QOTW: How to get a reluctant spouse/ partner onboard?

Fort Worth, TX · Member since 2020 · 1k+ posts · 2k+ votes

We have heard it a billion times, "I'm super excited to invest/ reach FIRE/ make a career change, but my partner isn't on board." Have you been there too? Share your ideas for what may or may not have worked to encourage your partner to join or at least support your quest!

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Charlie MacPherson
China, ME · Member since 2014 · 3k+ posts · 4k+ votes
4y
Having been very happily married for over 42 years, I can tell you with some authority that married life is a team sport. You and your spouse need to be fully supportive of each other's major life activities.

If you have clearly and patiently explained your desires and plans and your spouse is either not supporting the decision or is doing so reluctantly, STOP. Do not badger, nag, bring it up in arguments, etc. Just let it go.

It is not worth risking your marriage for money, career moves or pretty much anything else in life. Period.

Proverbs 31: 10-12: A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies.
Her husband has full confidence in her
and lacks nothing of value.
She brings him good, not harm,
all the days of her life.

33 Reply
Maurice D.
Coppell, TX · Member since 2015 · 485 posts · 310 votes
4y
I'd add don't do business with your spouse. if you want to roll with your own idea, don't ask him/her to work on it, find leads for you etc. specially if the other half has a full time job. you don't need permission to roll on your own, just support and that's ok but you are not asking for approval.
Don't get me wrong, some couples are so in-tune they can run a business together no problem but many are not 100% and partnering with them or making strong time/$$$ demands from them cam strain and ruin the relationship, it's not worth it.
Bottom line, nothing wrong with asking for support, be ready to present your business plan but you are not asking anything other than support.
5 Reply
John Teachout
Rental Property Investor · Concord, GA · Member since 2015 · 3k+ posts · 3k+ votes
4y
My wife was reluctant to start doing Airbnb in our home. ie, uncomfortable with strangers in the house. We've been doing it for a few years now and it has worked out fine. We began a "trial period" with the mutual understanding that we would bail out if it wasn't working out. I agree with @Charlie MacPherson that both parties must be on board. A partner may be reluctant for a variety of reasons but it's not wise to force the issue.
4 Reply
Allen W.
Rental Property Investor · Member since 2021 · 48 posts · 50 votes
4y
@Alicia Marks my wife listens to me talk about it until she's blue in the face, she has watched me purchase investment property... she has watched me as a bachelor, buy my first home as a foreclosure under market value and years later when it was time to sell, walk away with close to 6 figures... she understands the value of passive and residual income.
BUT - after all of that, she doesn't have the entrepreneurial spirit and the willingness to take risk. She's very much an employee. The most she does is listen to me talk. I don't try to convince her.
8 Reply
Janet Behm
Accountant · West Jordan, UT · Member since 2017 · 180 posts · 95 votes
4y
Alecia, Relationships and real estate investing are both "the long game."
And, of course, run the numbers...
5 Reply
Jim K.
Handyman · Pittsburgh, PA · Member since 2018 · 5k+ posts · 13k+ votes
4y
I owe everything to my wife and without her there would be no enterprise. We only got into rentals in the beginning because an investor in a marriage that was nosediving needed to sell her a house at a good price. My wife proposed that we should buy the place and we did. For the next few years, I was a willing participant, but I was not wholly on-board, success or bust. We didn't exactly know what we were going to do -- chase an idea I had, chase an idea she had, or go with real estate.
In 2015, the country of my origin, Greece, refused the patently ruinous terms of a third bailout. All the same, it was brought to its knees and forced to swallow it by the rest of the EU. I finally woke up from my dogmatic slumbers. In the ensuing loathsome political rise of the political entity Golden Dawn, an "alt-right" Greek political party with quite conspicuous roots in National Socialism, not even a neo-Nazi but a fully recognizable NAZI party, I was forced to come to some fundamentally ugly realizations about money and power, realizations I had done my best to avoid thinking about my entire life. Working toward anything other than an affluent future, without real money backstopping us now and in the future, was no longer an option.
That's when I told my wife I was all-in with her, and we decided on real estate as the lever we were going to pull to get to financial independence and beyond. We analyzed the local market and picked out our target area together. We took our first steps together. A few steps led to a few more, and now we have a small, closely-held rental portfolio in an up-and-coming area of our city, along with a roadmap to go forward.
