Starting Out - Spouse NOT on board. What do I do? HELP!

Starting Out - Spouse NOT on board. What do I do? HELP!

Kevin Christensen

Rental Property Investor · Delaware, USA · Member since 2018 · 43 posts · 48 votes

BP,

I am in the education phase right now. I am consuming every drop of information I can via reading, blogs, podcasts, YT, etc. I am ready to move forward with my first property as soon as the first of the year, maybe sooner if we can close within 30 days around Christmas time. My issue is, my spouse is not driven for long term goals like I am. She wants to enjoy our money that we've worked hard for, while our kids are young, and make memories. To her, that is more important than long term wealth. We aren't promised tomorrow. Before anyone clowns about finding a new wife, we've been together almost 18 years and she is my best friend. No amount of money is worth losing her. With that said, have any of you gone through this type of struggle early in your real estate journey and overcome it? I am not worried about getting her involved. I am worried about her being friction in between me and MY goals. She is super supportive of my mindset and my goals, she just doesn't support things that cause time to be taken away from family stuff or money to be hoarded that could be used for memories. I really appreciate everyone's feedback.

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Ned CareyPro Member

Moderator

Investor · Baltimore, MD · Member since 2008 · 17k+ posts · 13k+ votes

7y

@Kevin Christensen ask her “Do you want less today or more tomorrow” That is the choice she is making. You don’t have to spend money today to enjoy today. There is no requirement to spend money in order to spend more time with your kids.

