Grove City, PA · Member since 2019 · 21 posts · 26 votes
I've searched around the forums looking for someone in a similar situation but it seems like not many are where I'm at.
I'm 21 years old and just recently got engaged. I don't yet have any investment properties. I know the saying "happy wife, happy life" and I don't want to start our future together on a bad note. She is very adamant on buying a nice pristine house (small starter houses) that range anywhere from $100,000-$200,000. I'm listening to as many podcast episodes here on BP as I can to try and find new ways to invest and also give her what she wants but she won't budge. I've mentioned live-in flips, house hacking, and just plain old rentals. But it seems that every "solution" that I offer is combatted with another reason that we shouldn't.
She's saying that we are too young (she is 21 as well) and although I know that REI takes time, what better time than when we're both young to formulate a plan, and put it into action? Soon (but not too soon) kids will be thrown into the mix and I fear that they will just be an excuse to put off investing further and further until I get stuck in a situation where investing just won't be feasible.
I just spent my down payment for a house on a ring and now we are planning a wedding so I have time to work her into the idea of investing. This also gives me time to learn more and more about investing before starting out. I'm keeping my mind open to the fact that it may be some time before we are able to save enough to get into our first property. But I want to get her on board with investing before the time comes where we are searching for a house.
Anyone have any advice on ways to go about talking to her? ANYTHING helps.
I've searched around the forums looking for someone in a similar situation but it seems like not many are where I'm at.
I'm 21 years old and just recently got engaged. I don't yet have any investment properties. I know the saying "happy wife, happy life" and I don't want to start our future together on a bad note. She is very adamant on buying a nice pristine house (small starter houses) that range anywhere from $100,000-$200,000. I'm listening to as many podcast episodes here on BP as I can to try and find new ways to invest and also give her what she wants but she won't budge. I've mentioned live-in flips, house hacking, and just plain old rentals. But it seems that every "solution" that I offer is combatted with another reason that we shouldn't.
She's saying that we are too young (she is 21 as well) and although I know that REI takes time, what better time than when we're both young to formulate a plan, and put it into action? Soon (but not too soon) kids will be thrown into the mix and I fear that they will just be an excuse to put off investing further and further until I get stuck in a situation where investing just won't be feasible.
I just spent my down payment for a house on a ring and now we are planning a wedding so I have time to work her into the idea of investing. This also gives me time to learn more and more about investing before starting out. I'm keeping my mind open to the fact that it may be some time before we are able to save enough to get into our first property. But I want to get her on board with investing before the time comes where we are searching for a house.
Anyone have any advice on ways to go about talking to her? ANYTHING helps.
Thank you for taking time to look over my post,
D'Andre
D'Andre, here's something I always ask about situations like these:
Have you asked her what HER strategy for the financial health of your family entails? Does she have a plan? Is her plan to live in a nice starter home that keeps up with the Joneses and drive nice new starter cars that keep with the Joneses and have expenses that keep up with the Joneses as you both strive and strive to provide more income to keep up with the Joneses...and that you do these things as you expand the Byers family, member by member, and grow the Byers budget, lifestyle-creep-expense by lifestyle-creep-expense?
Because if that's what she wants out of life, I can give you the names of a dozen broke-a$$ simps in their forties with wives just like that.
I wish I had some advice for you. I was in the same boat. Wife has no retirement plan set up at all. She didn’t want me to buy my long term rentals(I have two). I’m now looking to start with some short term rentals. She’s still against it. I would rather fail trying than taking no action at all. Both my long term rentals are doing well by the way. So I guess my advice would be to do it anyways (because you need to plan for your future). And to make sure you do it right from the get go(because you don’t want to hear the blame for years to come). If you don’t know what you’re doing find someone willing to help you out.
@D'Andre Byers I was THAT wife before my husband talked some sense into me. (Lol) We are 26 and 24, so we are young too!
The problem was, I didn’t understand how it all worked and therefore it scared me to take risks with our money. It was “comfortable” for my husband to work a 9-5 job, come home at night and a paycheck that was ever present. My husband kept talking to me about investing and showing me all the benefits and I began slowly understanding a little better. One thing that really stuck out to me was that with a 9-5 job, if something were to take him early in life, I’d be left with a hefty life insurance sum, but once that money ran out, I’d need to figure out how to pay all the bills and survive. However, with investments, there would be a continual cash flow long after he was gone. Not to mention, if I had no desire to “keep” his investments that I’d have a lot of assets to sell that would also bring in more money than just a life insurance policy.