So, being as I WAS the reluctant spouse, I think I have something useful to say about how to get someone like me on board. My wife could have talked for ages, and nothing would have changed. I, myself, had to decide. I had to look at the data. I had to listen to the podcasts and read the books. I had to commit.
It doesn't work the same way for everyone, obviously. But it's not by force of personality that my wife got me on board. It was definitely not by making me endure lectures about our shared financial future. Or some kind of underhanded manipulation. I paid attention and decided to work for what we both wanted.
8 Reply
Josh Bowser
Real Estate Agent · Atlanta, GA · Member since 2020 · 414 posts · 233 votes
4y
Lead with LOVE my friends! Truth be told, you NEED to understand what makes your partner tick. Generally speaking, most people's dream of an exceptional life can be categorized in providing two things (in my young, naïve opinion). Either its getting more time back to do the things you love (me), or having luxury items/experiences (my girlfriend). Once you are able to tailor your pitch to what makes your partner tick, y'all will be able to imagine a life together where you both get to do what you want!!
I got my lady on board and she started house hacking before I did, cutting her living expense to a fraction of what they were so she is able to do more of what she wants and having more money in the bank at the end of the day to buy.... more real estate!!
Get on the same page by leading with love my friends!
3 Reply
John MorganPro Member
Rental Property Investor · Grand Prairie, TX · Member since 2018 · 2k+ posts · 2k+ votes
4y
@Alicia Marks
I’m 6 years into this game with 12 rental houses and my wife absolutely hates that I buy these things. Lol. She’ll never warm up to the idea. Her comfort level was at 1 or 2. I try not to tell her all the negative things about this since I self manage. And I leave cash laying around the kitchen from the tenant that pays me rent in cash..so it looks like we’re killing it. Lol. Im aggressive with investing and she’s not. No matter how many times I show her the numbers, she’s still not down with RE. But she’s going to retire this year at 46 years old because our RE earnings (7k/month) is greater than her take home pay ($4,200/month). So she’s slowly warming up to the idea. Haha!
9 Reply
Terrell Garren
Rental Property Investor · Concord, NC · Member since 2016 · 1k+ posts · 3k+ votes
4y
My wife's journey -
- SFHs 1-5 !$%WTF#! are you doing?
- SFHs 6-10 OK, but don't expect me to like it
- SFHs 11-15 Gee, this really does make money
- SFHs 15-20 Can I help with admin and remodels?
- SFHs 20-23 I am so !$%$#! glad we thought of this.
38 Reply
Josh Bowser
Real Estate Agent · Atlanta, GA · Member since 2020 · 414 posts · 233 votes
4y
@Terrell Garren hahaha I love that! I hope you are well my friend.
1 Reply
Ian WalshBusiness Member
Lender · Philadelphia, PA · Member since 2016 · 2k+ posts · 1k+ votes
4y
A few deals usually does the trick. Getting them to support you is one thing. Getting them to be involved in the business is another. If you need a partner in the business, it might be worth looking somewhere else and just enjoy your spouses support.
2 Reply
Luke AndersonPro Member
Rental Property Investor · Enterprise, AL · Member since 2016 · 166 posts · 117 votes
4y
Everything new is scary. There is a risk versus reward factor, a work versus reward factor, etc. I think with real estate investing, it starts with one spouse getting really enthusiastic and hung ho and the other being terrified and stand offish. Make the numbers work for what you want to do. Put together the whole plan. How much of your nest egg are you planning to tie up in this investment? How much more do you need for reserves? How much time are you going to personally be involved in the day to day? Why is this a better investment than any of your other investments? Why not just put money in a 401k and let it grow without the headaches of being a landlord. All these questions are most likely going through your spouses mind, as my spouse had similar concerns, but having the answers and being able to show figures and projections, having a team lined up, and showing how it won’t compromise your daily life and everything you’ve worked so hard for to this point will be helpful to cautiously win over your spouse. Having a skeptic on the team is not a bad thing. If your numbers work to them, then they really work and you’ll really work to make sure you’re getting the right deal, not just any deal.
3 Reply
Angie Jones
Member since 2021 · 10 posts · 5 votes
4y
@Alicia Marks read Rich Wife by Kim Kiyosaki you will love it & ther is a section in it about spouses.
2 Reply
Alicia MarksPro Member
OP
Fort Worth, TX · Member since 2020 · 1k+ posts · 2k+ votes
4y
Originally posted by @Allen W.:
@Alicia Marks my wife listens to me talk about it until she's blue in the face, she has watched me purchase investment property... she has watched me as a bachelor, buy my first home as a foreclosure under market value and years later when it was time to sell, walk away with close to 6 figures... she understands the value of passive and residual income.

