Make the wife understand
Investor · Brodheadsville, PA · Member since 2013 · 98 posts · 21 votes
Make the wife understand
Most Popular Reply
Wholesaler · Wentzville, MO · Member since 2014 · 155 posts · 56 votes
11yHave her read this, then re-read it.
68 Replies
- 11yJean BolgerPro MemberAurora, CO · Member since 2012 · 2k+ posts · 1k+ votes
I'd start by asking her to read some basic books. Most of the Kiyosaki books are great at explaining investing in a way that's engaging for non-numbers people. "Retire Young, Retire Rich" is a good one--- for the name alone, lol. That's an idea that's bound to appeal to most folks. And he talks a lot about his wife - and working with his wife - in that book.
I suggested "asking her" to read them because trying to "make" someone understand something is a losing proposition from the get-go. It's just inevitable that you'll get resistance. But if you can present it as something you are excited about and would she please, as a favor to you, read these so you can discuss it-- well, you're probably off to a better start.
Another issue that I think can come up is when one partner is trying so hard to convince another that they oversell. Such as "If we invest this money in such and such a way then we are bound to make $$$$!" Your spouse is probably aware of the fact that RE investing takes time, and involves risk, so don't try to pretend it isn't so. Just point out the greater risk of not changing your current trajectory (a good way to do this is to make a long term financial plan based on maintaining your current income/spending patterns for the next 20 years- that's usually enough to shock most people into action)
It's true that some people never get off the earn/consume treadmill. But most folks simply don't realize they are on it.
Originally posted by @Linda Weygant:
There's a part of me that really likes @Verna M.'s method, but it feels more like a parent/child relationship than a life partner relationship. I had to do something similar with my first husband, but he always found ways to open additional credit cards and continue to spend more than we earned. After we got divorced, it took me an additional 5 years to get out from under it.
It takes trust for sure, but in my case my partner has a child from A previous marriage. I got him to see his spending was a problem and it was hurting his kid, too. I am jealous of you having a bf who is on it!!
I tried to teach him and in the end he gave up!!! which is how we ended up where were are now. He did take a small interest to stock investing, and he has a small brokerage account. In the end that causes me more work, but I keep hoping!
- Investor · Pasco, WA · Member since 2014 · 30 posts · 7 votes11y
I understand where you are coming from. My wife and I haven't seen eye to eye on finances for the better part of the 10 years we have been together. We were involved in a MLM company that I KNOW would have paid out big time had we stayed with it. That being said, what it came down to is her vision for our family's life didn't involve that. She has thought I was crazy about the real estate investing for the last year and a half until she finally got fed up with my work schedule and me being away so much. (I come from heavy industrial construction) She finally is understanding my ideas of time and financial freedom. I agree with what some others have mentioned about taking the time to have the discussion about where you guys as a family want to be in 30 years, 20 years, 10 years, 5 years. Let her speak. Have compassion. Listen. She is your wife and the best way to lead her to what you want, she needs to know that you are going to care about what it is that SHE wants.
Good luck!
- Real Estate Broker · Canton, GA · Member since 2010 · 15k+ posts · 11k+ votes11y
Some partners DO NOT want to be involved in real estate no matter HOW MUCH you might want them to be.
I am fine with my wife not being interested in it. She is happy to do what she likes. She knows I am the MONEY MAN but we also have talks about keeping things in reason. We only spend a month 10% or less of income.
You have saved up 15,000 over the years. She may have viewed this as the family has suffered doing next to nothing fun for years and now it's time to reap the rewards. She has EMOTIONAL value and you are thinking of FINANCIAL value.
You need to offer a compromise. Why does it have to be 15,000 or nothing?? That is giving a hard stance. Marriage is about compromise. Would it be possible to spend say 4,000 out of the 15,000 and then invest the 11,000??
