Grove City, PA · Member since 2019 · 21 posts · 26 votes
I've searched around the forums looking for someone in a similar situation but it seems like not many are where I'm at.
I'm 21 years old and just recently got engaged. I don't yet have any investment properties. I know the saying "happy wife, happy life" and I don't want to start our future together on a bad note. She is very adamant on buying a nice pristine house (small starter houses) that range anywhere from $100,000-$200,000. I'm listening to as many podcast episodes here on BP as I can to try and find new ways to invest and also give her what she wants but she won't budge. I've mentioned live-in flips, house hacking, and just plain old rentals. But it seems that every "solution" that I offer is combatted with another reason that we shouldn't.
She's saying that we are too young (she is 21 as well) and although I know that REI takes time, what better time than when we're both young to formulate a plan, and put it into action? Soon (but not too soon) kids will be thrown into the mix and I fear that they will just be an excuse to put off investing further and further until I get stuck in a situation where investing just won't be feasible.
I just spent my down payment for a house on a ring and now we are planning a wedding so I have time to work her into the idea of investing. This also gives me time to learn more and more about investing before starting out. I'm keeping my mind open to the fact that it may be some time before we are able to save enough to get into our first property. But I want to get her on board with investing before the time comes where we are searching for a house.
Anyone have any advice on ways to go about talking to her? ANYTHING helps.
I've searched around the forums looking for someone in a similar situation but it seems like not many are where I'm at.
I'm 21 years old and just recently got engaged. I don't yet have any investment properties. I know the saying "happy wife, happy life" and I don't want to start our future together on a bad note. She is very adamant on buying a nice pristine house (small starter houses) that range anywhere from $100,000-$200,000. I'm listening to as many podcast episodes here on BP as I can to try and find new ways to invest and also give her what she wants but she won't budge. I've mentioned live-in flips, house hacking, and just plain old rentals. But it seems that every "solution" that I offer is combatted with another reason that we shouldn't.
She's saying that we are too young (she is 21 as well) and although I know that REI takes time, what better time than when we're both young to formulate a plan, and put it into action? Soon (but not too soon) kids will be thrown into the mix and I fear that they will just be an excuse to put off investing further and further until I get stuck in a situation where investing just won't be feasible.
I just spent my down payment for a house on a ring and now we are planning a wedding so I have time to work her into the idea of investing. This also gives me time to learn more and more about investing before starting out. I'm keeping my mind open to the fact that it may be some time before we are able to save enough to get into our first property. But I want to get her on board with investing before the time comes where we are searching for a house.
Anyone have any advice on ways to go about talking to her? ANYTHING helps.
Thank you for taking time to look over my post,
D'Andre
D'Andre, here's something I always ask about situations like these:
Have you asked her what HER strategy for the financial health of your family entails? Does she have a plan? Is her plan to live in a nice starter home that keeps up with the Joneses and drive nice new starter cars that keep with the Joneses and have expenses that keep up with the Joneses as you both strive and strive to provide more income to keep up with the Joneses...and that you do these things as you expand the Byers family, member by member, and grow the Byers budget, lifestyle-creep-expense by lifestyle-creep-expense?
Because if that's what she wants out of life, I can give you the names of a dozen broke-a$$ simps in their forties with wives just like that.
Tell her to read Brandon Turner’s No or Little Money Down Investing! I’m just now starting and I have 5 kids. You guys are in a great position to start now. There are so many options and ideas for the position you guys are in. Good luck!
I'll just say that I would want someone who is 100% on board with where I'm going and what I'm doing. Business is hard enough man. Do you really think you're going to be able to combat the challenges of business + life and resist her influence?
@D'Andre Byers I’m in the same boat and something I learned is to play into her needs first. Also, my wife has zero interest in real estate so I try to keep my real estate talk to a minimum until the offer is ready to go in. Since many contracts don’t get accepted i just give her a small heads up. If it goes under contract I gradually get her involved without getting her hopes up.
1. Find out all the reasons why she does not want to invest in real estate. May have go to pre marriage counseling.
2. If it turns out she is afraid you may lose the initial capital investment, find out the reason:
2.1 she does not have your knowledge hence she lacks your confidence. She should then want to learn so she can fully understand the man she will marry. If she refuses to learn, don’t marry her.
2.2 she wants the money to be spent on other things, such as the engagement ring and buying the ‘forever’ home. Neither will build a solid financial future.
