Spouse Not on Board?
Radford, VA · Member since 2016 · 75 posts · 19 votes
I'm new to BP and am venturing into buy and hold REI with a skeptical spouse. He supports me using my inheritance funds for investing, but chooses not to participate himself because he lacks confidence in and understanding of RE investing. I've asked him to read some good books with me on the topic, but he's just not interested. I'm thinking that he'll come around after I complete a deal successfully and he sees that it's profitable.
Has anyone on BP ever faced similar challenges with your spouse? If so, how did you handle it?
Sure would appreciate some advice here. Thanks!
@Karen Harris Karen, if you do decide to move forward without the complete support of your spouse, you might run into more problems in your relationship than it's worth. While the income would be nice, I would wait until you got him on board. When you invest in real estate, you sign up for all the problems that come with it as well. If your spouse isn't voluntarily signing up for it with you, and some of those problems become his problems indirectly (whether it be actually dealing with the problems, your absence, etc.), it could put a very large strain on your relationship. You would then be trading happiness for money, something I don't think any of us would advise.
On the flip side of the coin, if this is something that you're passionate about, and will bring you fulfillment, then you cannot let your spouse stop you. He is currently making the choice to not dive into it with you. Be mindful that you are not pushing him into it. Rather, you should be pulling him into it by leading. Ask him what his goals are, how you can help him get there, and if he will help you do the same thing.
I hope showing both sides of the argument is helpful; I don't think people telling you what to do is productive.
Kenny Reimer
@Karen Harris Karen, if you do decide to move forward without the complete support of your spouse, you might run into more problems in your relationship than it's worth. While the income would be nice, I would wait until you got him on board. When you invest in real estate, you sign up for all the problems that come with it as well. If your spouse isn't voluntarily signing up for it with you, and some of those problems become his problems indirectly (whether it be actually dealing with the problems, your absence, etc.), it could put a very large strain on your relationship. You would then be trading happiness for money, something I don't think any of us would advise.
On the flip side of the coin, if this is something that you're passionate about, and will bring you fulfillment, then you cannot let your spouse stop you. He is currently making the choice to not dive into it with you. Be mindful that you are not pushing him into it. Rather, you should be pulling him into it by leading. Ask him what his goals are, how you can help him get there, and if he will help you do the same thing.
I hope showing both sides of the argument is helpful; I don't think people telling you what to do is productive.
Kenny Reimer
Kenny has some good advice.
I am somewhat confused by your description. Your spouse is not on board for himself, but is he against you experimenting on your own? If he is against your involvement, then I agree with Kenny that you might run into more problems in your relationship than it's worth.
However, if your spouse is just a bit uneducated, you could start your journey alone, and he could eventually follow.
The last option would be similar to my own. My wife has her career (completely unrelated to real estate in any form), and I have mine (completely revolving around real estate). I like to think we have a wonderful relationship. My investing has always been a bit confusing for her, but after 13 years we love that we have our own paths for careers.
I'm going thru the same issue myself now and it's definitely a struggle. I explain all the benefits of it and the time/freedom it could give us but it just doesn't seem to work. I try not to take it personal
If you expect any assistance or expect to bounce ideas off him, then you might have issues.
If you don't and then get it...great.
Otherwise, you will have potential issues and future headaches.
My spouse is not on aboard and doesn't help at all....but its my "job" not hers.
You have a different situation than most. Most people who have a spouse that is "not on board" have spouses that don't support them at all (meaning that they absolutely disagree with what you are doing), which causes a major conflict in their marriage. In your case, your husband supports you, but he doesn't want to participate. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. My wife supports me in all my business ventures to include REI, but she wants nothing to do with it. She doesn't want the stress of making decisions or the responsibilities that running a business has inherently has. She trusts me to do whatever it takes to pay the bills and she doesn't care to know the details. Don't get me wrong, she is a very intelligent woman who is quite capable, but she would much rather take care of the kids and be more involved in church and I support her in that.
But if you want to add some conflict to your marriage, then try to force your husband to participate in this new venture of yours. I am sure he will welcome the unnecessary stress and as he gets more involved he will probably learn to resent you and the decision to support you.
Or you can just be happy that he does support you and maybe after seeing your success he MAY want to get involved, but don't expect it and don't push it. Besides, if he doesn't understand REI and has no desire to understand REI, do you really want him involved in making investment decisions? Not saying that he wont have any good input, but you simply don't know what you don't know.
@Kenneth Reimer You make a good point, Kenneth, that even though he may not be directly involved, he would certainly be affected by the challenges (and benefits) that may come through my investing. But wouldn't this be true with most things in life? Whatever I choose to do, even if it's a particular career, or not investing in anything at all, he'd be affected because we're one. It would also be true the other way around. But as you say, our relationship is far more important than money.