I also suggest sitting down and making a “dream” board. My “dreams” are to spend my days traveling, but my bank account said otherwise. This is what REALLY made me get on board to start investing. My husband showed me that if he worked 9-5 the rest of our lives, I’d be stuck saving money for vacation and having to work around his allotted “vacation time”. However, with investments, we are able to vacation anytime we want and we are still making money while on vacation! We just went on a 2 week vacation to Roatan, Honduras and our rental homes kept bringing in the cash. That’s the dream life! We are NO where, where we want to be, but we are making long strides to get there. We have 11 rent houses that will be paid for by the time we are in our 30s and are currently looking to expand. I hope she gets on board with you cause it will seriously change your lives!!
@D'Andre Byers one of the most important skills you can have is communication with your future wife. Everyone on here can give you a million reasons to give your fiance but if you don't show her that her opinion matters then they are for nothing.
Now is the time to learn your future wife's goals and aspirations and yes, I'll say it, her love language. Don't try forcing this down her throat. You have time, regardless of what anyone on here says. You'd be surprised how much more open she is to your ideas and goals after you spend time listening to hers. It took me a full year until my wife seemed even remotely interested in investing in real estate versus buying a new 4Runner. Be patient!
Make sure she's on board. Speaking from experience, it's not that she won't support you, but it is possible, which will eventually cause friction. My wife is what I would consider fairly supportive but doesn't quite buy into real estate, and is averse in general which creates psychological road blocks that I need to contend with. You'll have to the risk of dealing with that, committing to teaching her hoping for a conversion, or proactively choosing someone that doesn't support your dreams in a nightmare scenario.
This advice may not be extremely popular here in BP— but I would strongly encourage you to wait a full year after you get married to invest in real estate.
Focusing on being a good husband while building up your new family’s emergency fund is all I would worry about. Use that year to listen to each other, weigh the pros and cons, and seek wisdom from married couples that have invested in RE, and come to a decision after you’ve had your first anniversary. My wife is not my business partner, however, I have never made a RE investing decision without her wisdom first.
The properties will come, my friend! Enjoy that first year first.
I say put the love on hold for a year. Go for the real estate!
I'm you 20 years from now....well except I'm a woman too!
I've always naturally been a saver. My husband spends money he hasn't even thought about earning yet. When we were first married we were poor college students and couldnt afford anything. Now that we have money, he wants everything.
Through the years we slowly increased our income, and I have had to strategically save. He is good about not going over/spending over what I say- but it gets REALLY old being the only adult in the relationship. I hate that I am always the bad guy. Now that we have kids, it's even worse. For example, Joe (hubby) called me while I was still at work to ask what we were gonna do for dinner. I said look for what we have in the freezer. I could hear my daughter in the background "why did you call mommy? She always says no".... gets old really quick. My son always tells me how cheap I am.
When I look at how much we have saved, it is pitiful compared to how much we earn (mostly me bc I earn a lot more). It is frustrating feeling this constant battle. Everytime he goes to the store....I get a cold chill through my body- how much will he blow this time?
Its stressful. I feel resentful about the financial progress we have made (or rather haven't made). Sometimes I go a little nuts too and spend too much-he just tells me how much I deserve the things I buy. Sometimes I would like a partner on the same page who would tell me to remember our goals and that fancy outfit/purse/whatever isnt one of the goals.
I would highly recommend pre-marriage counseling to see if you can come to some agreements. If not buckle up for a long and bumpy road....or maybe a short one ending in divorce court.
@D'Andre Byers I’m not sure what you spent on the ring and I don’t want to know but I imagine it’s a lot. That right there isn’t a good first financial step into a marriage, in my unpopular opinion.
Next the fact that your fiancé wants that kind of house at 21 is also not a good thing.
You want to be an investor but you just blew a lot of cash on an overpriced rock and have an expensive wedding coming up. Your fiancé is likely thinking about everything else, 21 year old think about, cars, houses etc.
you’re not on the same page and you need to be on the same page financially before you get married which it’s painfully obvious you haven’t done.
You need to get financially naked with each other. Layout Debts, assets etc everything and figure out what path you want to go.
@D'Andre Byers My next project is a live in flip. Whenever a deal pops up - I send my gf a Zillow link to the BEST comp in the neighborhood. BEST meaning the granite counters, tiled bathrooms, etc ... then I ask “Hey what do you think of this?!”
