Investor · San Jose Ca · Member since 2020 · 125 posts · 115 votes
My wife is super pessimistic with things and worst case is the first thing to her mind about most things. I wan't to do a BRRRR but she has a hard time wrapping her head around the idea. Not sure how to get her on board and support it. When new at it, this stuff is stressful enough, I want her to be positive and supportive. Is that asking to much ?
My wife is super pessimistic with things and worst case is the first thing to her mind about most things. I wan't to do a BRRRR but she has a hard time wrapping her head around the idea. Not sure how to get her on board and support it. When new at it, this stuff is stressful enough, I want her to be positive and supportive. Is that asking to much ?
Your wife would probably tell us that she is cautious, conservative with money and responsible. She would tell us you are a dreamer who is overly optimistic. Try to understand her perspective. You think you have it all figured out, but you have not convinced her. She believes she has good reasons to doubt your strategy and she may be right!
My advice is do the following:
1. Show her the reason you want to do this. You are trying to setup your families financial future, so this is for the families long term benefit. Maybe the goal is early retirement or extra money so one of you can stay home with the kids. Whatever the reason, bring her into your shared vision.
2. Ask her to read a book on real estate investing. She may not be interested, so offer to read a book of her choice in exchange. In order to better understand each other, you both need to work at it. You can read or listen to a book together as a way to bond.
3. Talk to her about a short term reward of her choice after the successful investment. It could be a vacation, shopping trip, day at the spa, etc. Basically tell her if she comes along for the ride, each deal we get a reward. This is different than item 1, because it is a a short term benefit. Some people don't like investing, but maybe that reward can fund her passion, whatever that is.
4. Acknowledge all her concerns. Don't tell her she is wrong. Agree with everything she says and offer a plan to overcome her concerns. "Yes I am concerned we could be over budget, which is why I am putting 25% extra for miscellaneous in the budget." Appreciate her contribution. My wife balances me out, she doesn't hold me back. Get your mindset right around why she has concerns.
5. Have a backup plan. If she sees too much risk with BRRRR, then maybe turn key buy and hold is a better choice in the short term. My wife doesn't like major rehab projects, so I work within her comfort level. It may take baby steps. Start with a small project and prove you can do it. Her trust will grow as you prove success.
Yep, I think Joe has done a really good job laying things out. BRRRR is a riskier strategy if you not know what you are getting yourself into. I would advise against starting with it unless you have significant knowledge/understanding of construction. House hacking is the best way to get your feet wet and also obtain a sense of what things cost by acting as your own property manager.
We get this questions at least once a month here in the forums, sometimes once a week. Invariably, it's the man who's raring to go and the woman who's holding back. The best advice I can offer is to show, not tell. Get as much credible evidence that yes, this should work, and present it to her with a minimum of talking. Let her come to her own decision.
Your wife's not a machine. She's not always going to be supportive. It is too much to expect.
In my opinion it is about finding common ground in regard to goals/what you want/what you each value. The emphasis needs to be on what real estate can provide, not real estate. It is the vehicle. My wife doesn't like real estate either, but you know what she does like- knowing the kids are fed, clothed, have options in life. She likes knowing if one deal goes wrong, we will be fine. She likes knowing REI is a vehicle to allow us to travel, retire early, help other family members, breathe easy when others around us are scraping by. My wife also needed to see the model proven by someone else to "believe" it could be a good thing. I am pretty conservative by nature and REI is an "extra" that adds to our W-2 income. Our kids would be taken care of it we dropped all REI today as our W-2's provide what they need, but our life is better with REI, opportunities more and greater and the flexibility it may provide some day exists as well.
I don't think the key is convincing her or twisting her arm. The key is just showing her REI in terms of what the vehicle could do for your family. How it could benefit things she holds near and dear/things that are important to her.
@Jeffrey Evans I think the best thing to do is focus on the why when sharing with her. ie dream with her, "imagine what our lives would be like if we can effectively invest", etc. She may not have any interest in being actively involved for a while if ever and that's ok, provided she is supportive enough to give you the freedom to go for it. In marriage we're suppose to support any pursuits that are important to our spouse. My wife was a lot less interested in RE initially. I educated myself completely without her involvement. We talked through different ideas and settled on a strategy that we were both comfortable with. Now that we are making some money in REI she is a lot more interested. Once there is a proof of concept and you experience some mild success she will likely come around. REI can help you as a couple achieve your dreams. Why not? Good luck!
I am in the same boat. My wife is very “conventional” in terms of thinking about money, ie only thinks a job is a legit way to make it. She is also very debt averse so even if a house cash flows very well, the extra hundreds of thousands in debt makes her nervous.
I'm in the middle of my first BRRRR now, hopefully it goes halfway decent and she will see the the value of real estate!
@Matt W. Nice! She sounds just like my wife. My wife has never even had a car payment. She def has a hard time looking past the debt to see the profit at the end.
@Jeffrey Evans I think you are asking much at the beginning. You just need her to understand you want to do this. It will take time, and it’s not for everyone.
My wife is not involved in any of the portfolio (175 doors), but she understood how much I wanted to do this for our family. Today, she wants to retire in 3-5 years. She’s still young, but more supportive with no desire to entire the RE business. I’m okay with that b/c she has other interests.