2.3 she does not believe in you. Run.
3. Get it out of your head that you can make her do anything or turn her around. You cannot make anyone do anything. People have free will. You can persuade and inspire but there has to be a desire to learn and sacrifice short term gratification to build generational wealth.
4. Money and finances are in the top 3 reasons marriages fall apart.
5. Buy, read and apply Never Split the difference by Chris Voss.
Obviously, any responses to your questions are entirely dependent upon your location. I began investing in real estate over 40 years ago, when I was 18 years old. I now own over 500 properties.
From personal experience, if you’re buying pristine homes, homes that you’d be willing to live in yourself, you’re investing in the wrong neighborhoods. I’ve never paid much more than $50,000 for any of my single-family homes, many for much less. If your investing approach is to only buy new or pristine homes, generally you’re forgoing immediate positive cash flow for the hope of appreciation 15-, 20-, or 30-years down the road and mortgage-free rental income.
For example, I still own my first two properties - a duplex and a single-family home in Hampton, Virginia, near Hampton University. The 30-year mortgages were paid off just 10 years ago. While the tenants’ rents covered the mortgage, taxes, insurance and repairs, I didn’t realize any material positive cash flows until after the mortgage was paid in full, plus I now own mortgage free asset that appreciated significantly in value. Plus there were definite tax incentives along the way. Not bad Investments, but I learned over time that immediate positive cash flow was the name of the game. Banks will focus on your cash flow when applying for investment loans, which is important to expanding your portfolio of investments properties. Real estate investing is like following a cooking recipe. Follow and repeating the recipe will usually produce success.
With that said, there’s also the personal investment considerations - your family. Much more important than than the technical process of real estate investing. It’s is critical that you and your future spouse are like-minded when investing in real estate or any other business venture; otherwise, it will rip your relationship apart. For any successful venture, it requires hard work. Real estate is no exception.
You mention future children as being a potential obstacle or hindrance to investing in real estate. I advise young couples to invest in a single-family rental home on the occasion of each child’s birth. By doing so, your child’s college education will be guaranteed to be paid for in full via the rental revenues. Moreover, if you want your children to drive Porsches while in college, buy a second rental home when they are born.
I hope you find this information somewhat helpful.
Perhaps you could view buying that first house now when interest rates are low as forced savings for your future investments. After a few years of paying the mortgage you can get a cash out refinance and use that money to make your next move. Just make sure you slow roll on the kids because they are quite expensive!
@D'Andre Byers Buy her the house she wants now and then start working your investment plan. If you don’t buy her that home there’s a good chance the home she wants will double in size soon and cost you 2x as much.
I didn’t read all of the replies, but I’m sure somebody mentioned house hacking. Where you guys buy a duplex, triplex, or quad and you live in one unit and rent out the others. This way if the numbers rack out correctly, the units will be paying the whole mortgage and you guys could live rent/mortgage free or maybe pay a very little portion vs. a whole mortgage! Def worth looking into and when bringing the fact that you may not have a mortgage payment but a sweet place to live, may be very enticing!
I did have the same issue, my wife was afraid of the risk, but once I was able to explain the amount of money, over time, that we would make and how it would expedite our financial goals she def warmed up! My wife wanted to volunteer in hospice and by not working she could, so I framed it with her volunteering in mind! Def might not be over night, but I hope she comes around. Have her check out this site with female REIs - http://Realestateinvestorgoddesses.com.
@D'Andre Byers I’m with @Jim K. It sounds like you have a great partner in life, but you’re looking for someone to be a partner in business as well. This is a very rare thing due to common conditioning and our school systems.
Definitely have a talk with your grandpa, I believe it was. This could have an impact, but it’s important to understand where that pull towards mediocrity is coming from, which is likely the fiancé’s family.
I always pint people to Mr. Wonderful’s, Kevin O’Leary, interview on the Rich Dad Radio Show. Listen to what he told the 19 year old who asked for his advice.
Well, let me tell you how I got into this amazing world! My husband and I got married at 19 years old (both) I was almost graduating from College in our Country (Dominican Republic). I studied to be a Vet my passion are the animals, but when I had to move here to validate my title here was so expensive and lot more money. My husband said to me “why you don’t study to get the real estate license ?” When he talked about that for me he was talking in Chinese I wouldn’t understand even what RE means.
So he explains to me that all those rich peoples lives through real estate... I started doing my own research because I love my relationship and I wanted to be in the same page as my husband, because when you get married is not just to live with someone is to walk in the same direction and try to support each other.
