There needs to be a lightening up here...so I'll start it. Any political jokes will result in a beerboarding - and not with good beer, we're talking Pabst Blue Ribbon.
Got this one today from a realtor:
One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of the Granville Presbyterian church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."
The pastor asked, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"
The old lady replied, "$10,000 a week."
The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful! What does he do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"
The little old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno ."
where do they send worn out prostitutes??
back to the Virgin Islands for recycling.
what did the leper say to the prostitute?
...keep the tip
3 old ladies were smoking cigarettes one afternoon.
Suddenly it started pouring, and two of the ladies started cursing, but the third pulled out a condom, poked a hole in the tip, and slipped it over her cigarette. "What are you doing?" one of the other ladies asked. "Now I can keep smoking in the rain" she replied.
So one of the other ladies ran down to the local drugstore and told the clerk "I want a pack of condoms please." Looking somewhat bewildered, the clerk asked "Um okay well what kind would you like?
So the old lady replied: â€œOh I don't think it really matters, it's just for a camel..."
A priest gets a flat tire. No sooner does he pull over than a huge bodybuilder pulls in behind him and offers to help. The beast lifts the corner with the flat with one hand and undoes the lugnuts barehanded with the other. He puts on the spare and tells the priest "All set, tighter than a nun's ----". The priest hesitates a moment, then says "The tire iron's in back, one sec while I pop the trunk..."
Okay, hope I didn't push the envelope too much!
This little guy is sitting in a biker bar staring at his drink. Suddenly a huge biker saunters over and chugs the guy's drink. The little guy starts weeping and says, "This has been the worst day of my life. My car wouldn't start so I got to work late and they fired me. Then I leave my wallet in the cab on the way home. Then I get home and find my wife in bed with the gardener."
"Jeez, that's terrible," says the biker. "I'll buy you another drink."
"You don't understand," the guy says. "Then I come here to end it all and you drink my poison."
Three men died on the same day. Heaven was getting pretty full, so God decided to hear their stories and let whoever had died most tragically into the pearly gates.
The first guy said: I came home early and heard my wife moaning so I knew she was cheating on me. I looked all around to find the guy, and he was out hanging off the edge of my terrace, [email protected]$$ naked. I stepped on his fingers and he fell several stories, but the bast--- was still moving around on the pavement so I dragged my fridge out and pushed it off the terrace onto him. Then I went inside and shot myself. God did not think this was overly moving.
The second guy said, I was out gardening in the nude on my terrace, and I slipped and fell off the ledge. But, I managed to grab onto the edge of the ledge beneath me. I thought the guy that lived there heard and was coming out to help me, but then he stomped on my fingers and made me fall several stories to the ground below! Somehow I survived, and was trying to crawl away, but he pushed his refridgerator out and off the ledge of the terrace, and it crushed me so I died. God thought this was horribly sad, but decided to hear the third man's story.
The third man said: I was screwing around with some guy's wife and he came home early so I hid in his fridge...
Well, I am not good at jokes over the net but ths Emoticon always makes me laugh.
One winter morning a husband and wife in northern Michigan were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through."
So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through."
The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went out.
The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow plows can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night when you pass by a bus stop there are three people waiting for the bus: An old lady who looks as if she is about to die, an old friend who once saved your life, and the perfect partner you have been dreaming about. Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car? Think before you continue reading.
This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old friend because they once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay them back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.
The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: â€œI would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.â€ Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box.'
A modern cynic would say the correct answer is to, â€œrun the old lady over and put her out of her misery because the health care plan in this nation won't pay for her, make love with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.
The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table yesterday morning.
I said to her, "If I were to die suddenly, I want you to sell all my stuff immediately."
"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked.
"I figure that you would eventually remarry, and I don't want some jerk using my stuff."
She looked at me and said, "What makes you think I'd marry another jerk?"
A man walks into a bar has a few drinks and asks what his tab was. The bartender replies that it is twenty dollars plus tip. The guy says to the barternder, "I'll bet you my tab double or nothing that I can bite my eye." The bartender accepts the bet, and the guy pulls out his glass eye and bites it.
He has a few more drinks and asks for his bill again. The bartender reports that his bill now is thirty dollars plus tip. He bets the bartender he can bite his other eye. The bartender accepts knowing the man can't possibly have two glass eyes. The guy then proceeds by taking out his false teeth and biting his other eye.
