Spouse Not on Board?
Radford, VA · Member since 2016 · 75 posts · 19 votes
I'm new to BP and am venturing into buy and hold REI with a skeptical spouse. He supports me using my inheritance funds for investing, but chooses not to participate himself because he lacks confidence in and understanding of RE investing. I've asked him to read some good books with me on the topic, but he's just not interested. I'm thinking that he'll come around after I complete a deal successfully and he sees that it's profitable.
Has anyone on BP ever faced similar challenges with your spouse? If so, how did you handle it?
Sure would appreciate some advice here. Thanks!
@Karen Harris Karen, if you do decide to move forward without the complete support of your spouse, you might run into more problems in your relationship than it's worth. While the income would be nice, I would wait until you got him on board. When you invest in real estate, you sign up for all the problems that come with it as well. If your spouse isn't voluntarily signing up for it with you, and some of those problems become his problems indirectly (whether it be actually dealing with the problems, your absence, etc.), it could put a very large strain on your relationship. You would then be trading happiness for money, something I don't think any of us would advise.
On the flip side of the coin, if this is something that you're passionate about, and will bring you fulfillment, then you cannot let your spouse stop you. He is currently making the choice to not dive into it with you. Be mindful that you are not pushing him into it. Rather, you should be pulling him into it by leading. Ask him what his goals are, how you can help him get there, and if he will help you do the same thing.
I hope showing both sides of the argument is helpful; I don't think people telling you what to do is productive.
Kenny Reimer
I'm in the same boat. My wife doesn't mind using the extra income from our rental property, and she doesn't seem to care about me buying more as long as I'm not making life difficult for her. That said, she has little to no desire to actually help. I keep telling her she could make a lot more money helping me do more real estate transactions and it would take her less time, but she'd rather do some $15/hr job... I just move forward on my own.
Another thing, in my situation, which I think will help, is switching to a property manager to remove the "hassle" part. we'll "lose" even more per month, but that is countered by showing that by going in with an investment mentality, we won't actually lose money even by leveraging property management services. Ultimately, shes ok with whatever I do, but I am not planning to just blaze ahead until I have her on board.
I agree with you, Josh, and that's what I plan to do. But I wonder how sound his solutions or advice could be if he doesn't first educate himself in REI?
Sorry that it came to that for you, Ruth. Thanks for the encouragement! Wish you the best!
Thanks for the encouragement, Shawn! I must say that the feedback I’ve received in this forum has really helped to fine-tune my instincts.
Ethan, thanks for your good advice! You suggested that I hire a pro to work with who will know if the numbers make sense. Who would that be, and how would I find that person? Some of my investor friends have given me great insights. My financial advisor has offered to help me analyze deals. I’ve found a couple of property managers (though I’m not sure how to determine how great they are), and I’ve had investor friends and family members over for dinner. I like your suggestion of working along side someone so I can learn from them. Hadn’t thought of that! Appreciate your input!
I think you’re right, Andrew – I need to get inside of his head and figure out what his main concerns are. He’s made it pretty clear that he doesn’t like the idea of being a landlord to bad tenants. In his mind, he associates buy and hold properties with having to deal with bad tenants who won’t take good care of the property. Though I’ve mentioned to him that proper vetting and having a good property manager could help prevent that, he still holds this negative image in his mind. So at this point, I’m starting to consider flips more seriously.
You've made a great point: "Address the main concerns with your strategy." Fortunately, there are many available options with REI. I hope you find one that works well for you and your wife! Wish you the best!
I hear you, Augustine! Hopefully she’ll come around as she keeps seeing that extra income from your rental properties roll in. I wish you well!
Joseph, I really like the idea of using a good property manager! I plan to do that as well. Most require 10-15%, but if you work your numbers right it might still allow you good cash-flow. Having your wife onboard is a definite plus! Wish you the best!
