QOTW: How to get a reluctant spouse/ partner onboard?
Alicia MarksPro Member
Fort Worth, TX · Member since 2020 · 1k+ posts · 2k+ votesQOTW: How to get a reluctant spouse/ partner onboard?
Most Popular Reply
Rental Property Investor · Concord, NC · Member since 2016 · 1k+ posts · 3k+ votes
5yMy wife's journey -
- SFHs 1-5 !$%WTF#! are you doing?
- SFHs 6-10 OK, but don't expect me to like it
- SFHs 11-15 Gee, this really does make money
- SFHs 15-20 Can I help with admin and remodels?
- SFHs 20-23 I am so !$%$#! glad we thought of this.
84 Replies
- Member since 2021 · 3 posts · 4 votes5y
In our house is boils down to security, risk level and proof of concept. I am brand new to this and still in search of my first deal. I came across BP about three weeks ago by chance. I wasn't even considering real estate investing when I discovered BP. After watching that first YouTube video, I was hooked and convinced. My wife was out of town that weekend (so I binged the podcast) and when she came home, I was ready to make an offer. Let's just say that didn't happen. My wife is all about security and zero risk. As she has been watching me read the necessary books, listening to podcast, finding good content on YouTube and developing a plan that minimizes our risk, I've noticed her picking up one of my books and asking me questions. I think once I close my first wholesale deal, it will be the proof of concept she is looking for. I would love for this to be a JV between us, but if she feels more comfortable sticking to her 9-5 for now, that is okay.
You don't need to force or try convincing your spouse. Put the work in and show your commitment to this venture. If you are able to start with minimal financial risk to show proof of concept, start there. I personally would not make any major financial commitment if my wife was not on board and as a financial coach, that is what I would tell my client.
Wishing you well in your Real Estate Investment future!
- Investor · Nashville / Smoky Mountains, TN · Member since 2019 · 110 posts · 49 votes5y
Its hard to imagine a spouse not being on board when presented with the following...
Lets save up 50K, buy a house, leverage that house to buy more houses, we will retire in 5 years and live happily ever after off of passive income. In the meantime, keep your job, I'll do all the work and let you know when we are ready.
If your spouse thinks that is not a good idea and would rather see both of you working till you die... where do you go from there?
- Investor · FL · Member since 2020 · 41 posts · 19 votes5y
@Alicia Marks
Make a PPT, take a persuasion class or read a book on communication/persuasion, and execute!
- New to Real Estate · Joliet, IL · Member since 2021 · 89 posts · 135 votes5y
There are some pretty great answers here in the forum. For me, it took for a family member talking to my wife with the exact same Ideas that I had to get my wife to give me the green light, but to keep her out of it. I cannot use our shared money, and she wanted nothing to do with it. Sucks right???! But after her listening to the podcasts as I drive, and hearing the conversations I have with fellow investors, she came to me and said "If you can find a multi-unit that fits these criteria (remarkable schools, big backyard, 4 bed, 2 baths...), I will be fine with house hacking". I found several places that fit the criteria, but then we were hit with the blow from doing a COVID deferment, and cannot purchase any property until making 3-consecutive payments out of deferment. So needless to say, as long as your spouse allows you to be you, and It doesn't affect how your family operates, they will eventually get on board if they see the value in it.
Yes, it can be tough when your spouse doesn't want to go along with your hair-brained schemes until someone else they trust brings them the same information. At the end of the day, when they realize you will make decisions that are best for the family, all will be well.
- Fort Worth, TX · Member since 2020 · 1k+ posts · 2k+ votes5y
Originally posted by @Mason Jeffries:
Its hard to imagine a spouse not being on board when presented with the following...
Lets save up 50K, buy a house, leverage that house to buy more houses, we will retire in 5 years and live happily ever after off of passive income. In the meantime, keep your job, I'll do all the work and let you know when we are ready.
If your spouse thinks that is not a good idea and would rather see both of you working till you die... where do you go from there?
That hopefully makes sense for a lot of people, but we also have to remember that people grow up with many financial ideas and experiences. Some people are very debt averse, others are afraid of risk, and still others may feel overwhelmed in the level of decision making needed for RE. Overcoming those fears or beliefs that may hold them back can be a real challenge. The hard part is making sure their fears don't also hold you back.
