Starting Out - Spouse NOT on board. What do I do? HELP!

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Starting Out - Spouse NOT on board. What do I do? HELP!

Kevin Christensen
Rental Property Investor · Delaware, USA · Member since 2018 · 43 posts · 48 votes

BP,

I am in the education phase right now.  I am consuming every drop of information I can via reading, blogs, podcasts, YT, etc.  I am ready to move forward with my first property as soon as the first of the year, maybe sooner if we can close within 30 days around Christmas time.  My issue is, my spouse is not driven for long term goals like I am.  She wants to enjoy our money that we've worked hard for, while our kids are young, and make memories.  To her, that is more important than long term wealth.  We aren't promised tomorrow.  Before anyone clowns about finding a new wife, we've been together almost 18 years and she is my best friend.  No amount of money is worth losing her.  With that said, have any of you gone through this type of struggle early in your real estate journey and overcome it?  I am not worried about getting her involved.  I am worried about her being friction in between me and MY goals.  She is super supportive of my mindset and my goals, she just doesn't support things that cause time to be taken away from family stuff or money to be hoarded that could be used for memories.  I really appreciate everyone's feedback.  

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Ned CareyPro Member
Moderator
Investor · Baltimore, MD · Member since 2008 · 17k+ posts · 13k+ votes
7y
@Kevin Christensen ask her “Do you want less today or more tomorrow” That is the choice she is making. You don’t have to spend money today to enjoy today. There is no requirement to spend money in order to spend more time with your kids.
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  • Chris MasonPro Member
    Moderator
    Lender · CA · Member since 2015 · 9k+ posts · 10k+ votes
    7y
    Originally posted by @Kevin Christensen:

    BP,

    I am in the education phase right now.  I am consuming every drop of information I can via reading, blogs, podcasts, YT, etc.  I am ready to move forward with my first property as soon as the first of the year, maybe sooner if we can close within 30 days around Christmas time.  My issue is, my spouse is not driven for long term goals like I am.  She wants to enjoy our money that we've worked hard for, while our kids are young, and make memories.  To her, that is more important than long term wealth.  We aren't promised tomorrow.  Before anyone clowns about finding a new wife, we've been together almost 18 years and she is my best friend.  No amount of money is worth losing her.  With that said, have any of you gone through this type of struggle early in your real estate journey and overcome it?  I am not worried about getting her involved.  I am worried about her being friction in between me and MY goals.  She is super supportive of my mindset and my goals, she just doesn't support things that cause time to be taken away from family stuff or money to be hoarded that could be used for memories.  I really appreciate everyone's feedback.  

    Gotta give and get. Maybe for every $1000 you spend on entertainment, you set aside $750 for REI. She's still getting 4 units worth of what she wants for every 3 units of what you want.

    21Reply
  • Kevin Christensen
    OP
    Rental Property Investor · Delaware, USA · Member since 2018 · 43 posts · 48 votes
    7y

    @Chris Mason That's not a bad idea.  I've got no problem with compromise.  We wouldn't have lasted this long without it.  Thanks man.

    2Reply
  • Ned CareyPro Member
    Moderator
    Investor · Baltimore, MD · Member since 2008 · 17k+ posts · 13k+ votes
    7y
    @Kevin Christensen ask her “Do you want less today or more tomorrow” That is the choice she is making. You don’t have to spend money today to enjoy today. There is no requirement to spend money in order to spend more time with your kids.
    23Reply
  • Syed H.
    Developer · NY/NJ/PA · Member since 2018 · 758 posts · 935 votes
    7y

    saving money isn't about enjoying vs not enjoying today. Saving money is necessary for enjoying today. Without savings and investments, the stress is of living paycheck to paycheck, or anywhere near it, is not worth it. 

    You can still enjoy today and invest. Just strike a balance. Take a percentage of your income and put that towards investments. Thats not unreasonable.

    3Reply
  • Lisa S.
    Marietta, GA · Member since 2018 · 21 posts · 37 votes
    7y

    Hi @Kevin Christensen,

    I have never been in your situation but I am a wife of a husband who has his goals that he is passionate and determined to make happen. 

    As a wife and a mother I understand where your wife is coming from but completely understand where you are coming from with your long term goals. 

    I believe if you can show her you guys can still enjoy the money from the hard work, have the family time, enjoy the children, and make the memories while you work on your long term wealth she will see that she can still have what her heart so desires. 

