Spouse support for investing

Bill Horton · 2013-06-16T23:13:59-07:00

Have any of you had to deal with your spouse not being fully supportive of your real estate investing? This is a big hurdle for me to get started with investing in real estate. My family has been investing in real estate and construction business for generations. Business and investing is what I was raised around and I am very aware of the benefits. My wife has been raised believing that a corporate pension or 401k will be just fine for retirement. We have both read the Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey and loved it. We paid off all of our debt besides our house. It's all great except for the fact that she agrees with Dave that mutual funds will be a great investment as "Risk" in investing terrifies her. I don't know if I'm really getting to the point here... Basically, she likes the idea of buy and hold real estate investing when I talk about it, but she will always find a reason why it is too risky, "not the right time for us" or not possible for us because of funding... No matter what options I explain. I love her very much and would love to get her on board with my plan. She even has a ton of experience and knowledge with property management, but unfortunately hated it. Have any of you had to deal with this before? How did you handle it and how can you change someone mentality when they are stubborn about it? Books about investing probably won't interest her,, so not really an option. Sorry for the long post... Any advice is appreciated.

Kyle Rice

Investor · Wasilla, AK · Member since 2012 · 35 posts · 3 votes

13y

Hi Bill. I can definitely understand your situation. We also used Dave Ramsey's program. I'm no REI guru but I've been married for 8 years. This is a sensitive subject. For me I think approaching my wife cautiously and with an open mind worked. It's important to have your spouse on board and I told my wife when we started that if I don't have her whole support then I won't do it. Timing and sensitivity to your spouse is everything. I would continue to encourage the idea of REI to her but without being pushy about it. Bottom line though I wouldn't proceed until I had my wife's full support. To me a healthy marriage comes first. Ease in with your ideas and come to her with a solid plan so she can see the whole picture. I know my wife likes me to have a plan A and B when it comes to our family's finances. Talk with her try to see her side of things and be patient. Maybe you can compromise and invest in both mutual funds and RE.

1 Reply

Bill Horton

OP

Real Estate Broker · Canby, OR · Member since 2012 · 127 posts · 37 votes

13y

Thank you, Kyle. It's nice to know I'm not the only one. I want to get started as young as possible but I agree a healthy marriage is much more important. I will continue to develop my plan and try to sell her on the idea of real estate investing. I just wish it was easier to get her to see my side! I guess it's a good chance to work on my presentation, negotiating and communication.

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Elizabeth S.

Real Estate Investor · Fort Wayne, IN · Member since 2013 · 168 posts · 78 votes

13y

Your marriage is #1, so move slowly and give her time to get comfortable with it. Maybe seek a local mentor out and work for them for awhile even.

Make sure to talk and plan everything out though. If you're ready financially to jump in then make sure she knows she has a voice in this and convey how you are going to keep from sinking the whole family into despair.

As women we typically just need:
1. To feel involved or as though we have s say
2. Like our relationship is most important
3. Confident we aren't going to the poor house

Extra cash will speak volumes but it may not come quickly or even on the first deal.

2 Reply

Kenneth LaVoie

Rental Property Investor · Winslow, ME · Member since 2008 · 826 posts · 281 votes

13y

What I've learned:

1. #1 desire of many women: security.

What can you do to help her (in truth) feel more secure? for my wife, it was helping out and getting involved. Before that, she had no idea what was going on other than I'd suddenly moved half our net worth into run down buildings and I was pissed off more often than I used to be!! (translation: 'My security is at risk...my husband could die of a heart attack any minute and half our money is in buildings I have no idea how to manage instead of a nice ever increasing bank or brokerage statement each month.)

Knowledge is power. Since my wife started being 100% responsible for showings (phew! 90% of my time before!!) She's been much more on board. Downside is she's MUCH stronger and opinionated than me so my stress level is higher sometimes because she is forever wanting me to change this, yell at this tenant, evict that one, etc. But that's ok ... I'd rather deal with that than have my beloved wife tossing and turning.