My goal is definitely not to push him, but to lure him into it. I believe he knows there is potential in RE investing. Our financial advisor even told us so, and he encouraged me to pursue it while we were in my husband's presence. It is a passion of mine, but I do try to remain sensitive to how my husband feels about it. I feel like I have his support. He's even been willing to visit properties with me when they're nearby. and we discuss properties. He just isn't interested in doing it himself. At least not yet!
Yes, knowing each other's goals and helping each other to reach them is important. I agree that it should be a two-way street.
Thanks so much for sharing your insight, Ken! This can be a sensitive issue. Thanks for taking the risk!
@Karen Harris Karen, based on your response, I can tell your relationship will do just fine. Understanding that you guys are a team is crucial, and a key to a happy relationship.
I think you should look up Tony Robbins speech on the 6 motivations or needs of humans. It sounds to me like your spouse equates real estate investing with uncertainty. It might be worthwhile to understand the risks and benefits of investing at this point in the real estate cycle, as well as your guys' lives. Understanding the different strategies to mitigate your risk might be what he needs to feel comfortable about looking into it.
While the communication between you two is most important, I would be happy to help in any way that I can. I truly believe real estate has the ability to change lives, and I hope you guys find a good solution!
No, Justin, he doesn't seem to be against me doing this on my own. He told me he was ok with it. But he is somewhat leery about his personal involvement and isn't willing to risk investing in it financially. I truly believe it's because he doesn't know or understand much about it. He's at the age now where he isn't as adventurous as he used to be (he's 63), and is quickly approaching retirement age.
One thing I've been doing that I think is helping is, I expose him to people we know personally who are doing it successfully. For example, my brother-in-law and his wife have 6 or 7 rentals, and they came for dinner a few weeks ago. Their enthusiasm is obvious. I've also had a co-worker/friend and spouse over. They own multiple rentals and have done flips. He hears their stories and sees their passion. And it's not high pressure, but very laid back. And I don't do this intentionally to sway or pressure him. But he listens to them and asks them questions. So while he won't read the books I'd like him to read, he at least listens to their stories.
I'm glad that you and your wife have come to an agreeable place, and that it's working well for you! I'm encouraged!
The situation with my wife was similar many moons ago although my hurdle was in getting her to take the risk. She has come around in many ways, especially when it comes to spending the income, but when it comes to managing the business beyond the books it is absolutely not a option. Discussions at home about tenants or how to manage tenant issues is strictly forbidden. We are of a different mind set and to involve her in the day to day would put a end to either our investing or our marriage. I learned very early on to keep my work out of my home.
You may find the same when it comes down to the daily operation of your business as dealing with tenants can be highly stressful in the beginning.
Thanks for your candidness, Chris! I have a feeling we're not the only ones who are going through this (or have gone through it already). YES, it's a struggle! Things would be SO much easier if we were in sync with our spouses in this. One thing I've found is, the harder I try to push my spouse, the more he resists. Things got better when I "lightened up". And as you said, try not to take it personal. Because it's not against "US" per se. It's against "the concept". I hope you'll be able to gain some help and insight through the comments in this discussion thread!
***Calling all BP-ers! Please chime in and tell us what's working for you!
Hello Karen:
Everything takes time, Success is contagious ! you have his support that's a great start.
Good Luck
Kishore
Rich, you are definitely right about that! He's not my "go to" person at this point. That's why I'm SO glad to have Bigger Pockets!
I think it's also important to not give up hope on our spouses. We need to be patient and keep loving them unconditionally. They just don't see what we see. Not yet. But that can change in time.
Dean, I think there’s more than one way to be “not on board”. It could be physically, financially or emotionally. Either way can be difficult to deal with, depending on the person and circumstances. When there’s a part of our world, our vision, our passion that our spouse is either indifferent to or wants nothing to do with, it can be a painful thing.
In my situation, I’ve been a stay-at-home mom for many years and haven’t worked a job in a long time. I have limited funds from an inheritance to invest in RE, and my husband doesn’t want to participate financially to supplement it. Since banks won’t extend loans to people without W-2 income, this means I either have to get a job (I’m willing, but not as young as I used to be) or find some creative forms of financing. I understand that this won’t be easy, and my lifestyle may change dramatically.
It’s great that your wife supports you, even though she chooses to focus on raising the kids and doing church ministry. What she’s doing is important, and it seems that you’re well able to proceed and be successful even without her physical participation. For some reason (and I’m not sure why), many women (like me, maybe?) have a harder time venturing out on their own than men do.
Thanks for your great advice! I agree that trying to force my husband or anyone to participate in my venture would only lead to trouble, and I have no intention of doing that. I’m hopeful, though, that he’ll eventually come on-board. I won’t push him or require it. But I can hope, can’t I?
Greg, thanks for sharing your story and helping me to see that people are different and I need to respect those differences. You've encouraged me that with the passage of time, people can change. And in other ways, they won't. Sounds like you've figured out how to work well with this in your home, and that's great! I appreciate the sound advice!
Thanks, Kishore, for the encouragement!
