How do I get my wife on board!!
Investor · San Jose Ca · Member since 2020 · 125 posts · 115 votes
How do I get my wife on board!!
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Rental Property Investor · Sioux Falls, SD · Member since 2015 · 9k+ posts · 18k+ votes
5yOriginally posted by @Jeffrey Evans:
My wife is super pessimistic with things and worst case is the first thing to her mind about most things. I wan't to do a BRRRR but she has a hard time wrapping her head around the idea. Not sure how to get her on board and support it. When new at it, this stuff is stressful enough, I want her to be positive and supportive. Is that asking to much ?
Your wife would probably tell us that she is cautious, conservative with money and responsible. She would tell us you are a dreamer who is overly optimistic. Try to understand her perspective. You think you have it all figured out, but you have not convinced her. She believes she has good reasons to doubt your strategy and she may be right!
My advice is do the following:
1. Show her the reason you want to do this. You are trying to setup your families financial future, so this is for the families long term benefit. Maybe the goal is early retirement or extra money so one of you can stay home with the kids. Whatever the reason, bring her into your shared vision.
2. Ask her to read a book on real estate investing. She may not be interested, so offer to read a book of her choice in exchange. In order to better understand each other, you both need to work at it. You can read or listen to a book together as a way to bond.
3. Talk to her about a short term reward of her choice after the successful investment. It could be a vacation, shopping trip, day at the spa, etc. Basically tell her if she comes along for the ride, each deal we get a reward. This is different than item 1, because it is a a short term benefit. Some people don't like investing, but maybe that reward can fund her passion, whatever that is.
4. Acknowledge all her concerns. Don't tell her she is wrong. Agree with everything she says and offer a plan to overcome her concerns. "Yes I am concerned we could be over budget, which is why I am putting 25% extra for miscellaneous in the budget." Appreciate her contribution. My wife balances me out, she doesn't hold me back. Get your mindset right around why she has concerns.
5. Have a backup plan. If she sees too much risk with BRRRR, then maybe turn key buy and hold is a better choice in the short term. My wife doesn't like major rehab projects, so I work within her comfort level. It may take baby steps. Start with a small project and prove you can do it. Her trust will grow as you prove success.
104 Replies
- Mason, MI · Member since 2020 · 21 posts · 8 votes5y
I'm in the same boat! I'm working on a plan to get her on board.
- Rental Property Investor · Knoxville, TN · Member since 2020 · 51 posts · 40 votes5y
@Jeffrey Evans
😂😂😂😂😂
1. Have you set down and heard her out? More than likely she’s being reasonable and has real concerns.
2. It’s good to hear all the worst case scenarios! You want to have multiple exit strategies.
3. Tell your partner what is “why” behind wanting to get into real estate.
If your answer to your “why” is to create a better life for yourself and your family. She will support you 100%.
Wishing you luck 🥳
- Rental Property Investor · Dayton, OH · Member since 2021 · 3 posts · 0 votes5y
From experience it took time to really understand the process and what we both could bring to the table !
For me at first it sounded overwhelming bc I didn’t feel it was my experience ( I’m a nurse ).
Once I understood fully -the numbers , saw the big picture, realized I had value in process , meeting contractors , getting bids , networking , painting , brainstorming and it made sense more than me working as as a nurse ...I am now on board ;)
Understanding the process from a women’s view , and understanding our roles and value we bring !!
But that being said ..it did take some time .we have been investing for 8 years . Now I love it !
- Multifamily Syndicator · Houston, TX · Member since 2016 · 1k+ posts · 2k+ votes5y
YOU SELL HER THE DREAM!!! Get her to drink the cool-aid!
- Investor · San Jose Ca · Member since 2020 · 125 posts · 115 votes5y
@Aaron Bristol Great idea!
@Guido Nunez I don't think my wife will want to be involved much either. I think it would stress her out to much. Honestly the less she knows about the details prob the better. But I wan't her to at least be somewhat supportive on it.
@Michellene F. true I don't think she wants me to rush her to much. But she does want me to discuss things with her. I need to set up a day to map it out and explain it to her in a way she can process and appreciate.
@Matt W. thats a great idea! She is always talking about how she wishes we could buy a house in a good neighbor hood and get out of our condo. I have to open her eyes to the possibility of REI being a bridge to help us get to that point.
@William Moya Nice come back from rock bottom! Love hearing stories like that. And yes BP is great spot for like minded people!