I’d like to thank everyone who has contributed to this discussion thread! Your input has helped me to realize that I’m not alone in this, and that by itself has been an encouragement! You’ve caused me to think through some things and helped me to gain wisdom in approaching my reluctant spouse. So often we hear the “success” stories, but don’t hear about the process and the pain it took to get there. Thanks for taking the time to share yours! Godspeed!
Karen, I've had good deals and bad. I'd say my first property was a success, but the next two were failures - if you go strictly by a monetary standpoint. Granted, this was during a housing crash that I, nor most others predicted. I think you have to be prepared for your first deal to go either way and have contingencies in place.
Hello Karen. I tried being a landlord m,any years ago and It was a horror story. The odd and costly repairs, The mean spirited tenants and they were professionals, not from across the tracks by the river, snow removals, parking in unrealistic places, they adopted dogs that caused disturbances and turds, Just to name a few. Then late rent and they took in a brother. There were diminished returns. Then I tried flipping and I was way more successful without the aggravation and 90 day ROI. I have no idea who would want to become a landlord. I hope you and your husband are successful as well with this simpler trick.
@Karen Harris Glad your taking some things away from the discussion. An open mind always helps when making big decisions like this. But I'm a firm believer in trusting the gut. Persist and you will WIN!!!
Jason, I so agree with you about having contingencies in place because though we hope, work, and plan for the best, we don't know how things will work out for certain - especially with the first deal since it's a learning process. Sorry you had those failures during the housing crash, but at least you've learned lessons you'll probably never forget. Thanks for passing them on to newbies like me!
That really was a horror story, Sid, and I'm sorry you had to go through that! This is the negative image that my husband seems to hold in his mind about rental properties and being a landlord. I'm definitely thinking more seriously about flipping now, at least in the beginning. Thanks!
Thanks, Shawn! I believe that.
Karen, Good luck on your quest
@Karen Harris - similar sitch, here, only no inheritance. It's frustrating to not be on the same page, especially when I find what look like good, cashflowing deals, and I compile analyses that show that REI is (almost) a sure thing (with all the caveats, of course).
@Brett C. - I'd love to see the layout of your spreadsheet. Some spouses are very analytical and those who are risk-avers may need to see numbers, rather than hear anecdotal evidence.
@Michaela G. - You rock. I work at a family law firm so I can be a little jaded sometimes (although, I've been married just about 24 years). One of my knee-jerk thoughts at the original post was this: Inheritances are considered *non-marital* (separate) property in many (most?) states, while earned income is marital (joint). Income that is derived from inheritances/other non-marital funds can also be considered non-marital. (caveat: I am a paralegal, not an attorney, and I cannot give legal advice). I hate that my mind thinks in such a jaded manner, but I see a lot of crappy things that people do to each other. OTOH, it's not really jaded to be intelligent about financial decisions, particularly where the co-mingling of funds is concerned.
@Alex Pyle: I'm of the same mindset re: 401(k).. I'd rather start investing those $$ into RE for more cashflow.
Great dialog, folks.
He doesn't need to be involved if he's not interest,
@Karen Harris try changing your original question by inserting other jobs.
"I'm a nuclear physicist and my husband doesn't understand my job or want to understand it. Should I quit being a nuclear physicist?"
"I'm a oncologist and my husband doesn't understand my job or want to understand it. Should I quit being an oncologist?"
"I'm a romance novelist who also plays cello in the state orchestra, and my husband doesn't like romance novels or classical music. Should I quit both?"
We can all agree that we would all say a spouse who considered quitting her job as a nuclear physicist simply because her husband didn't like algebra would be a completely inane idea. The same is true with REI. The answer is not to quit. The solution is to forge ahead without asking for his help, which is probably what he's saying anyway -- that he's not personally interested and doesn't want to spend his efforts on that front. Fine. You do that, and let him pursue his own goals.
Good luck.
I’m glad I ran across this thread because I’m going through the exact same thing with my husband. He is just not interested. I do have a job but I want to work less and have more passive income.
Did you ever pursue it? How are things going now?