, he's trying to make a sale, and maybe I should just sign the contract for the estimate he gave. Even for someone who I had a strong personal distaste for, I often find myself just trying to make everyone happy.
I am not afraid of conflict, I used to compete in martial arts, I debate, I say my piece, I stand up for myself at work -- however I just want people to be happy.
How do you get better at telling people no? Is it a learned skill like anything else, or is there a particular mindset you get yourself into when you need to disappoint someone?
Professional · Baltimore, MD · Member since 2010 · 79 posts · 47 votes
10y
To get better at saying No:
Be direct, give a short reason, but show kind appreciation, and lead to the next thought or dismissal. It helps to have a go to phrase.
Ex. "No thanks, but try me next time." OR "No thanks, I don't think we're a great fit, but I'll keep you in mind for the future." If they push with their own reasoning, "That may be true, but I'm nicely saying No. " If they ask for your reasoning, "I'd prefer to not get into it, I'm kindly saying No. Is there anything else you need from me?" --------------
My Speech About wanting to help people and make them happy:
Don't confuse wanting to make people happy with wanting to be helpful. It's good to want to help others and make them happy, It shows you have a heart, but recognize that those are completely different unlimited desires based on your limited resources of money, time, and energy. It's all about balance. Respect yourself and others will respect your help.
Personally, What helped me is establishing emotional boundaries, learning the difference between helping to carry a person's burden VS being forced into carrying their load.
A person's "Burden" is like a big rock of misfortune that life thrown at them and told them to carry that weight many times without choice. (Ex. Eviction due to being laid off from company downsizing.)
A person's "Load" is like a "School Backpack" that they themselves pack, sometimes too heavy but they carry that weight by choice. (Ex. Eviction due to being fired for lazy job performance.) What's in their backpack are textbooks for the class called "Life lessons" taught in the school of hardknocks.
In Business, most times you are dealing with people carrying a "Load".
Acknowledge that what that sales guy went through to make that sale with you was his "Load" in his job as a salesman. He knew the risks, the distance traveled, his pitch, and 9 times out of 10 you are not his first No. He'll only be happy with Yes, but! You can Be helpful and get him moving on to his next client by telling him No.
Everyone is responsible for carrying their own loads or decisions in life, but burdens or misfortunes are placed to teach character, compassion, and humility. Help those who are willing to help themselves the best they can, else you are outright weakening people and robbing them of their lessons and growth.
Rental Property Investor · Yukon, OK · Member since 2013 · 44 posts · 17 votes
10y
Think of this as a business. none of this is personal. If person is bad and racist and trying to rip you off. Then this is just bad business skills on his part. Giving him 5 dollars for droving there and hiring someone else can probably save you a lot more money on the future.
Palm Bay, FL · Member since 2016 · 76 posts · 23 votes
10y
If you ever are unsure try telling them you will get back to them later with a final answer. Then you can email or text them no. Doesn't work in all situations but that's how I used to give bad news at my 9-5. It could work in this situation
Investor · San Marcos, TX · Member since 2015 · 272 posts · 360 votes
10y
I honestly had the same issue and then I found my inner....bluntness. What has worked for me is I consider myself the manager, and not an owner, or anything else. Even with my personal finances I am the manager. My business cards say "Managing Partner" as my title and that is to remind myself that I have an obligation to manage. When you are a manager for someone else then it becomes easier to say "no", or to say "I will review it and other quotes and get back to you". In my case I am the manager of my assets for my spouse and daughters. If I can save them $250, $500, $1,000, or any amount then I am going to. Who do you manage for? Maybe it is for your future self, aging parents, or others. Once you start thinking that way you can say "no" without sweating it.
Investor · Katy, TX · Member since 2015 · 32 posts · 19 votes
10y
@ Nick Harvey, I disagree with you. Emailing and texting people in business I personally feel is weak and hinders relationships. If you need to tell me bad news, tell me to my face or talk with me. I can respect that.
@ alexander - I used to have the problem as well. I'd always say yes to projects etc.. I had to learn to say no and I learned through practice. Instead of immediately responding (as Nick stated above) step back, consider it (recognizing that you'd be paying more money to individual of poor character) and call him back and say NO - i've decided to move in a different direction but if anything changes I will give you a call.
Professional · Baltimore, MD · Member since 2010 · 79 posts · 47 votes
10y
To get better at saying No:
Be direct, give a short reason, but show kind appreciation, and lead to the next thought or dismissal. It helps to have a go to phrase.