Then I send the fixer upper listing and let our imaginations run for a bit ...
Now we’re both excited about the process! She’s exited for me to find the deal and we have an understanding of what we’d both like the end result to look like.
Being that your both young, she probably does not see the bigger picture with real estate at this age.
I would convince her to move into a multi family home and house hack for a year. That will get your foot in the door and will be a good compromise for both you and her.
She's not "into it." There's nothing he can do. If he marries her, he will be out making the money and she will divorce him in 5 years because she "wants him at home more." I wish I had a penny for every story I've heard like that.She doesn;'t know the value of work or money. I have no sympathy for these people because they are flat out shallow. He is just as much of a knucklehead given that his ace priority will be stymied by a non-thinker. They sound like they deserve one another.
This is not at all the case. My fiancé actually works 60+ hours a week at her job regularly. In two weeks she works more overtime than most people care to go to work. She actually works more than I do. But solely because of the fact that she just got the job a little over a year ago impedes her pay grade.
She's not "into it." There's nothing he can do. If he marries her, he will be out making the money and she will divorce him in 5 years because she "wants him at home more." I wish I had a penny for every story I've heard like that.She doesn;'t know the value of work or money. I have no sympathy for these people because they are flat out shallow. He is just as much of a knucklehead given that his ace priority will be stymied by a non-thinker. They sound like they deserve one another.
This is not at all the case. My fiancé actually works 60+ hours a week at her job regularly. In two weeks she works more overtime than most people care to go to work. She actually works more than I do. But solely because of the fact that she just got the job a little over a year ago impedes her pay grade.
Thanks for taking the time to reply!
D'Andre
Well then, you both are strong-willed. Guess you will just have to take a weekend somewhere and duke it out!
She's not "into it." There's nothing he can do. If he marries her, he will be out making the money and she will divorce him in 5 years because she "wants him at home more." I wish I had a penny for every story I've heard like that.She doesn;'t know the value of work or money. I have no sympathy for these people because they are flat out shallow. He is just as much of a knucklehead given that his ace priority will be stymied by a non-thinker. They sound like they deserve one another.
This is not at all the case. My fiancé actually works 60+ hours a week at her job regularly. In two weeks she works more overtime than most people care to go to work. She actually works more than I do. But solely because of the fact that she just got the job a little over a year ago impedes her pay grade.
She's not "into it." There's nothing he can do. If he marries her, he will be out making the money and she will divorce him in 5 years because she "wants him at home more." I wish I had a penny for every story I've heard like that.She doesn;'t know the value of work or money. I have no sympathy for these people because they are flat out shallow. He is just as much of a knucklehead given that his ace priority will be stymied by a non-thinker. They sound like they deserve one another.
This is not at all the case. My fiancé actually works 60+ hours a week at her job regularly. In two weeks she works more overtime than most people care to go to work. She actually works more than I do. But solely because of the fact that she just got the job a little over a year ago impedes her pay grade.
Thanks for taking the time to reply!
D'Andre
Seems like she's into her job, not teaming up.
Or saving for a wedding. But to each their own.
Glad to hear she's a worker then. I've met a lot of guys who worked and built good businesses but the wives divorced them cuz they "weren't home enough." GL.
Hi D'Andre, and congratulations! Try to explain your vision and motives to her and show her what you want out of this and life.
Does she understand or agree with it? Does she know why you think investing is so important to you? Are you doing it so you can roll around in cash (unrealistic), or so that you can spend more time with each other since you won't have to work 80 hours/week?
On the other hand, you've really got to ask her what her vision is, and what she also wants out of life. If you two will be getting married, you both need to understand that you're agreeing to grow and change together from this point forward.
If she doesn't understand why this is so important to you, it's your responsibility to clearly communicate your wants/needs so that she gains better perspective.
Learn to cook with the ingredients your wife gives you.
Maybe she refuses to live in a fixer upper or duplex. Lots of people do. But you can buy an entry level home, then move out and rent it. You can do that over and over and build a nice portfolio. All the while, living it up like a “normal” family.
Accept her goals and find a way to fit yours In as well. Good luck!
It seems that no one here wants to point out that you just spent your down payment for a house on a ring. If you don’t see it yet, you will. Sorry. Been there. Done that. Got the shirt. My apologies if you are offended. But truth is better than fiction.