Now we are 23 and we’re a third party seller on amazon, with a brand growing and the next year all the income our amazon shops produce will be toward our RE Investments.
So if she wants to be with you and want to build an empire she will be in the same page as you sooner than later. Just let her know your vision and the game plan you have to achieve those goals, also ask her what she thinks about it.
Suggest a fixer upper.... but not as an investment, as a custom home with walls and floors of your choices. Something she has input on.
You still get the benefits but without the big cloud over head. You still know if done right you will make money and be able to sell or refi right which will allow for a nice home and possible investment money at same time.
I purchaced a hubzu house for 72 and was all in for 100. Sold for 140 after 2 years tax free!
This topic pops up every few months. My wife was not on board she did not understand had fears, the risks, plus unwilling to listen or study up.
I had been studying on the topic for several years, after the crash of 2008 I had some money pop up. I went shopping bought a HUD home then another HUD without her blessing she freaked out but got over it after she saw me put our kids through a state college.
I agree with many of these perspectives. I would get her involved in the podcast, listen together. Make it a date night! Focus on ones that highlight the financial freedom aspect of the process. You guys are the perfect age to do this before kids!! Once they come it is harder to house hack or live in a construction zone. Find out what her resistance is to your plan and of course see if there is any compromising. Maybe not a complete fixer upper but something the numbers will work for and she can tolerate the chaos.
I wish I started with my husband when I was 21, we would be retired by now! Biggerpockets money show has many female speakers with their perspective on raising a family and investing in real estate.
My wife was also not on board at first, she saw this as too much hassle for us, our 2 kids, and our 2 dogs. I've been slowly winning her over the past three months but it finally hit home last week when we did an exercise borrowed from the bp money podcast. We each made a list of the 10 things that brought us the most joy in life then came together and talked about them.
It was quickly apparent that not many things cost money and the size of our home was not on the list but doing home projects was. Now we are committed to buying a flip to live in as well as rentals to sustain income so we can spend more time together as a family. The proof was in the end goal.
Hi! As an middle age woman who has been married and divorced, I would say that before you get married you really need to talk about what you both want in life and which direction you both want to go and how you plan to get there. If she is not on board with your ideas she may never be and you will either have to be happy with that or your dreams may be put aside, or maybe you need to both wait to get married. As you mentioned you are both still very young and you have your whole lives to get married . Once kids come you will not have an easier time trying to get ahead financially. I am telling you this because I have had my ideas and dreams crushed by my previous husband because our ideas were different. You are so young . Chase your dreams now , get married later!!
There are a lot of replies here but here are my two cents as a soon-to-be-divorced entrepreneur and real estate investor.
If you have a big vision for your life, it is SO important that your partner be able to support you in it. Otherwise, the struggle and friction will wear you down, day after day, year after year, so that you will become both very unhappy and locked into THEIR limited way of life.
Most people, by definition, are average: they have average incomes, lots of consumer debt, and are not financially free. They prefer the comfort and so-called stability of a 9-5 job, a big house, and living their life just like everyone else. By your striving for something greater, it's a threat to the average person's way of life. Most people, aka the "average" person, is resistant to change (even good change) and prefers to keep their fears and limitations instead of pushing past them to create success. To me, it seems that what you're talking about with your fiance is something that she simply can't understand, because it's beyond her mind's current limits.
To put it another way, if you are already receiving this much push back to something that you really want to do, think about how that will look like after many many years together. It seems to me your fiance is not someone who is willing to compromise and truly work together.
There are millions of people in this world. My advice is to find someone who will support you in your bigger vision for life and let you do the things that are meaningful and important to you. You deserve it.
I've searched around the forums looking for someone in a similar situation but it seems like not many are where I'm at.
I'm 21 years old and just recently got engaged. I don't yet have any investment properties. I know the saying "happy wife, happy life" and I don't want to start our future together on a bad note. She is very adamant on buying a nice pristine house (small starter houses) that range anywhere from $100,000-$200,000. I'm listening to as many podcast episodes here on BP as I can to try and find new ways to invest and also give her what she wants but she won't budge. I've mentioned live-in flips, house hacking, and just plain old rentals. But it seems that every "solution" that I offer is combatted with another reason that we shouldn't.
