Wife is not on board, how to convince?
Raleigh, NC · Member since 2017 · 12 posts · 0 votes
Wife is not on board, how to convince?
Most Popular Reply
Lay out the strategy.
It isn't always helpful to follow-up your generalized, high level explanation with "and I know this will work, some other guys are doing it" Treat her like a business partner: show her a house, show her repair estimates and quotes, show her the comps and recent sales, show her the mortgage estimate and recent tax bills, then the market rents in the area.
This is math you should be doing anyway.
And its not like you're trying to swindle her. She can not deny the math.
If she has been on board with your stock investing (which is common gambling), then she should able to see the writing on the walls when you put pen to paper.
Also, your wife is your wife. She wants to believe in you and she wants you to succeed. It hurts her when you fail at something so her apprehension is more about that, then not thinking its a good idea. Get her far away from the idea that this might fail and she'll champion your cause as if she thought of it!
You know you've got a good thing going on this RE thing. Trust it and she'll trust it, understand it and she'll understand it. But also, show her WHY you trust it, why it makes sense. Again, She cant deny the numbers.
Spend some time putting all that down before you start the discussion, that way you're prepared. And if she has a what-if that you cant answer, there's nothing wrong with saying "Good Question, Iet me check" then coming back here and asking a guru.
25 Replies
@Chris Nance I am a newbie but the way I managed to convince my wife is by giving her a copy of the rich dad poor dad book and sending her some links to articles from BP. so far, it seems to have worked!
- 9yAlexander FelicePro MemberGuy with Great Hair · Austin, TX · Member since 2013 · 2k+ posts · 4k+ votes
People are apprehensive about risks when they evaluate them improperly.
Investing may seem overly risky or a bad idea when you measure the risk emotionally rather than mathematically. Instead, you should calculate and measure the risks then take steps to mitigate them.
Saying no to taking risk means you have carefully and thoroughly evaluated the financial risk and decided the payoff isn't high enough to move forward.
OR
you are emotionally fearful, usually do to a misunderstanding or lack of understanding to the actual risk calculation so the default result is to avoid it. Which kind of is the correct approach (if you don't know what you're doing, it IS too risky). The solution to your situation is simply education. Your wife doesn't think investing is a good idea because she hasn't learned the material enough to make a properly evaluated decision, so she is defaulting to no.
what you need is to get her to learn about real estate, the inherent risks, and avenues to mitigate.
- Investor · Seattle, WA · Member since 2016 · 143 posts · 68 votes9ythink about the risk of not investing! maybe that will help her to understand why you want to do rei.
- Investor · Hummelstown, PA · Member since 2013 · 50 posts · 37 votes9y
@Chris Nance I like the suggestion of read rich dad poor dad first if she is willing to read it. Or get it on audio and play it in the car whenever your together. Its first about changing her mindset. I make my wife listen to bp podcasts in the car when I drive (cuz the driver controls the music!!) and she has come to enjoy them. I think the success stories of others are a big help. Also you need to identify the objections or fears she has about investing. I would guess that a lot of it is lack of knowledge and preconceptions she has. Need to overcome some of those little at a time. "Systematic Desensitization" :-) is the official psychology word for it I think. Put as much positive emotions around real estate investing as you can. Possibly another objection maybe she doesn't think you are ready or have the right tools yet. Fake it till you make it some say. Start going to the investor meetups in your area, Maybe take her along. Hopefully she will turn after all your attempts. Finally offer a bribe. Sometimes that is all you need. Shoes, new dress, mini vacations, put some positives in for her for being on board. Hope some of this helps!
Lay out the strategy.
It isn't always helpful to follow-up your generalized, high level explanation with "and I know this will work, some other guys are doing it" Treat her like a business partner: show her a house, show her repair estimates and quotes, show her the comps and recent sales, show her the mortgage estimate and recent tax bills, then the market rents in the area.
This is math you should be doing anyway.
And its not like you're trying to swindle her. She can not deny the math.
If she has been on board with your stock investing (which is common gambling), then she should able to see the writing on the walls when you put pen to paper.
Also, your wife is your wife. She wants to believe in you and she wants you to succeed. It hurts her when you fail at something so her apprehension is more about that, then not thinking its a good idea. Get her far away from the idea that this might fail and she'll champion your cause as if she thought of it!
You know you've got a good thing going on this RE thing. Trust it and she'll trust it, understand it and she'll understand it. But also, show her WHY you trust it, why it makes sense. Again, She cant deny the numbers.
Spend some time putting all that down before you start the discussion, that way you're prepared. And if she has a what-if that you cant answer, there's nothing wrong with saying "Good Question, Iet me check" then coming back here and asking a guru.
- Rock Star Extraordinaire · Northeast, TN · Member since 2015 · 10k+ posts · 17k+ votes9y
Identify the objections first - "It's a bad idea" is not an objection. Her opposition might be grounded in rationale, conjecture or fantasy - mine that first. Consider what role *you* might play in her opposition - are you known for starting projects and not finishing them? Losing money on wild speculation done without research? ETC.
