The Joke Thread

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The Joke Thread

Timothy W.
Attorney · Raleigh, NC · Member since 2008 · 4k+ posts · 1k+ votes

There needs to be a lightening up here...so I'll start it. Any political jokes will result in a beerboarding - and not with good beer, we're talking Pabst Blue Ribbon.

Got this one today from a realtor:

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of the Granville Presbyterian church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."
The pastor asked, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"
The old lady replied, "$10,000 a week."
The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful! What does he do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"
The little old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno ."

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Jim Wineinger
Real Estate Investor · ten mile, TN · Member since 2009 · 1k+ posts · 374 votes
16y

The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table yesterday morning.

I said to her, "If I were to die suddenly, I want you to sell all my stuff immediately."

"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked.

"I figure that you would eventually remarry, and I don't want some jerk using my stuff."

She looked at me and said, "What makes you think I'd marry another jerk?"

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  • Account Closed
    Los Angeles, CA · Member since 2008 · 557 posts · 70 votes
    16y
    Originally posted by Christopher Davis:
    so Matty get many third dates? LOL


    I do. After I tell that joke I purposely spill water on her leg, then go in for a kiss.

    0Reply
  • Account Closed
    Los Angeles, CA · Member since 2008 · 557 posts · 70 votes
    16y
    Originally posted by wheelhouse:
    This one is good when you've had a few drinks and you have a thick pirate accent.




    A pirate walks in a bar with a steering wheel hanging out of his pants.

    The bartender says "HEY PIRATE!, you got a steering wheel hanging out of your pants!"

    The pirates says "Arrgh, its driving me nuts!"


    Love it. I laughed out loud
    0Reply
  • Jim Wineinger
    Real Estate Investor · ten mile, TN · Member since 2009 · 1k+ posts · 374 votes
    16y

    On his 74th birthday, a man received a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man.
    The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3’. When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."
    The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
    "Your partner must say'1-2-3-4,' he responded, "But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
    He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, He took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"
    Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
    And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition because we could end up with a dangling participle.

    0Reply
  • Larry Moore
    Real Estate Investor · Belvidere, IL · Member since 2009 · 169 posts · 65 votes
    16y

    Two old guys are sitting in a bar when the first one says,
    "Ya know, when I was twenty and got an erection, I couldn't bend it, even using both hands

    By the time I was forty, I could bend it about ten degrees if I tried really hard

    By the time I was fifty, I could bend it about twenty degrees, no problem

    I'm gonna be sixty next week, and now I can bend it in half with just one hand

    "So," says his buddy, "what's your point

    "Well, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get?"

    1Reply
  • Ali Samana
    Real Estate Investor · Frisco, TX, TX · Member since 2010 · 388 posts · 138 votes
    16y

    A couple gets married and goes on their dream honeymoon. They decide to start their day off playing 18 holes on the beautiful golf course. The wife gets up on the tee and slices, breaking a window of one of the mansions on the course. The couple felt bad, so they went in to apologize. When the husband walked in they were surprised to find a broken bottle by an end table, and an older bearded man laying naked on the couch. The husband apologizes to the man who in turn thanks him and says "I was a genie trapped in that bottle, thank you for freeing me. I have been trapped for over a hundered years. As a thank you, I would like to grant both of you one wish, as long as you in exchange you also grant a wish for me". The husband and the wife agree. The hsuband asks for 150 million dollars, the genie blinks and says done. You will have 150 million dollars within minutes. The wife asks to have a house in every city in the world, the genie blinks and says done.

    Now, the genies in return asks "it has been over 100 years since I have been with a woman, in exchange for your lavish gifts would you let me be with your wife?" The husband looks at the wife and says well we did get all the houses and the wife thinks we do have all the money...so they agree.

    4 hours later, the genie rolls over and asks the young lady, how old is your husband? the wife responds 26...he chuckles, and says "wow...he's 26...and HE STILL BELIEVES IN GENIES!"

    1Reply
  • Ali Samana
    Real Estate Investor · Frisco, TX, TX · Member since 2010 · 388 posts · 138 votes
    16y

    A broker was dismayed when a brand new real estate office much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read 'BEST AGENTS.'

    He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading 'LOWEST COMMISSIONS.'

    The broker panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own real estate office. It read: 'MAIN ENTRANCE'

    0Reply
  • Jim Wineinger
    Real Estate Investor · ten mile, TN · Member since 2009 · 1k+ posts · 374 votes
    16y

    In honor of the 44th President of the United States, Baskin-Robbins Ice Cream has introduced a new flavor: †Barocky Road .â€
    Barocky Road is a blend of half vanilla, half chocolate, and surrounded by nuts and flakes.
    The vanilla portion of the mix is not openly advertised and usually denied as an ingredient.
    The nuts and flakes are all very bitter and hard to swallow.
    The cost is $100 per scoop.
    When purchased it will be presented to you in a large beautiful cone, but after you pay for it, the ice cream is taken away and then given to the person in line behind you at no charge.
    You are left with an empty wallet and no change, holding an empty cone with no hope of getting any ice cream.

    0Reply
  • Jim Wineinger
    Real Estate Investor · ten mile, TN · Member since 2009 · 1k+ posts · 374 votes
    16y

    On his 74th birthday, a man received a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man.
    The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3’. When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."
    The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
    "Your partner must say'1-2-3-4,' he responded, "But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
    He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, He took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"
    Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
    And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition because we could end up with a dangling participle.

    0Reply
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