Starting Out - Spouse NOT on board. What do I do? HELP!

Huntington, NY · Member since 2018 · 12 posts · 6 votes

7y

@Kevin Christensen Just an idea, make ur investing a family activity. i.e) if you flip houses, bring your wife/kids along.

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Llewelyn A.

Investor / Broker · Brooklyn, NY · Member since 2016 · 665 posts · 1k+ votes

7y

@Kevin Christensen

I have to say a lot of people can't really envision themselves as millionaires.

That was also my wife and she complained about all of the time I spent on building up our wealth.

For every dollar I invested, she complained..... until she realized we became millionaires!

Honestly.... she never thought it was possible!

I have learned 3 important lessons:

1) Don't ignore your wife and

2) Don't ignore your dreams and motivations either

3) Once you made the wealth and she realizes it, that will fix everything! :)

1 Reply

Mark Nickoson

Rental Property Investor · Dayton, OH · Member since 2015 · 79 posts · 85 votes

7y

Kevin,

I'm in the same boat brother... Let me tell you what aggravated the situation. When I bought a property and it took me away from the family for over a year while I did repairs by myself. If your going to be successful, you have to learn to be the manager, not the worker. So whether you can gather a few friends to help, or you have to hire contractors, you've got to get the updates done quickly. Then, I've heard some guests that equate a finished renovation with a vacation. That may help.

Mark

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Jeremy Albers

Realtor · Greensboro · Member since 2018 · 34 posts · 11 votes

7y

I have the same scenario going on now! I got licensed 6 mo ago and have been looking for my best move into RE... I started looking for podcasts and came across BP

Now I’m quoting @David Greene about the BRRRR method, convinced this is my opportunity for the passive income I've been looking for. And looking forward to learning and educating myself every step of the way!

However my wife is having a hard time comprehending the logic of buying a house that we won’t live in. It makes so much sense to me with the number equations, and my market is ripe.

I’ll keep eating up info and building my sphere for a couple months and by then I’m sure I can get her on board and prove this is the right time to act.

Looking forward to reading through these post responses and getting to know you all better.

Signed,

Ready to Crush It

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George Lozada

Member since 2018 · 4 posts · 0 votes

7y

Good evening,

Do not ignore what your wife is feeling it is a legit concern to consider. Take the time to sit down with her and talk to her about what is her worries and what compromises each of you are willing to accept, this could be a specific time to work on your investment, amount of cash that could be spent on investment. I would divide your income into percentage for family recreations, and another percentage for your investment, be it in real estate or what ever other assets you may consider to invest in.

I sit down with my wife every so often and talk to her about real estate, she is not interested in real estate but she is very supportive of my goal and she listens to my ideas for the investments.

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James Allen

Lender · Los Angeles, CA · Member since 2015 · 184 posts · 92 votes

7y

My wife was always a spender. Maxed out credit cards as a young adult, spent her paychecks the minute she got them, you get the point. When we got married, money was one of the biggest things we'd argue about. I wanted to save, she wanted to spend. I realized fast that she's never going to listen to me because I'm her husband and at the time I didn't really have a track record to add credibility.

How did I end up getting her on board? I asked her to read "Rich Dad Poor Dad". After she read that book, it just clicked for her. She had to listen to someone else break it down better than I could ever explain. Since then we've been on the same page and I couldn't have got this far without her.

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Account Closed

New to Real Estate · Houston, TX · Member since 2018 · 1 post · 0 votes

7y

@Kevin Christensen I wish you well brother but I don’t know how religious or spiritual you are but the divine power has placed the responsibility and vision within your power and eyes. It’s not a leaders job to convince, it’s your job to show that it works. The problem with the feminine counterpart is that most of the time it’s an emotional attachment naturally which can be temporary. So we can’t base our decision making off of that, the beginning of family starts with you and ends with you, and you’re making sure your family can experience more financial freedom vs temporary pleasure, what a wise man does in this day and age. Blessings

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Craig Jeppesen

Rental Property Investor · Chubbuck, ID · Member since 2018 · 532 posts · 466 votes

7y

do your monthly budget together and make sure there is room for some of the things she wants to do and then set a number to save each month for investing. She has to agree to this number along with everything else. She probably just wants a say, and if you are like me you probably want to push to invest more of your budget which is unfair to her. Share your goals and progress with her and how and why it is important to you. When she sees this, sees your progress, and that you are not taking too much from the family she will be more on board with time.

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Pat JacksonPro Member

Rental Property Investor · Reno, NV · Member since 2017 · 284 posts · 137 votes

7y

Read “Never Split the Difference” by Chris Voss

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Luciano A.

