people avoid me because I look different, what should I do ?
Mobile, AL · Member since 2016 · 14 posts · 2 votes
Greetings good people ,
Not every is going to like me or feel comfortable to me . thats normal . but what is not normal is when it is becoming the norm .
I contact a seller , he r she replies to me and we agree to meet to discuss the deal . But I see how uncomfortable or disappointed the seller becomes when he or she sees me or sometimes I see fear :( . even though in some situations I am meeting them at a restaurant and I am the one who invited them and made clear it is my treat .
you can tell from my picture that I do not resemble the main stream shape or skin color .
This business , and If the seller or a lender is having any negative impressions that will effect how the deal goes .
This issue has effected me widely and created a major safety concern if I want to drive for dollars and look for properties .
What should I do to overcome this problem ?
Your input is highly valuable and appreciated
Kalid,
You are your worst enemy here. You are thinking that other people are getting negative first impressions. How do you know what they are thinking? Here is the key, CONFIDENCE! You have to self reflect, understand that you have/know what it takes to get things done then execute. There are very few people who are not drawn to confidence. DO NOT be cocky, but present yourself in a way that leaves no doubt you know what you're doing. Do not try and psychoanalyze what people think, at the end of the day remember a deal is a deal and if you look like the elephant man but youre making someone money, they will look right past that.
Im not sure if it really has to do with your race or looks. I mean, it can't be because you are not white, if you are talking to them over the phone before hand and give them your name. Its pretty obvious your not white, just by the name alone. Im not saying theres not prejudice or racism in this world, but they would have to know before hand just from your name that the person they are going to meet at the restaurant or what ever isn't going to be white.....
Yeah, I get that a lot also. Unless you wish to pay for a lot of plastic surgery or pretend to be someone you aren't get over it. Become excellent at what you do and embrace your difference. It is not that difficult to turn it into an advantage. I attend a fair number of REIA meetings. I rarely wear a name tag nor distribute business cards. I don't really need them--people tend to know who I am. I often have people call out greetings to me when they enter the room and are standing behind me. My appearance has become my brand.
Those people who prejudge you are telling you a lot about themselves. I don't like to work with a-holes. I appreciate it when people demonstrate that they would not be a good partner on our initial meeting--it saves me a lot of time.
Kalid,
You are your worst enemy here. You are thinking that other people are getting negative first impressions. How do you know what they are thinking? Here is the key, CONFIDENCE! You have to self reflect, understand that you have/know what it takes to get things done then execute. There are very few people who are not drawn to confidence. DO NOT be cocky, but present yourself in a way that leaves no doubt you know what you're doing. Do not try and psychoanalyze what people think, at the end of the day remember a deal is a deal and if you look like the elephant man but youre making someone money, they will look right past that.
You may want to see if you can find someone (not a friend--they want to make you happy, and you need someone who will be upfront with you instead of telling you what you want to hear) who would be willing to "role play' with you and give you honest feedback on what might be going on.
It could be body language. It could be something going on with culture or social norms. It could be the confidence and first impression you're giving regarding your experience. Most of these folks could be nervous and fearful of the transaction--especially if they are in a dire position or have never dealt with an investor before. So, they head into it fearful and you might be doing something unconsciously that reinforces that anxiety/fear.
The only way you'll know is to get someone unbiased who can help you figure it out. Maybe meet someone at one of the REIA meetings and take them out to dinner to role play with you.
Honestly I have to agree with most of the previous statements although I didn't fully read them I did glance several comments. I understand what you are feeling because often peoples discomfort is projected outward and it can leave a damper on your spirit. That stated - Don't give up... Adjust. Wear a suit , smile a bit more (not suggesting subservience) beat them to the punch by projecting your good jovial attitude on them. Which may be able to ease their discomfort if not totally then substantially. How could you not be excited in a business that you love enroute to financial freedom?
You can also try doing business in another market. Either one in a close proximity or out of state so long as it offers profitable numbers , the 'all parties win' opportunity. The thing is @Kalid Alogbiin the beginning of your REI career you will have to deal with people so you either adjust to succeed or don't. Later you may be able to automate your business. Some people are shy, passive aggressive, some are just not gregarious. Don't take it personal in any event. My coin.