    It may take some brainstorming on how to find the blueprint of balance of everything but I believe you can do it. Then wife is still happy and you get to fulfill your long term goals. Who knows she may even jump on board. Stay optimistic.

    Hope this helps and enjoy making it happen!

    12Reply
  • Daniel Reyes
    Specialist · Tampa Bay Area, FL · Member since 2018 · 106 posts · 72 votes
    7y

    Hi Kevin,

    This is a fantastic question, thank you for sharing. You may read a spectrum of feedback types, so here is mine:

    This is an opportunity for you to inspire confidence in your wife's heart. The essence of her desire to cultivate your home with memories and time together, is a GOOD, good thing. This is no surprise to you because you married her. Okay, you will have to get creative in how you help her see your long-term perspective, because her perspective is logical. And so is yours. As with anything in our marriages, the compromise is not about give a little, take a little. This is about becoming one, particularly in major decisions like this one.

    In the end, like my wife, the women we've been blessed to cherish must feel secure. Her insecurity is not about investing. Your wife is smart, she knows there is empirical evidence suggesting good investing creates wealth for the future. So... you, in particular, will have to work a bit harder than men who are married to what we may call "entrepreneurial" women. But this is okay, you married her and she is worth the fight. So take courage, be strong, and fight for your futures!

    Take care,

    Daniel Reyes

    13Reply
  • Robert Hamilton
    Lakewood, CA · Member since 2018 · 39 posts · 19 votes
    7y

    @Kevin Christensen I read a book a few years ago, I am sorry the name escapes me, but the author discussed a theory about buckets of money. The reason behind it was for exactly the reason your wife brought up in that when people do not get to enjoy the fruits of their labor, they lose enthusiasm. The authors blueprint was to use "buckets of money". Generally, 30% was to be for expenses, 30% was to be for savings, 30% was for investing, and 10% was for Tithing. Now, if your expenses were more than 30%, say 40%, then you would take some from the other buckets until such time when you able to reduce your expenses to the 30% threshold.  

    In using this blueprint, one can still save for unexpected expenses, invest for their future, and still take the family vacations or go out to dinner and a movie and not feel like they are working for nothing. 

    5Reply
  • Matthew McNeil
    Rental Property Investor · Boise/Portland · Member since 2017 · 709 posts · 742 votes
    7y

    My wife of 27 years grew up without running water or electicity in rural impoverished Montana. So, as you can imagine, her emotional risk level is higher than most.   Initially, I just needed to patiently walk her through the idea of investment and each subsequent deal we've done after our first.  What I noticed helps the most is when I sit down with her and carefully explain everything to her and show her the numbers without her feeling I'm pushing.  She's grown over the years to fully support the growth of our portfolio.  

    6Reply
  • Chris R.
    Rental Property Investor · Southern NH · Member since 2017 · 87 posts · 100 votes
    7y
    Our situation started out this way but to my surprise, after putting together a business plan, she was more on board. Not saying this will change your wife’s mind! My advice to you if you decide to move forward with a property is not to make a mistake I did and make sure you finance in the rehab portion of the project. My business partner and I decided to do a lot of the work ourselves to save money and I can tell you it’s tough with a young family and a full time job. We’re about half way through this one now and I’ve started calling painters and others to push things along faster as well as save time to getting renters in. My advice is not to give her a reason to squash your second project because DIY is a nights and weekend endeavor at best and will absolutely take time away from family. And trust me, when you buy right, she will see your vision when the numbers start to come in after a rehab! The struggle is worth it!
    7Reply
  • Andrew Weitzel
    Rental Property Investor · Altoona, PA · Member since 2018 · 14 posts · 11 votes
    7y
    @Kevin Christensen Hey Kevin, thanks for posting. I am currently in education phase as well with looking and analyzing properties thankfully my wife is on board. What are your wife’s goals? You are building your family legacy so it is about her as well. If it was me I would see what her dreams are and if your like me my job isn’t going to fully reach those dreams. Also what if something happens and you can’t work, then what? You stop your money eventually stops but with real estate you can build a future with passive income that it doesn’t matter if you wake up or not. If you own a house, could you move and keep the how as a rental? Easy way to get into an investment because essentially all your doing is keeping the home you have and moving. Good luck negotiating. A book that has been recommended on BP is never split the difference and it is on negotiating.
    3Reply
  • Charlie MacPherson
    China, ME · Member since 2014 · 3k+ posts · 4k+ votes
    7y

    @Kevin Christensen Money isn't everything.  My wife and I have been together 40 very happy years now and compromise has been one of the reasons.  