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Jason Ray Richardson
Rental Property Investor · Brookhaven, MS · Member since 2017 · 186 posts · 108 votes
7y
I had a similar situation when I got started. I wanted to buy a house to flip and I sold my wife on what the house could look like. So good in fact that she said she wanted to move in that house. So part of the compromise would be that she would be ok with me continuing to purchase more rentals. Maybe your compromise isn't buying a house, but it could be something else or selling her on how real estate investing will help her reach the goals of more family time
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Kristopher HanksPro Member
Rental Property Investor · Davenport, FL · Member since 2016 · 593 posts · 382 votes
7y
@Kevin Christensen
I want to echo, go passive, with small amounts and show her over time that real estate investing can be profitable and make a better life for better memories with your family. Start with Groundfloor, Fundrise, and Rich Uncles are just suggestions of mine. My company uses these services and we have made good returns on our investments. We will then use proceeds to pay cash for new rental properties. Look into them and see if they are a good fit for you.
1 Reply
Account Closed
Rental Property Investor · Jacksonville, Florida Area · Member since 2016 · 106 posts · 48 votes
7y
@Kevin Christensen Maybe you can do some of the things that she really likes, in exchange for listening to a podcast with you on a regular basis? The podcasts could spark her interest. Focus on what she likes, and make a deal with her!
0 Reply
Marc Winter
Real Estate Broker · Northeast PA · Member since 2017 · 2k+ posts · 2k+ votes
7y
You might look for a 'none of your own money' purchase.
0 Reply
Andrew Holdaway
New to Real Estate · Tempe, AZ · Member since 2018 · 1 post · 0 votes
7y
@Kevin Christensen be eachothers yin and yang . You know what she wants , so don’t ever lose sight of that. You want to try this something new , so don’t let her hold you back. You guys could figure it out
0 Reply
Katie P.
Real Estate Agent · Oakland, CA · Member since 2016 · 123 posts · 77 votes
7y
@Kevin Christensen maybe it's already been suggested, but bring her to networking events/Meetups where she is likely to meet other women RE investors? Introduce podcasts, like Kathy Fettke (Real Wealth Network)?
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David Oldenburg
Lender · Granite Bay, CA · Member since 2014 · 456 posts · 454 votes
7y
@Kevin Christensen I lead a big REI group and hear this a lot! The great thing about real estate investing is that you can invest, partner, etc... without having to spend a lot of money. In other words, you can do some investing and continue learning and also enjoy your wife and your family.
While it does sometimes take money to make money, I consistently see that those with zero money come into my group and build wealth easily. They usually start with wholesaling to learn and begin doing a few deals and making a little money. Later, they do more investing with their own capital.
Here is what usually happens in a marriage. Once your wife sees some success (profit and money!) she will begin to warm up to what you are doing. This is kinda funny, but my wife still is convinced I am going to lose money on every flip, wholetail deal and wholesale deal! The fact is I have NEVER lost any money on any deals I have done. We are just two different people with 2 different ways of looking at investing.
You are doing the right thing by learning and spending time learning!
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Clarence Watkins
Rental Property Investor · Chicago, IL · Member since 2018 · 34 posts · 5 votes
7y
@Matthew McNeil Wow!
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James Ma
Burnaby, BC · Member since 2017 · 282 posts · 268 votes
7y
There's no wrong answer to whether investing is better or spending to enjoy life now - it really is a matter a personal values. Some people will give up a rich life to be able to take a couple of vacations each year and not work long hours.
Sounds like she's not necessarily supportive of you working towards your goals cause to be honest any goal you work on and are committed to is going to have to take time away from family but that doesnt meant that you still cant spend a bit of time with them after work.
I think the only way this can get resolved well is to have a talk with her about how the two of you can develop a plan together (compromising essentially) so that you can invest in real estate but still be able to go on trips (which I assume is her talk of "memories"). Investing in real estate doesnt have to mean you put away every dollar into investments - you can still take trips each year. Discuss how much the two of you want to set aside each year for purely making memories
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Gwyeth Smith
Rental Property Investor · Huntington, NY · Member since 2016 · 102 posts · 74 votes
7y
@Kevin Christensen I was in a very similar boat to where you are now. The number of responses you've gotten here are impressive and although I was not able to read all of them, I am so impressed with those I have. It's a testament to the BP community.
I will try to keep this concise. I wanted my wife to support my REI aspirations and when I encountered friction on this initially, I got "prickly." This ultimately caused some friction. I came to realize that there were certain things she wanted from me (i.e. words of affirmation) that I wasn't providing enough of. We spoke honestly about the things that we wanted from each other and in the end she was/is very supportive of my investing and the time it requires.