Ex. "No thanks, but try me next time." OR "No thanks, I don't think we're a great fit, but I'll keep you in mind for the future." If they push with their own reasoning, "That may be true, but I'm nicely saying No. " If they ask for your reasoning, "I'd prefer to not get into it, I'm kindly saying No. Is there anything else you need from me?" --------------
My Speech About wanting to help people and make them happy:
Don't confuse wanting to make people happy with wanting to be helpful. It's good to want to help others and make them happy, It shows you have a heart, but recognize that those are completely different unlimited desires based on your limited resources of money, time, and energy. It's all about balance. Respect yourself and others will respect your help.
Personally, What helped me is establishing emotional boundaries, learning the difference between helping to carry a person's burden VS being forced into carrying their load.
A person's "Burden" is like a big rock of misfortune that life thrown at them and told them to carry that weight many times without choice. (Ex. Eviction due to being laid off from company downsizing.)
A person's "Load" is like a "School Backpack" that they themselves pack, sometimes too heavy but they carry that weight by choice. (Ex. Eviction due to being fired for lazy job performance.) What's in their backpack are textbooks for the class called "Life lessons" taught in the school of hardknocks.
In Business, most times you are dealing with people carrying a "Load".
Acknowledge that what that sales guy went through to make that sale with you was his "Load" in his job as a salesman. He knew the risks, the distance traveled, his pitch, and 9 times out of 10 you are not his first No. He'll only be happy with Yes, but! You can Be helpful and get him moving on to his next client by telling him No.
Everyone is responsible for carrying their own loads or decisions in life, but burdens or misfortunes are placed to teach character, compassion, and humility. Help those who are willing to help themselves the best they can, else you are outright weakening people and robbing them of their lessons and growth.
I am in the process of selling my house. Just yesterday I had a sale guy come out to give me an estimate on some work. I found the gentleman quite offensive (racist, sexist, homophobic) and the product was far outside of my budget.
How do you get better at telling people no? Is it a learned skill like anything else, or is there a particular mindset you get yourself into when you need to disappoint someone?
Hire enough losers, throw enough money away until the memory of the excruciating painfulness of the results of saying yes to someone you should have said no to is deep enough. Some of us learn the lesson quicker than others.
Real Estate Investor · Los Angeles, CA · Member since 2008 · 80 posts · 42 votes
10y
I agree with you @Leland Barrow, I find that it becomes less personal for me and the person I'm turning down if I take a step back to see the situation objectively and give them the bad news from there. As a property manager, I have little issue with rejecting vendors that aren't up to standards on behalf of owners, but it can be harder to turn them down on my behalf.
Nice reference to Galations 6 @Jerome Harrod II.....always found that to be practical advice for finding that balance!
I am in the process of selling my house. Just yesterday I had a sale guy come out to give me an estimate on some work. I found the gentleman quite offensive (racist, sexist, homophobic) and the product was far outside of my budget.
Even still, I had such a strong compulsion to pay more, to help this guy out. He drove out to my place, he's trying to make a sale, and maybe I should just sign the contract for the estimate he gave. Even for someone who I had a strong personal distaste for, I often find myself just trying to make everyone happy.
I am not afraid of conflict, I used to compete in martial arts, I debate, I say my piece, I stand up for myself at work -- however I just want people to be happy.
How do you get better at telling people no? Is it a learned skill like anything else, or is there a particular mindset you get yourself into when you need to disappoint someone?
Learning to say no is like strength training at the gym. At first your no muscle is week and only through training does it get stronger. The more you say not the better you get at it.
Ann Arbor, MI · Member since 2008 · 90 posts · 20 votes
10y
This thread has been incredible for me. It is exactly what I wanted to hear. I really appreciated all of the time and thought put into this from everyone who read and responded.
This makes me think about what is my "competitive advantage". I'm not rich, I can't swing a hammer, I don't have experience -- but I do believe I have a very strong sense of empathy. I hope that when I am a landlord I have a competitive advantage in the way I relate to people, tenants, vendors, or otherwise, that help them to feel appreciated and part of the success.
I will work out my no muscle. I will not shirk off other's burdens, but I will remind them their loads are their own.
Real Estate Investor · Montclair, NJ · Member since 2015 · 102 posts · 13 votes
10y
Alexander Ball , it's okay to say no and or to decline service. I've been on both sides of it and it's okay either way. If your retaining the services of a professional it has to be a good fit. It doesn't have to be a perfect fit, but just a good fit to obtain positive results in the best interest of both parties.
I'm a construction manager and I often tell contractors "no" they get out of hand at times. I'm also a GC for select clients and people tell us "no" at times. It's the nature of the industry you can't satisfy everybody
Ann Arbor, MI · Member since 2008 · 90 posts · 20 votes
10y
Benjamin Timmins
Hello Benjamin,
Are you referencing my original post and my distaste for the sales guy that came to my house -- so you wouldn't do business with me?