@Kenneth Reimer Thanks for recommending the Tony Robbins speech, Kenneth - I will look it up! You're right, my husband is uncertain. I was hoping that he'd read books with me to alleviate the uncertainty, but he's not ready. I'll take your advice and study up on it myself, so that when the opportunity presents itself I'll be able to talk about it intelligently. Thank you for your sound advice. I really appreciate it!
I think a spouse is no different than anyone else, they need a reason to trust you. Do you have a credit score in the high (very high) 700's, are you very responsible with spending, with debt? Have you been able to predict your net worth months and years in advance via a detailed spreadsheet? I had a spouse who wasn't on board. I could answer yes to all those question for years, and so I showed her the spreadsheet and then she let me invest again and then again. And each time the investment delivered exactly as I predicted. She trusts me now and I am free to invest as i see fit.
A track record is important for life partners as well as business partners.
@Karen Harris I can understand how you feel.
I'm in a somewhat similar situation; not that my husband's not interested, he thinks he can't do any of the research/buying since he's not a native English speaker nor familiar with this aspect of the culture (never mind that my whole post-college life has been spent outside the USA, so I'm quite clueless about many things). And home ownership/rentals are very different between our two cultures.
We've discussed REI for a few years now and just took the plunge on buying a home that we'll use as a rental. I make sure he knows everything I'm doing as far as communicating with the realtor/insurance agent/etc. I tell him about all the podcasts I listen to; blogs I read and let him know about both the risks and rewards.
Again, I know you said your husband just doesn't seem interested; so just continue talking about what you're doing. But not obsessively. Don't turn REI or BP into swear words. :)
And be patient...by you mentioning that you've been a stay at home mom for many years, I'm guessing you're a few more years into marriage than myself, but I've found that given time, my husband usually comes around to my different ideas/hobbies.
All the best!
I agree, Brett, that trust is very important! I can answer "yes" to the first set of questions, but wouldn't know how to go about predicting net worth that far out since I haven't done my first deal yet. I can certainly see how having a good track record would be advantageous, and it's something definitely worth keeping in mind. I'm glad that it worked for you! Thanks for the input!
Karen. I agree with Kenneth. The opposition of your husband is not a good thing to do. Perhaps he does not want to be a landlord and commit to a long term renter situation. I had the same with my wife. We discussed this and then looked into flipping and that went much better. in and out in 30 days per transaction with better ROI.
Charlotte, KUDOS to you and your husband for taking the plunge in spite of your challenges!
When I read your post, these are the lessons I learn:
1. Don't rush. You and your husband waited a few years. I don't have to run out to get my first deal tomorrow.
2. Communicate. I like that you told your husband about the things you learned from the podcasts and blogs, and let him know about the risks and rewards. I also like that he was willing to listen. But if a spouse is resistant and doesn't want to hear, this can be hard.
3. Don't over-do it. Yep - definitely need to be sensitive to this. Enthusiasm sometimes can be misinterpreted as "nagging".
4. Be patient. Even though I know we don't have forever to do this, and it seems like deals are passing us by left and right...and it's hard!
This is good stuff - thanks for sharing the wisdom!
I wouldn't say that my husband is opposing me, Sid. He's ok with me doing it, but just doesn't want to be involved himself. But you make a good point. I'm open to flipping as well, though my husband hasn't indicated that he'd prefer that. It's certainly something worth looking further into and discussing. He might feel better about that approach. I'll try it. Thanks!
@Karen Harris I'm in the same boat. What's worked for me is to limit how often I talk about REI around my wife. However, I do make it a point to keep her in the loop. If and when anything significant happens I talk to her about it. In a nutshell, I treat my investing as if it were my 2nd job. And I talk to my wife about my investing in the same way that I would anytime she asks "how was your day?" or "how was work?".
Don't try to push him into it. But make sure not to push him away just because he's not interested in something important to you. The relationship is more important.
I'm new to BP and am venturing into buy and hold REI with a skeptical spouse. He supports me using my inheritance funds for investing, but chooses not to participate himself because he lacks confidence in and understanding of RE investing. I've asked him to read some good books with me on the topic, but he's just not interested. I'm thinking that he'll come around after I complete a deal successfully and he sees that it's profitable.
Has anyone on BP ever faced similar challenges with your spouse? If so, how did you handle it?
Sure would appreciate some advice here. Thanks!
Having your spouse be supportive but not interested is totally different than your spouse not interested and not supportive. You can go it alone as long as they are behind you 100% in the decision. You both don't need to be involved, but you both need to be on board.
I'm going to go a bit off the board here and offer this suggestion:
If your husband is ok with you doing as you see fit with your inheritance, than invest it in building and funding a business entity structure which can invest in properties keeping your personal assets isolated while also shielding the two of you from the liabilities which may arise from those investments in income property. Once he sees how to minimize or mitigate the risks while still producing income / ROI, I think he'll come around more quickly than if you attempt to acquire income property in your own name putting your personal and marital assets at risk.
My $0.02 ...