How to get my spouse onboard with real estate investing?

Question

Hi all, my Wife and I have been arguing about investing. I’m trying to go hard and fast and she doesn’t understand why everything has to be so quick. She doesn’t understand investing and really doesn’t want to learn. I try to educate her but she says I make her feel stupid.

Thanks in advance for any suggestions on how I can include her and get her to start enjoying it? Or at least not be so worried and stressed about it?

David

Thanks in advance for any suggestions on how I can include her and get her to start enjoying it? Or at least not be so worried and stressed about it?

David

Theresa Harris · Answer

If she doesn't want to move fast, you need to respect that. She didn't say she doesn't want to invest in real estate, rather she doesn't understand it. You do not have to move fast. Keep it simple. How involved is she with the finances overall?

Why not look at one place and see how that goes? Ask if she's willing to look at one place, if it works, try one for a year and see what she thinks. You can buy more after that.

Bruce Woodruff · Answer

She needs to realize that you have superior knowledge in this area. Doesn't mean she's stupid and you gotta be careful to not sound like that. But if you have to explain everything to her before moving forward, you will lose out on deals and just waste a lot of valuable time. She needs to trust you to move ahead on most things without being consulted.

If she is stubborn, I'd schedule an appt with a therapist or financial counselor. Once she hears them back you up, she may agree to let you make decisions until she can learn the business.

Henry Clark · Answer

Other than buying a house 90 to 95% of all people will never do REI.  Made those figures up. You get the point most people will never do it.  Forget whether it’s a good idea or not.

The reason most people will never do it is because they are 8 to 5 and I love them for that.

The next reason is they will never take the plunge and jump off the cliff.  Even most of the people who are interested in REI won’t do it.

My wife is an Accountant and doesn’t want to learn and doesn’t want to invest.  Actually after 8 years she is starting to invest.  She has me do all the work and still doesn’t want to learn but she sees the benefits.

Recommendation:  Every deal that you have done.   Every deal that you are analyzing.

A.  Run the numbers showing how great the deal is going to be.

B.  Run the numbers showing the downside risk and the key issues.

C.  Have her look at the two together and help her do a risk analysis.       She is right you’re rushing things.  In her mind.  You need to address her concerns.  Even if she disagrees with your outlook she will be more comfortable with your decision knowing you looked at the downside.      D.  In her mind it’s a zero sum game.  If you fail you loose it all.  Show her the downside.  This actually is a good excercise for you.   When we make investments we never look at just one investment, we look at several.  We pick the one with the best risk reward scenario.  .     This should be an easy ask.

Scott Mac · Answer

You could only invest your own money and be your own boss.

But she should be the boss of her own money, because if you hit a loss--you will never hear the end of it.

Let her do as she pleases with her money, maybe it will end up as a nest egg for hard times (because Hard Times always happens at some time).

But if she wants to blow it on (something like) Beanie Baby's (used to be) you might want to talk to her about that one.

Good Luck!

Lawrence Potts · Answer

@David Newfang,

That’s such a tricky situation to navigate through. I guess it really depends on your relationship…

For example, do you share your finances together? The “what’s mine is yours and yours is mine” principle? Or do you two have separate accounts?

If you have joint accounts, you both have to decide together. She may not be into numbers, she may never care for the numbers, and that’s okay. But remember what you are doing all of this for and don’t jeopardize your marriage just so you can do what you think it’s what you’re suppose to do (or what looks like you’re suppose to do because everyone else is doing it). If she can’t keep up, slow down. But I don’t know if explaining all the numbers and facts, making her read groups, setting up appointments with other people that are doing what you want, is going to convince her to keep up. Maybe she just needs to trust you more than she already does?

I’ll expand in this: the deal could be a killer deal on paper. But if she doesn’t trust you, she’ll never understand the deal. Not that she doesn’t trust you, but maybe she needs more affirmation? Maybe she is needing you to show up more in different areas and she fears that this deal will deter you further away? Is there something that she wants to pursue that she needs you to help her in? I’m not trying to make this sound transactional, but there are so many elements within marriage that can impact a completely different department, and it’s significantly harder to make big decisions when other areas seem off. Maybe it’s helping out with the kids, being more present at home, connecting better, alone time, fulfillment, etc., whatever it is, the marriage needs to be the priority and everything else falls in place. Real estate isn’t the answer to fixing it either. There are plenty of successful real estate investors that have nasty divorces because it’s easier for them to go alone, others feeling left behind and neglected, or don’t make time for each other anymore.

I’d just take a moment and figure out how you can serve her. Talk to her. Don’t even mention real estate. Listen. I highly suggest reading “Speaking Redemptively” by Paul Tripp. Maybe even read it together. But address this and then the rest will follow.

Hope that helps! Go fast go alone. Go far go together.

Scott Allen · Answer

@David Newfang

Do one deal together so she can learn it with you. Start with something small like a duplex or a 4 unit and everything will start to make sense from there. Have you guys identified which market you want to invest in? Have you built your cour four if it's out of state?

Will Chamberlin · Answer

Two thoughts here...

- What does she enjoy in life? Could be stuff, destination travel, cars, etc., but use simple math to show how to get that with real estate passively. (heard that on a podcast so no personal experience with it)

- Start small. When I first got into real estate I was ready for a 24 unit complex but my wife didn't want to buy anything (we were renting). We eventually compromised on a duplex we house hacked and now she is all in on REI.

Bruce Woodruff · Answer

That makes zero sense.....

Eliott Elias · Answer

Go fast, what's holding you back?

Ashley Undercuffler · Answer

In most relationships, there is one person who is hesitant about the real estate investing. That's not uncommon. There are lotta suggestions on the speed that are great.

Maybe if you two together talk to someone in your area who has done it, maybe a woman for her, that would help her feel it is. Take someone to coffee or lunch or set up a zoom call. Tell your wife to write down all of her concerns, and find someone she can ask her questions too.

I know for my husband, listening to BiggerPockets really made it easier for him to understand. All bite size episodes that help explain.

I hope this helps!

How to get my spouse onboard with real estate investing?

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