Rental Property Investor · Delaware, USA · Member since 2018 · 43 posts · 48 votes
BP,
I am in the education phase right now. I am consuming every drop of information I can via reading, blogs, podcasts, YT, etc. I am ready to move forward with my first property as soon as the first of the year, maybe sooner if we can close within 30 days around Christmas time. My issue is, my spouse is not driven for long term goals like I am. She wants to enjoy our money that we've worked hard for, while our kids are young, and make memories. To her, that is more important than long term wealth. We aren't promised tomorrow. Before anyone clowns about finding a new wife, we've been together almost 18 years and she is my best friend. No amount of money is worth losing her. With that said, have any of you gone through this type of struggle early in your real estate journey and overcome it? I am not worried about getting her involved. I am worried about her being friction in between me and MY goals. She is super supportive of my mindset and my goals, she just doesn't support things that cause time to be taken away from family stuff or money to be hoarded that could be used for memories. I really appreciate everyone's feedback.
Investor · Baltimore, MD · Member since 2008 · 17k+ posts · 13k+ votes
7y
@Kevin Christensen ask her “Do you want less today or more tomorrow” That is the choice she is making.
You don’t have to spend money today to enjoy today. There is no requirement to spend money in order to spend more time with your kids.
Rental Property Investor · Redwood City, CA · Member since 2015 · 51 posts · 12 votes
7y
It took time for my wife to have the same enthusiasm as I do. And even today her key question is "Why do we want to scale further?" The key is to align on goals. Part of it might be to transition out of the corporate grind. It might also be to leave a legacy for our children. The finally component is having the same level of understanding in this business and it is not a complicated business. It is more about alignment on emotions and expectations. Good luck!
Rental Property Investor · VT · Member since 2017 · 233 posts · 147 votes
7y
Sometimes the best way is to lead by example - it's hard for someone to get onboard with saving for investment properties if you've only got $700 in a savings account, and you're trying to sell the "no down payment!" method - you know what I mean? Also - consider the idea that they have NO IDEA what you're talking about when it comes to rentals and the potential of them, I knew nothing about RE a year ago. I got more into it because of my own interest, but as you know, some people just aren't interested in it, period - that's okay, but it shouldn't allow them to be able to affect your future. It took several months, I didn't really notice how long, until it began sinking in to my gf that the whole "you only live once" and "you have to enjoy today" was complete bullsh*t and that you need to plan for your future or you won't have one. Eventually, after being subjected to months of me talking about real estate/money (I had no property yet), listening to the podcasts in the car, looking for properties, eventually buying one, etc - she doesn't mind the idea and has actually saved 20k in the last 1.5yrs or so (not necessarily for a RE purchase, but just because I talk about money ALL OF THE TIME, I think she finally realized that her bills are X and her income is Y... so she should be able to save Z per month - she just wasn't focused on that before - and as you know, you're money disappears unless you tell it what to do).
People who have zero financial literacy (which was me until very recently) have a hard time grasping frugality and let alone real estate investing - so, like I said, one way to get them on board is sheerly to walk the walk and show her how it works, save the money, listen to the podcasts, gain the knowledge, eventually buy the rental, etc etc.
I don't know the whole situation of your entire financial picture, but it seems like there needs to be a serious talk about your future financial goals - what are the goals for retirement? Are you saving enough for that? What's your monthly budget look like? Her lack of interest in future financial goals cannot go ignored, but maybe it's as easy as her gaining more knowledge of money, RE, and finances and the "FIRE" community before it clicks.
Edit: ALSO - totally agree with the 3rd party thing! Go to an RE meet up, so they can see that OTHER PEOPLE DO THIS, IT WORKS! They live in your town, they like to talk about what they do. I think it makes you feel less scared when you realize other people already do it, and you can too.
Investor · Los Altos, CA · Member since 2014 · 942 posts · 1k+ votes
7y
@Kevin Christensen I thought I would give you a different perspective than the others who have posted. It is great that so many people have spouses that are involved in their real estate, but mine is not. She does not want to get dirty, she does not want to go property hunting, she does not want to meet the lender, she does not want any part of it. She is much like your wife and wants to focus on the kids and building memories, etc. I am 100% cool with that. The way I approached it was not from a property purchasing perspective. I was building a company, a business that would eventually give me more time and freedom because I would no longer be tied to a boss or a time clock. The first few years suck sh*t, but you have to embrace the grind. There was nothing in my life except for family, work and REI: no drinking with friends, no golf, no TV, no gym. Every work day, I got up had breakfast with the family, headed to work like normal.