1 Reply

Rob K.

Investor · Southeast, MI · Member since 2012 · 2k+ posts · 1k+ votes

13y

Dave Ramsey is a huge fan of real estate and owns many houses. He has said on his show that he has bought and sold over 1,000. He is just anti-debt.

Mutual funds can be just as risky. Most 401K's took huge hits in 2008 and are finally now recovering.

Maybe tell your wife to spend more time in the kitchen and leave the investing up to you. (just kidding)

3 Reply

Mark Gilbo

Syracuse, NY · Member since 2013 · 34 posts · 15 votes

13y

its hard to change a CORE belief system in someone. They have to be handheld and babied in order to usually see the light at the end of the tunnel. I don't see the issue unless you are going to quit your job, end all income and leave the bill paying solely to her. If thats the case, even a man could have a problem with that.

Im sorry to say that only action and results will curb her fear. She may vocally agree and give you a chance but inside she's killing herself and swearing at you. Its how starting a business with an employee works because as Ken said above, security is #1 and that gets worse with age.

Take it slow, but you're gonna have a rough road ahead. If you still help pay the bills, give attention to her and your kids (if any), then there is no reason why she disagrees. I used to play mine off as a stupid hobby and I told my girlfriend it was either this or i'm going out with the boys.

P.S. Go buy her Rich Dad Poor Dad at the book store. That might wake her up.

0 Reply

Josh Farrer

Midvale, UT · Member since 2013 · 60 posts · 10 votes

13y

Bill,

This is a tough subject because every situation here is sooo different.

I believe first and for most if you are truly passionate about anything your wife won't be able to prevent you. If its something you are excited about and enjoy she will like what she sees in you.

You didn't mention if you had kids or not. I do, and that has made it hard for me to convince the wife. In real estate, it costs something. Time or money. For a lot of the reasons you mentioned I have began with time. I started in January, and last week was the first REIA meeting I went to with out any guilt or negativity. My wife sees how excited I still am to be involved. She is catching the vision, so to speak.

But here is what I have done. No tv shows. No face book, no Instagram, no YouTube, etc. my time falls into one of three categories.

Day job. I have mentioned in other posts I am a restaurant manager and work a minimum of 50 hours a week.

Family time. I am present at dinner. I tuck my kids in most nights. We play together. Now that the weather is warming up we go to parks and take walks etc. and once a month the wife and I have a date night.

The last category is real estate. So all the time wasters now do into hanging out here on bigger pockets. Mostly reading the blogs, but posting occasionally. Podcasts, audio books, and very rarely I will jump on and watch you tube stuff on real estate.

I take one day off and do lunches and networking for REI and the other is honey do list stuff.

The more my wife sees my consistency and drive the more she understands. Also I've spent about 600$ most in the last two weeks on mailers. And most of this money came from me selling personal stuff. (Another sacrifice, the wife sees I mean business)

Finally I have started inviting REI over for dinner about every other week. This way my family gets to see who I'm spending time with. And one lady and my wife hit it off very well. They share hobbies. So this may be the best move yet to get her involved.

This was a much longer post than I planned. But I am very passionate about this subject. It's easy to say "my spouse doesn't support me" give them a reason to and don't make it an excuse.

This could be a blog topic I think :)

1 Reply

Seth WilliamsPro Member

Specialist · Grand Rapids, MI · Member since 2012 · 582 posts · 353 votes

13y

Dude, Bill Horton - I understand what you're going through. I dealt with the same thing when I was getting started.

When I wanted to jump into this business, my wife wasn't a huge fan of the perceived "risks" associated with real estate. She didn't want to live in a duplex with me, she didn't want us to take out mortgages for rental properties, house flipping was out-of-the-question, the whole thing really scared her... that is, until some of the bigger checks started coming in.