I'd be really interested to hearing more about what you have to say about that.
I honestly had the same issue and then I found my inner....bluntness. What has worked for me is I consider myself the manager, and not an owner, or anything else. Even with my personal finances I am the manager. My business cards say "Managing Partner" as my title and that is to remind myself that I have an obligation to manage. When you are a manager for someone else then it becomes easier to say "no", or to say "I will review it and other quotes and get back to you". In my case I am the manager of my assets for my spouse and daughters. If I can save them $250, $500, $1,000, or any amount then I am going to. Who do you manage for? Maybe it is for your future self, aging parents, or others. Once you start thinking that way you can say "no" without sweating it.
Investor · Orange County, CA · Member since 2015 · 2k+ posts · 3k+ votes
10y
After you get taken advantage of a few times by being too nice, you'll quickly get over that. Hopefully you'll be able to get over it before then, but if not then the school of hard knocks can provide excellent training and motivation to stop.
Investor · New York City, NY · Member since 2014 · 370 posts · 85 votes
10y
I am a nice guy too and hate confrontation. However, being landlord forced me to have difficult conversations. You can just say this doesn't really work for me or something. If you have to get blunt, get blunt. It gets easier each time. Just get to the point and go from there.
Software Developer · Vidor, TX · Member since 2015 · 922 posts · 639 votes
10y
Yeah you just have to be upfront with people in a non-combative way. This Kirby Vacuum guy came to my house once and asked to let his two workers demo the machine to me. I told him I have tile everywhere in my house with only a 8x10 rug in the living room and had no need for a 3000 dollar vacuum. He proceeded to tell me that these kids are in college and get paid per demo (not the sale), so I said fine, I'll let them clean my rug for free.
Well, when time to wrap up the demo they started asking about financing and ability to pay and were shocked to know that I had no intention to buy. I told them to have a chat with their boss man that said I could get my rug cleaned for free. They weren't happy, but I was!
Yeah you just have to be upfront with people in a non-combative way. This Kirby Vacuum guy came to my house once and asked to let his two workers demo the machine to me. I told him I have tile everywhere in my house with only a 8x10 rug in the living room and had no need for a 3000 dollar vacuum. He proceeded to tell me that these kids are in college and get paid per demo (not the sale), so I said fine, I'll let them clean my rug for free.
Well, when time to wrap up the demo they started asking about financing and ability to pay and were shocked to know that I had no intention to buy. I told them to have a chat with their boss man that said I could get my rug cleaned for free. They weren't happy, but I was!
This is a good example of when to say no. I tell sales guys, I am not interested. I tell them they are wasting their time. Still they don't listen. I don't have any sympathy for pushy sales people like this. Kirby is the worst and they prey on people who feel obligated after they spent their time cleaning your rug. That is how my mother in law got a vacuum that was too heavy for her to even use. Not to mention suckering old people is morally wrong. I hate those scum bags.
I see no direct relationship between being a nice guy, being compassionate etc. and making business decisions.
If your decisions are based on anything other than what is best for you personally or your business's best interest you have a problem. I guess that is the purpose of this thread to identify the fact that you have a problem.
The mind set you need to develop to say no and be successful in business is....me first.
If you can not put you and your business ahead of all others in making decisions, saying no, you will not survive in business. You do not "get better at telling people no" you just do it. Start today.
Sugar Grove, NC · Member since 2016 · 4 posts · 0 votes
10y
I'm new here & inexperienced with real estate, but I didn't realize estimates need to be responded to with a "yes" or a "no".
I recently got estimates for a roofing job. I let them all know that I was getting multiple estimates in the beginning. When I call them to schedule the job they'll know I want them to do the job. If they don't receive a call from me they know I hired somebody else, or changed my mind about the project.
An estimate is an opportunity from them to present themselves, their product or service and a price quote. I was polite, said "Thank you, I look forward to receiving your estimate. I will contact you if I have additional questions, or decide to schedule the job." That seemed like an appropriate response to each of them.
Why would they need or expect further communication from me? They are not friends, family, or children. This is business, right?
Thanks for the response. Of course, they are not friends, family, or children. I understand analytically that your approach is the right one, and fair as well. I just struggle with my sometimes compulsion to help everyone out as much as I can. There are worse things to be compulsive about, of course.
Thinking about Burdens vs Load has been helpful for me, in this realm as well as my personal life. I've found myself thinking of @Jerome Harrod II response a couple times a week for the last month. Thanks again, Jerome.