I would definitely agree with you that convincing can sometimes do the opposite or cause someone to shut down. The biggest aspect is whether you can move forward with support.

[email protected]Podcast Guest on Show #204
1 Reply
Alicia MarksPro Member
OP
Fort Worth, TX · Member since 2020 · 1k+ posts · 2k+ votes
4y
@Jim K. it is often those big changes in our lives that help us see perspective. I think many people have felt it during the pandemic, which is why we are seeing so many changes in the workforce. Thanks for sharing!
[email protected]Podcast Guest on Show #204
1 Reply
Alicia MarksPro Member
OP
Fort Worth, TX · Member since 2020 · 1k+ posts · 2k+ votes
4y
Originally posted by @John Morgan:
@Alicia Marks
I’m 6 years into this game with 12 rental houses and my wife absolutely hates that I buy these things. Lol. She’ll never warm up to the idea. Her comfort level was at 1 or 2. I try not to tell her all the negative things about this since I self manage. And I leave cash laying around the kitchen from the tenant that pays me rent in cash..so it looks like we’re killing it. Lol. Im aggressive with investing and she’s not. No matter how many times I show her the numbers, she’s still not down with RE. But she’s going to retire this year at 46 years old because our RE earnings (7k/month) is greater than her take home pay ($4,200/month). So she’s slowly warming up to the idea. Haha!

I feel you on the risk averse partner. Mine is definitely slow to change and risk averse. He is supportive, but ended up an accidental landlord once and hated it. Part of the issue was he mentally was still treating it as his "home" instead of an investment. We are not married yet, so I'm at least free to build my empire solo, but I also try to avoid the negative aspects and show more positives.

[email protected]Podcast Guest on Show #204
1 Reply
Alicia MarksPro Member
OP
Fort Worth, TX · Member since 2020 · 1k+ posts · 2k+ votes
4y
Originally posted by @Ian Walsh:
A few deals usually does the trick. Getting them to support you is one thing. Getting them to be involved in the business is another. If you need a partner in the business, it might be worth looking somewhere else and just enjoy your spouses support.