If you start from the point of view that her objections are valid (assuming they are), you will go much further in addressing those concerns than working from the opposite direction. For example, maybe "it's a bad idea" means "We don't have the money for that". If that's true (is your bank account empty?), you may consider a second job, living below your means, selling some other assets, finding an equity partner, etc.
When we "got back" into this, my wife was not originally sold, for some valid reasons (we lost a boatload of money on a previous endeavor) and some fear-based (everyone has trouble with tenants). I acknowledged the concerns, demonstrated the math, went through the worst-case scenarios, demonstrated the risks of *not* taking action, and she got on board. It's been super-profitable ever since.
Skyline Properties - Raleigh, NC · Member since 2017 · 12 posts · 0 votes9y
@Harrison Liu She is on board with investing, but 401k is sufficient for her.
After all:"it is what everyone does. And it works right?"
- Raleigh, NC · Member since 2017 · 12 posts · 0 votes9y
@JD Martin My father first mentioned that he wished he had done real estate investing. She sees other choices he has passed up and thinks everything he suggested is a bad idea.
And what tools did you use to demonstrate to her?
- Rock Star Extraordinaire · Northeast, TN · Member since 2015 · 10k+ posts · 17k+ votes9y
Originally posted by @Chris Nance:
@Harrison Liu She is on board with investing, but 401k is sufficient for her.
After all:"it is what everyone does. And it works right?"
That's blue-collar mentality. If that is/was her upbringing, there's a lot of reprogramming to do. Wage slaves believe that accepting the system is the only alternative to dying penniless in the streets.
Skyline Properties - Crossville, TN · Member since 2017 · 121 posts · 168 votes9y
Sounds to me more like a marital issue than a financial issue. If you have made the money that is being invested and the family home isn't at risk you merely just tell her what you are going to do. If she has contributed equally merely take out half of the stock investment and use it for your investing.
- Investor · The Creek, WV · Member since 2014 · 890 posts · 1k+ votes9y
I used successful people my wife personally knows as examples. Brought up how every successful person I know has real estate investments, even if it isn't their main thing.
That kind of showed her. Then I took potential deals, ran the numbers, and showed her what was possible. That was less than a year ago and we just bought our 4th house yesterday.
- Raleigh, NC · Member since 2017 · 12 posts · 0 votes9y
@Lana G. Thanks for your reply.
One thing is that I don't have the experience to make accurate estimates. I know it and she knows it, so my estimates are subject. (I would hold them as subject, to some degree, even if she did not). It would be nice if there was a (current) resource where we could get examples about properties, practice running the numbers, and then compare against what is actually happening at the property.
Is there a place to get something like that? I can run projections all day, but it would be really helpful if I had some feedback that my numbers are not totally off kilter.
- Raleigh, NC · Member since 2017 · 12 posts · 0 votes9y
I am having a problem getting her concerned about money. I have a great 9-5 job. As far a the rat-race goes, it is near the top of options. But she is content paying interest to everyone. I want to get on the other end of the interest. We took loans (from family) for my grad school, help with down-payment on our house, etc. She is happy to keep paying these off rather than using the raises I have received to pay them off faster.
Also our family expenses have magically kept up with my raises, even though nothing else has changed.
I took a few moments and read the samples of rich dad poor dad on amazon, and that pointed me to the game cashflow(R). She loves games, maybe I can sneak it in that way.
- Rock Star Extraordinaire · Northeast, TN · Member since 2015 · 10k+ posts · 17k+ votes9y
Originally posted by @Chris Nance:
@JD Martin My father first mentioned that he wished he had done real estate investing. She sees other choices he has passed up and thinks everything he suggested is a bad idea.
And what tools did you use to demonstrate to her?
Basic math. Demonstrated what a house could be bought for, rehab strategy, what similar houses rent for in the area, what the exit strategy would be if we could never find a tenant or the house needed non-stop repairs. Demonstrated how much potential return we were missing by continuing our current strategy (which was, by the way, similar to yours).
Skyline Properties - Raleigh, NC · Member since 2017 · 12 posts · 0 votes9y
Yes she was brought up in a wage slave environment, her dad, and gradnpa are retires (with pensions) from IBM, and her mom is still working at her employer hoping that they will come out of bankruptcy so she can retire with the pension she built up (forfeited if she retires while in bankruptcy protection). So, yes that is her mentality. She at least understands that pensions don't happen any more, and that 401k is a equivalent replacement. I used to think that 401k would even be sufficient.
- Raleigh, NC · Member since 2017 · 12 posts · 0 votes9y
Iis there a clearing house of common rents by area? Or do I just have to search the webs, hit the pavement to find them?
I really want to get into multi family. but my only experience (4yrs) is owning my own SFH. How do I get a good feel for repair/maintenance numbers so I can show her accurate numbers? @Chris Nance So that is where you begin! Since you're still in the early phases of your own understanding there is absolutely nothing wrong with allowing this conversation to rest. You remain on your intention to do this and try to contain your excitement to share your intentions (all of us want to talk about RE when we first get into it).