@Michael Ablan for sure. I mean I am just starting and learning myself. I tend to jump in to things with both feet with tons of motivation. This can be good and bad ha. I just need to be patient with her. Hoping the turn key place I am purchasing goes smooth and does well and that will ease her mind and show an example of possibilities.
@Karen Salem ha she has no idea I posted this :) Not sure she would love it though
@Account Closed gonna give that a try.
@Louie Joles Thats kinda what I did with this first turn key door I am getting. At first she was upset but then she came around and is somewhat supportive. Even though she takes little negative jabs here and there :)
@Joe Edwards Scated money def doesn't make money!!
@Anthony Marin NIce! Way to take off the life jacket and jump in feet first!!
@Carol Birnberg good idea. I have to show her I have no doubts in it working ! If I show any weakness she will latch on to that bit of fear.
@J. Andrew Meeks thanks man! Yes I def care about her and want to keep her in the loop to some degree!
@Wyatt Postal she struggles to differentiate between assets and liabilities for sure. She has lived her life debt free for the most part. I try to use our current place as a reference of the potential. Granted we are in San Jose and not all areas have the drastic swings up and down as here but we have grown a lot of equity in our place.
@Robin Hopkins your situation sounds similar to mine. I get excited about things but they don't all stick. She views this as impulsive and reckless. Just have to stick with the REI thing to show her I am serious.
@Nathan Olds Good luck !!
@Jeffery Callis I have not really sat down with her. I am planning to just want to have a good plan for explaining it to her before I do
@Jessie Tingley Nice my wife and I are both nurses as well.
@Ola Dantis For sure! I am trying !!
So much fantastic advice!! Thanks everyone I really appreciate it!
- 5yDan DiFilippoBusiness MemberReal Estate Broker · Fayetteville, NC · Member since 2020 · 251 posts · 244 votes
@Jeffrey Evans you guys-...do-.... are we supposed to have wives?
But in all seriousness, maybe a good starting point would be a rent-ready rental to get her more comfortable with the idea of real estate investing.
- Rental Property Investor · Sioux Falls, SD · Member since 2015 · 9k+ posts · 18k+ votes5y
Originally posted by @Robin Hopkins:
@Joe Splitrock
Awesome advise @Joe Splitrock, I have the same issues with my husband, he does not believe in anything I have tried to do to better our financial future, but I do understand his reasoning because I have tried a few different things in the past and nothing has really been lucrative. This time though I feel more confident about this business than most others I’ve done but I do also understand it still risky and takes time and effort.
But I like your suggestions and I may try using some of those ideas myself in the hopes of getting my own husband on board. Thank you both for posting, this really helps.
No problem and of course my advice works both ways. Every relationship generally has a "dreamer" and a "realist". The dreamer is more willing to take chances and try things, sometimes with success and sometimes not so great. The realist is the one who is cautious and risk adverse. It actually works well in a relationship to have these two types of people together, because they provide balance. My wife is the realist and I am the dreamer. Sounds like you are the other way around. Every time we buy a rental property my wife says, "This is the last one, now lets pay down debt". I say ok and every time we end up buying another one, haha.
- 5yGarrett HollenbachPro MemberRental Property Investor · Salisbury, MD · Member since 2020 · 22 posts · 1 vote
@Jeffrey Evans
I would make a deal with her. Tell her to read “rich dad poor dad” and in exchange, you’ll read any book she chooses...or you’ll do ________?
She needs to change her mindset. Her thoughts on finances. That is what will change her to get on board
Do this lovingly!!
- Real Estate Agent · Fort Lauderdale, FL · Member since 2018 · 360 posts · 213 votes5y
YOu dont, just keep doing what you are doing, Love her, support her, dont argue , just focus on getting more knowledge , network etc .. and just share with her your experience and feeling with the books you read , the people you meet . little by little you bring her to your world because cos now she feels forced .
Show lots of interest on Real estate topic and activities Then RE becomes one of your Interesting TOpics and by synergy it might spark and interest on her to see what you are up too, then she will be a bit open.
And at list sit down with her Seriously without expecting anything in return Just share why you want to do it and your intentions and reason. and the Ask her how does she feels about it.. what are her thoughts ( even though you known) but still hear her out and understand. and tweak and modify and persist, sometimes is not even about RE. IT could be on top of financial fear. it could be that she feels left out or lack of trust in you ( that might be a hard one to take but it could.. )
OVer all , persist , show consistency and she will follow..
- Rental Property Investor · Westminster, MD · Member since 2014 · 165 posts · 221 votes5y
@Jeffrey Evans
Invite her to a REI meeting with like minded investors doing these type of things in your market.
