I am seriously LOST!

OP

Rental Property Investor · Oceanside, CA · Member since 2018 · 78 posts · 60 votes

7y

@Josh Dane I've been thinking the same thing, but she supported me deploying after being married only a month, and she supports many other things in my life, this is just one thing that she really puts her foot down on. The worst part is that I want to do this for our family not just for me. That's the real hangup.

Kyle Schlosser

Specialist · Louisville, KY · Member since 2017 · 166 posts · 154 votes

7y

@Christopher Lane I seem to recall an old podcast where each time the investor would buy a rental house, he’d take the family on vacation...another where he’d buy his wife another high end purse (Louis Vuitton, Burberry, etc). If she is able to see that A. You can make it happen and B. She benefits, you stand a good chance at moving forward with less resistance.

OP

Rental Property Investor · Oceanside, CA · Member since 2018 · 78 posts · 60 votes

7y

@Kyle Schlosser That's a great plan, and I intend to do that, but I need to get past the roadblock of our first rental property.

David Mock

Somerville, MA · Member since 2018 · 4 posts · 3 votes

7y

@Christopher Lane

While I can’t speak on anything real estate as I’m super new to this scene, I can talk about this at lengths as I am a professional poker player.

Some people are just not as risk adverse as others and it’s ok

One thing that helps me explain my career path to my parents when I was younger was just having them realize we all take risks in everything we do every day.

When you cross the street your taking a risk, every single successful business or entrepreneur took huge risks to get started. When you go to college and take on huNDREDs of thousands of dollars of debt to be a nurse your taking a huge risk.

You don’t have to get her to love what you do you just have to try to level with her as best you can and just try to get her understand .

Hope this helps in any capacity

Dave mock

Kyle Schlosser

Specialist · Louisville, KY · Member since 2017 · 166 posts · 154 votes

7y

@Christopher Lane I’d do the analysis on a target property and show it to her...using a legit calculator and printing something off so she can actually see it in black and white. The other component to this is not that you’re chasing $400/month...you’re chasing that times however many properties you can get your hands on. The faster you scale the less she has to work...she’ll decrease her work hours first and then you will as your income increases. The more clarity you can establish that this will benefit her as well, the better off you’ll likely be.

OP

Rental Property Investor · Oceanside, CA · Member since 2018 · 78 posts · 60 votes

7y

@David Mock Completely agree, totally not a risk taker and I tried that route I got some traction but not much.

@Kyle Schlosser I did the BP calculator ad nauseum and sent the PDF to her, we went over it and it wasn't good enough.

And yes, I completely agree$400 is chump change but its one of the few deals I can afford currently and has the highest ROI for a decent-ish property. Eventually, I want 100 doors, but gotta start small and snowball it up. I know multifamily is the way to go but I can't afford anything incredible out the gate.

Jamie BraytonBusiness Member

Property Manager · Troy, NY · Member since 2017 · 204 posts · 81 votes

7y

Is she open to learning more about investing? I thought my husband was crazy when he mentioned investing a few years ago. I have background in education and it felt completely foreign to me. He gave me a copy of Rich Dad and Building Wealth One House at a Time. After reading both I was really excited to give it a try and to continue learning more.

We were really smart about our first purchases and that provided me with a sense of security. Buying and holding property that cash flows and has lots of equity left in it seems like the least risky thing we’re doing with our money right now.

For the what it is worth, if he invested our money without looping me in that would not have gone over well. Instead, we figured out how to work well as partners and that feels like a huge advantage.

3 Reply

Al Pat

Rental Property Investor · Atlanta, GA · Member since 2016 · 325 posts · 253 votes

7y

@Christopher Lane, do it and do tell her. Discuss with her as to how long she wants to be a nurse, until 75 years old? You can tell her this is your retirement income, think it like actively managed 401k. Instead of discussing as RE, say funding #1 is returning $400 a month over let’s say down payment of 30k, that is still better than market returns. Speak in the language she easily understand and can relate to or associate with. At the end of the day, it’s your investment style, no investment is risk free. Hope this helps.

https://www.biggerpockets.com/forums/311/topics/64...

Michael Ealy

Developer · Cincinnati, OH · Member since 2018 · 1k+ posts · 3k+ votes

7y

Originally posted by @Christopher Lane:

Hey team, so this is a super personal post. Read at your own risk lol.

I grew up in a family that had 2 - 4plexes and 3 triplexes. I grew up collecting rents with my dad, and working on the houses and mowing the lawns. My parents got divorced and now my mom has a house, and my dad has 3. somewhat relevant but not really.

The big issue for me is my wife.