    20 years ago, I had a particular career path I desperately wanted to pursue, but it would have placed some burdens on her that she didn't want.  I relented.  I also made the decision that I'd never hold it against her or bring it up again - and I've never gone back on that.

    So I'd suggest working out a compromise. Lay out the REI plan and explain the benefits you see. Then listen intently to her position on it and make adjustments.

    Happy wife, happy life!

    6Reply
  • Chris Szepessy
    Catskill, NY · Member since 2018 · 636 posts · 668 votes
    7y

    You don't need to spend a lot of money (or any money at all) to spend quality time with your wife and kids. There are times when fun things do cost money. It is all about compromise and balance. I do without a lot of things so my wife and kids can have what they want/need and I can also try to save more money. 

     My wife and I have never been on a honeymoon (been married 10 years) and she occasionally makes "digs" about it, in a joking manner. I told her that by the time were 45-50, everyday can be our honeymoon when we "retire."  

    Don't give up a bunch of time with your family to make a few dollars. It's not worth it. Kids grow way too fast and before you know it, they want to spend more time with friends than they do their parents. My last rental I bought, I was up at 330am on my days off to go work on it until 9-10am when my wife and kids were up and ready so we could go do something together or so I could make it to their soccer/baseball games. I used to also bring them with me so they could help out and make some money. Quality time together and still getting things done!

    6Reply
  • Daniel KentPro Member
    Rental Property Investor · Berlin, NJ · Member since 2016 · 83 posts · 23 votes
    7y
    @Kevin Christensen Hey Kevin! Look up Tim Shiner, I just finished his book that he co-wrote with his wife, Crystal. Each chapter you see his perspective, then her perspective on RE investing. Also, they get their kids involved with the whole process, so maybe this venture can actually bring your family closer together. Good luck!
    7Reply
  • Thomas S.
    Member since 2016 · 13k+ posts · 12k+ votes
    7y

     It took me several years to get my wife on board. Until that time I did not move forward with investing, the aggravation would simply not be worth it. You should consider putting your plans on hold until she sees the light otherwise every time you spend time on your business she is going to make you regret your decision. She will secretly hold it against you forever. She is in reality not supportive of your mind set.

    There is absolutely no way you can invest if she "doesn't support things that cause time to be taken away from family stuff or money to be hoarded". You can not invest without dong both of those so best to put your plans on the shelf for now otherwise she will make you regret it every day.

    Your wife has tunnel vision and sees no value in planning for the future. She may have a pay check to pay check mentality if she can not see how investing for the future is more important than here and now.

    She is probably self centered and definatly short sighted. Life is a balance that she does not understand or appreciate. You will regret investing if she does not change her attitude first.

    3Reply
  • Shiloh LundahlPro Member
    Rental Property Investor · Gilbert, AZ · Member since 2016 · 3k+ posts · 4k+ votes
    7y

    @Kevin Christensen I understand the situation that you are describing. I have worked with many couples who have differing views on money and what is the best use of it. 

    Sometimes finding a neutral 3rd party class on money can be helpful to go to. And then you can discuss the principles taught about money in the class.  

    Also, I have come to see money more as a stewardship meaning that I am responsible to put it to its highest and best use and make it grow. One of the best books out there, in my opinion, about this is The Richest Man in Babylon.  That book is where the phrase “pay yourself first” comes from.  The concept is pay yourself first and don’t let it be less than 10% of what you make.  Then that becomes the seed money you use to invest. Once some of that money starts to accumulate, you use that money to build your wealth. Also, on BiggerPockets, there are several podcasts and webinars that show how to invest with less money down that you could take advantage of in order to leverage the money you invest.

    I would encourage you to love your wife and tell her you love her and then let her know that it is not responsible not to save at least 10% to invest. Let her know that she can decide on how the other 90% of the money that comes into the home gets spent but that there needs to be at leat 10% that needs to go towards creating income for the future.

    I hope that helps.