- Rental Property Investor · Columbus, OH · Member since 2020 · 15 posts · 13 votes5y
@Jeffrey Evans Mine seems to be a lot like yours. I’m thinking about finding a new wife. You know one that is part of the team. Lol
- Investor · San Jose Ca · Member since 2020 · 125 posts · 115 votes5y
@Dan DiFilippo ya thats the plan, in escrow know on a turn key new build in Tx. Hoping it all goes smooth.
@Joe Splitrock My wife and I are def opposites. Does seem to balance us out for the most part. But can be very frustrating also. I am by far the risk taker. I am into dangerous sports ect. She is afraid to go for a walk by herself even though we live in a nice area. I think If I stick with it and keep teaching her the upsides and potential as I learn that she will come around. jj
@Garrett Hollenbach for sure. I am reading rich dad poor dad now. I read it many years ago. Then bought a bare lot on a private lake and ended up loosing it all in the long run. I shouldn't have told her that story I guess, it def didn't help me :) Hoping this go around I do it smarter and wiser and stay persistent and succeed at it. Trying to sell her on it as a retirement income strategy. Not really trying to quit my day job since I like it and it has really good retirement and medical coverage after I retire. But I want something to produce income and keep me driven after I retire. And now for that matter, my day job can be unstimulating at times.
@George Munoz Great stuff man. I like it. I def need to work on listening to her and hearing her out. I want to sit down with her listen to her fears and have my ducks in a row to show and explain to her how I plan to minimize the risk of her fears.
@Patrick McGrath great idea! I need to find a local REI meeting. Most likely zoom at the moment, which could be an advantage since she will be there by default and hopefully hear the others and pick up on things without me pushing her to attend!
@Vince Dent ha trust me those thoughts have crossed my mind also. Some times she makes me crazy :) but at the end of the day I know I was meant to be with her and I am with her to help her over come her fears in life and she is here to help balance my and my crazy side!
- Rental Property Investor · Sioux Falls, SD · Member since 2015 · 9k+ posts · 18k+ votes5y
Originally posted by @Jeffrey Evans:
@Dan DiFilippo ya thats the plan, in escrow know on a turn key new build in Tx. Hoping it all goes smooth.
@Joe Splitrock My wife and I are def opposites. Does seem to balance us out for the most part. But can be very frustrating also. I am by far the risk taker. I am into dangerous sports ect. She is afraid to go for a walk by herself even though we live in a nice area. I think If I stick with it and keep teaching her the upsides and potential as I learn that she will come around. jj
@Garrett Hollenbach for sure. I am reading rich dad poor dad now. I read it many years ago. Then bought a bare lot on a private lake and ended up loosing it all in the long run. I shouldn't have told her that story I guess, it def didn't help me :) Hoping this go around I do it smarter and wiser and stay persistent and succeed at it. Trying to sell her on it as a retirement income strategy. Not really trying to quit my day job since I like it and it has really good retirement and medical coverage after I retire. But I want something to produce income and keep me driven after I retire. And now for that matter, my day job can be unstimulating at times.
@George Munoz Great stuff man. I like it. I def need to work on listening to her and hearing her out. I want to sit down with her listen to her fears and have my ducks in a row to show and explain to her how I plan to minimize the risk of her fears.
@Patrick McGrath great idea! I need to find a local REI meeting. Most likely zoom at the moment, which could be an advantage since she will be there by default and hopefully hear the others and pick up on things without me pushing her to attend!
@Vince Dent ha trust me those thoughts have crossed my mind also. Some times she makes me crazy :) but at the end of the day I know I was meant to be with her and I am with her to help her over come her fears in life and she is here to help balance my and my crazy side!
I am sure she will come around, but understand the balance is important too. Taking risks can turn out badly. Riding a motor cycle is more risky than driving in a car. Not wearing a helmet is taking unnecessary risks. Applying that to real estate, there is always risk, but there are also ways to reduce risk. Good tenant screening, keeping properties in good repair, good insurance and not allowing high risk items like trampolines in rental properties are all ways you can reduce risk. Risk is a spectrum, so find a place that makes you both comfortable. As she sees success, she will be comfortable taking more risk.
- Investor · San Jose Ca · Member since 2020 · 125 posts · 115 votes5y
@Joe Splitrock great analogy! I like it. Speaking of insurance on my turn key rental is there any guidance on what I should get? I was just going to go through state farm since have all my stuff through them. Do I need any extra coverage or anything since it is a rental?