- Lender · Vancouver, WA · Member since 2015 · 482 posts · 316 votes5y
@Alicia Marks My wife is supportive in spirit but emphasizes that it is my "passionate hobby". When I tell her I booked us a weekend getaway or I show up with the new appliance she has been eye-balling she just smiles.
Her new thing: When she's ready to go to sleep, she asks me to prattle on about real estate, and is usually asleep in under a few mins lol.
- Stoneham, MA · Member since 2017 · 56 posts · 186 votes5y
My wife was certainly hesitant at first, which is to be expected. We both have really well paying and stable W2 jobs. I started slowly bringing it up only on days when she came home after a crappy day at work… (Timing is everything! lol)
“Wow, that all sounds so frustrating… Wouldn’t it be great if we didn’t have to work anymore……..”
My wife and I have been real estate investors since 2013. She was reluctant initially but that may have been due to the fact that we were newlyweds still getting our arms around shared finances and managing a household together. As a long-time BP listener, I kept sharing with her until she was ready to listen on her own. She was fully on board with turning our first home into a rental. I used the podcast to help convince her that we needed to go further. It worked because we had a shared vision for our life together. Creating shared goals allowed us to build a solid foundation that lead to financial independence. Neither of us would be where we are without the other.
Rob
- Investor · Almont, MI · Member since 2015 · 361 posts · 302 votes5y
I have been obsessed with real estate all of my life and have been seriously investing for the last 6 years. My husband and I have been married for 23 years and after taking our net worth from pretty much $0 to over $3M mostly because of the value of my RE portfolio, he still isn't at all supportive...can you believe that? Over the 6 years, the progress has been slowly building (which we all know is normal) but because he doesn't see a Porsche in the driveway and a private jet out back he makes fun of my "little business" (it is only 13 units but it cash flows $3K per month and of course I dream much bigger). Needless to say I am a RE investing wife who does this pretty much without spouse support...some spouses are just not on board and never truly will be but you can't let them destroy what you are building.
- Rental Property Investor · Sioux Falls, SD · Member since 2015 · 9k+ posts · 18k+ votes5y
It really starts during the dating process. When selecting a spouse or life partner, determining financial compatibility is important. You don't just marry the first attractive person that comes along. That is one reason why people end up divorced. You need someone who will be a partner in life. A big piece of that is finding someone intelligent, who has work ethic, shares your financial approach and financial objectives. If you select someone who doesn't align, you will fight them at every turn.
Great advice from @Charlie MacPherson that you should never "badger, nag, bring it up in arguments" if someone isn't aligned financially. You chose to marry that person and they likely held those views from day one. You are likely the one that is "changing the rules" or "evolving your mindset". The answer is patience and using logic to change their mindset over time. If you can't ever change their mindset, don't do things against their will or behind their back. Sometimes when a spouse says no to your "great idea" it is possible that your idea wasn't great. YOU think it was great, but it may have been risky or even not well thought out. Be mindful of your own shortcomings and open to alternate opinions.
My wife balances me. I am willing to take more risk and she it a good sounding board to keep me in check. Sometimes she frustrates me, but ultimately my relationship with her is more important than money. The entire purpose of having money is to improve the quality of OUR lives. Don't ever forget WHY you are doing things.
One final caveat. If you are in a bad financial situation that involves massive debt or out of control spending, you may need to push your spouse or significant other. You may even need to give them an ultimatum. Financial ruin is likely to destroy a marriage, so avoiding it is protecting the marriage. If you are in this situation, Dave Ramsey financial peace is a great program that has helped many marriages.
I would like to add to what @Joe Splitrock said about financial compatibility. Once you have found someone with whom you are strategically financially aligned, you still have to work hard because even small differences can make a big difference in how you respond to day-to-day issues. For example, my husband values fugality, and in large part due to this we had a sizeable savings to start our investing business
however there is a BIG difference between living frugally 'when you need to' and having a core value of frugality. For example: We were in the car one day and the topic came up and my Mom said she was frugal. I laughed. Oh no no no. So I asked, "Hey mom you're two hours from home and you're thirsty, what do you do?" She said I stop at a quick-mart and get a cold drink. I ask my husband, he rolls his eyes and says, I wait until I get home and get a drink. Don't get me wrong my Mom can live frugally, but it's not really a core value for her (or me). See the difference? I, on the other hand, truly value 'good value'; I want the deal. I won't buy it even if I need it if I can't get a 'good deal' I know what everything costs and where you can usually get it cheapest. If I see a good deal on stuff that I know we are going to need, I'll stock up. It drives my husband nuts because it always pains his little frugal heart to ever spend any money but when corona virus hit and it took 6 weeks to get appliances and I had two full sets in our storage garage and it allowed us to complete our jobs on time and on budget.