Maybe instead of a large trip go somewhere just out of state and still have some fun to give emotional value to the family but also leave some for investing. There is somewhere in the middle to get to a solution. If it has taken years to get to 15k then look at ways of possibly increasing your knowledge and income. The more you LEARN the more you tend to EARN. I have friends working 3 jobs and they do not even come close to what I make. If you can grow your income then you can start plowing it into investments to offset the high taxes.
If you make 50k a year and you need 38k to survive it will be very hard for you to get going and your equity growth will have to come from doing deals. You can buy holds and hope for equity growth but residential at the smaller price points the cycle is tapped out from years ago. You could buy and do repairs for a rental and try to get sweat equity that way. Hopefully the real estate investments will eventually get you to where you do not need overtime or multiple jobs and can replace that with RE income.
- 11yScott TrenchPro MemberRental Property Investor · Denver, CO · Member since 2014 · 2k+ posts · 6k+ votes
Sounds like a "cash flow negative spouse"...
I'd meet her halfway. Everything in your life is shared as a marriage right? It's both of your money, and you should have equal sway in the decision making process. If neither of you will budge on your goals, then split the dollar amount right down the middle or come to some sort of other agreement
There are also creative ways to get everything for both of you if you can come up with them. Why don't you make some of the home improvements yourself, line up an awesome (but budget) vacation, and see if you can't get her some great deals on the accessories she wants.
Finally, why not demonstrate WHY you want to invest - as in hey honey we won't have to go to work, junior can go to college for free, and we can travel year round in just X years if we make these basic changes.. you may actually be able to sway her to your line of thinking if you can paint a clear vision.
As @Jeremiah B. stated there needs to be some general financial common ground.
What is your investment strategy - buy and hold or flip?
If you can get your alignment a little closer - it will likely never be 100% - I think a compromise is possible.
I would agree to something small probably a minor home improvement or some clothes/shoes. Assuming the car is just a want - I would push back on that. If she is willing to wait on a nice vacation - I would agree to it in the future once there are real estate profits to fund it.
Doing improvements for your home will help you build your network of contractors for real estate investing. If they are something that could increase the value of the home and you could use a HELOC for investment financing - you could be able to take out a similar amount of equity as your home improvement expenses. However I would personally want to have a couple successful deals before putting my primary residence at risk.
- Investor · Singapore · Member since 2013 · 1k+ posts · 3k+ votes11y
If you are married, your life is like a boat. If you dont row in the same direction you will not get anywhere and worst case you flip over and drown. Thats not to say you dont have disagreements about money sometimes. But if you are not both aligned in where you want your life to be, its not a good situation for the relationship or each of you individually. Apparently money issues are the number one cause of divorce. And I think giving a spouse an "allowance" is really demeaning and treats them like a child rather than an equal partner. The only investment you should be making is in good counselling!
- Bedford, NH · Member since 2012 · 2k+ posts · 1k+ votes11y
Also, keep in mind that while you did the extra OT and landscaping work, unless you have no family responsibilities, that extra time away from home by you made life harder for her. So while you earned the money, she does have a right to think of it as "our" money, not "your" money.
So you need to convince her. I rather doubt "taking control" will work in your situation.
- Investor · Mission, TX · Member since 2014 · 117 posts · 40 votes11y
I truly feel your pain. I impotently watched as my wife spent our investment returns of 1500$ per month over a 12 year period. You gotta fight the good fight now and attempt to create a way whereby investment money/ returns get re-invested. Gotta try the win=win argument. Good luck. It took me 12 years.
- Investor · Riverside, CA · Member since 2014 · 351 posts · 220 votes11y
I have completed 12 flips and have 3 sfr's we rent, I invest full time and every time a big check $50,000+ goes in the account the wife is happy. On the other side of that..... every time one that is just half that size goes out she loses it. The first few months I took it personally and some kind of an argument would happen.
Enough of my problems....... include her, use her input, allow her some "ownership" in the deal. Let her be the shining star and you be the worker bee. Some people have no contact with a "rich uncle." Take your rich uncle to dinner and have him lay out his plan for retirement.