- Rental Property Investor · Sioux Falls, SD · Member since 2015 · 9k+ posts · 18k+ votes5y
Originally posted by @Jeffrey Evans:
@Joe Splitrock great analogy! I like it. Speaking of insurance on my turn key rental is there any guidance on what I should get? I was just going to go through state farm since have all my stuff through them. Do I need any extra coverage or anything since it is a rental?
We have an umbrella policy on top of our rental policy that increases liability limits. A standard landlord policy through State Farm is fine, but they probably have lower liability limits. If you get the umbrella policy through the same company as your personal, auto and landlord policy, odds are good the umbrella policy covers everything. Meaning it increases liability limits across the board. Talk to your agent and they can help. My umbrella liability policy is cheap and it adds piece of mind.
- Investor · San Jose Ca · Member since 2020 · 125 posts · 115 votes5y
@Joe Splitrock thanks for the advice. I have an umbrella policy on my stuff in California. I will ask if it will cover my Tx place if needed.
- Real Estate Agent · Fort Lauderdale, FL · Member since 2018 · 360 posts · 213 votes5y
Originally posted by @Terrell Garren:
Just like my wonderful wife. Here's her journey
- SFHs 1-5 !$%WTF#! are you doing!!!
- SFHs 6-10 OK, but don't expect me to like it #$%$#!
- SFHs 11-15 Gee, this really does make money
- SFHs 15-20 Can I help with admin and remodels?
- SFHs 20-23 I am so !$%$#! glad I thought of this. Hand me another margarita
This could actually be a MEME... lol
- Rental Property Investor · Richmond, VA · Member since 2015 · 128 posts · 25 votes5y
@Jeffrey Evans I had her listen to Roch Dad Poor Dad on audiobook.
- 5yKaren HigginsPro MemberMinneapolis, MN · Member since 2017 · 83 posts · 89 votes
Not sure of your personal finance situation, but I would say, make sure that your personal finances are in order and organized. That can put her mind at ease for any "worse case scenarios". When my husband 1st brought up the idea of investing 10+ years ago, we talked about it a lot, and then I read "Rich Dad, Poor Dad" and haven't looked back since. Good luck!!
- Real Estate Agent · Denver, CO · Member since 2020 · 103 posts · 65 votes5y
@Jeffrey Evans, think about or find out what makes her excited about homes. Does she enjoy renovation projects? Or is she focused on the bottom line? Once you figure it out present it to her in that way. If she likes reno, let her pick all or the finishings or let her knock down some walls if it makes sense. If she's focused on bottom line, then spell it out to her in a spreadsheet, worst case and best case. Create a presentation and a project plan. Do your research on actual costs (not just google, call contractors). Think about timelines, taxes, the responsibility of being a landlord. It doesn't seem as though she's not supportive, but rather you haven't given her a good enough reason to be supportive. Your wife is an investor in your project, you must treat her like one.
If you do full due diligence and create a plan, even if you fail, at least she will know that you thought through things and weren't riding high on the promise of making millions through RE investing and using fuzzy math.
- Member since 2021 · 67 posts · 52 votes5y
I think it's worth explaining "why" investing in real estate is important to you and your family and how it will help you both achieve your financial goals. If you can clearly explain how this will add value to your lives long term, the battle is won.
- 5yWale LawalBusiness MemberReal Estate Broker · Houston | Dallas | Austin, TX · Member since 2018 · 5k+ posts · 2k+ votes
@Jeffrey Evans
Absolutely important you get your wife on the same page with you.
It will make your investment journey easier and enjoyable.
I was in the same boat 2 years ago and I was able to get her on board with my tenacity, few results and few short Podcasts (She only care about the summary 😀).
BiggerPockets Episode #362, #65, #88, #115, and #411 can help you get her on board.
This blog is also good.
www.BiggerPockets.com/blog/reluctant-spouse-board-investing-real-estate
Goodluck my man!
NETWORTH BUILDERS5237 Reviews - Miami, FL · Member since 2015 · 154 posts · 38 votes5y
@Jeffrey Evans you might have to do this on your own and when your wife see results then she wouldn’t mind being a partner.
- Investor · VA but NOT in real estate · Member since 2020 · 57 posts · 55 votes5y
I'll take the other side of this. Maybe your wife is right? Finding cash flowing RE right now is very difficult. How about some other options?
- Rental Property Investor · Lafayette, LA · Member since 2019 · 40 posts · 42 votes5y
@Terrell Garren
I love it! It’s not until you show that it works till they are on board
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