QOTW: How to get a reluctant spouse/ partner onboard?
Alicia MarksPro Member
Fort Worth, TX · Member since 2020 · 1k+ posts · 2k+ votesWe have heard it a billion times, "I'm super excited to invest/ reach FIRE/ make a career change, but my partner isn't on board." Have you been there too? Share your ideas for what may or may not have worked to encourage your partner to join or at least support your quest!
My wife's journey -
When I was first getting started, my wife had a hard time getting onboard because I was all over the place with what I wanted to do. One day I was talking about wholesaling, then it was multifamily, then BRRRR, then traditional financing, then single family, so on and so on.
Eventually it just came to that I needed to have a clear plan of action. "This is what I want to do with our money, here's when I want to do it, here's what happens if ____ happens, etc." Basically made it a business pitch and we decided to move forward together.
You have to have your spouse on board for all your financial decisions. If they're not, then when things go wrong it can create a toxic environment. Real estate should provide the income to enrich your life with your spouse, not create more stress with it.
When I was first getting started, my wife had a hard time getting onboard because I was all over the place with what I wanted to do. One day I was talking about wholesaling, then it was multifamily, then BRRRR, then traditional financing, then single family, so on and so on.
Eventually it just came to that I needed to have a clear plan of action. "This is what I want to do with our money, here's when I want to do it, here's what happens if ____ happens, etc." Basically made it a business pitch and we decided to move forward together.
You have to have your spouse on board for all your financial decisions. If they're not, then when things go wrong it can create a toxic environment. Real estate should provide the income to enrich your life with your spouse, not create more stress with it.
I bet the shiny object syndrome makes it hard to trust a partner. I like that you realized that and were able to focus on one strategy to dive in. It doesn't mean that you can't try something else later, but proof of concept to a spouse who is hesitant is imperative.
Patience is key here. Educate them without belittling. Show them the light, slowly. They will get. Use numbers and real examples to bring them along!
Find out exactly why they are reluctant to be on board and find ways to mitigate those reasons. My wife was worried that bad investments will not leave any money left for our other plans.
I put some money on the side to ease her fears and showed her how it can actually help with those other goals.
After a while of being successful with whatever I do she started to trust my judgement. Now she is almost as excited as me and plays a big part. She is more organized than I am an better with tennants. im better with handymen and contractors. We complement each other well
@Mason Jeffries I know that in my situation it’s that that doesn’t sound realistic to some people. It sounds like a scheme or a dream like winning the lottery.
I once said something to my husband along the lines of “…and then we can start buying rent houses and retire.” His response was that he has some friends that do that and they aren’t retired yet.
He’s not even against real estate investing, in fact we are planning to turn our current house into a rental in 4-5 years. He just doesn’t see it as a realistic way to financial independence.
For me it’s about convincing him that it’s doable and worth the time and money.
@Terrell Garren "My Wife's Journey" was hilariously great 😂
Run the numbers, show what the income would be and return to your spouse. Compare returns to stock market averages. Explain the possibility of appreciation, and the tax benefits. As @Eric Goldman said, do a pros and cons list! Change isn't always bad!! Good luck!!
I think the best way to start is by having a serious conversation about your short, medium and long term goals as a couple. Once those have been established you can ask yourself the question, "can we accomplish these goals on our current trajectory." If you are just getting started, many times the answer will be no. This then leads to the best question. HOW THEN?
Be prepared, and make your pitch. Pick a favorite BP episode or two. Suggest a book. Do what makes sense for getting your partner motivated for your plan together.
I can speak from personal experience that you will not always be at the same level of excitement all the time. My wife and I have been in business together for nearly 14 years, and working together for even longer. Sometimes it will take convincing, but that really isn't much different than needing to win over any other business partner, boss or co-worker from time to time. Be willing to put in the prep work and "make the sale" so to speak.
Hey Alicia,
I went through a similar thing with my wife. She is definitely more onboard with REI now than when I first brought it up to her, but I'm still the driving force behind it. I think the big thing I learned is to be patient. I spent much more time reading, doing analysis of properties etc than her, so I think it makes sense that I was more comfortable than she was. I tried discussing things I learned with her, but it was overwhelming after awhile. My advice is to take things slow, and I think your partner will gradually warm up to the idea. Maybe just get them to say yes to one property and see how it goes, that way the don't feel like they are committing to a whole lifestyle of investing. Also, maybe come up with a plan that has a relatively easy and cheap exit strategy (buying a single family instead of a multi family for example). They might me more willing to try if they know there is an easy way out if things don't go as planned.
Good luck! Just give it time and I’m sure it’ll all work out.
I find many times the reluctance comes from lack of a REAL DEAL.
When you share the numbers of a REAL DEAL, it can be very convincing.