Kudos,
Mary
Im not sure if it really has to do with your race or looks. I mean, it can't be because you are not white, if you are talking to them over the phone before hand and give them your name. Its pretty obvious your not white, just by the name alone. Im not saying theres not prejudice or racism in this world, but they would have to know before hand just from your name that the person they are going to meet at the restaurant or what ever isn't going to be white.....
this really confuses me and I am trying to understand it . However, I have been told that ones , " we avoided you at first because you look different " . it is not always about racism , sometimes it is just preference . Thank you for taking the time and replying to my post!! I really appreciate it !!
Yeah, I get that a lot also. Unless you wish to pay for a lot of plastic surgery or pretend to be someone you aren't get over it. Become excellent at what you do and embrace your difference. It is not that difficult to turn it into an advantage. I attend a fair number of REIA meetings. I rarely wear a name tag nor distribute business cards. I don't really need them--people tend to know who I am. I often have people call out greetings to me when they enter the room and are standing behind me. My appearance has become my brand.
Those people who prejudge you are telling you a lot about themselves. I don't like to work with a-holes. I appreciate it when people demonstrate that they would not be a good partner on our initial meeting--it saves me a lot of time.
Jeff ! you really spoke to my heart with your words, I appreciate you sharing this with me . the key word is turn it into an advantage , which I am trying to figure out . I like how you described that your appearance has become your brand ! this is smart . I might think of my appearance in the same way !! thanks a LOT for taking the time to share your experience with me . I highly appreciate it .
if you've got a deal, people won't care what you look like or whatever, or at least I won't.
money knows race or religion. and if they do, lucky for me as I can get the deal. :)
I believe in the same thing , the deal is the main focus. but I think some people put a higher priority on their impression and forget about the reason why we are talking to each other .
Thank you for responding to my post and sharing your thoughts with me !!
Kalid,
You are your worst enemy here. You are thinking that other people are getting negative first impressions. How do you know what they are thinking? Here is the key, CONFIDENCE! You have to self reflect, understand that you have/know what it takes to get things done then execute. There are very few people who are not drawn to confidence. DO NOT be cocky, but present yourself in a way that leaves no doubt you know what you're doing. Do not try and psychoanalyze what people think, at the end of the day remember a deal is a deal and if you look like the elephant man but youre making someone money, they will look right past that.
Scott! thank you for your reply . you are mentioning a very important concept here and Allow me to expand the discussion a little bit so I can get the most benefit of your reply .
I always put the responsibility on my part for not getting what I am aiming for . I did this at the beginning , I took courses on how to communicate with people , and public speaking as well. I have been told several times I represent the self confidence . now , How do I know if I have done everything I could to get the positive first impression ?
to answer your question :
How do you know what they are thinking?
I just know , I do not know how . but my inner feeling never failed me .
" understand that you have/know what it takes to get things done then execute"
I like this advice and I am working on it and this why I am here at BP!
"there are very few people who are not drawn to confidence. DO NOT be cocky, but present yourself in a way that leaves no doubt you know what you're doing."
I hope I am not cocky ! but who knows , perhaps there is something I do make people feel I am . thanks for bringing this up!! I look more into it
" deal is a deal and if you look like the elephant man but youre making someone money, they will look right past that."
Great one !! I like it a lot .
Really thank you for spending the time to reply to my post !! I appreciate it a lot .
I totally agree with Scott Freer
I think you also (and don't take this the wrong way) but maybe think of toning down a bit. Maybe just a quick coffee and dress down a lil, khakis and button up, no jewelry it anything that looks too expensive as this may be intimidating to people. Not saying you are dressing too expensive but just offering my suggestion.
I know for me I try to smile a lot and give a very warm impression to people that shows I'm genuinely interested in helping solve their problem.
I am not taking in the wrong way at all !!! in fact I think you are absolutely right . I am trying to make a deal not to impress people . your suggestion accepted !! and I value your time that you spent in writing your reply to share it with me ! GOD bless !
You may want to see if you can find someone (not a friend--they want to make you happy, and you need someone who will be upfront with you instead of telling you what you want to hear) who would be willing to "role play' with you and give you honest feedback on what might be going on.