The best way to get your wife comfortable with the risks inherent in this business is to do everything in your power to eliminate the risks altogether. I learned to do this by purchasing vacant land properties (from extremely motivated, tax delinquent property owners) for 10% - 30% of market value. With this strategy, I was able to pursue some pretty small deals (without a huge investment) and double my money in a matter of weeks. My first dozen deals or so were purchased anywhere from $100 - $2,000 (just using the cash in my savings account) and sold for $1,500 - 5,000.

It wasn't huge money to start out with, but there were also no loans involved. No monthly payments, no ugly tenant situations, nothing that could turn into a financial fiasco. It was about as low risk as you could get (and it still is, btw). Before I knew it, I had a nice slush fund of cash available to throw at some larger properties.

The fear associated with real estate actually has some merit to it. Our wives have our best interests at heart, and they don't was us (or themselves) to get hurt. Real estate can absolutely be risky - especially for those who don't understand how to identify a solid deal, but when you DO buy the right property for the right price, you're not rolling the dice - you're investing in a sure thing. That is how you can get your wife comfortable with this (that's how I did it, anyway). Understand what is really causing the hesitancy and address it.

To this day, my wife still doesn't like deals that involve a lot of risk and in a way, it's actually good for me. She is like my risk barometer and she keeps me from doing anything that falls in the realm of "foolish". Now days, I look at her risk-aversion as more of an asset than a liability. It may annoy me at times but I have to be honest, when a deal looks good to her - I know I've got a grand slam investment on my hands.

Podcast Guest on Show #39

1 Reply

Lynn McGeein

Real Estate Agent · Virginia Beach, VA · Member since 2012 · 2k+ posts · 1k+ votes

13y

We've had a bit of history with this situation, so hoping this could help you. Years ago, my husband was not all in with the idea of investment property, either, but agreed to it anyway as I really wanted it. About 5 years, much stress and arguing later, we sold all but one of our rentals as they were causing too many problems with our marriage. He was upset when I hired repairmen, said he could do it cheaper himself, but then complained about having to waste time off from work repairing rentals. He worried about tenants suing us for crazy reasons, said it wasn't worth the risk when the stock market is such a solid investment, greater returns with no hassles. These were all valid points from his perspective, so we agreed to sell all but one that I didn't want to part with.

Then the market tanked, 401(K) & other stocks cut in half, forced to retire or lose a great deal of his pension, yet my one little rental still kept paying (along with more than doubling its value by that time, so even when prices dropped, we still were way ahead). It was a good lesson in having this type of investment, and he saw how much better we could have been had we just kept them. Now that we were both on board this time, we made a business plan together, worked out our priorities (like he wants the 401(K) max in his new job, then extra savings can go toward future properties), committed to only moving forward in any deal if we both agreed it was right for us. He agreed to stop complaining about paying more for repairmen and appreciate the fact that it saves his time. While I usually do all the research and narrow down options (whether buying houses or just new flooring in one), I let him choose which one out of my top picks (mostly), so he doesn't have the time commitment but still has a major say in the process. While we still don't have as many investment properties as I would like, the ones we do have, we are both happy with. This way works so much better than last time, but it really took him perceiving the value of it before it could happen. Just too stressful the other way.

2 Reply

Suzie B.

Greentown, IN · Member since 2012 · 140 posts · 18 votes

13y

You might make the effort to do some research into the kinds of properties you are wanting to look at and take a day to go and look at them together.

If she has a better idea of what you are considering investing in, and you have a game plan of how it will be managed you will have a better time selling her on it. Sometimes it helps to actually see what is being talked about. Walking properties and making her feel a part of it might make her a little more comfortable.

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James Vermillion

Lexington, KY · Member since 2009 · 2k+ posts · 1k+ votes

13y

Originally posted by Rob K:

Maybe tell your wife to spend more time in the kitchen and leave the investing up to you. (just kidding)

What Rob K said. This is what I did and it worked to perfection...I have been investing in real estate ever since!