I totally agree! A lot of the questions I see being asked are a complete lack of support. It's hard to get financial agreement to move forward with a completely unwilling partner, or worse, affecting your relationship negatively because of it.
[email protected]Podcast Guest on Show #204
0 Reply
Daniel SmythPro Member
Rental Property Investor · Rockford, IL · Member since 2019 · 471 posts · 342 votes
4y
@Alicia Marks
Nothing to do but do your thing.
Don't try to teach or preach.
Answer questions you can answer, and research together, if possible, for more of an Answer if needed.
I listen to podcasts when my wife can hear.
I do ask if the podcasts bother her. Forcing podcasts on my wife would just make her tolerate them and not perhaps learn a jewel or two by passive listening!
I do the same with relative and friends.
I have a slow to love it family, but they ask questions. When I Answer them, I find out how much I know. Better yet, I get practice talking g about the business!
[email protected]
2 Reply
Michael Geoffroy
Member since 2021 · 14 posts · 11 votes
4y
Great responses already. I would add that you should try to find where your spouse can best add to your investments. If they are negative about potential houses, use that to toughen up your underwriting. If they are suspect of cashflow or business plan, use that as motivation to firm up your underlying analysis. Ignore your spouse at your own peril.
4 Reply
Luke Robinson
Investor · Los Angeles, CA · Member since 2020 · 8 posts · 10 votes
4y
I was very much in your position and can absolutely relate. I offered to make a trade with my wife--I would read one book of her choosing if she would read one book of my choosing. I obviously chose Rich Dad Poor Dad, and she chose one about emotional health (which, admittedly, was a necessary growth area for me at the time and still today). We both read the books, engaged in some really neat dialogue on our nightly walks, and better understood each other's perspectives in those areas.

After reading both books, I asked for her permission to start slowly pursuing financial independence through real estate investing by using the RDPD principles, and she happily jumped into it with me. This was about a year ago, and we have since bought two, out of state, six-unit MFH.
Best of luck to you!

4 Reply
Eric GoldmanBusiness Member
Lender · PA · Member since 2019 · 357 posts · 190 votes
4y
make a good old pros and cons list. Change is good. Keeps you on your toes.
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1 Reply
Justin Thorpe
Member since 2020 · 437 posts · 675 votes
4y
@Alicia Marks
There are not many things more valuable in life than a great partner. If he / she is not willing to partake, please DO NOT force the issue.
This FIRE thingy / investment thingy may be cool but not worth disturbing an otherwise solid relationship.
3 Reply
Bini Gibson
Real Estate Agent · Las Vegas, NV · Member since 2019 · 5 posts · 3 votes
4y
For my wife and I it was about knowing what would make the other truly happy and whether or not we actually wanted to do what would make the other happy. Our goals had always aligned it was just more about the path to take to get there. We balance each other out and find enjoyment in that. Regardless of which end of the spectrum we land on with what we are trying to do wherever one lacks the other steps up. So essentially it was realizing and believing we make a great team together. Whether it’s investing in real estate or running a 5k we are doing it together.
2 Reply
Alicia MarksPro Member
OP
Fort Worth, TX · Member since 2020 · 1k+ posts · 2k+ votes
4y
@Luke Robinson I love the reciprocity! Recognizing both places you can learn to be better and grow is huge.
[email protected]Podcast Guest on Show #204
0 Reply
George Munoz
Real Estate Agent · Fort Lauderdale, FL · Member since 2018 · 360 posts · 213 votes
4y
Originally posted by @Alicia Marks:
We have heard it a billion times, "I'm super excited to invest/ reach FIRE/ make a career change, but my partner isn't on board." Have you been there too? Share your ideas for what may or may not have worked to encourage your partner to join or at least support your quest!

First , Jay Papasan Co author of "the one thing" and his wife , they have an amazing retreat for couples , on how to be on same page, getting goals etc.. I haven't been to one , but I went to their section at the BPCON 2021.
Second: My personal experience, I was the Dreamer and my wise the practical one... ( lets put it that way)
So, My advice is that , just do you. don't worry about him, dont force him, just show him with your example and perseverance The reality of you aspiration . RE is FREEDOM , RE can provide wealth.
It took me 2 years to convince my wife , and i kept and kept pushing then 2 more years to actually believe in mi after I went full time and still sometimes she might struggle a bit. but I have to laydown the plan and the while picture of why i am doing what Iam doing.. the most important thing here is managing expectation (like any other relationship and partnership)
Exactly 1 month Ago I got a Random msg from my wife telling me " Please keep buying more houses" . That was THE BEST msg i have ever gotten...
I will say total 5 years took me ( and still) of been consistent with your actions regarding Real estate and self-development..
One step at a time...
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QOTW: How to get a reluctant spouse/ partner onboard?

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