It's probably worth referencing the Go Giver here. Call it compromise, give and take, or whatever. In my situation she got on board and very supportive when we both realized what we could do for each other to strengthen our relationship.
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Milena S.
Windsor, Ontario · Member since 2018 · 30 posts · 11 votes
7y
You and your wife both have understandable arguments, and compromise is key. I would tell her something along the lines of "If we spend some time and money today, we can multiply both of those factors in the future through real estate." You'll have more time AND money for your children and grandchildren.
Also try to find things that create memories, but don't cost money. You don't have to go to Disneyland to have a good time with your family. Play a board game, cook together, play catch outside. etc. etc. I would also maybe tell her some interesting things you learned about real estate so as to lessen any fear she might have that could be holding her back.
Good luck to both of you!
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Rachel Luoto
Lake Oswego, OR · Member since 2015 · 174 posts · 115 votes
7y
I’m 1/2 if the only young couple at our local REIA, and some of the men at our last meet up shared with me the same problem you’ve got! My advice to them was: hire a sitter, take your wife to the REIA with you. She might feel more motivated after meeting real people who are enjoying real substantial wealth from real estate! Sometimes you have to hear the same message from a different mouth for it to click :)
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Sam Shueh
Real Estate Agent · Cupertino, CA · Member since 2016 · 4k+ posts · 1k+ votes
7y
Promise her you will not sacrifice your agreed quality of life with an investment property. Work out the numbers.
There are safer and less hectic methods to invest. When I mention 20% annual appreciation in west coast (Silicon Valley) a financial planner, two other CPAs all felt they can do better with less emotion and pains attached.
Our area has close to zero appreciation vs 1 year ago. It had steep appreciation enjoyed year after year for 6+ years. My expectation is the local home prices will be flat in 2019 also with full employment.
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Cheryl Vargas
Rental Property Investor · Rohnert Park, CA · Member since 2014 · 306 posts · 160 votes
7y
@Thayne Parkinson I was thinking along the same lines as you mentioned- use other people’s money. And I’m surprised that you were the first person to mention that. THEN THERE WONT BE A LACK OF FINANCIAL RESOURCES AVAILABLE TO HAVE FAMILY TIME. (SORRY, THERE IS A GLITCH ON MY MOBILE APP)!! THEN IF YOU BUY A TURNKEY PROPERTY THAT CASH FLOWS, YOU WONT BE SPENDING TONS OF TIME TO FIX IT UP. THEN WHEN THE MONEY STARTS COMING IN, YOIR WIFE WILL SEE THE BENEFITS OF PASSIVE INCOME ALSO, DO SOME CALCULATIONS ON HOW MUCH $ YOU WILL NEED TO LIVE FROM 65 YEARS OLD UNTIL 90 YEARS OLD. FOR ME I’LL HAVE TO SAVE $2 MILLION IN ORDER TO HAVE ENOUGH TO LIVE AFTER I RETIRE UNTIL I‘M 90 YEARS OLD. BEST WAY TO HAvE THAT $ IS WITH RENTAL INCoME!! @Kevin ChrIstensen
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Drew Brown
Property Manager · Lansing, MI · Member since 2015 · 170 posts · 59 votes
7y
@Sam Shueh my wife is not on board either, but she is on board about not being on board and not having to do anything with it. This is an option, but it’s always nice to maybe throw her a bone every once and awhile. There was an episode on here where the investor would get gifts for his wife from a flip or from a good month of management. This is also an option that may help a sour situation a bit more sweet for your significant other!
1 Reply
John G.Pro Member
Rental Property Investor · Brainerd, MN · Member since 2015 · 72 posts · 42 votes
7y
@Kevin Christensen my wife was the same way. 8yrs ago she was way against it. I knew it was what we needed to do and bought it anyways, even used the emergency fund as our down money. BUT, I knew my numbers well on the deal. Moral of the story we r still married and r up to 22 units and she now helps....and enjoys the cash flow. Which is way higher than if we would have spent our savings and enjoyed life as we went. She now understands the definition of early retirement and realizes we can travel anywhere and we are still in our thirties.
GO FOR IT!!!! Good luck!
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Blake Van Ness
Bakersfield, CA · Member since 2016 · 13 posts · 4 votes
7y
@Kevin Christensen im no relationship expert but id say just to let her know how important this is to you and if there is anyway to meet in the middle. You dont have to spend money to make memories maybe buy a board game instead of going to the movies buy a ball and go to the park. Pull the mattress out and watch a movie. Instead of going out to eat make something together. At the end of the day its going to benifit you two and the kids and set them up later in life.
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Johnny Lau
Investor · San Jose, CA · Member since 2015 · 89 posts · 46 votes
7y
Happy wife happy life.
With that said, passive income makes me and my wife very happy!
Not being totally dependent on your W-2 income and being able to live off your rentals is security nothing can match. Making money while you sleep and wake up with more in the bank....so nice.
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Angelo Mart
Professional · Parsippany, NJ · Member since 2013 · 384 posts · 262 votes
7y