Neither one of these approaches to money are 'right' or 'wrong' (within normal boundaries) but it is really important to understand your differences in values regarding money if you are in business together. And it's important to divvy up the tasks so that your natural checks and balances work for the business.
PS Like Mom, I get the drink because I hate to be uncomfortable when it's easily fixable and we can afford it but I get the .79 fountain polar pop instead of the $2 bottle. ;) It's a relative 'good deal' LOL. We are all always acting on competing values and sometimes the little 'values' are the biggest drivers of behavior.
- Fort Worth, TX · Member since 2020 · 1k+ posts · 2k+ votes5y
Originally posted by @Steve Milford:
@Alicia Marks My wife is supportive in spirit but emphasizes that it is my "passionate hobby". When I tell her I booked us a weekend getaway or I show up with the new appliance she has been eye-balling she just smiles.
Her new thing: When she's ready to go to sleep, she asks me to prattle on about real estate, and is usually asleep in under a few mins lol.
Lol Steve, you're getting to talk straight into her subconscious right before sleep!
- Fort Worth, TX · Member since 2020 · 1k+ posts · 2k+ votes5y
Originally posted by @Dante Pirouz:
I have been obsessed with real estate all of my life and have been seriously investing for the last 6 years. My husband and I have been married for 23 years and after taking our net worth from pretty much $0 to over $3M mostly because of the value of my RE portfolio, he still isn't at all supportive...can you believe that? Over the 6 years, the progress has been slowly building (which we all know is normal) but because he doesn't see a Porsche in the driveway and a private jet out back he makes fun of my "little business" (it is only 13 units but it cash flows $3K per month and of course I dream much bigger). Needless to say I am a RE investing wife who does this pretty much without spouse support...some spouses are just not on board and never truly will be but you can't let them destroy what you are building.
Good for you or staying the course! Being aloof but allowing you to do you can be just as valuable. Hope you get a picture of his face when you drive up in that Porsche or whatever dream he knows you have comes true.
- Fort Worth, TX · Member since 2020 · 1k+ posts · 2k+ votes5y
@Jill F. that is a great point! Sometimes your definitions are different, even if you share similar mindsets, the execution may look very different. Asking for examples or how they would define things may note a crucial gap in how you both see things.
- Investor · Memphis, TN · Member since 2016 · 279 posts · 257 votes5y
I'm very lucky that my wife has supported my REI journey from the beginning. She really started getting on board when we began seeing the cash flow from our passive investments!
My advice to anyone who wants to get involved in REI but their spouse doesn't: first find out why he/she feels this way? There is usually more to it than just fear of investing. Often when my wife does disagree with an investing decision I'm thinking about there are good reasons for her wanting to persuade me to do something else.
Personally, I have loved getting to work with my wife on our REI deals!
- Real Estate Broker · Santa Ana CA [South Coast Metro] · Member since 2016 · 459 posts · 202 votes5y
ME: Um honey can you sign this please?
MY WIFE: What is that paperwork for?
ME: We just sold or bought a property.
MY WIFE: What you didnt tell me what you are buying? You know I do not want surprises like this.
ME: Had to act fast and needed to lock this up.
MY WIFE: Really, you cant be doing that, Its too risky and financial this......
ME: We just sold it and made $120k on this deal!
MY Wife: Really? Why didnt you tell me about it before.
ME: Uhm because you didnt really want to bother with it
My Wife: Well next time I would!
ME: Of Course Honey
- Investor · Bucks County, PA · Member since 2020 · 41 posts · 52 votes5y
This is a great question and there are a lot of terrific anecdotes already provided. To me, this isn't just a cash flow issue...it's also a matter of marital happiness. If you're already in this forum, then the challenge is in how you obtain one without the other suffering.