I am in this same boat right now... my wife is very risk adverse and is quick to say no up to this point. She gives a lot of what if's, rental property doomsday scenarios, but I agree with Michael Geoffroy, which is one of the strategies I'm using right now is to just tighten up my analysis and criteria to the point that it would be a deal she can't refuse and is somewhat risk free. Also, yesterday I approached it from a different angle. Instead of "I would like to buy some more rental properties" I started a conversation with "what does your retirement life look like? What do you want to do if money wasn't an object?" I already know she wants us to travel and live on the beach. I stated I wanted to go on an international vacation for a week every month. That led to how much that's going to cost, we estimated 10K. It was just to get her to think about goals and dreams first, then I can hit her with "Well... here's how we are going to get there and make it come true"
I AM IN THIS BOAT TOO!!! -- so thank you for the sharing: bp podcasts have been PIVOTAL for shifting mindset -- #483 5 things to build 1M Rental Portfolio. -- But there's SO MANY for whatever would peak their interest and just get a crack - a pinhole of light breaks thru a whole sky of darkness... And mine is a numbers guy -- so #527 Creative Financing was SO COOL... it's so cliche but so true... -- getting to see differently -- in your mind -- that's where it starts... when the what if's change to let's reverse engineer and see what we can/need to do this year, this month, this week... and agreed: PATIENCE (and faith) are key.
@Charlie MacPherson amen! My sentiments exactly!
@Alicia Marks for me it has helped to start small and rack up a few wins. As my wife has started to see the checks coming in, she is coming around.
This answer depends on how you run your household, IMO.
If you show your wife/husband something great, and they push back.....then there are bigger issues, IMO, so I would leave it alone. You shouldnt have to do much more than that. But if you care to do more than that......I wouldnt take it further than just doing it yourself and eventually they might see the benefit and adopt your way. If they dont.....just leave it alone and be happy doing it yourself. As a man, I wouldnt worry about my wife being onboard b/c Ill be the one making the money anyway. If I was a wife, and I was more of the saver and investor...and the husband was reluctant, I could see how this could be a bit problematic. In the scenario where there are 2 of you making money, and you both have different accounts...well I still think you should leave the other person alone, and not worry about their reluctance, as long as they pay their half of the bills or however you guys do it.
So my final answer is it do it on your own and hope they see the benefits, and if not, thats fine...leave them alone and do it yourself.
I am in this same boat right now... my wife is very risk adverse and is quick to say no up to this point. She gives a lot of what if's, rental property doomsday scenarios, but I agree with Michael Geoffroy, which is one of the strategies I'm using right now is to just tighten up my analysis and criteria to the point that it would be a deal she can't refuse and is somewhat risk free. Also, yesterday I approached it from a different angle. Instead of "I would like to buy some more rental properties" I started a conversation with "what does your retirement life look like? What do you want to do if money wasn't an object?" I already know she wants us to travel and live on the beach. I stated I wanted to go on an international vacation for a week every month. That led to how much that's going to cost, we estimated 10K. It was just to get her to think about goals and dreams first, then I can hit her with "Well... here's how we are going to get there and make it come true"
Ah, she cares about the downside. Thats important! I learned how important managing risk is from losing so much money in the stock market. LOOL.
Find out exactly why they are reluctant to be on board and find ways to mitigate those reasons. My wife was worried that bad investments will not leave any money left for our other plans.
I put some money on the side to ease her fears and showed her how it can actually help with those other goals.
After a while of being successful with whatever I do she started to trust my judgement. Now she is almost as excited as me and plays a big part. She is more organized than I am an better with tennants. im better with handymen and contractors. We complement each other well
I love that you were able to address the hesitation and make a compromise. I find that showing people how we can both meet our goals has helped me complete deals, and it's great for successful relationships too!
I am in this position almost always! I have a very cautious husband, and I tend to be the risk taker!
I have found that spread sheets, cost/income sheets and bringing the facts to the table to show how my thoughts and numbers work has really helped bring him to the table with a few deals. I obvioulsy can't win every argument, but I can at least do my best to prove I'm not crazy all the time!!
My wife likes seeing me as much as possible and that would not of happened if I worked a regular 9-to-5 job. As one poster said if your spouse wants you to work a regular job until you die where do you go from there? I’ve been pretty much self-employed all my life. I was self-employed doing my own thing when I met my wife so asking whether or not I had to work a regular job was not realistic.
@Mason Jeffries I know that in my situation it’s that that doesn’t sound realistic to some people. It sounds like a scheme or a dream like winning the lottery.
I once said something to my husband along the lines of “…and then we can start buying rent houses and retire.” His response was that he has some friends that do that and they aren’t retired yet.
He’s not even against real estate investing, in fact we are planning to turn our current house into a rental in 4-5 years. He just doesn’t see it as a realistic way to financial independence.
For me it’s about convincing him that it’s doable and worth the time and money.
I find that a lot of people believe you have to have hundreds of units to be successful, or have limiting beliefs because they don't have examples in their sphere that show otherwise. The fact that he's willing says he's open to the possibility.
This answer depends on how you run your household, IMO.
If you show your wife/husband something great, and they push back.....then there are bigger issues, IMO, so I would leave it alone. You shouldnt have to do much more than that. But if you care to do more than that......I wouldnt take it further than just doing it yourself and eventually they might see the benefit and adopt your way. If they dont.....just leave it alone and be happy doing it yourself. As a man, I wouldnt worry about my wife being onboard b/c Ill be the one making the money anyway. If I was a wife, and I was more of the saver and investor...and the husband was reluctant, I could see how this could be a bit problematic. In the scenario where there are 2 of you making money, and you both have different accounts...well I still think you should leave the other person alone, and not worry about their reluctance, as long as they pay their half of the bills or however you guys do it.