It comes down to comfort level. If your wife was raised in an environment where 401ks and pensions were the norm, that is what she is comfortable with, regardless of the actual risk level in relation to other investment tools (like real estate). You need to figure out how you can sit down and have a discussion about the future, what your family goals are and how you plan on reaching those goals. Show her how real estate can play a major role in reaching those goals and how you will mitigate the inherent risks.

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Dawn AnastasiPro Member

Rental Property Investor · Milwaukee, WI · Member since 2013 · 6k+ posts · 4k+ votes

13y

There are many ways to invest in real estate. Is she opposed to all of them, or just some aspects?

Podcast Guest on Show #29

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James H.

Investor · Fort Worth, TX · Member since 2011 · 1k+ posts · 450 votes

13y

Save up this much money:

Closing costs and make ready for the investment property

6 months mortgage payments for the new investment propert (banks will require this anyways)

6 months living expenses even if the top bread winner looses their job.

If she is still not willing to invest in RE, then forget about it or get a divorce.

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Brandon Krieg

Specialist · Grand Rapids and Kalamazoo, MI · Member since 2013 · 391 posts · 116 votes

13y

Bill Horton This is a great topic, and a very important one!

This has been a long process with my wife and I. I would rather her be happy than me be rich, so it has taken some time. She also comes from a family which values job security and pensions over the possibility of financial freedom, and has told me multiple times that before she met me, she never seriously thought of another way to live.

Because of this, and because I started when I had very little cash and a limited credit history (not bad, just not much there), I began by researching methods that didn't require a large cash outlay. Things like lease options, subject-to, equity partnerships, wholesaling, etcetera. Over a long period of time (months and years), I would explain little bits of it here and there. I think by taking it slowly, it helped the ideas to sink in more.

When I started becoming more active, I would tell her about what I was doing. Making calls, what kind of places I was looking for, etcetera. I believe that also helped.

But I think the real kicker is when I had a change within myself. I really pushed ALL the way in, and worked on things every day (almost). I was constantly making calls, visiting houses, making offers, and telling her about this the whole time. She told me that seeing that change made a huge difference for her, and that it helped her be more confident in these efforts.

Finally, once we pulled the first deal together (with no money out of pocket and a good return), she was largely on board. This is an ongoing process that needs a lot of communication, but if you show dedication, and don't risk more than she's comfortable with, I believe you will get there eventually. Perhaps start with no or very little money down strategies, and build from there - it worked for me.

I hope that helps, and I wish you a lot of luck... this is an important one!

1 Reply

Rodney Robinson

Antelope Valley, CA · Member since 2013 · 27 posts · 4 votes

13y

I agree with a lot of things said here. I am in beginning stages of real estate investing and my wife has been very supportive because she has seen my dedication to learning and hearing her concerns. I believe, as was said earlier, that minimization of risk and security are our wives' major concerns. I would never make a choice without her. I also teach her what I am learning, but not in a "business" way that makes me look like a genius. This is just a casual conversation. She's your wife not an investor that you have to sell some highly energetic and complicated pitch to. As I realized this it humbled me, and I appreciate her "half-full" perspective on things. We as men accept more risk and are likely to fail because of that. Our wives are assets because they show us balance and force us to minimize our downside. I believe if the original poster is patient and humble, the root cause of his wife's concerns will be brought to light and he can address them. It won't happen overnight, but it's great because as we are patient we are also learning and developing our business plan better in the process.

1 Reply

Anson YoungBusiness Member

Flipper/Rehabber · Denver, CO · Member since 2009 · 1k+ posts · 726 votes

13y

Man, I think its a 100% must. Now, some spouses are hesitant, and some are vehemently opposed. The hesitant can be won over, the opposed will cause an extreme amount of stress and strife.

My wife falls into the hesitant category when I started out, and through some early frustration almost went into the opposed category. Then I saw some great success and she was on board. But we had some pretty crazy fights in the beginning.