My lunch hours were spent doing all of the hunting for properties or during the renovation process buying things at Home Depot. I could not spend money on contractors because I am in an expensive market and I did not want waive a giant financial red flag of concern in front of my wife. Every evening, after work, I hit the job site for just 1 hour so I could be home in time for dinner. Afterwards, I did homework with the kids and then I would head back out to work on my property. Weekends, my wife and kids would sleep in, but I would hit job site before they woke up and I was home by 11 am. The time that was used for the business was MY time and I did not give up FAMILY time or OUR time.
The point being, you can do both, family and business, but you cannot make this leap half-hearted. If you screw it up on the first go, you will never get a kitchen pass again.
Rental Property Investor · Hollis, NH · Member since 2018 · 108 posts · 36 votes
7y
Great question!! I'm in the early phase of REI myself and have a very supportive wife of 14 years. We have 3 young girls and I already miss a lot running a family business that can required 7 day work weeks at times. She's gotten used to being a "single mom" at times, but doesn't love it. Things have gotten better over recent years and we've started to enjoy periods of a "normal life" with weekends off together with kids but like anything, things can change quickly and I can be back to working long hours!
Her one request with REI is that I don't let it eat into what little family time we have together. I've altered my schedule and get up between 4-5am so I have an hour or two to study/read/analyze deals. I'll take a "lunch break" to visit local properties and make calls when needed. She's an early to bed type, falling asleep on the couch around 8:30-9pm (kids are exhausting right?!?) so I'll take time in the evening to continue my REI activities.
While your wife may not be totally excited about the idea of REI, it sounds like you have a strong relationship which is likely built on trust. If she can trust you during the first couple deals and then can see the results I would bet she'll come around and maybe even want some input! Best of luck on your journey!
Rental Property Investor · New York City, NY · Member since 2015 · 11 posts · 4 votes
7y
Sometimes you have to educate your significant other on long term investing. Its not that she doesn't want you to have ventures, she doesn't understand the timeline of acquiring a home and what type of value it will bring to your family.
Investor · Tempe, AZ · Member since 2018 · 41 posts · 17 votes
7y
Sorry if this is repeating other advice, but I would guess that your wife would be more enthusiastic and supportive of your RE goals if she understood them better, so maybe find a way to educate her? In a way that doesn't seem pushy.
Also, she may have the misperception that you are too preoccupied or "worried" about the future versus enjoying today and being there with your family, so creating a balance of both in her mind will help. Creating memories and being present costs ZERO dollars, really, so I don't see how that has anything to do with how you spend your money, it is probably more about how you spend your TIME that she is referring to. Find the balance and help her get on board with education. People have a lot of beliefs and hangups with money, she is likely resisting it due to more of a false belief than a true desire to hinder your goals.
Yuma, AZ · Member since 2015 · 140 posts · 137 votes
7y
@Kevin Christensen didn't have support of my wife long time ago. Got divorced anyways. Now I'm single with 8 properties mortgage free and several woman that want to be on board...I'm gearing toward 15 total this year . Life is good.
Murray, UT · Member since 2016 · 162 posts · 166 votes
7y
@Kevin Christensen I would suggest starting small and very passive. All it will take is a year or so of consistent auto deposits into your bank account with minimal effort. Not many people would not like that. Then she may start to see the vision.
Things may backfire if your first deal is a fix er upper that takes all of your time and resources and you only have a few thousand to show for it. It may be tough to convince her if your grand plans of financial freedom have you tied up on weekends and have a drain on your account.
Go for a passive base hit, rather than hoping for a grand slam that may end up confirming all of her concerns.
Queens, NY · Member since 2016 · 2 posts · 3 votes
7y
@Kevin Christensen
There were a lot of good suggestions from educating your wife, getting your family involved, and even finding some sort of compromise. I have two suggestions that will definitely help get your wife closer to being on board - 1) Sell the dream and 2) Make her worry free.