She's saying that we are too young (she is 21 as well) and although I know that REI takes time, what better time than when we're both young to formulate a plan, and put it into action? Soon (but not too soon) kids will be thrown into the mix and I fear that they will just be an excuse to put off investing further and further until I get stuck in a situation where investing just won't be feasible.
I just spent my down payment for a house on a ring and now we are planning a wedding so I have time to work her into the idea of investing. This also gives me time to learn more and more about investing before starting out. I'm keeping my mind open to the fact that it may be some time before we are able to save enough to get into our first property. But I want to get her on board with investing before the time comes where we are searching for a house.
Anyone have any advice on ways to go about talking to her? ANYTHING helps.
Thank you for taking time to look over my post,
D'Andre
D'Andre, honestly, you have to try to tap into your wife-to-be mindset and her resistance to an idea she knows nothing about 🤯
The best way to prove that REI works to a spouse is to SHOW THEM. Many people say no to an idea because they have no clue about it.
You should choose a strategy and go with it, of course, asking your fiancee to give you a chance. Perhaps, a safe option might be house hacking.
Now, when you tell her about the idea make sure you don't use any fancy words, just ask questions such as babe, imagine if we don't have to pay any rent/mortgage and we can keep all of our income? Would that work for you?
I am sorry, but I disagree with almost every post. Find someone you love for what they are and want to be and find someone who loves you for what you are and what you want to be. Don't think of a mate as a crutch or a partner who is suppose to support you and help you to achieve your goals. Don't think you are god and have the right to change people because only god can change people. It has to be a marriage where you love your spouse for what she is; not what you can make her.
Why would you ever say you fall in love with the perfect wife and then want to change her to think the way you do. The best relationship is when two mates are totally independent and don't need each other. They are with you other only because they want to be and not because one supports or helps the other. I don't want a woman who needs me or wants to be with me because I am a good provider and because we can build a fortune in the future.
I want a woman who will live with me in a cardboard box on the side of a freeway ramp because she loves me or finds something fascinating about my jokes, personality or toothless smile. Then, if she wants to invest in real estate and build a fortune maybe I will help her if I feel like it, or maybe I will support her by keeping my negative opinions to myself. But, if she complains because I don't jump in head over heals to get my hands dirty then she is being needy and that is the sign of a bad relationship. Her complaining is saying that because we are together I have to want to help her and be a part of her dream.That is a bad relationship!. I want to be myself and be able to want what I want without having to feel obligated. I don't want her to make feel guilty because helping because I feel guilty will eventually destroy our relationship.
Leave your wives alone and stop trying to change and control people to fulfill your selfish dreams. If your wife takes an interest down the road then great! If not, then love her for what she is and let her be her own independent thinker.
I went bicycle riding 200 miles per week for about 10 years without my wife because she said she was not interested in that much grueling exercise. Then, one day she went with me and now she wants to ride more than I do. I am not going to lie. It is much more fun riding with her, but it would have been selfish in the beginning of our relationship to push her to ride when she did not want to. Maybe, if I pushed her to ride she would not be enjoying it so much today because when she did decide to ride it was her decision, not mine and I did not try to coerce her.
I invested in real estate for about 10 years and never talked to my wife one time about making a purchase or selling a property. Then, one day she went to help clean an apartment building and now she works at every apartment building every day. I still never discuss a purchase or a sale with my wife. She is currently in the Philippines and as soon as she comes back I am going to Arizona to look at some apartment buildings. I will mention my trip to her. I will not ask her to go with me. If she volunteers she is welcome to come. If she does not volunteer then I know she would rather stay home and polish her toenails. I love her much more for being both independent and honest. I pride myself for being independent, capable and able to go to Arizona for a week without my wife. I don't need her for a crutch and I certainly don't need her opinion when it comes to business. I can make my decisions and mistakes without her. If something goes wrong with a deal I will take 100% of the blame and I will never have to get into an argument with her because of her advice. I am 100% independent and my wife is 100% independent. Our being together has nothing to do with money, business nor materials things.
I was married to a woman who was on drugs for 18 years. I still love her just as much today as when we were married and we have been divorces for more than 22 years. For the 18 years I was with her I put her in hospitals for a month three times. I went to psychiatrists with her almost two times every week for the entire 18 years. One thing our psychiatrist kept saying over and over really scared me. It was, "If I get your wife of of drugs she will be totally different and you may not like her, any more, and if she gets off drugs she will be a different person and may not like you anymore".