Podcast Guest on Show #235

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Kyle Hipp

Investor · Appleton, WI · Member since 2012 · 1k+ posts · 464 votes

13y

I already had the duplex I lived in and another pure investment when I met my wife so she knew to some degree what she was getting into. She is still hesitant on some aspects of of are investing. Mainly because of the time requirements. I have grown a lot of this business since we got together. This was because of a career change at work that led me to day shift and with more of a family life when meeting her I focused on investing a lot more instead of going out. She has now seen the benefits of our investing and sees that I am good at it and what it means for out future. She still has concerns that it takes up too much time and at times financial resources. It is something that we talk about often in order to remain on the same page.

For you I would recommend that yiu look into an investment that is available and do all yiur due diligence on it. Then show her your findings. Once you have a real life example then she will see it more clearly. Ask her about her concerns and then address them. Look into the possibility of hiring a management company if time or inconvenience is an issue. Look into repair costs and all the downsides. If you both have a dave ramsey perspective it gives you a platform on which you can discuss certain issues and plans. The biggest thing that helps me is showing years down the road. I am 27 and plan to be comfortably a full time real estate investor by 40. My yearly benchmarks and targets are defined so she can see how each year we are further ahead than we need to be to reach that goal. Be flexible and willing to change course or slow down. Real estate investing is difficult enough so there is no reason to make it harder by having to fight about it or have extra tension because ofit at home. Then also regularly reassess your goals.

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Rob K.

Investor · Southeast, MI · Member since 2012 · 2k+ posts · 1k+ votes

13y

I would suggest taking your wife to a local REIA meeting when there is an interesting speaker lined up. She will see all of the other investors and if you talk to some, she might get more of a sense of ease.

I can see how this could be a big problem not having the wife on board. I was buying houses before I got married and don't even talk to my wife about a house before buying it. I just let her know that I bought one. One of my friends would love to buy houses, but his wife is all against it. He refers to her as the "Dream Killer" or "DK" for short when we text each other and he needs to mention his wife for some reason.

1 Reply

Kyle J.

Rental Property Investor · Northern, CA · Member since 2012 · 5k+ posts · 5k+ votes

13y

I was going to make the same suggestion that Rob did...take her to a local REIA meeting. At some of the ones I've been to, they've actually had people tell some of their success stories in front of the group. Maybe hearing that and seeing/meeting all the like-minded people there who are doing the same thing will make her feel better about it and help her not worry so much.

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Mike Webb

Real Estate Investor · Hagerstown, MD · Member since 2013 · 276 posts · 107 votes

13y

I am pretty much in the same boat (even doing the Dave Ramsey course right now). I have just tried to educate my wife and help understand (I think that is where most of the fear comes from). I actually just sent her Brandon's latest blog post about multi-family properties. Good luck and your not the only one!

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Bill Horton

OP

Real Estate Broker · Canby, OR · Member since 2012 · 127 posts · 37 votes

13y

Wow, thank you all so much for the responses full of awesome advice and stories. Its nice to know that I'm not the only one with this hurdle. I definitely see it as a hurdle rather than a road block. She definitely likes the idea of financial security and would rather have me around more and not working nights and long hours. Its just the road to the financial security that she is very timid about and had never given a thought to before she met me.

There was a ton of great replies in this post and I think I will be best off to formulate a plan, find a deal, show her the details and show her how we will minimize risk. I want to try to get her to read Rich Dad Poor Dad and go to some REIA meetings with me, but I know she isn't too interested in that. I think she will eventually be okay with it if I follow all of that advice you all gave. One hard part is that we want to build a house and I have to try to convince her to let me invest some of our money now, so we can have more to build a house later.

Sorry for not giving background.. We have been married for about four years. We have a two year old daughter and she is due to have our second daughter any day now! A lot changing at once for us so I think taking it slowly is the key..

Again, thank you all for the advice and for sharing your experiences. This is a very important topic to me as my family is the most important thing in my world. I also have very big dreams for being a successful real estate investor with way more time to be with my family.