@D'Andre Byers how serious is she about the family financial well being? Keeping up with the jonessness will suck you dry until it burys you! Let her know that this is something that you will not budge on!
She's not "into it." There's nothing he can do. If he marries her, he will be out making the money and she will divorce him in 5 years because she "wants him at home more." I wish I had a penny for every story I've heard like that.She doesn;'t know the value of work or money. I have no sympathy for these people because they are flat out shallow. He is just as much of a knucklehead given that his ace priority will be stymied by a non-thinker. They sound like they deserve one another.
This is not at all the case. My fiancé actually works 60+ hours a week at her job regularly. In two weeks she works more overtime than most people care to go to work. She actually works more than I do. But solely because of the fact that she just got the job a little over a year ago impedes her pay grade.
Thanks for taking the time to reply!
D'Andre
Seems like she's into her job, not teaming up.
Or saving for a wedding. But to each their own.
Just curious but is there a reason why you couldn't hold the wedding at a family member's house, church, etc. and do it for the cost of basically some flowers and catering? I've known people to do weddings for a few thousand dollars. And buy a ring without an actual diamond for the symbolism and get the big rock 20 years from now when you own several properties and are a millionaire?
It just doesn't seem like the actions add up to the dream IMO
I've searched around the forums looking for someone in a similar situation but it seems like not many are where I'm at.
I'm 21 years old and just recently got engaged. I don't yet have any investment properties. I know the saying "happy wife, happy life" and I don't want to start our future together on a bad note. She is very adamant on buying a nice pristine house (small starter houses) that range anywhere from $100,000-$200,000. I'm listening to as many podcast episodes here on BP as I can to try and find new ways to invest and also give her what she wants but she won't budge. I've mentioned live-in flips, house hacking, and just plain old rentals. But it seems that every "solution" that I offer is combatted with another reason that we shouldn't.
She's saying that we are too young (she is 21 as well) and although I know that REI takes time, what better time than when we're both young to formulate a plan, and put it into action? Soon (but not too soon) kids will be thrown into the mix and I fear that they will just be an excuse to put off investing further and further until I get stuck in a situation where investing just won't be feasible.
I just spent my down payment for a house on a ring and now we are planning a wedding so I have time to work her into the idea of investing. This also gives me time to learn more and more about investing before starting out. I'm keeping my mind open to the fact that it may be some time before we are able to save enough to get into our first property. But I want to get her on board with investing before the time comes where we are searching for a house.
Anyone have any advice on ways to go about talking to her? ANYTHING helps.
Thank you for taking time to look over my post,
D'Andre
My wife never cared about money before we got married and she never will. It's how she is. We talked about what is allowed in the marriage and what isn't before walking down the isle. Thus, we went into the marriage knowing that my focus is on money. Her focus is on kids and other things.
I haven't read through this thread so this might be answered already, but it sounds like you both haven't sat down and laid down some ground rules before marriage.
I know women that complain their man isn't working enough. I know women that complain their man is never home because he is busy making money.
Sit down with her, tell her this is what you want to do, come to some agreements, and live a happy life. You don't have to buy low quality property and live in it to get started. Get a decent house like she wants and start investing.
I was hesitant to get into rentals and my my husband was the driver. We did as Theresa mentioned and that felt less risky for me (renting out our first home). Once I saw how it all worked and we had a stable tenant it made sense. Usually one partner is more risk adverse than the other so you just need to be patient and ease into it. There is likely a fear driving her thoughts that will need to be addressed/relieved for her to come on board :) Talking to others who are doing it helps too! Definitely think of your first purchase as a future rental.
I got this out of a book about 35 years ago called 'OBSESSION'. Unfortunaley, the book is no longer in print and I have been looking for a used copy.
Most often, the best thing for relationships is when each person is totally independent and can live without the other; the reason being that you want to be in love with each other, but not be needy of each other. I believe the perfect relationship is when each person can do their own 'thing' without the other partner criticizing or interfering.
When a married couple is about the same age, have about the same education and the same business interests this can be a formula for a disaster because then the couple argues about every detail and they blame each other.
The perfect mate is someone who is totally happy with or without you, is totally financially independent and does not need one penny of your money to live with or without you and someone who is a survivor and can do very well should your relationship break apart. This is the ideal person because she (if a she) is not a needy person and she stays with you because she wants to enjoy her life with you.
