Radford, VA · Member since 2016 · 75 posts · 19 votes
I'm new to BP and am venturing into buy and hold REI with a skeptical spouse. He supports me using my inheritance funds for investing, but chooses not to participate himself because he lacks confidence in and understanding of RE investing. I've asked him to read some good books with me on the topic, but he's just not interested. I'm thinking that he'll come around after I complete a deal successfully and he sees that it's profitable.
Has anyone on BP ever faced similar challenges with your spouse? If so, how did you handle it?
@Karen Harris Karen, if you do decide to move forward without the complete support of your spouse, you might run into more problems in your relationship than it's worth. While the income would be nice, I would wait until you got him on board. When you invest in real estate, you sign up for all the problems that come with it as well. If your spouse isn't voluntarily signing up for it with you, and some of those problems become his problems indirectly (whether it be actually dealing with the problems, your absence, etc.), it could put a very large strain on your relationship. You would then be trading happiness for money, something I don't think any of us would advise.
On the flip side of the coin, if this is something that you're passionate about, and will bring you fulfillment, then you cannot let your spouse stop you. He is currently making the choice to not dive into it with you. Be mindful that you are not pushing him into it. Rather, you should be pulling him into it by leading. Ask him what his goals are, how you can help him get there, and if he will help you do the same thing.
I hope showing both sides of the argument is helpful; I don't think people telling you what to do is productive.
My wife is completely supportive and totally uninterested. It took me some time to get used to being wholly involved in a project and not being able to share the details. HOWEVER, once I got past the initial disappointment, it's actually been pretty good. She's happy for me, and accepts the hours I dedicate to the task, but doesn't second guess any decision I make, because she has no knowledge or interest in the topic. I've found friends at the REIA meetings to talk real estate. It's actually quiet nice. Best of luck going forward!
I came across that myself. I don't worry about his involvement anymore. I just came to realize that its what I do for a living. No different than a job or a hobby I take seriously. I take care of everything as if its my job, because it is.
Having a really great carpenter who helps me with everything has been the best thing for me in reality, we have become partners on our projects.
Spouses don't always want to get involved in areas they aren't comfortable with. If your spouse has a regular job that supports the household, don't let that go, its very valuable.
Women get too worried about their husbands involvement.
I am a Realtor and property manager. We had some investment properties but when I decided to ramp up my business and portfolio my husband went into panic mode. We have been married 18 years and do keep our finances separate. He has his own business and I have mine. I think he had a mix of "will this work" and wanted to be included. But after a few months he saw how well I was doing he said "can you now find me a property". And I hear him all the time telling his friends how great I am doing. I give him updates but still keep it separate. Actually, as I sit here writing this, he is now adding Bigger Pockets to his phone. Lol.
I have an even worse scenario. We are accidental landlords, as we just had to move, and our old house was triple wammied by circumstances and is under water (and can't be refinanced). So, we have a renter (used to rent 2 doors over), and we loose a few hundred $ a month on the property. If we could refinance it, we could possibly break even, maybe. On top of that we have a good, long time renter, except for he has become unreliable on timely rent. The neighborhood has become such that we're better off with him in, than kicking him out and hoping to get a better renter in. Sigh, so, long story short. our one "investment" property is a hassle for us to "only" lose $200 a month on....
I have just been slowly working on her while I look for a really good deal. I am also committed to staying to better neighborhoods for the first one/few if I can find them. I am hoping when I finally get that first deal lined up, I'll have her, at least tentatively, on board. We'll see.
I understand your situation. My husband also does not want to be involved. When I met him I owned two duplexes in Denver , which completely financially supported me. When we decided to get married we needed to move to NJ for his job. I agreed to sell my homes and step out of the business ( he also did not want me involved in NJ due to the cost). Now he is retiring and we are moving to Myrtle Beach. I am planning on jumping back in to the Investing world again. He is not happy but I feel I have supported him all these years and now I want to do my passion. He says ok but I know he wishes I won't. Not fair is what I say to anyone who is not doing what they dream of to please someone else. I am going forward ! Hope he is happier when he sees the money rolling in !
My wife was apprehensive initially. I proposed she help me with the businesses and she didn't want to at first. I kept at it myself and made it clear that I was not just 'kicking the tires' and eventually she became more interested. Now she is fully on board and we have talked about her getting her RE license and maybe having a side business in interior design or staging. I think the three most important pieces are demonstrating how important it is to you, showing that you are serious and are taking active measures to be successful, and possibly tying it into your spouses interests somehow. He may not understand RE investing but maybe there is some benefit for him that would get him on board. Good luck!
In my experience in marriage and from being the "fly by the seat of my pants" kind of person, I have found that when my wife isn't fully supportive its usually because she isn't fully informed, which is my fault. Maybe this isn't the case for you, but maybe the hesitation is because he doesn't fully understand your motivation is for jumping into REI. Try to show him how REI can help you spend more time on the thing you're passionate about and then help him see that you'd like him to join you in that. If you target his passions and help him see how they are possible then maybe he'll be more receptive. Make sure you've communicated well in your endeavor.
My wife was very hesitant with REI at first. There was a season where conflicts arose more often than normal and I realized that it was because she didn't feel like we were on the same team because I was just doing my thing in REI and I just assumed that she saw my vision. She didn't. Healthy marriage is much more important than REI. Hope this helps!
I've got my spouse reading "Rich Dad Poor Dad" right now. She's always read fiction and I can tell it's a struggle. It's been many conversations around the financial aspect of it and also the future benefits. As long as I'm not emptying our savings she's on board and when we reach probably 10doors she'll most likely become more involved.