"I dont see why you dont think you need a job.

I dont think its smart to waste our money on something risky

I dont know why youre so obsessed with this

I dont know why youre chasing $400 a month from such a headache

I dont know how you think this is smart

You got fired from your sales job because you couldnt sell and never made money there

Remember when you invested in bitcoin? howd that end? (I ended up doubling my money, but only after being 9x if i sold at the bubble)

You need to be thankful for what you have

Why cant you just be normal

God gave you what he gave you for a reason"

I tell her I grew up in this arena and I've done literally years of research, with my dad and on my own. I've listened to every BP podcast, every Grant Cardone youtube video, read over 20 books, all on real estate and personal finances.

I'm devastated that she says these things to me and I have no idea how to get her to see that this isn't something that's a half-a$$ed idea. Shes a Trauma nurse in SoCal and makes over 100k but ha NO goal of ever doing any better in life than what we make now. and TBH my relationship is really struggling now, not because we don't have money, but because we have differing opinions on what to do with what we have.

What do I do? A divorce is never an option.

To deal with the wife, show her the MONEY.

Just invest, don't talk about the problems and the drama and the headaches that come with landlording. That will stress her out.

Talk about your successes and how much equity you now have with your properties. $400/month cashflow does not seem a lot but if you tell her you have $100,000 equity...then she might realize that...that's where the money is.

To inspire you and maybe inspire her, here's the story of a 48-unit building I have that has a lot of headaches. But instead of my wife looking at the problems, he trusted that I know what I am doing.

When I told her I made over $1 MILLION on it after 6 years (not just equity but CASH that came to our bank account the day I sold it), you can only imagine the look on her face. Her patience and TRUST were amply rewarded :-)

Here's my story:

5 Reply

Steve L.

Fairfield, CA · Member since 2016 · 29 posts · 22 votes

7y

I agree with other comments regarding it possibly being a deeper issue based on not so much what she said but how she said it. It's a little odd to me about her getting fired and needing a job comments since you later mention being deployed to Kuwait making $160k. No disrespect but women get lonely and nurses meet a lot of people so having you so far from home is probably difficult. Whether you seek counseling or not, as one Vet to another her tone toward you may not be about being anti REI but more about being lonely. Talk it out to work it out and whatever you do don't add more liabilities like property and kids until you do.

3 Reply

Milian Bonillo

Rental Property Investor · Chicago, IL · Member since 2018 · 54 posts · 44 votes

7y

This sounds great. Reminds me of how kids listen to other people before they’ll listen to their parents. Some people don’t think outside of “go to school, get a job, trade time for money=work for someone else to profit from your labor, max out a 401K, then have some freedom upon retirement”.

Brent B.

New to Real Estate · Charlotte, NC · Member since 2018 · 19 posts · 5 votes

7y

@Christopher Lane have you gotten her to read rich dad poor dad yet?

Milian Bonillo

Rental Property Investor · Chicago, IL · Member since 2018 · 54 posts · 44 votes

7y

My original comment was in response to @Ivan Barratt's comment. Sorry, still learning how to use the forum! I didn't mean your problem is great; I mean Ivan's suggestion of having your wife hear success stories from others already doing REI is helpful!

Chris LeMay

Woodbury, MN · Member since 2018 · 9 posts · 12 votes

7y

Christopher - I am just getting started in real estate investing. My wife and I both have full time jobs and we just made our first purchase. To me, the answer to your question is as follows: Your wife should either read a book on investing, watch a couple of Brandon Turner webcasts or read some articles on investing on this forum. I think if she understands it better, she will become a partner with you and no longer an antagonist.

Michelle ShriverPro Member

Rental Property Investor · York Haven, PA · Member since 2018 · 49 posts · 39 votes

7y

I agree it sounds like there are some deeper issues at work. Marriage counseling is a good idea, buying in secret is not.

Pursue your dreams and deal with the discomfort of not having her support. It doesn't sound like you'll go into financial ruin over it. Get your support here from the BP community.

Kyle Schlosser

Specialist · Louisville, KY · Member since 2017 · 166 posts · 154 votes

7y

@Christopher Lane Does she have anything she is interested in...starting an online clothing shoppe, etc? Maybe you could back her in something and she could do the same for you?

Sen A.

Rental Property Investor · Union City, NJ · Member since 2018 · 40 posts · 66 votes

7y

@Christopher Lane I'm going to side with your wife on this one. It seems that you have not been able to secure stable employment outside of military service and have proven time and again that your investment strategies have not worked out.

When you're done with your deployment it is possible that she will be the only income earner in the household while you go on a new real estate venture that initially cash flows very little. In CA, that income from the 160k/year will disappear very quickly.