It may seem like it would be more 'loving' for a wife to want to be part of your business adventures, but mixing your relationship with business can be a disaster when someone makes a mistake and one starts blaming the other. Making your wife a part of the business can sometimes make a person more-independent so that if something happens to the relationship she is better off, or it can be worse for your wife because she may not be pursuing her business dreams and she is not building the experience she will need should the relationship fall apart.
IMO, I prefer to keep my spouse out of my business so that we don't argue and we don't blame each other for mistakes. I prefer to let her polish her toenails 24/7 if that is what she wants to do because I don't want to be her boss. I don't want to 'TELL' her what to do at any time. I don't want to be a 'controller'.
Regardless of all the b.s., my wife works her butt off. For several years, I went bicycle right almost 200 miles every week and she never seemed interested. Then, one day I took her with me and we ride 50 to 100 miles every week.
My wife never took any interest in my plumbing business not my real estate for about 10 years. Then, one day she decided to go to one of my apartment building and she fell in love with the plants and she started fairly large vegetable gardens at 3 buildings. Now, she manages about 140 units and she works gets up at 5 am and does not come back until 6 to 7 pm.
The strangest part? I never ever asked my wife to help me, but without her help I would probably sell all my rental properties.
One more super critical thing about relationship is money and material things. Sorry, buy I cannot live with someone who thinks material things makes people happy. My wife and I live in a commercial building built in 1904. We have concrete floors, zero furniture and we have two children who live in offices with only a mattress set and office desks. I've been with my wife for 22 years and we have never ever talked about purchasing something we want i.e. a nice Apple phone, or a tablet, or TV, or vehicle because we are very frugal with our money. We are simple and not materialistic.
But, the problem with most marriages is; one spouse (usually the male) corrupts his partner by buying wedding rings, having an expensive wedding party, buying birthday presents, Christmas presents, etc.. Husbands train their wives to be materialistic. I untrained my wife and my family. The biggest birthday party we ever had did not cost more than $50 and we will buy only one gift when we know that the person actually wants and needs that gift. So, by not spoiling my family, in the first place, I have not built their expectations to be showered with senseless gifts. I just had my 70th birthday party about 4 week ago and my wife bought a $10 cake. No card. Nothing! And I love it because I only through a $5 card in the trash and I know she gets tired and hates to shop.
Train your family in the beginning. Be frugal with your money and be you own independent boss. You do with your money what you want. She can use her money for what she wants. I don't believe a couple has to pool their money together to have a successful relationship. If you don't have enough money to invest the way you want then don't invest until you get your own money. Live in an apartment and share the rent until you have your own money. But, don't get married with the expectation that your wife want to be your business partner.
So I am just going to post a very stubborn woman’s opinion in this situation 😅 me being the stubborn one.
Also, my husband and I are very independent of each other. We both have our individual ambitions and our own businesses but we rarely listen to each other because we are both stubborn and have our own ideas on how our businesses should be ran. We have both found a compromise and understand how to communicate with each other after a long three years. You guys can do it too!
With that being said here are some tips on how to make your fiancé interested in real estate investing. I would start with the conversation about money management. There are a ton of places to start! Dave Ramsey, the bigger pockets money podcast, rich dad poor dad... the list can go on and on. Also, try introducing her to inspirational women. Rachel Hollis is a great example! She has books and a podcasts. Also introduce her to Marie forleo and a podcast called the often ambitious. Unfortunately, most women only like to listen to women who have hustled and who have a system that is working for them. Starting with money management can really help tie in the benefits of REI. The idea is to save up and have enough to retire early. These resources will help her understand why it is important to you. Pitch it as "working for a few short years so we can sustain you being a full time mom" (if that is what she wants) or "a way we can travel and not be tied down" point of view. Find out what her goals are in life and figure out how real estate can tie into her goals.
When you are dealing with a significant other that is unsupportive it can be so so draining on your soul so also remember to take care of yourself and not let your dreams dwindle. She will come around.
Also, if she needs someone out reach out to she can always talk with me. I flip houses for a living so I know a thing or two about jumping into something that can seem unpredictable.
@D'Andre Byers ask you future wife as many questions as possible about your long term future together. How would life be if we were mortgage free by 24? 21 is a great age to get started in real estate. I was 24 when my wife and I purchased our first house. A fixer upper- she was a skeptic, and so was her mother. After the house was rehabbed and our equity was increased by $80k both of their mindsets started to shift. The long term plan and goals helped me/ us see that some short term sacrifice would pay off big in the long term.