Developer · Houston TX · Member since 2018 · 423 posts · 400 votes

7y

If you have a local real estate group or local meetup from BiggerPockets in your area then you should take her with you. A buddy has same issue. However, they did not have kids she just wanted to enjoy her money now and not worry about future. Hearing how others held of instant gratification for just a short period in order to set themselves up for a better future. Missing the annual summer trip for one year so you can get into real estate and now that rental can help pay for juniors college might get her to see that this real estate thing might have some worth to it.

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Ryan Spearman

Auckland, New Zealand · Member since 2018 · 80 posts · 36 votes

7y

If you haven’t yet read Richest Man in Babylon, it’s a very simple read. Put aside 10% or your earnings and you will learn to live on 90% as if it is no different. With that 10%, figure out how to invest in real estate. Make it good and make it make money. She will be convinced

1 Reply

Joel OwensBusiness Member

Moderator

Real Estate Broker · Canton, GA · Member since 2010 · 15k+ posts · 11k+ votes

7y

When I was 16 years old I lost my dad in a sudden car wreck, my mom's mom (grandmother), and my best friends dad 3 houses up the street had back pain and found out cancer spread everywhere. We were waiting for him to die in his house that year and my dad suddenly was killed in the car accident and then his dad finally died 3 weeks later. It was a very rough year in my life.

Through all the success I have had I have learned money is just money. I am not one of those in the camp of suffer for 25 years to eventually ….. MAYBE enjoy your life. Having said that many people live WAY above their means. They buy a 75,000 vehicle making 80k a year. If you spend too much of what you make and do not save and invest then you will tend to always be playing catch up. The smart investors slowly raise their lifestyle each and every year in increments based on their net worth, liquidity, and cash flow level positions. Life can be enjoyed but within reason of someone's income levels and circumstances.

It sounds like your wife might FEAR that by taking funds your family enjoys now to invest that they will now live a much tougher and more frugal lifestyle than they are accustomed too. You have to look at your finances and breakeven for monthly costs. Decide what is a necessity and what is a want. The issue trying to get ahead is many Americans make just enough to pay the bills and then have a little jingle in their pocket. When one family member wants to grind for 5,10 or more years to get to a point where that cash flow equals the job or business income the majority of Americans are not willing to do that.

I have lived in poverty before, just getting by, etc. and it's not fun. I learned a skill that makes me annually in the top percentile for earners. You can only cut costs by so much at some point you have to learn how to make much more income to outpace costs of living and inflation.

Example saving 1,000 a month for 10 years is 120,000 but becomes less with inflation. Now over that time if you invest well it can grow to much more than that. In my line of work I can make six figures at one time so bigger chunks of money helps accelerate things.

Just be sure since this is an initial investment that it is very solid before proceeding. The last thing you want is to buy into a marginal property and it does not go as planned and now you have to (feed the beast) monthly. The money for your family to enjoy would now go to propping up a property not giving off cash flow but taking it. That could make the other partner resentful of choices made.

My wife and I have weekly money meetings and we talk and make plans. It takes work to be on the same page with things.

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Christian Hutchinson

Investor · Detroit, MI · Member since 2014 · 360 posts · 354 votes

7y

Originally posted by @Kevin Christensen:

BP,

I am in the education phase right now. I am consuming every drop of information I can via reading, blogs, podcasts, YT, etc. I am ready to move forward with my first property as soon as the first of the year, maybe sooner if we can close within 30 days around Christmas time. My issue is, my spouse is not driven for long term goals like I am. She wants to enjoy our money that we've worked hard for, while our kids are young, and make memories. To her, that is more important than long term wealth. We aren't promised tomorrow. Before anyone clowns about finding a new wife, we've been together almost 18 years and she is my best friend. No amount of money is worth losing her. With that said, have any of you gone through this type of struggle early in your real estate journey and overcome it? I am not worried about getting her involved. I am worried about her being friction in between me and MY goals. She is super supportive of my mindset and my goals, she just doesn't support things that cause time to be taken away from family stuff or money to be hoarded that could be used for memories. I really appreciate everyone's feedback.

If your spouse is not on board with something like this it makes it much tougher. That will cause much stress in your marriage. Then if things go sideways (and they always do in Real Estate) having an all-in partner is ideal.

I'll use my personal situation. My Father is remarried for 17 years. He is the breadwinner, they have no kids together. His Wife retired 6 years ago, he plans to retire Sept 2019. She wanted and has spent her and his money on "experiences", dinners, trips, workshops, etc. Well My Dad took some money from his 401K and has purchased a few properties. We went in on some together. His wife was adamantly opposed. Mind you I handle all the management, she isn't on any mortgages, etc.