@Joe Splitrock that’s a very beautiful answer I love it, I feel you have a history of multiple loses and are a risk taker so try to understand your wife besides she is intuitive and wants you to prove her right. Don’t rush into judging her character she is that way for a reason
@Matt W. Nice! She sounds just like my wife. My wife has never even had a car payment. She def has a hard time looking past the debt to see the profit at the end.
Sometimes I search tax records and find owners who have 20+ properties in town, and at least half of the time they live in a particular fancy gated community called Landfall. Lately I've been showing my wife when I find these, as in "See?! Landfall people own 30 houses!"
@Jeffrey Evans When I got started I also struggled with getting my wife on board
I was in a different situation as I had lost my job and had to file for bankruptcy when I started.
My wife did tell since I hit rock bottom and had no where to go but up to follow my passion which was Real Estate. So, I did, the entire time she never showed interest and I felt Ibhad no support but silently she supported me even though she never mentioned it. It was very tough because as we all know this business used to be very lonely before BP (Thanks BP).
I knew she was in board when I when I produced some nice checks. I saw bbn it bbn in her face.
All this to say sometimes our spouses don't show their support but internally they are. We just have to produce. She still wants nothing to do with the business because Real Estate is not her passion. The day I decided to be okay with her staying in her business (Hair) which is not my passion we made it work. She does hair, I do Real Estate and that's okay. Best of luck!
@Jeffrey Evans - She needs to feel the success. Not see. Feel.
You need to pull a trump card and do something yourself. When it works out, you need to make a celebration of the success.
As you continue succeeding, you need to reward her for giving you the blessing to do it.
Eventually she will learn to love it. Once she loves it, she's in.
You can't expect her to support something she doesn't understand though. Most people can't understand something unless they're directly (or indirectly) involved in it.
I'll echo what several others have said here. I'm now on flip #13 and #14. When I started it felt like I was taking time away from my family and having to convince my wife everyday. Now, it's Tuesday and we're on a vacation and she's expressed interest in helping on future projects. My best suggestion would be to offer a book trade. You read a book she wants you to read and she reads a real estate book you suggest. Mini book club for spouses. Good luck!
Honestly, your wife sounds like mine. Probably a great woman to have by your side.
I call my wife my guard rail. I'm the self employed, pioneer, investor/ calculated risk taker in our family. Im not afraid to lose money and im not phased by creating a lot of it. I see money as a tool to make more and she see it as a necessary tool to maintain our lifestyle and our future.
With that said i let her be herself at all times and I remain myself and keep building our portfolio without batting a eye. I hear her loud and clear when she feels I may be going off the rails. I forces me to tighten my sales pitch up to get here on board. Lol.
At the end after 2 decades of our relationship she trust me and my judgment and I trust her as well.
What I would put in your back pocket to share with your wife is
I came home one day (while my wife was 2 months pregnant) and told her I would be liquidating ALL of our retirement accounts (paying the penalties) to invest in rental properties in Newark, NJ. Her response was a slow "Are you sure?" and without hesitating I responded emphatically I'm POSITIVE!! The 1st year was a mess as I had 4 deals fall apart but in February of year 2 I bought a turn key 3 family, then in May of that year I bought a 2 family that needed a $70K reno. In year 3 I was still struggling but I bought 2 more properties that needed work and by the end of that year we finally started seeing the fruits of our labor.
As long as your committed to this Real Estate game your wife will see that and everything will work out...if your patient. You will get tested and usually right in the beginning to make sure your up for the challenge. If you can make it through those initial challenges, the dividends this game pays over the long term are SO WORTH THE WAIT. Good Luck and hope that 1st turn key deal works out for you because that can be the catalyst you need as my turn key deal was for me.
Humble opinion... the mental block probably is yours and it is easier to blame. Once you do it she will see results and she will go easier on you. We can smell confidence and that is what you need to show her. My partner did not agree so i just bought the house and started working on it :).
Speak to her core values. Do you know what her values are? What motivates her and drives her actions? How a person spends their money and their time is probably a better indicator of what they actually value than anything else. What does she do with her money and her free time? What does she want you to do?
@Jeffrey Evans I am so new at all of this investing stuff (I am still in knowledge building phase) but I want to encourage you that the fact that you are asking this question is half the battle. You are showing that you care about her needs and that you value your wife. That is honorable and will be rewarded I believe. I don’t have an answer for the how but it seems you have the right heart behind it. Keep it up!
@Jeffrey Evans does she 100% grasp and understand the differences between assets and liabilities? If she can see an end goal and have a vision on what to do with the monthly cash flow you two can produce from a few investment properties maybe she can use that as fuel to be more interested in real estate with you
Awesome advise @Joe Splitrock, I have the same issues with my husband, he does not believe in anything I have tried to do to better our financial future, but I do understand his reasoning because I have tried a few different things in the past and nothing has really been lucrative. This time though I feel more confident about this business than most others I’ve done but I do also understand it still risky and takes time and effort.
But I like your suggestions and I may try using some of those ideas myself in the hopes of getting my own husband on board. Thank you both for posting, this really helps.