Sell the dream:
I've been happily married for almost 2 years and I was fortunate to have sold my wife on the idea of REI, just before our marriage. The build up to it was simple, I would clearly explain what MY dream was, find out HER dream, then create OUR dream (i.e. Financial freedom, early retirement, vacationing, etc.). Once we established OUR dream, every time we had a great moment together (i.e. relaxing on the beach on our honeymoon, enjoying a fantastic dinner, etc.) or she mentioned appreciation for the moment, that's when you remind her why you are learning/investing in REI - for the dream.
Make her worry free
The second thing I do is regularly update her with an executive summary (i.e. short and in laymen's terms) on what's happening. The key is to keep your wife informed but not bogged down by details and most importantly, that you have everything under control. Does she need to know that you had to replace that doorknob or unclog that toilet? Probably not. Does she need to know you're buying another property or you're evicting a tenant? Most definitely. You will also want to be as transparent as possible with how much you're spending.
I tried to keep this short and left out some details here and there but this is generally what helped me.
Specialist · IL · Member since 2018 · 47 posts · 42 votes
7y
@Kevin Christensen this is a great post. I agree that you need to have your spouse on board. In my family we also enjoy a lot of time traveling and enjoying the now while preparing for the future.
A friend of mine is showIng me how to optImIze a system I came across several years ago. When I first heard about it (private banking) and the value it provides high income earners and self employed, I was shocked I hadn’t heard about it earlier. Then found out why.
The reason I bring this topic up is it does two things, protects and grows cash and cash flow. Allows you to keep more of your money now.
In addition there is a system that will help reduce taxes tremendously.
When you can show your spouse that money can be used for future growth and current cash flow, I think she will be on board.
San lorenzo, CA · Member since 2017 · 33 posts · 36 votes
7y
You should invest on a much lower form. Show your spouse how beneficial it is to invest in general. Also, show her some of the videos or podcasts that you listen to
Los Angeles, CA · Member since 2018 · 6 posts · 6 votes
7y
@Kevin Christensen
Sounds like you are already taking time in the education. With a good agent and team investing will not take that much more of your time, start networking and find ways to invest using others peoples money (i think there are some good BP books on this😉). With the right balance you can have yours without it impacting her’s. Do a couple of deals and her eyes will be opened a bit more. Not to mention give you the means and time to create more memories. Best of luck.
Rental Property Investor · UT · Member since 2014 · 127 posts · 68 votes
7y
@Kevin Christensen - I went through something similar with my wife two years ago. I was driven to sell our primary SF residence to majorly downsize into a brand new townhouse. I knew with the crazy UT market that we had a ton of equity in our SF and could use that towards the townhouse. I was planning on using the VA loan to purchase the TH so the catch was... we had to live in it for a year before we could legally move out and turn it into a rental. NO WAY.. she said, many time!! It took a lot of talks, a few fights, but after I sat her down and went through EVERY detail so she could physically see the benefits.. she was finally on board. We still have the townhouse as a rental two years later and are currently looking for our second.. but I am really struggling with the HOT market in Salt Lake. We purchased another primary SF home that we've been in for two years now and she is already talking about renting out our SF and buying another TH to rent. She's so driven now that she said she would even sacrifice and move into our 5th wheel trailer for a year to save money for another rental. Show your wife all the benefits and eventually she'll come around... and then she'll be hooked :-) Good luck friend!
@Kevin Christensen
I was in a similar situation a few years back. But it sounds like she’s at least suppprtive of you. That’s what’s really important.
As far as taking time away from family I can’t help but side with her. I’d give up everything to have had more time with my old man when I was a kid. There’s a healthy balance to find. Sometimes meetings, showings, or even signings just can’t be rescheduled, but strong foresight on your part can derail many of those overlaps between personal and business related events.
My two cents.
Saint Paul, MN · Member since 2017 · 5 posts · 3 votes
7y
@Kevin Christensen Can I just say what lovely praise that is for your wife, especially when you aren’t quite agreeing. If you are able to do that with ‘strangers,’ I suspect you’ll come up with a positive compromise, such as suggested by Chris Mason and others, for every X amount of dollars, she gets a portion to do with as she pleases.