Bigger pockets has plenty of resources for fact checking! Find a test house, work your numbers then pitch it to the forum. Use whatever you gain of knowledge from the responses and apply to the next test house. Do this until your expectations and numbers start becoming similar to the feedback you're getting. Keep it simple and don't worry about if she understand, this part is for you.
Once you're more confident, show her the numbers. Numbers don't lie.
Regarding her complacency. Those are numbers too.
Show her how much interest costs.
30 years of 4.25% interest on a 65k loan is 50k in interest,
(paid at $320/mo). A total of 115k paid on what started out as 65k.
Now add in duplex property cashflowing $320/mo.
You're entire mortgage and 50k of student loan interest is paying paid by your friendly downstairs neighbor whose kid plays with your kid in the front yard.
And the money you save by paying less in living expenses can go toward another duplex, that with cashflow your kids college fund. And so on.
Put Your numbers on paper. Then learn how to work the house figures and put that side by side.
Remember, she wants to believe. But you have to first.
- Raleigh, NC · Member since 2017 · 12 posts · 0 votes9y
Originally posted by :
Finally offer a bribe. Sometimes that is all you need. Shoes, new dress, mini vacations, put some positives in for her for being on board. Hope some of this helps!
I made it sound like it was mostly her fault that the money goes away. She is really mindful to ask me before spending money, I just say yes to about everything. So offering a bribe when she can have it if she asks is not much incentive. But I like the idea.
- Raleigh, NC · Member since 2017 · 12 posts · 0 votes9y
Thanks @Lana G. I hadn't actually thought about pitching numbers to the forum. I think that would be really helpful. does everyone use the calculators here or are there spreadsheets I can get to do the same thing? I don't really want to put the money into going pro yet (haven't looked into it much), but I know that right now I have a limited number of uses on the calculators. I would like to save them until I am ready to pitch to her again.
@Chris Nance Understood about the pro membership. Yes, plenty of calculators exist on "the regular internet" lol. Better yet, doing a google search for RE rehab calculator will not only bring up calculators but some great sites, videos, "gurus" etc.
Biggerpockets is a must-have, especially for the beginner. Since I don't use social media personally (and my VA handles all my business posting), this is literally like my facebook. But every facebook has its instagram, snapchat, twitter. So fear not! Everything you can pay for here is probably available for free (in some form or another) on the world wide web.
Disclaimer: Get the Pro membership when you can, a lot of times there are discount codes at the end of the webinars (those banners on the side of the screen when you log in and reach your dashboard). It's really very worth it but its okay to hedge your bets this early in the game.
Originally posted by @Chris Nance:
@Harrison Liu She is on board with investing, but 401k is sufficient for her.
After all:"it is what everyone does. And it works right?"
Sure, everyone does it. But no, it doesn't work. It's not hard to find an article that gives statistics on how woefully unprepared most Americans are for retirement. Show her some numbers and projections with your 401k, and if you are realistic, she will probably see that it will not be sufficient to maintain your current lifestyle after you retire. I don't even have to know how much is in there to make that guess.
Then your proposed solution is to to learn about alternate forms of investment (e.g. REI) to supplement your 401k.
- Porter Ranch, CA · Member since 2015 · 51 posts · 13 votes9y
@Chris Nance- communicating shared goals really helps here and I believe your scenario may come down to having a strong why. A couple people mentioned books, which can help shift your mindset (and your wife's) and enable more meaningful action. Here are some book recommendations to get you started that have had a huge impact on me:
◾The Millionaire Next Door by Thomas Stanley
◾Rich Dad, Poor Dad by Robert Kiyosaki
◾Retire Young, Retire Rich by Robert Kiyosaki
◾The Millionaire Real-Estate Investor by Gary Keller
◾The One Thing by Gary Keller - Investor · Grosse Pointe Shores, MI · Member since 2017 · 160 posts · 74 votes9y
I was that reluctant spouse. My reluctance had more to do with the practicality of buying and managing rental properties (hubby has full-time W2 and travels and I am in a wheelchair and generally can't get into most houses). We accidentally acquired our first rental, and it wasn't until after our first tenant moved in that I did the math on it and realized that we would be earning over 15% on our money; that's when I got the REI bug.
This might not work with your wife if she's feeling that the retirement savings/IRA/401k route is better. Have her listen to Michael Swan's podcast, especially when he talks about how much money you need in your retirement accounts in order to live a life in retirement above the poverty line. (But hey! you're in a lower tax bracket!) Then follow up with RD/PD. Then find a small investment, something not too drastic that you can use to test the concept.
- Raleigh, NC · Member since 2017 · 12 posts · 0 votes9y
Do you have examples of where to look for some "small" investments?
I am really nervous about trying to get even a "small" investment to start with. The ones I find that seem at a price point I could get into right now, are really seedy/in really bad areas.
The better ones I keep finding are at price points which seem to high for me to get into with what I have available. I guess I am fighting my "I can't afford this" training.
@Stefanie Jensen
Chris
The above link to another earlier post " I want to buy, but my husband wants to wait and see".
Almost identical to your situation but other way round. I think the solution here is to swamp spouses and everyone will be on the same page. Problem solved.
Terry
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