    480-206-1209Podcast Guest on Show #287
    8Reply
  • John Weiderman
    Member since 2018 · 2 posts · 5 votes
    7y
    @Kevin Christensen I'm not far ahead of where you are in the REI journey, and what I figured out that got my wife on board was that she needed her own "why" and not just mine. What would motivate her to be on board? (My wife's was the promise of a lake house with the dividends RE would create in a few years). She wants to spend more time with your kids, what if she knew that the cash flow you keep would go toward a vacation fund for a once-in-a lifetime vacation? "Seek first to understand," right?
    5Reply
  • Darren Cusanelli
    Contractor · Member since 2018 · 21 posts · 10 votes
    7y
    @Kevin Christensen I have only been in the investment situation a year..how o got that turned around was to have my wife involved...let her go to house with you..put on the overalls and work right along side you...fixing it up...let her look with you at potential next buys...eventually if the ownership aspect clicks..she's a different person
    1Reply
  • Caleb Heimsoth
    Rental Property Investor · Durham, NC · Member since 2016 · 7k+ posts · 7k+ votes
    7y
    @Kevin Christensen. Doesn’t really matter how you do it, but you gotta get her on board for your REI to be successful
    4Reply
  • Stephanie P.Pro Member
    Washington, DC Mortgage Lender/Broker · Member since 2016 · 4k+ posts · 2k+ votes
    7y
    Originally posted by @Kevin Christensen:

    BP,

    I am in the education phase right now.  I am consuming every drop of information I can via reading, blogs, podcasts, YT, etc.  I am ready to move forward with my first property as soon as the first of the year, maybe sooner if we can close within 30 days around Christmas time.  My issue is, my spouse is not driven for long term goals like I am.  She wants to enjoy our money that we've worked hard for, while our kids are young, and make memories.  To her, that is more important than long term wealth.  We aren't promised tomorrow.  Before anyone clowns about finding a new wife, we've been together almost 18 years and she is my best friend.  No amount of money is worth losing her.  With that said, have any of you gone through this type of struggle early in your real estate journey and overcome it?  I am not worried about getting her involved.  I am worried about her being friction in between me and MY goals.  She is super supportive of my mindset and my goals, she just doesn't support things that cause time to be taken away from family stuff or money to be hoarded that could be used for memories.  I really appreciate everyone's feedback.  

    Is there any way to incorporate the family in building your empire?  Not sure how old your kids are, but learning how to fix things or build things or manage money are all invaluable skills that can be taught  from father to son/daughter and can be part of building memories.  Real estate investing is not a one man show.  Get them all involved and teach them that real estate is a way to build generational wealth.

    Best of luck

    Stephanie

    7Reply
  • Brian Ellis
    Rental Property Investor · South shore, MA · Member since 2017 · 1k+ posts · 1k+ votes
    7y

    My girlfriend of two years has been with me the same amount of time ive invested in RE. We started dating when I had bought my first house, which I ended up gutting and rehabbing. She stayed with me while sleeping on an old mattress on a dusty plywood floor, with no kitchen and a gross shower/toilet in the basement. She hated every second of it, and she wanted to spend money on things I found irrelevant. What I found out, was she just wanted to spend quality time with me. 

    I was the problem, not her. I always defended myself for my actions (saving money, always working). But I didn't have to defend myself, I just needed to show that I care. As @Ned Carey mentioned, money isn't needed for that.

    Since then, and putting in a little more effort towards her, she has signed up for a RE class and will be going for her license (her decision). And she is more concerned now with saving money than she ever was.