1 Reply

Rob K.

Investor · Southeast, MI · Member since 2012 · 2k+ posts · 1k+ votes

13y

Originally posted by Bill Horton:

We have a two year old daughter and she is due to have our second daughter any day now!

Maybe after the baby is born, things will calm down. Women are already very emotional when they're not pregnant. Being nine months pregnant makes them basket cases. I would wait a little while until after the baby is born and things settle down and then have a talk with her. Emphasize that you want to invest for the children's future. Make it about them instead of you.

You might want to wait six weeks. They say that's how long it takes for your house to settle down and things to get better. (I think it's more like four months).

Hope all goes well!

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Priscilla Z.

Rental Property Investor · Palm Bay, FL · Member since 2009 · 511 posts · 290 votes

13y

Wow this is a hot topic isn't it? Interestingly enough this has been the topic of conversation with other investors that I work with these last few weeks as well, them complaining that their wives do not support them.

Bill Horton - Give her time. Seems like she understands and you two aren't completely on opposite ends. As a woman (I will only speak for myself) security is very important to me, and I imagine even more so when there are children involved. Having a young child and another on the way I understand why she is being extra cautious.

I also understand the "corporate world, 9-5, 401K mentality". That's what I saw growing up and that's what I was in until about six months ago. I needed that steady paycheck every two weeks, while I worked real estate part time on the side (my husband working real estate full time).

Until the day came when we closed a deal that equalled the amount of money I made in ONE YEAR. That is, one year of working 40 hours per week behind desk at a job that I had no chance of progressing, all for what? The little bit of retirement money I had put away, health benefits and a steady paycheck? I finally realized it wasn't worth it and I quit to work on real estate full time. Career wise it is the best decision I have made to this day....but it took me four years.

I have talked to wives of other investors and they sincerely have no interest in helping them whatsoever. They blatantly say it is not for them. That's another thing, this is not for everyone. You have to have thick skin, or develop it, to be able to be a good player in this game. And you also have to have a passion for it....

Rob K - Hope you didn't think I was going to let you get away with saying us women are very emotional when we are not pregnant. We as humans are ALL emotional, us women just aren't afraid to show it! Pregnant or not! LOL ;) I agree though, give her time to settle down after the baby and then re-visit the conversation. Maybe close a few deals from now until then and the conversation will be much easier to have!

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Mike HurneyPro Member

Real Estate Investor · Boston, MA · Member since 2009 · 2k+ posts · 542 votes

13y

Bill Horton There are at least a dozen different tasks in Buy, Fix-up & Sell or Rent. If you start to let your spouse "help" with one she's interested in, she may work it with you.

When you take that same "helpful" task (even if they become an expert and can hit it out of the park!) and pressure them to do something else, you are headed for disaster:-(
e.g. Spouse may have an eye for staging, sales or selecting Killer Deals. and you try to get her to help you put a roof on:-(

I've found that being supportive and PAYING THEM CASH, the same as you would PAY an expert, valued employee, will insure you'll be a successful couple in this "Simple but Not East" field.
Good Luck Investing.
PS This even works in Massachusetts;-)

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Pat L.

Rental Property Investor · Upstate, NY · Member since 2012 · 3k+ posts · 3k+ votes

13y

@Rob K - Hope you didn't think I was going to let you get away with saying us women are very emotional when we are not pregnant. We as humans are ALL emotional, us women just aren't afraid to show it! Pregnant or not! LOL ;)

Reminds me of the note the Wife left on the fridge...
"It's just not working. I am going to stay at my mothers"
What's she talking about...he thought
I opened the fridge, the light went on & the beer was cold???

Keep them involved every step of the way & once they see you succeeding they should become supportive.

My wife analyses everything to the nth degree, & she is very involved.
But she can recite the intricacies of a deal that went wrong in far more detail than the overwhelming successes we have had :)

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