I would consider thinking about your career path after military service and possibly secure a W2 job. Stabilizing your month-to-month finances gives you the ability and confidence to take on the risks of RE investing.

Victor S.

WorldWide · Member since 2016 · 1k+ posts · 1k+ votes

7y

"...so she used that against me too."

Putting my Dr. Phil pants on. This, to me, sounds like a common theme thruout your postings. Are you sure this is the right person for you and a person you want to be having children with? I couldn't imagine trying to accomplish something every day and coming home to hear these "words of encouragement". Has she always been this way or has this gotten worse since you lost the sales gig? Has she always been tight with the money? Money, btw, is #1 cause of divorce, or so I've heard.

Chad Kastel

Rental Property Investor · NY · Member since 2018 · 126 posts · 42 votes

7y

@Christopher Lane. Chris, some of the things your is saying are completely reasonable because people are usually fearful of what they don't understand. Some of the things she is saying are negative comments people should not say to each other who are in productive relationships with open lines of communication i.e. "I don't know why you're so obsess with this" or "why can't you just be normal" There are two separate issues. The first is finding a common ground on your finances, she needs to understand investing. The second is for her to understand why you need support in this.

Any good relationship is about solid communication and support. Financial problems are one of the most likely causes of relationship problems. So it is very important to align your financial goals and risks. If she doesn't understand the benefit of real estate (and you're successful at it) I would suggest asking her to start by reading "Rich dad Poor dad." If you've ever read the book She sounds like a "poor dad." That will give her a good foundation to understand the concept of money. While there is nothing wrong with working a job for 100k, if you desire financial freedom it will never happen from just having a good steady paycheck. Maybe she does not desire financial freedom, but that's something you may have to compromise over. My gut is if she doesn't understand why this is great, then you haven't taken the time to explain it well. Real estate isn't complicated to do or explain, it's just a lot of work.

As far as the ladder problems, I can only comment on what you've written. I have no idea what kind of partner you are. Assuming you are a good one, the things your wife are saying to you as not productive, but that's in the context of you being a great supportive partner. Of course we want an honest and open relationship and you want your partner to be truthful with you, we don't want our spouses to be "yes men (or women) and tell us what we want to hear. But instead of saying "I don't know why you're obsessed with this" A great partner will support our passions.

So you need to ask yourself is your wife not being supportive or are you so obsessed that you aren't performing your duties as a husband causing her to be discontent?

Warmest Regards,

Chad

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Jay HinrichsBusiness Member

Real Estate Consultant · Summerlin, NV · Member since 2014 · 45k+ posts · 66k+ votes

7y

Originally posted by @Ibrahim Hughes:

@Christopher Lane

Trust me. THIS is the key. You have to actually make money in this where she can SEE that your lives are easier.

(Many) women are like that . Not really risk takers. They want security . So until they see where you've got your real estate operation up and running and improving your lives, she will continue to be a naysayer. Make her a believer.

when I did timber in the 90s my partners wife was uber conservative.. WE would have a great month and make 250 to 500k in one month and she would say those are just numbers on paper.. so until we moved that cash into HER account it did not become real.

and then I did a few subdivisions were we made 7 figures and all of a sudden when she could pay cash for a condo in maui it became real. but I doubt we would have gotten anywhere with rentals it would have been too much debt risk and NOT nearly enough income.

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4 Reply

OP

Rental Property Investor · Oceanside, CA · Member since 2018 · 78 posts · 60 votes

7y

@Victor S. Shes a frugal gal, even though we don't need to be. She supported me going overseas after being married only a month, shes supporting my decision to join me to Germany next, but shes never owned a house. Ever. and the thought of her buying a place with me scares the living heck out of her. Very supportive and absolutely the one for me, its just this is the only bad thing about our relationship. This is something we dont see eye to eye on, but shes never invested in anything, never bought a house and knows nothing about REI or homeownership.

Stacy Handlin-Lefever

Rental Property Investor · Bellevue, WA · Member since 2018 · 7 posts · 0 votes

7y

@Christopher Lane

Is it possible that you have a sit down chat and tell her how devastated you are when she says these things to you.

Tell her what you do need, like support!

Maybe share your goals with her and come with some numbers. Where do you think you will be in a year?

It sounds like she feels scared and that your family will be left with only her income and that’s very scary for her.

My family has also invested for years but they taught me nothing! Do see a lot of their struggles and complaints so often some places they own seem to be a hassle and I never got to know the good parts.

I’m not sure if this is helpful but I too know about relationship struggles and divorce is not what I want either.