It could be body language. It could be something going on with culture or social norms. It could be the confidence and first impression you're giving regarding your experience. Most of these folks could be nervous and fearful of the transaction--especially if they are in a dire position or have never dealt with an investor before. So, they head into it fearful and you might be doing something unconsciously that reinforces that anxiety/fear.
The only way you'll know is to get someone unbiased who can help you figure it out. Maybe meet someone at one of the REIA meetings and take them out to dinner to role play with you.
Joy ! this an amazing idea . I defiantly will do it . all the factors that you mentioned are important and can really be a deal breaker for many . I really want to improve myself and your idea is a huge step in the right direction . one more point you mentioned which I consider an eye opener is how selling a house could be frightening , I never sold my a house of mine , therefore , I never thought of it . thanks A LOT for replying to my post .
Honestly I have to agree with most of the previous statements although I didn't fully read them I did glance several comments. I understand what you are feeling because often peoples discomfort is projected outward and it can leave a damper on your spirit. That stated - Don't give up... Adjust. Wear a suit , smile a bit more (not suggesting subservience) beat them to the punch by projecting your good jovial attitude on them. Which may be able to ease their discomfort if not totally then substantially. How could you not be excited in a business that you love enroute to financial freedom?
You can also try doing business in another market. Either one in a close proximity or out of state so long as it offers profitable numbers , the 'all parties win' opportunity. The thing is @Kalid Alogbiin the beginning of your REI career you will have to deal with people so you either adjust to succeed or don't. Later you may be able to automate your business. Some people are shy, passive aggressive, some are just not gregarious. Don't take it personal in any event. My coin.
Kudos,
Mary
Mary !!
I am really speechless , I do not know how to encounter your wonderful words . it is full with hope and encouragement!! your reply is helpful far beyond than you imagine it would be. this wonderful reply tells a lot about your personality . and to be honest , after reading all posts , I saw a pattern , which I like . all of you guys are pushing toward success . I am glad I asked my question and I am appreciative to you and to all whom answered my questions.
Mary ! I wish you a wonderful career and may GOD grants you all your dreams come true !!
Kudos,
Kalid
The only advice I can give is to try and build rapport with the person you are dealing with, whether it is sports, family, type of investing, hobby, etc.
I don't think you want to deal with someone who is so narrow minded. They obviously have limiting beliefs and you do not want to associate with them.
Remember, what people say is about them and what you hear is about you. People who treat you this way are the ones with the serious issues. Do not let it affect you or else you may go into every situation assuming that's the way you will be treated.
If you think the market you are currently working in is difficult, consider moving to a market that you would feel more comfortable. I live in NY and I am moving to Florida for similar reasons
Good Luck
Gino
I am going to put a few ideas out there. Hopefully nobody jumps down my throat! Disclaimer, I am not asking you to take these suggestions if they offend you or your beliefs.
First of all, there is physical appearance and second there is how you act towards people. You can easily find two people of the same color that have nothing in common, talk different and share different beliefs. They will not get along.
Second, if you immigrated to the USA and are first generation, you may still be learning American culture. There is a major difference between first generation immigrants and their children in how they interconnect with people in their community. My father was an immigrant and struggled in elementary school because he was different. His parents mostly socialized with people from the same country who went to the same church. I am second generation, raised in the USA and fully part of the culture. We could debate whether American culture is good or bad, but that is not the point. The point is you want to buy houses from southern Americans who like apple pie and guns (maybe not literally in all cases, but you get the point).
1. Have you considered shaving your facial hair? It is been shown that facial hair can lead to distrust. There are many studies around this, so feel free to research it. Looking at your photo, this is one step I would take right away.
2. Have you considered adopting a nick name to use that is more American? For example maybe go by Kale for short. My full name is Joseph and I go by Joe. Joe is much more informal and friendly sounding. I work with people in China who have adopted American names they use in business. For example Bob Chen. His birth name is not Bob, but by using an Americanized name, it helps him because people can pronounce it and relate easier.