Everyone has had a different journey with money prior to marriage and a wise spouse is one who is sensitive to that. Some spouses came from a lot, some came from none, some learned that "saving is everything" while others learned that you spend what you have while you have it because "you only live once".
Too many couples don't talk about money at all, let alone real estate investing. Do you know how your spouse would define "financial security"? What amount would it be? What lifestyle would it look like? I'm of the opinion that there is no way around having those conversations as often as possible before and while you are investing. The understanding and trust built during the process is key to moving forward with a plan that you can both be on board with.
The good news is that very few spouses will ever say that they flat out just don't want passive income, the challenge is only in how you arrive at that destination within their risk tolerance. Money is not the only formal of capital in the equation, trust is just as (if not more) important. Sometimes there is no getting around having to work hard to earn it...
- Real Estate Broker · Jacksonville FL & Middletown, CT · Member since 2008 · 1k+ posts · 633 votes5y
Some people will just never understand or support anything but their own vision of what "work" looks like...even after their 9-5 salary becomes a fraction of your income. That's ok, but living with that person really wears you down over time. Go ahead and ask my now EX husband how that worked out for him....LOL.
- Fort Worth, TX · Member since 2020 · 1k+ posts · 2k+ votes5y
Originally posted by @Sunil Kurian:
This is a great question and there are a lot of terrific anecdotes already provided. To me, this isn't just a cash flow issue...it's also a matter of marital happiness. If you're already in this forum, then the challenge is in how you obtain one without the other suffering.
Everyone has had a different journey with money prior to marriage and a wise spouse is one who is sensitive to that. Some spouses came from a lot, some came from none, some learned that "saving is everything" while others learned that you spend what you have while you have it because "you only live once".
Too many couples don't talk about money at all, let alone real estate investing. Do you know how your spouse would define "financial security"? What amount would it be? What lifestyle would it look like? I'm of the opinion that there is no way around having those conversations as often as possible before and while you are investing. The understanding and trust built during the process is key to moving forward with a plan that you can both be on board with.
The good news is that very few spouses will ever say that they flat out just don't want passive income, the challenge is only in how you arrive at that destination within their risk tolerance. Money is not the only formal of capital in the equation, trust is just as (if not more) important. Sometimes there is no getting around having to work hard to earn it...
This is 100% accurate on all accounts. Communication and understanding what meets both of your goals will help get you far and build a better relationship overall.
- Rental Property Investor · Attleboro, MA · Member since 2021 · 81 posts · 56 votes5y
My wife is the kind of person that has to see it to believe it where I have always been the person who has the vision first. How I got my wife on board was going to a local REI meetup and hearing success stories from others who were doing it. After that I was able to start my path to my first property. Even when I had my offer accepted my wife was still skeptical until she actually went to see the property. Now she is fully on board with my vision.
- 5yWale LawalBusiness MemberReal Estate Broker · Houston | Dallas | Austin, TX · Member since 2018 · 5k+ posts · 2k+ votes
It is hard to be on board when you don't fully understand. I suggest inviting your partner to an event/meet-up, so they hear it from someone with experience. If that still doesn't work, then compromise at least a trial round to test the water.
Relationships are about compromise, communication, and support from one another. Good Luck!
NETWORTH BUILDERS5237 Reviews - Member since 2021 · 217 posts · 190 votes5y
Originally posted by @Janet Behm:
Alecia, Relationships and real estate investing are both "the long game."
And, of course, run the numbers...
That numbers part tends to get overlooked- If you can't show your partner how what you plan to do adds up on a spreadsheet, without optimistic projections, then you shouldn't expect your partner to be on board. They are likely doing you a favor with their reluctance if you can't.
- Rental Property Investor · Wilmington, NC · Member since 2017 · 16 posts · 8 votes5y
My wife was skeptical at first. However, after we managed to rent out our first property (originally our old primary residence), she felt more comfortable. It helped her realize we can in fact do this.
- Investor · Atlanta, GA · Member since 2018 · 19 posts · 26 votes5y
My advice is to find clear examples of successful scenarios of what you are trying to accomplish. If your spouse sees that normal humans accomplish what you want to accomplish, they may be more likely to listen and learn. Once on board, start with a small project, learn from the mistakes, go on to the next!
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