That's a tough one and it depends on what your end goal is. She wants to enjoy the money that you worked hard for, while your kids are young, and make memories. To her, that is more important than long term wealth which I completely understand. However, if you are a small business owner like me in the USA right now I would not hesitate a minute to invest in real estate. I have no real retirement. My IRA pays garbage and made no money in years. I know roofers that are 65 years old with multiple knee replacements that wish they invested at an earlier age. I don't know what you do for a living but it plays a huge factor. Sometimes you have to sacrifice certain things in life to win your end goal. If not you will live the average way just like Grant Cardone said. I am bout to have a child and thought the benifits real estate investment will bring down the road versus spending money on unnecessary things today. My wife and I almost liquidated our life savings to buy a townhouse right after our marriage. God sent me a sign and I decided to RENT the same unit for $700 less a month versus a PITI and HOA of $3,000 month with 10% down. Society and peers all consider purchasing your home the right thing to do which is ********. Now the savings is set aside for real estate investment and I'm saving 700 month as most of that payment to purchase did not pay down principle. Moral of the story is our dream of home ownership was abolished due to my drive to invest in real estate. But you must learn the hell out of your investment market in and out. You need to know it like that back of your hand and concentrate if you are serious
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Steve C.
Las Vegas, NV · Member since 2017 · 89 posts · 52 votes
7y
One thing my wife & I do is save a portion of each of our individual income.. Hers goes toward vacations. Mine goes entirely to investing. I get to enjoy the vacations with her now & she'll get to enjoy retirement with me later. Now that she's seeing results from my investing, I've convinced her to take vacations every other year, and I'll separately invest her other year's savings until the point it throws off enough to vacation every year. That way we'll eventually be retired & still enjoy traveling the world with our family. Best of luck brother, you'll find a way.
1 Reply
James Yang
Rental Property Investor · Spartanburg, SC · Member since 2015 · 14 posts · 3 votes
7y
You can try sitting down and showing the math of real estate to her on paper on a deal or make up a real life example so maybe the idea of investing in real estate will be appealing to her.
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Jeff Ronningen
Investor · Cincinnati, OH · Member since 2015 · 242 posts · 182 votes
7y
@Kevin Christensen. When I met my wife I owned 2 fourplexes. I made some bad decisions not screening tenants. A tenant torched one of the buildings. I mean poured gas on the bed, lit it, and left. This was 6 days before our wedding. My wife (fiancé at the time) and I were living in the building on the floor above the fire. There was extensive damage. We were homeless on wedding day. Got married, went on our honeymoon, came back, took the insurance money and sold it as is for a small loss. Obviously my wife wasn’t thrilled about real estate investing after this episode. We’re really not on the same page about money. When it comes to managing our finances, I earned her trust and she leaves it to me. We talk about it when needed. For real estate, after being out of it a few years I jumped back in. When she saw that it was working and it was good she warmed up to it. So my advice is make it work, don’t burden her with real estate problems, and win her over. Do both, make her happy, don’t detract from family stuff, and find a way to be successful.
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Mark Sewell
Investor · Houston, TX · Member since 2017 · 1k+ posts · 871 votes
7y
I've gone through the struggle, but haven't yet overcome it. Key word is not yet. I will.
I lost a good bit of coin on my first flip, so that hasn't helped the cause.
For me, only positive results will change her view. She'll get on board when she sees the dead presidents start to accumulate, and not before.
So I guess I need to go through and read all these responses, because I'm no different than you.
One thought -- see if you can do a deal within a self directed IRA on your first one. That is money that you probably aren't planning to use to take the kids to Florida, for one. And it is easy to quantify the accounting -- what you earned, or how much you lost. Once she sees it working, then it won't be a tough sell at all.
Just don't quit if you lose a bit on the first one. That is your tuition. You don't lose that money if you don't put the experience to work to earn it back.
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Brian Bradley
Attorney · Wilsonville, OR · Member since 2017 · 504 posts · 411 votes
7y
@Kevin Christensen Take your wife along the educational path with you have her start by reading or getting the audio book Rich dad poor dad and the richest man in Babylon start at the foundation with her
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Kelvin Vinston
New to Real Estate · Tacoma, WA · Member since 2018 · 34 posts · 6 votes
7y
@Kevin Christensen Man I thought I was the only one going through this bro smh... I been married for 7 years, however I’m seeking long term wealth she’s living for the present. Idk what’s going to happen once I get back to the states but somethings gotta give. We have kids and I refuse to not have them set up for success.
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