3. How do you dress when you meet with people? In your photo you are well dressed and that would be very appropriate to meet a banker. When you are door to door with people, adopting dress similar to your seller is better. Politicians do this all the time. In my home state of South Dakota the Governors wear jeans when they meet with people. My state is rural and farmers, ranchers, feel more comfortable that way. If you seem like the "common person" you will be more approachable. Just make a note of what everyone else is wearing and try to blend in. You can change when you get home if it is that bad!
4. You mentioned taking classes, but have you been through Dale Carnegie Training. I am not just talking about reading the book, How to Win Friends and Influence People, but you should do that too. I am talking about a multi-week class that teaches you how to relate to people. I have been through the program and recommend it to anyone.
5. Relating to people is critical to gaining trust. People like people that are like them. I am not talking color. The best way to connect with people is finding common interests. Maybe you both have kids, have a common sports team, etc. You will need to also embrace your differences and use it to your advantage. Comedy is a good way to do this. I am hesitant to start giving examples here because I am bound to offend someone... For example if you were very overweight, you may crack some fat jokes about yourself. Nothing offensive, but jokes that play off stereotypes to disarm people. For ideas you could listen to ethnic comedians who poke fun at their own culture and think up a couple jokes you can work into conversation. Be very careful with humor because it can offend or fail to be funny. I did business with one guy that was Chinese and had an Australian accent. When I met him face to face, he said I bet your surprised to meet a Chinese guy with an Australian accent. He went on to talk about his family and joked a little. It was very disarming and I instantly liked the guy. I am not Chinese or Australian!
6. Keep in mind it is your job to make people feel comfortable and part of that is you being happy and friendly. You could be too serious or direct when you are interacting with people. Keep a smile on your face as much as possible. Practice smiling when you are alone. Looking at your profile picture on BiggerPockets, you look kind of pissed off. Why aren't you smiling? First action today is to load a new profile picture with a smile!
7. Learn how to make small talk and prepare topics before you meet with people. Rather than jumping into business, you should make small talk to get them warmed up. Avoid anything political or religious, unless you feel there is common ground. Safe topics are usually weather, sports, local news, and really any interest they may have. Don't feel like you need to know everything because people enjoy talking about themselves. Much of small talk is asking questions and getting others to talk. If someone has a boat, ask them if they like fishing? Then keep asking more questions like, where is a good place to fish around here? What kind of fish can you catch there? I have never had that kind of fish what does it taste like? What is the limit you can catch in this state? I could go on for hours about that one topic and I don't fish or eat fish. Do you see my point? You don't need to like something to talk about it.
8. Credibility can be built with your portfolio of past work. Tell people about other deals you have done in the area. Name drop people you have worked with that are happy sellers. Say something like, I bought a house last year from Joe Jackson over on Oak street a couple blocks away? Do you know Joe? He was great to work with and I am sure he would give me a good reference. Just make sure your references are legitimate and get their permission to talk about them. If the seller gets the feeling you have done deals with neighbors, they will feel more comfortable.
9. Crank the song Home Sweet Alabama on your stereo as you pull into their driveway. This one is a joke. If you are not laughing, you probably need to relax and have more fun. That is what life is all about.
I hope some of my ideas are useful to you. I spent an hour writing this post trying to help a stranger with nothing to gain. Hopefully you take my suggestions to heart. I wish you much success!
The only advice I can give is to try and build rapport with the person you are dealing with, whether it is sports, family, type of investing, hobby, etc.
I don't think you want to deal with someone who is so narrow minded. They obviously have limiting beliefs and you do not want to associate with them.
Remember, what people say is about them and what you hear is about you. People who treat you this way are the ones with the serious issues. Do not let it affect you or else you may go into every situation assuming that's the way you will be treated.
If you think the market you are currently working in is difficult, consider moving to a market that you would feel more comfortable. I live in NY and I am moving to Florida for similar reasons
Good Luck
Gino
First , I wish you luck in your new market . to be honest with you , this problem it held back from doing many things , it is good to find someone who is successful investor like yourself and have an experience in this kind of issues . let me ask you this : by moving to another market area , do you mean another city or completely different state and area like I am in the south now and move to up north or west ...etc?