Well a few months ago she had a major medical event. She is now unable to clean, cook, drive, etc. Well My Dad took that money from the rental property profits and pays people to help her weekly get those things done. With her major medical event my Dad had a road to Damascus moment with his own mortality and we engaged in an extensive estate planning, medical will, advanced directive. Lets say with this unexpected turn of events that fact his RE Investments are 4x value of original investment, and generating 2500/mo in cashflow. They are really helping him get through this rough time considering his Wife had no cash reserves, long-term care insurance, etc. Also, she took no issue with spending the profits on whatever new shiny object they she saw on TV or at someone's house prior to her medical event.

What I'm basically saying you know your Wife and you think about the future, and how its shaped. Sometimes you have to act unilaterally in the people you love's best interest even before they realize it. I imagine you are really thinking you need some steady income, and some assets of value as you age, and you are considering RE. I would look into a range of financial products too that meet that goal.

2 Reply

Billy Smith

Shawnee Mission, KS · Member since 2016 · 716 posts · 313 votes

7y

My wife was a spender did not understand how the real estate investing would work.

Fact I did not really know for sure how it would work only my work ethic and willingness to put my heart and soul in to it.

We did argue big time about it some marriages may not have survived it but she stuck with me.

We now are enjoying some of the fruit and labor from investing, she is a believer now!

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Jason GottPro Member

Danville, IN · Member since 2017 · 63 posts · 17 votes

7y

Your wife and your family is, or at least should be your main concern, period! When I first started out my wife was also "Skeptical", but she was supportive and she knew I couldn't reach my goals without her on board. So I did whatever I had to, to get her somewhat comfortable.

1. I urged her if she had any questions at all to ask.

2. I walked her through several potential deals before I bought my first one.

3. She gained comfort talking to other investors/mentors.

4. She watched a couple webinars here on biggerpockets.

5. Our first investment was a small, cheap house with minimal work needed.

All of these things helped her gain confidence in real estate and also helped us both to learn, and ask questions the other didn't think of. It's funny because now I come home and say, "I bought two houses today!". She's thrilled! One because she knows I'm living my dream, and two, because she gets to pick paint, carpets, area rugs, and whatever to make it a home for someone.

But never lose focus on the family, at the end of your REI game they will still be there. A house is just a house without a family. Best of Luck!

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Jason GottPro Member

Danville, IN · Member since 2017 · 63 posts · 17 votes

7y

One more thing.

Make it a family thing! Everyone should be involved. Your kids will learn valuable lessons, and you'll always have new experiences with your wife because every house is different.

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Karen M.

Hales Corners, WI · Member since 2013 · 229 posts · 80 votes

7y

I think it's important to talk more with your wife to define your shared priorities. What is important to her? Does she want a family vacation every year and a weekly or monthly date night? (All of those things can be had on variable budgets.) Does she want professional family photos? Does she want to celebrate holidays in certain ways? Does she want certain experiences for your kids, like dance lessons, music or club sports? Try to understand her desires so you can make sure that both of you can commit to a plan for "making memories".

With the real estate investing, I decided after talks with my husband to pass on RE and pursue other forms of investing. That worked for us, and I prioritize my marriage and kids as my most important investment of all.

But you have a lot of great advice here from successful RE investors. This is a fantastic topic and I wish you great success.

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Brenton Way

Rental Property Investor · Mechanicsburg, PA · Member since 2017 · 47 posts · 27 votes

7y

I didn't read all of the posts so I apologize if this was already said. When I was getting started in the beginning of 2017 my wife wasn't completely on board with me investing in real estate. She is pretty frugal but she is very risk averse and the unknown of being a landlord scared her. I heard on one of the podcasts that a guy takes his family on vacation for every for every 5th (I think) transaction. He also mentioned having a Lamborghini so he was obviously doing pretty well for himself. I didn't think I could pull off every 5th transaction but I told my wife that we would take a family vacation anywhere in the lower 48 for every 10th transaction and then anywhere in the world for every 50th transaction. I bought my first rental property in September 2017 and just over a year later I have 7 units, 1 flip completed, and two flips in progress. Time to plan our first trip!

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John Tan

Investor · san marcos, CA · Member since 2014 · 37 posts · 12 votes

7y

Now is not a great time to jump in, valuation is high by most metrics. I would make her a deal, let her spend some of the funds but set aside the rest so you can get in at the next recession.