I think this applies to all relationships when people claim they love each other, get married and then want to re-mold their spouse. Don't try to change your spouse and don't put pressure on your spouse to want what you want and to think like you.
At our shrink, we always discusses what 'love' is and this is applicable to wanting your wife to support you. True love does not happen in the beginning of a relationship. That is infatuation and lust. True love is a slow process and is evident when one spouse cannot take care of their self and the other spouse is willing to be by their side 24/7 to care for their spouse, wipe them, change bedpans and do whatever it takes to make their spouse comfortable and without complaining. My point; if your wife does not take an interest in what you want then maybe she has something going on inside her head where she does not have an interest. Maybe, it is some sort of mental block, or mental hangup that you cannot understand. Are you going to complain and love her any less because you know other couples who work their butts off as a team and you wife does not want to take the simpler and more stress-free roads in life.
First, congratulations! Very exciting. Just some ideas off the top of my head.
1. Get a licensed financial advisor. They will help you make a plan. You can suggest what you want to do and they will show you how to do it. You are now business partners as well as life partners. You need to treat the business like a business and a valued professional will prove essential. Also when the time comes, I am available to help you or help you find a Commercial/Investment Real Estate advisor to help you acquire/dispose of properties at the best price with the least amount of hassle.
2. Go to a "meetup" in your area for new investors. Likely there will be like minded couples that you can network with and maybe even syndicate a deal? Networking, especially with other married couples, will help influence her, or maybe even change your mind about your path. The Joneses will likely be there and she will see that most of the Joneses are heavily invested in Real Estate. It's a Jones family secret.
3. Keep sharing here. There are so many great ideas on this forum.
4. Make it romantic. Find an episode of a flip show or someone that she can model and keep it on cue for when she's in a good mood and put it on. Let it be her idea to move forward. And do not argue.
5. Couples therapy is a great luxury for couples that need help developing communication skills. It's not a sign of a failing relationship, rather, it's an important tool to establish much needed boundaries early in the marriage before there is an issue.
You guys will be fine. Just remember that you are a team, and you have to trust each other.
I started at the age of 20 and wasn’t serious for about 10 years in my investing career, now our properties are the main source of income for my wife & I. When we met I was doing it as a hobby. I was lucky I didn’t need to get her on board, but she didn’t believe it could be our sole source of income. I had to prove that to her by my ACTIONS. We had an agreed amount of time which she would be the sole income earner and if I didn’t have traction I would stop. Less than two years later I replaced her income.
Moral of my story if you have to convince her by your actions! The younger you start the better.
@D'Andre Byers wow... I don’t know you, but if you were my nephew or little brother I’d share my opinion that you are so young to consider marriage at your age.
Not going I go deeper into relationship advice, wrong forum, but I will say that in my experience it’s good for the two of you to have similar goals in mind.
A wise man said to me once “Keep in mind that there’s a difference between where you invest and where you live. They are rarely the same thing”. But I do love the idea of buying a house in need of renovation in an area where you want to live. It opens the door to force appreciation, remodel to your taste, and max out that IRS exemption for your personal residence (I’m not an accountant, but I am a a broker/investor/PM For our own properties).
Now, you asked for ideas of what to do with her... go find a few poorly executed flips in your area. Show the corners that were cut and how things only look good from 10ft away, but not up close. Then take her to some new home sites as a contrast. Finally, take her to floors and decor assuming you have one near you, Ikea, some cabinet companies, etc just so she can wrap her head around what’s involved in renovation and see if she perks up at the idea of being able to select her finishes. Use terms like “wow, those look great together, can you imagine these in a. Bath, wouldn’t it be fun to put this together... and if she comes around, you’re golden. If not... we’ll... you’ve got some decisions to make :).
This is a deep subject and doing many of the things suggested in this thread is like sticking a knife through your lover's heart and then twisting it to make sure she feels the pain.
"I really love you, Honey. At least, that is what I say when I'be been telling you every night. Before I marry you I want make sure we have the same business dreams. I don't marry you if you are going to be dead wood and shatter my dreams. To start, before I marry you I want you to know that I want to be rich and I want to make sure you are on-board with me. If you want to be married to me, I expect that you are going to have to go to my real estate club meetings and support me just like the other wives do for their husbands. Lets be honest in the beginning. I don't don't want to marry someone who does not to be rich like I want to be. So.make it really clear to me, now, Honey, or...!"
This is my translation of what I have been reading.