@Kalid Alogbi I have been doing volunteer work with refugees for 25 years. Which has let me see bigotry from vantage points that most Anglo Americans do not get to see. You are probably doing a great job dealing with people. You are in Mobile and you did not mention anyone screaming "terrorist."
Humor is often the best way to overcome ignorance. Of course, avoid places that you think might be dangerous. If you think your ethnic identity is going to shock people, but you still want to talk to people... I would suggest a T-Shirt that says "Yes my name is Kalid. No I am not a terrorist." or perhaps "Hello, I am Kalid. No, not the terrorist."
It has been a very difficult decision for me. I am moving from NY to Jacksonville Fl with 6 children. I have many ties to the community and have had a business for 20 years. I see NY with its liberal policies destroying the economy, constantly raising taxes and scaring away jobs. My decision was not easy, but no good decision is easy. I am ready to become very uncomfortable, which I think will lead to growth and new opportunity. I can't blame NY or any exterior situation. That would be fruitless. I have decided to take action and create a new future. Just hope it's the right one.
You can always reach out to me if you want to talk
Best
Gino
Kalid - can you add a bit of background? When you say you contacted a seller, what do you mean? A FSBO whose house you want to buy? Or a potential seller whose house you'd like to list? Your profile doesn't quite clarify what you're trying to do.
What is the matter with your appearance? Unless the picture you posted is not representative of the way you look. You look like most people I see on a daily basis. Do you dress funny in your native garb or do you dress "American"? Do you have a thick or heavy accent that makes it hard to understand you? Do you smell funny or cuss a lot? From looking at you, you look perfectly normal to me. So it must be something aside from your appearance turning people off.
It has been a very difficult decision for me. I am moving from NY to Jacksonville Fl with 6 children. I have many ties to the community and have had a business for 20 years. I see NY with its liberal policies destroying the economy, constantly raising taxes and scaring away jobs. My decision was not easy, but no good decision is easy. I am ready to become very uncomfortable, which I think will lead to growth and new opportunity. I can't blame NY or any exterior situation. That would be fruitless. I have decided to take action and create a new future. Just hope it's the right one.
You can always reach out to me if you want to talk
Best
Gino
Thank you Gino , I might will !! I wish Success in Jacksonville , there is a say in my culture " your home land is where you find affluent live " I think your children will love being there giving the close distance to Orlando . I am sure you have reached such decision after a carful analysis . I imagine you are under a lot of pressure specially with children. kids always influence our decisions . Creating new future is never a bad decision . GOD bless you and your family .
Greetings good people ,
Not every is going to like me or feel comfortable to me . thats normal . but what is not normal is when it is becoming the norm .
I contact a seller , he r she replies to me and we agree to meet to discuss the deal . But I see how uncomfortable or disappointed the seller becomes when he or she sees me or sometimes I see fear :( . even though in some situations I am meeting them at a restaurant and I am the one who invited them and made clear it is my treat .
you can tell from my picture that I do not resemble the main stream shape or skin color .
This business , and If the seller or a lender is having any negative impressions that will effect how the deal goes .
This issue has effected me widely and created a major safety concern if I want to drive for dollars and look for properties .
What should I do to overcome this problem ?
Your input is highly valuable and appreciated
Unless your picture is not really you, I have to say it is not your appearence. If you looked like the elephant man I would agree with you. Looks always play a big part of the deal. I would not change your name, shave your beard, or your clothes.
If you are talking to them over the phone first, I have to believe you do not have a thick accent. I would also say that you are quite comfortable until you get face to face. Then the fear sets in. What kind of deals are you trying to do? Maybe you are trying to do deals that you believe are unethical. Have you done any real estate transactions yet? There are a lot of things that come to mind, your looks is not one of them.
You need to find someone that can read people and watch you meet a homeowner from a distance. Then give you feedback on what they see. With out doing this we can only guess at what is really going on.
@Kalid Alogbi, I don't think this dude made it in real estate through good looks and charm
Don't let a bunch of folks discourage you. And it may not be looks either. New investors approach things differently and agents may want to work with seasoned investors. And as @Account Closedsaid, you're in bible belt country. Things may be different down there. Don't take it personally. Approach problems with rapport and deal technicals and how it benefits the other party. You'd be surprised how little they care about the buyer then.