So my final answer is it do it on your own and hope they see the benefits, and if not, thats fine...leave them alone and do it yourself.
I'm curious if you're married. There are many traditional households, but there are a lot of progressive ones with different scenarios too (wife earns more, 50/50 split on everything or proportions of income, etc.) I don't think that pushback from what one person thinks is a great idea indicates bigger problems at all, sometimes it can be the opposite. Having someone who cares to respectfully share blindspots or has strengths balancing your weaknesses can be an incredible asset.
I have noticed that many men seem to be responding with "show the numbers" type responses. What I'm seeing from the hesitation side is that their wives are concerned with maintaining the sense of financial security in the scenario being presented. I would agree with that perspective as a woman, even as one who is more willing to take risks. It seems many couples are wanting the same thing, but one side is bringing data in hopes of creating a good outcome, and the other is coming from an emotional approach of being concerned with protecting stability in the midst of the decision. It's not always a one gender or the other, but more a sense of opposites attract.
I am in this position almost always! I have a very cautious husband, and I tend to be the risk taker!
I have found that spread sheets, cost/income sheets and bringing the facts to the table to show how my thoughts and numbers work has really helped bring him to the table with a few deals. I obvioulsy can't win every argument, but I can at least do my best to prove I'm not crazy all the time!!
I'm the risk taker too. I have appealed to his joy of playing with numbers into running deals or strategy to make good decisions. Math doesn't lie, so I start with that approach.
This answer depends on how you run your household, IMO.
If you show your wife/husband something great, and they push back.....then there are bigger issues, IMO, so I would leave it alone. You shouldnt have to do much more than that. But if you care to do more than that......I wouldnt take it further than just doing it yourself and eventually they might see the benefit and adopt your way. If they dont.....just leave it alone and be happy doing it yourself. As a man, I wouldnt worry about my wife being onboard b/c Ill be the one making the money anyway. If I was a wife, and I was more of the saver and investor...and the husband was reluctant, I could see how this could be a bit problematic. In the scenario where there are 2 of you making money, and you both have different accounts...well I still think you should leave the other person alone, and not worry about their reluctance, as long as they pay their half of the bills or however you guys do it.
So my final answer is it do it on your own and hope they see the benefits, and if not, thats fine...leave them alone and do it yourself.
I'm curious if you're married. There are many traditional households, but there are a lot of progressive ones with different scenarios too (wife earns more, 50/50 split on everything or proportions of income, etc.) I don't think that pushback from what one person thinks is a great idea indicates bigger problems at all, sometimes it can be the opposite. Having someone who cares to respectfully share blindspots or has strengths balancing your weaknesses can be an incredible asset.
I have noticed that many men seem to be responding with "show the numbers" type responses. What I'm seeing from the hesitation side is that their wives are concerned with maintaining the sense of financial security in the scenario being presented. I would agree with that perspective as a woman, even as one who is more willing to take risks. It seems many couples are wanting the same thing, but one side is bringing data in hopes of creating a good outcome, and the other is coming from an emotional approach of being concerned with protecting stability in the midst of the decision. It's not always a one gender or the other, but more a sense of opposites attract.
Not married...but in relationships, I am the one that earns and takes care of everything financially.
If hesitance is b/c of risk as you stated, well good investors are supposed to think of the downside first, and being the spouse that is trying to onboard the other spouse, you should provide ways to mitigate that risk. If you cant...well...you shouldnt be taking on those investments, IMO. I was just saying empty hesitance in any scenario seems to be kind of odd if you both have goals of being great and growing family wealth.
Well I was in the same boat as you are. It was so frustrating for me at first, then I decided to stop trying to push it on my wife and just keep moving forward with real estate investing. With one little side note I always made sure I read the real estate books in front of her. Not push it on her just any work I was doing it was done in her presence whenever possible. With a little question here and there. Just say hey honey what do you think of these cabinets for this kitchen? and whatever her response was I would praise her. Say "wow you're right hmm you have such a good eye for that stuff, thanks." Then walk away not mention it again till next time. It's taken us three years but now she has her realtors license and selling whatever we build and is now doing her own reading out of her own free will. Lol It was frustrating at first however she now has her own drive for it and is pushing me to move forward now whenever I try to chicken out of something. Not sure if it will work for you but it worked for me, was able to get her fire going and now we are both on this journey together. Good luck
@Alicia Marks what works for me was talking about the why I wanted to do it (more time with family, less stress if one of us were to lose our jobs, etc.)
Next step was to make it not her problem/less risky. I worked a cash out refi on the primary - luck stepped in here and thanks to interest rates going down, was able to do so without our payment going up. Stuck to the cash out amount to be what we had to get started.
Finally, and this one was the hardest, gave her veto power on any property that I was going to offer on. Helps that she has a great "gut". The one time we offered on something that she wasn't 100% on, the inspection came back WAY worse than we expected, so we had to kick it.