An hour later, the same guy walks up to the bar and says "I bet you $50 I can [takes his shot glass and places it on the other end of the bar] stand on this end of the bar and piss into that shotglass. The bartender says, "Well, you can't get around this one with your ****ing eyes, I'm in." The man gets up on the bar, whips out his wang and proceeds to piss all over the bar. The bartender laughs, wipes up the mess, takes his money and says "What the hell, you just lost the money you bet me - and you knew that you wouldn't piss in that glass."
The man says, "Yeah, I know. I bet that table over there a hundred bucks that if I got up and pissed all over the bar, you'd just laugh and wipe it up."
[This one is a bit sexist, so if you're easily offended by this kind of thing, stop reading now...you've been warned!]
An airplane is flying at 35,000 feet when all of a sudden the captain comes on the loudspeaker and tells the passengers that the plane is about to crash land into the mountains.
A woman from the front of the plane jumps up from her seat and starts screaming like a lunatic. "I can't die today! I WON'T die today! I am twenty-seven years old! I have been on countless dates and no one has ever made me feel like a woman! Please, I don't want to die like this! Is there anyone on this airplane that can make me feel like a woman?"
The entire plane went from hysteria to complete silence. Then, from the back of the plane, someone stood up. He was a dark, tall, well-built, handsome man.
"I can make you feel like a woman," he said.
He started walking slowly down the isle to the woman, who was now shaking with anticipation. One by one he started unbuttoning his shirt buttons, revealing his rippling stomach muscles. He quickly took his shirt off, slowly reached for her trembling hand, looked in her eyes and said...
A blind guy walks into a bar sits down and orders a beer. He then says to the bartender "do you want to hear a blonde joke?" The bartender replies "mister I can see that your blind so I'm gone give you a little help her. First off your in a lesbian bar. Secondly sitting to your right is beautiful blonde that weighs 230 and wrestles in the WWF. On your left is our blonde bouncer and she can bench press over 300 lbs. And I myself am blonde and kick both of there asses. Now do you still want to tell your joke?" The blind man replies "hell no, not if I'm going to have to explain it three times."
"Wells Fargo and BofA getting appraisals done by appraisal companies they own - It's like Michael Jackson running a freaking boys camp!
Why don't chicken wear underwear?
Cuz their pecker is on their head!
JUDGE: "Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?
WITNESS: "I do. YOU ARE UGLY!
So two Irish guys walk out of a bar......
....what? it could happen.
What's one mile long, green, and has an IQ of 20?
ST. Paddy's Day parade!
I can tell that I am half mic.
A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.
After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"
The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws."
The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"
To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."
The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"
The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith."
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.
Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats the heck out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Wednesday night: itâ€™s a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers.
The woman says, â€œSo, youâ€™re a man. Thatâ€™s interesting. Iâ€™m a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! Thereâ€™s nothing left, but weâ€™re unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.â€
Flattered, the man replies, â€œOh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But youâ€™re still at faultâ€¦ women shouldnâ€™t be allowed to drive.â€
The woman continues, â€œAnd look at this, hereâ€™s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didnâ€™t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.â€
She hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, â€œArenâ€™t you having any?â€
The woman replies, â€œNo. I think Iâ€™ll just wait for the policeâ€¦â€
We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.
As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.
My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.
Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, â€œHe's just going upstairs to, uh, say goodbye to my mother.â€
A few minutes later, I get into the cab.
â€œSorry I took so long,â€ I said, as we drove away. â€œThat stupid thing was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her rump with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat rump downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!â€
The cab driver hit a parked car.
Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"
The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth."
So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds, "Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"
The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"
The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"
The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"
"Yes! He only has one ear!"
The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear! You're excused too!"
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but..." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"
The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Hellooooooooooooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."
A widow from New York wanted to get out of the big city. She decided to go visit a Dude Ranch in Texas. She spent a week there and had a fantastic time.
When she returned to New York she was at lunch with her friends showing them the pictures of all the good lookinâ€™ cowboys.
As the girls were all discussing all of the cowboys one of her friends asked if she â€œhad any â€˜specialâ€™ funâ€ on her trip.
She answered, â€œNo.â€
Another friend chimes in asking, â€œWhy not, since they are so good looking and there are so many of them?â€
She replied, â€œAre you kidding? You canâ€™t see them in the pictures but you should have seen the size of the condoms in their back pockets!â€
I tell this one on dates, first or second date's. It's from my friend's seven year old niece, so if they don't like it they can take it up with her.
Why did the little girl cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
so Matty get many third dates? LOL
This one is good when you've had a few drinks and you have a thick pirate accent.
A pirate walks in a bar with a steering wheel hanging out of his pants.
The bartender says "HEY PIRATE!, you got a steering wheel hanging out of your pants!"
The pirates says "Arrgh, its driving me nuts!"