Benton City, WA · Member since 2014 · 135 posts · 50 votes
7y
What works on me, is when my hubs shows me the numbers and answers the "Why should we do this?"question. She has a point, we DO have to set asside money to enjoy now, sometimes, anyway. When we were younger we threw EVERYTHING into real estate. Why? So that we could have the freedom we have now that we and our kids are a little older. (My eldest is 14 my littlest is 5.). Little kids do better the less stuff they have, anyway, :-) but I think it's going to be really nice, now that some are tees, to have an RV for long vacations that we can take because we're not as tied down to our 9-5 jobs. (Mine is a 12-1 job, actually, and he gets most of the summer off. Woo hoo stay at home mom status! )(We also live frugally most of the time)--- but if the kids need help with college, I'll have time to help them figure out a feasible plan, and we'll probably have some money to help, too. So that's the "why" for us that worked. If a deal is pretty risky, or doesn't cash flow enough, then it doesn't meet our "why?"question. We'd rather have a little less profits than more stress over real estate. But we DO do deals. I've noticed that a lot of us investors get really talkative about real estate, and frankly, wear our spouses out. (Maybe not you, but definitely I'm guilty!) Sometimes just keeping my mouth shut as much as possible, then showing the numbers and the why, and then shutting my mouth again, works better. (Lol, for me!!!). Sounds like you're a really nice guy, best wishes!!!
Specialist · Sonora, CA · Member since 2017 · 22 posts · 7 votes
7y
Great topic and love your attitude about respecting your wife and her desires. There might be an opportunity to have it both ways. Being intentional about how you spend time as a family is a great way to create memories and there are some fun things you can do as a family and as a couple that doesn't cost that much. I would find some fun, creative ways to make some family memories. It will allow you to work on the same creative muscle you will be using in your investments.
Other fun memories can be working on a project as a family and sharing your investment life with your kids. Molding your kids mindset can have a generational impact that you both can share. Depending on their age you can coach them on how to do ....... that fits within your investment model.
Best of luck and congrats on your first investment.
Flipper/Rehabber · Hawthorne, CA · Member since 2018 · 21 posts · 2 votes
7y
@Kevin Christensen
Improve time your time management skills and use other people’s money. Both require diligence and discipline, and are very necessary to your long-term success in real estate.
Rental Property Investor · St. Louis, MO · Member since 2014 · 741 posts · 424 votes
7y
If I could do it over again, I would listen to my husband. He was not interested in real estate and I forged ahead. He was a terrible business partner. At the time of our divorce, we had nine properties and co-owned everything. We are still entangled because of the loans. So @Kevin Christensen You might have problems.
The key is not to make her invest. You are sharing a path in enjoying a good life, but not the same path.
You have about a decade with the children before they will want to be ignored. Why not enjoy them? Meanwhile, live below your means, keep your credit clean and listen to real estate investment podcasts. Watch HGTV with your spouse and share tidbits from podcasts. Give her time to see the freedom and family wealth that can come from real estate investing. So many good responses here.
And only one spouse needs to be on each loan, just in case.
Morgantown, WV · Member since 2017 · 22 posts · 19 votes
7y
I had the exact same conversations with my wife. It is almost like you and I live the same life. I simply went out and did it anyways. My business partner and I own 2 triplexes and 1 owner finance deal since starting our journey earlier this year. Six months later my wife sees the business bank account and is suddenly on board. She finally gets it now.
FULL DISCLOSURE: I don’t recommend or endorse the approach that I took. Lol
Rental Property Investor · Menomonee Falls, WI · Member since 2018 · 5 posts · 0 votes
7y
@Kevin Christensen
I explain to my long time g.f. that as we get older we will slowly get more cashflow that will allow us to work less hours if we want. Also i always talk about us having a retirement plan since we have no pensions coming and social security is looking dicey for those under 40.
Rental Property Investor · Ft Worth, TX · Member since 2018 · 6 posts · 1 vote
7y
@Kevin Christensen
I took my hubby dreaming,,,we went to a much nicer neighborhood and looked at the model homes, then i sat with him and explained how we could have one,,,you can do the same with Disney Cruises and other expensive family fun,,she has to feel the dream,,then give her short term spurts of fun things to look forward to....if you deliver on the small things she will believe in you and follow your dream for the big things.