Michael, I agree that keeping our spouses involved in our RE learning process would be a great thing. But we can do this only to the degree that they let us. If they start to show signs of resentment, impatience, “zoning out”, etc., I think we need to back off!
Also, an awareness of and sensitivity to our spouses' situations, personalities, likes, and dislikes may be helpful. For example, since my husband is constantly required to read a lot of books and journals related to his profession, my pushing REI books his way probably wouldn't be an effective approach. But since he also likes to watch videos and movies, perhaps sending him video clips on REI occasionally would catch his interest. (Hmmm…I think a "light bulb" just went off for me here…)
I believe you’re right that really we can’t convince anyone. They must become convinced in their own hearts and minds, and it’s a process. But with gentleness, patience, and understanding, we can do certain things to help them get there.
I've actually considered wholesaling, Ian. Bought bandit signs, etc. But when I considered our area more carefully I came to the conclusion that the market just isn't very conducive. I think I'll look into the wholesaling forums on BP though, and perhaps reconsider. Thanks!
I’m glad you were able to get past the initial disappointment and that it’s working for you, Robert!
As I’ve read this discussion thread, it seems that it’s easier for many men to push forward without full spousal support than it is for many women. Perhaps it’s because men have a “hunter” instinct and can just “go after it”, while women are more “social/relational” and for them a fully connected relationship takes priority over achievement? I don’t know, but it’s interesting. I wish that somehow I could morph and become a conglomeration of the two! Or are they mutually exclusive?
I can see how going it alone would definitely have the benefit of not having someone around to second-guess your decisions. But it's good that you can talk with your REIA and BP friends. Thanks for your post!
That’s great, Michelle! I love that your success caused your husband to go from “panic mode” to “find me a property”. And to hear him tell your friends how great you’re doing must be a reward in itself. Congratulations!
Thank you yes it is! I have also been a firm believer all my life in having my own purchasing power separate from a spouse. I have seen too many people go through divorce and not even have a credit card in their names. I have been able to secure my line of credit and mortgages all on my own. Both empowering and rewarding! Also, a good role model for my two teenager daughters.
@Karen Harris I see a lot of posts about "success" and how it will turn him around. Not all deals (though we all wish they were) will be a home-run. We see a ton of success stories, but few are brave enough to post the bad-ones. If you decide to go forward with Real Estate investing, try to educate yourself as much as possible. Seek out honest investors and ask to share their 'horror stories'. The good ones will always have a lesson in those stories: Either what to avoid or how they turned a bad situation good.
Wow, sorry to hear about your negative “accidental landlord” experience, Joseph. I can see how this could be a discouragement to her, and I think that your patient approach and commitment to searching in better neighborhoods is a wise choice. Wish you the best!
You’ve made some great points here, Dustin! Showing that we’re serious and fully committed is essential before most people would want to join us in our venture. And it makes sense! Taking action is huge because it demonstrates commitment. And if someone can see a benefit in something for themselves, it increases the likelihood of them wanting it. For my husband, that would be financial stability for his retirement years. Thanks for your post!
You’re right, James – communication is so important! I believe that I’ve done this pretty well, but perhaps there are areas I haven’t been clear enough on. How would you suggest that I go about determining this?
Effective communication doesn’t guarantee that there will always be agreement, but at least it helps to pave the way and remove stumbling blocks.
Yes, you're right. Communication doesn't mean automatic agreement. I guess it's just a matter of putting oneself into the shoes of another. When I started to talk to my wife about how REI will help us to be able to travel abroad (her favorite thing) she started to become intrigued. Once intrigued, more of a willingness to learn and get on board. It is likely that this won't work for everyone, it's just what worked for me. But I know this, if you can get to the heart of another, they're more interested in what you have to say. The path to the heart of a person is usually through their deepest desires. Hope this makes sense.
@Karen Harris- I'm a newbie as well and still learning. I'm glad I found BP to guide me. I'm leaning towards BRRR niche and I look forward to getting my first investment deal.
Dane, I'm planning to re-read ‘Rich Dad, Poor Dad' also. It sounds like you've asked your wife to read it and she's doing so willingly. And if she's been an open and willing participant in your conversations about REI, and is supporting you, that's fantastic! I take it that you haven't always seen eye to eye on everything, but doing these things has helped you. Is that right? All the best!
That's so true, Ryan. It's good to hope and plan for success in REI, but the reality is things may not always work out the way we'd like. I'm in the process of doing just as you said: educating myself though books, courses, and BP; and seeking out other investors and asking them to share their experiences (did this just yesterday). I'm convinced that these things are essential, and believe that doing them will increase the likelihood of reaching my goals.
Your comments reminded me of the story of Babe Ruth – that he was known as, "The Home-Run King". At the same time, what many people don't realize is he was also, "The Strike-Out King." Even the best professionals in REI (or in any industry) have had their share of failures, and great lessons have been learned from them. As you said, we would all be wise to glean wisdom from their mistakes and "horror stories". Thanks for making a great point!
You definitely want your husband to be interested in the business, otherwise its going to be a nightmare for you if you try to force the issue of him getting involved. Maybe get into it yourself, share your stories with him (Successes and failures), then see if he can offer any solutions or advise
He doesn't need to be involved if he's not interested. And he should be 100% supportive i.e. not stand in your way, make you feel guilty for it, not nay say it. I had a spouse like that and I divorced him.