Remember one of the first rules of sales, people won't buy what they don't understand. My guess is that your wife is different. In time, my wife will know we are doing the right thing but it's her nature to question..... it's been hard for me to grow up and understand that is the gift she brings to our deals.
By the way I have not lost any of our money yet! The funny thing is she looks at me when I say that and says, "But you said we would make X amount!" I just ask her, "Why are you suprised we haven't lost any money?" Treat your wife like an investment partner. In the end, she will respect you more and a happy wife = a happy life. Good luck!
Jim
It took me while for me to convince my wife, but now I feel like we have same goal. I think you need to define your goals and go over the goals with your wife. Otherwise she has no incentive to get into REI. When we got married, shopping was my wife's priority. I have nothing against this but when expense > > revenue, things can go down south quickly. Through continuous emphasizes on what's at stake, my wife finally realized the importance of frugal lifestyle. Nowadays, she is the one to suggest listening to biggerpocket podcast!
- Real Estate Broker · Canton, GA · Member since 2010 · 15k+ posts · 11k+ votes11y
Everything is a balance within your current means.
Example if you make 50,000 a year income then spending to go on 3 vacations a year for 15,000,loading up on CC debt, buying new toys, etc. is irresponsible.
If you are making 300,000 a year and going on 3 vacations and buying a few fun things you still should have a bunch left over to invest and keep growing.
300k at 20% lifestyle is 60k.
500k a year 20% is a 100k a year lifestyle.
As your money grows you can keep moving it up. I find people with a lot of money though once you hit so many vacations and eating out there should be just more and more money snowballing to keep investing.
- Philly Burbs, PA · Member since 2015 · 338 posts · 133 votes11y
Hell, I've got 2, Current (D) and Ex (C). But last year (C) was Current, and (D) was EX, and 6 years ago D. was in, and C. was out, But before I ever met D., C had been my Ex like 3-4 times over the past 30 years.
Sound confusing?
Now I'm trying to buy a big industrial building in C's hometown, and D is freaking out at me because everyone we meet has C's last name, or is some relation to C by marriage. It even turns out that the Realtor is married to C's cousin.
Things were kinda calmed down, but last night coming home from a meeting, we got in a slow moving construction zone on the turnpike, and there were about 10 dump trucks lined up to get loaded, and they all had C's last name on them in big letters. Somehow that was my fault.,,,,,,,,,
- 11yLinda WeygantPro MemberInvestor and CPA · Arvada, CO · Member since 2015 · 2k+ posts · 3k+ votes
Originally posted by @Joe Cummings:
...
Things were kinda calmed down, but last night coming home from a meeting, we got in a slow moving construction zone on the turnpike, and there were about 10 dump trucks lined up to get loaded, and they all had C's last name on them in big letters. Somehow that was my fault.,,,,,,,,,
Seriously laughed out loud at work. My cubemates think I'm crazy.
- Loyalhanna, PA · Member since 2015 · 1 post · 0 votes11y
Currently I am using the money in my IRA to invest in real estate. Being since it is a investment property within my IRA my IRA owns it. My girlfriend presently does not care and she hates that I spend time working my regular job and than I spend it working on real estate. The only way I try to explain it to her is eventually I want to be able to quit my regular job and work real estate so I will eventually have more time for her. To do that I would like to get 20 rental properties that cash flow 200 per month. Same concept of getting out of the rat race on the Rich Dad Cash Flow 101 game.
I don't think she will ever be interested in in looking at properties or rate of return or comparing a CAP Rate of 12 vs 14 % but I want to be able to prove to her that I made it and I was successful with what I was doing.
- Realtor · Detroit, MI · Member since 2015 · 211 posts · 104 votes11yAsk her does she want to live ok now or best as possible later. Its hard for people to understand the investment process but explain to her it will be worth the wait and compromise give her a vacation I'm sure she'd like that and then won't bother you.