    13Reply
  • John MorganPro Member
    Rental Property Investor · Grand Prairie, TX · Member since 2018 · 2k+ posts · 2k+ votes
    7y
    @Kevin Christensen I’ve been with my wife for 23 years. She was on board with our first rental In 2015 because it was a nightly rental in Branson, Missouri that we could enjoy using with the kids for free on vacations. I started seeing dollar signs in real estate and bought another property 8 months later that was in foreclosure. No matter how much I showed her the value and numbers in real estate, she wasn’t on board. Especially when we had to spend $ on them for typical upkeep. I got hooked and started buying more after I refinanced our prImary home to free up cash. This caused major stress on our marriage even though all six of our properties were cash flowing about 2k/month. All she saw was that they were maintance pigs and took my time. Even a 3 minute phone call with a tenant over a minor maintenance problem drove her nuts. She was definitely not on board with my new hobby. So here’s what I did to keep the peace. I bought her stuff for the house so she could enjoy things immediately and knew not all of our hard earned money was going to our properties. I bought her a new dishwasher and fridge. I bought her a really nice backyard patio with a fire pit and grill. She still didn’t seem to be on board with my rentals, so I bought her a new car. And I’m cheap. I’m that person who takes peanut butter sandwichs to work to save $ on eating out. I’ve never driven a car worth more than $1,000. I’ve always saved money to invest vs wasted it on materialistic things. By spending more money on my wife and kids after diving into the real estate market has saved my marriage. And I don’t do any maintenance work on them. I text someone to go do it and pay them the going rate. If your wife sees you prioritizing family time over rentals, she’ll warm up to the idea when you show her the numbers coming in over time. Don’t discount her opposition to this. I did and regret it. She kept telling me “This isn’t normal. I didn’t grow up like this where my parents bought a bunch of houses. I don’t feel comfortable taking on all this debt and spending large amounts of money fixing these properties.” I would recommend going slow. Maybe one property a year. I bought 4 in one year and really upset her by doing this. Slow down and respect her feelings. If she wants more “things” and family time, then honor that the best way you can.
    7Reply
  • Joe SplitrockPro Member
    Moderator
    Rental Property Investor · Sioux Falls, SD · Member since 2015 · 9k+ posts · 18k+ votes
    7y

    @Kevin Christensen 

    Is she opposed to saving ANY money or are you doing any sort of retirement savings? How about college savings for your kids? Because if you are already setting aside money for retirement or college, then investing in real estate is just changing your investment choice, not costing you more money. The other thing to remember is done correctly, real estate makes you money, it doesn't cost you money. Your mortgage costs you money every month, rental properties make you money every month.

    As far as time, real estate is a time commitment for sure. It is a part time business, but can be very minimal if you have good processes in place. Do you have any hobbies today? I know men who go golfing or bowling one day a week. I spend less time away from my family on REI than they do on their hobbies. We even make it a family event when we have turn over and work together. So you talk about memories - we have the memory of painting a property together or the memory of going to closings together. Yes my daughter likes to go to closings, mostly for the free cookies, haha.

    The problem here is the limiting belief that your wife and YOU have about investing. Investing makes you money, which buys freedom and time. Until you can wrap your head around that, you will find every excuse possible to not start investing in real estate.

    4Reply
  • Kim Stofan
    Realtor · Rocklin · Member since 2016 · 128 posts · 67 votes
    7y

    That's tough.  I was in the same situation with my husband when I first started out.  He was not too keen on my extreme budgeting and ambitious goals.  He has come around but it took a couple years.  Funny enough, it was after he read the book "Meet the Frugalwoods."  He can see the vision now (financial independence by the time we are in our mid 40s).  You may want to try this exercise:  Ask her to write down the top 5 things that make her most happy during the week.  I'd guess that quality time with the family will be high on the list.  You can explain that your actions and goals will enable your family to have more quality time with one another.  Hopefully most of the items on the list will not require spending money at all!  The goal being able to find things to do together that are free but still are very fulfilling.  If she likes podcasts, I'd recommend the chooseFI podcast.  

    4Reply
  • Jeremy M.
    Investor · Advance, NC · Member since 2016 · 79 posts · 61 votes
    7y
    @Kevin Christensen Based on my experience personally, I'm guessing if you can make sure she feels secure (home/finances ect) in the process, you'll have her onboard with you. If she can trust you enough to get started then you can educate the fear out of her. I don't say this in a belittling way but education and real world stories will alleviate most fear about the world of REI. Wishing you the best! I'm married for 18 yrs. She's my business partner/voice of reason/best friend and we love pursuing our dreams through REI together.
    0Reply
  • Ivan BarrattBusiness Member
    Investor · Indianapolis, IN · Member since 2015 · 764 posts · 953 votes
    7y

    @Kevin Christensen didn't read all the posts thus far so sorry if I am repeating anything.  My wife is also my best friend and in the beginning we came from very very different backgrounds.

    15 years later we've gone from one duplex to owning 2500 units and a real estate management company with nearly 3500 units in total.

    We are still growing but one of our earliest breakthroughs was dragging her to a 2 day rich dad seminar on building wealth with real estate. It wasn't anywhere close to the end all be all for us but it helped her start to build a foundation of the "why" I'm so passionate about cash flow! Plus, she learned some practical, tactical information best taught by nearly anyone but me! 

    Sometimes our wives need to hear and learn things from an outside, credible, 3rd party! 

    All the best!!

    5Reply
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