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Douglas Middleton

Rental Property Investor · Raleigh NC · Member since 2016 · 21 posts · 11 votes

7y

Once upon a time (not that long ago..) I saved 20k to buy a car that I wanted really bad! When I told my realtor/investor friend about the car I was buying and how excited I was, he said to me why don't you invest that money in a $100k rental property and use the monthly proceeds from it to finance your car purchase? That way you won't lose your 20k, you will have money to buy your car and you will have an asset that will appreciate over time and pay you handsomely in passive income for many years to come. Well, I took that advice and invested in a simple 3 bed/1 bth foreclosure property in San Bernardino CA, that after turning it into a rental, allowed me to buy my car (okay I had to finance it), put in a pool at my family home a few years later, and ultimately allowed me to invest in another rental property that made me more than $150k in appreciation and cash flows $400.00 per month in 4 years time . I tell you, the memories that we made as a family over 1 decade (I had two small children at the time) from just that one investment are immeasurable and would not have been possible if it were not for our resolve to invest our savings rather than spend it for immediate gratification. The best part is I still have that nice little rental in CA and it values at close to 300k from a 96k "all in" purchase in 2006 and cash flows at $120.00 today with 180k mortgage that somebody else pays for me. Trust me...you will make great memories. Now the kicker is I handled these investments all wrong from a portfolio building perspective, as I did not invest the money from the rental as aggressively as I could have and thus did not build the kind of wealth I could have. Instead I used a lot of the money I pulled from the equity build up to... well... make family memories by spending that money on things that brought me and my family great joy! I wouldn't change a thing. Keep working on showing the love of your life all the possibilities that can and will come from smart and practical real estate investing. Incidentally, my son now owns the car I bought over a decade ago and drives it daily. Good luck on your journey!

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Dina Morgan

Flipper · Saint Charles, MO · Member since 2016 · 8 posts · 1 vote

7y

@Chris Mason Have you ever played cash flow 101? It helps people realize what they could have if they are in real estate investing? Have you and your spouse read any of the Robert Kiyosaki books? Start with Rich Dad Poor Dad. It sounds like your wife has the poor mind frame and you have the rich mind frame. Maybe the book will install that mind frame into her. You can listen to the audio version on YouTube. Just listen to maybe 20 minutes a day or something.

1 Reply

Debra Fisher

Winter Springs, FL · Member since 2018 · 1 post · 0 votes

7y

I’m in the same boat as you. My spouse isn’t on board with me either. I’m a real estate agent in Fl. Maybe we can partner on the first couple of deals.

Debra Fisher

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Jay HinrichsBusiness Member

Real Estate Consultant · Summerlin, NV · Member since 2014 · 45k+ posts · 66k+ votes

7y

Maybe you just invest passively with small money like the crowdfunders who accept non accredited investors and very small investment like 100 bucks or something.. just to see how it goes.

real estate is hard its tough.. its not easy and it can be quite stressful.. not everyone is cut out to do what 95% of the folks on BP do and that is be a landlord..

Keep in mind landlords fail all the time.. that's were the sharper landlords pick up their deals.. from failed landlords.

so unless you really know what you want and are committed as a team Your wife is best left doing what she wants.

and there is nothing wrong with stopping to smell the roses along the way.

you don't want to be a miser and then have a bad life event and never have had any cool life experiences.. to me those are as important as investing.. we live in the Jet age.. if we don't partake in it.. seems kind of sad.

what used to be the province of multi millionaires anyone can fly across the world for under 1000 dollars and get those cool cultural experiences..

so just a little different perspective than all the posts that say she is nuts and you got to talk her into it one way or the other. LOL good luck

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Joe Tomko

Specialist · Easton, PA · Member since 2018 · 136 posts · 48 votes

7y

Kevin, I'm sorry you are going through this as well. We all change over time. I've always wanted to work for myself, but never new anyone who owned a business and never knew anyone who could guide me. After several years of marriage, a discussion with friends enlightened me which led me down a rabbit hole where one thing led to another and led me toward achieving that dream.

My wife was never supportive of my real estate business as she never thought that way and thinks a job and a 401(k) are "safe." We agreed that we didn't have money to put toward my business. I then rolled an old 401(k) into a self directed IRA and began to invest in my IRA. I then decided to take some of the profits from my IRA out, paid the IRS the penalty, and used it to start my business. This way, it was not "our" money, but "my" money.

As I moved forward with my business, she eventually came to realize that this is not just a flash in the pan, but rather something I am very serious about. I wouldn't yet say she is supportive yet, but at least she isn't against what I'm doing now. It has been four years now. When my business grows to the point where it begins to pay for vacations and other things, I'm sure she'll then be fully supportive. It was frustrating for awhile, but is much better now.

I applaud you for not trading any amount of money for your wife. See if what I did would work for you. Talk to her and let her know exactly what you are doing. I hope you can get on the same page with her.

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Alexander McMichael

Member since 2018 · 5 posts · 2 votes

7y

Tell her the reason you want to invest in real estate is because you want to spend time with the family and make memories. Once you have enough investment properties you’ll be able to work a “4 hour work week” and spend nearly all the time in the world with your kids and your family with enough money to do fun things like take lavish vacations or go to Disney world and so on.

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Starting Out - Spouse NOT on board. What do I do? HELP!

Starting Out - Spouse NOT on board. What do I do? HELP!

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