- Investor · Honolulu, HI · Member since 2013 · 3k+ posts · 1k+ votes11y
Originally posted by @John Goodall:
Currently I am using the money in my IRA to invest in real estate. Being since it is a investment property within my IRA my IRA owns it. My girlfriend presently does not care and she hates that I spend time working my regular job and than I spend it working on real estate. The only way I try to explain it to her is eventually I want to be able to quit my regular job and work real estate so I will eventually have more time for her. To do that I would like to get 20 rental properties that cash flow 200 per month. Same concept of getting out of the rat race on the Rich Dad Cash Flow 101 game.
I don't think she will ever be interested in in looking at properties or rate of return or comparing a CAP Rate of 12 vs 14 % but I want to be able to prove to her that I made it and I was successful with what I was doing.
Tell her she can be on board or on the dock. Then show her this.. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iQNdi-fRExc
- Philly Burbs, PA · Member since 2015 · 338 posts · 133 votes11y
- Real Estate Broker · Canton, GA · Member since 2010 · 15k+ posts · 11k+ votes11y
I just call it "mad money".
I let her do whatever she wants with it. Doesn't have to make sense to me what it is spent on. That is half the fun is that no conditions are tied to it.
- Investor · Thermopolis, WY · Member since 2012 · 4k+ posts · 4k+ votes11y
Wow @Stephen Dominick, tough thing to figure out. First thing you know your wife better than any of us. What worked for us might not work for you. I think it's great if your wife jumps in and is on board but it doesn't always happen that way. For me love doesn't mean doing every thing your mate wants you to do, nor does it mean her doing every thing you want. Try to find a middle if you can. My wife and I differ very fundamentally on investments. She does not believe in investing she believes everything should go into the bank so its safe. (Depression era folks) I believe in making your money work for you. We have had some pretty good disagreements but usually work through them. Make sure she knows you love her and you are doing this because its the right thing to do. It may sound sexist, sorry, but I view my role is making sure her and the family are well cared for. Financial security is part of my job, like being the nurturer was her job for the children. Its not that way for everyone but it was for us. Despite her beliefs and fear of taking out loans I have bought a lot of property over the years. Some deals were OK some were great. The good deals really help when you get them, but they are rare. Be as open and as honest as you can and compromise within reason, but if you lose an arm or leg next year how will you provide for your family? Thinking ahead is your job. there is no magic recipe, go slow but sure and work hard at getting good investments your family depends on you to take care of them now and later. Good luck.
Have her go with you to volunteer or visit at a local retirement home some Sunday afternoon. Not one of the fancy ones, one where most of the residents are on government assistance. Don't say "this is where we will be if we don't buy rental houses". Just let her figure it out for herself.
People do not change their minds, they make a new decision based on new information.
Good Luck
- Investor · west seneca, NY · Member since 2014 · 376 posts · 211 votes11y
most of the replies here seem to say " show her the way". my answer is kind of a compromise. 15k is a decent amount to save and reinvest. however, you can find a deal that will allow you to get your start and maybe still appease the wife too. you have to get the wife on your side. no successful man in history did it without a good woman backing him up. find out from the wife which of those " desires" is most important to her. probably the shoes. buy her those. find a house deal that fits into the remainder of your funds and will ultimately get you on the road to success. i personally have found and bought a couple of houses for less that $2000 and fixed them up, resold them for a decent profit. that profit is by no means an amount that made me rich, but it set me on the right path to continue on that path
- Atlanta, GA · Member since 2015 · 24 posts · 15 votes11y
I'm going to give it to you straight, just like other BP members have already. I'm going through similar situation at the very moment with my wife. " JUST DO IT" she will benefit from what you doing now, just make sure you cross all of you ts and dot all of your I. DO NOT GO TO YOUR GRAVE WISHING THAT I SHOULD OF, COULD OF, WOULD OF. I'm sure she loves you, and she is going to love you even more when she see what you have done for your future. Wish you the best
Happy Investing
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