How do I get my wife on board!!
Investor · San Jose Ca · Member since 2020 · 125 posts · 115 votes
My wife is super pessimistic with things and worst case is the first thing to her mind about most things. I wan't to do a BRRRR but she has a hard time wrapping her head around the idea. Not sure how to get her on board and support it. When new at it, this stuff is stressful enough, I want her to be positive and supportive. Is that asking to much ?
My wife is super pessimistic with things and worst case is the first thing to her mind about most things. I wan't to do a BRRRR but she has a hard time wrapping her head around the idea. Not sure how to get her on board and support it. When new at it, this stuff is stressful enough, I want her to be positive and supportive. Is that asking to much ?
Your wife would probably tell us that she is cautious, conservative with money and responsible. She would tell us you are a dreamer who is overly optimistic. Try to understand her perspective. You think you have it all figured out, but you have not convinced her. She believes she has good reasons to doubt your strategy and she may be right!
My advice is do the following:
1. Show her the reason you want to do this. You are trying to setup your families financial future, so this is for the families long term benefit. Maybe the goal is early retirement or extra money so one of you can stay home with the kids. Whatever the reason, bring her into your shared vision.
2. Ask her to read a book on real estate investing. She may not be interested, so offer to read a book of her choice in exchange. In order to better understand each other, you both need to work at it. You can read or listen to a book together as a way to bond.
3. Talk to her about a short term reward of her choice after the successful investment. It could be a vacation, shopping trip, day at the spa, etc. Basically tell her if she comes along for the ride, each deal we get a reward. This is different than item 1, because it is a a short term benefit. Some people don't like investing, but maybe that reward can fund her passion, whatever that is.
4. Acknowledge all her concerns. Don't tell her she is wrong. Agree with everything she says and offer a plan to overcome her concerns. "Yes I am concerned we could be over budget, which is why I am putting 25% extra for miscellaneous in the budget." Appreciate her contribution. My wife balances me out, she doesn't hold me back. Get your mindset right around why she has concerns.
5. Have a backup plan. If she sees too much risk with BRRRR, then maybe turn key buy and hold is a better choice in the short term. My wife doesn't like major rehab projects, so I work within her comfort level. It may take baby steps. Start with a small project and prove you can do it. Her trust will grow as you prove success.
@Jeffrey Evans
First you need to find what drives her and back I to it from that angle. Agree along the way and find where the true obstacles/resistance is .
Is it real estate In general?
Is it the BRRR method ? (Maybe turnkey to start then )
Is it the area ? (Change it )
Is it the out of pocket expenses (reduce them )
Is it the risk ? Talk to her about your multiple exit strategies as well as worst case scenario.
If your worst case scenario is that you lose everything you have worked for , then you are taking on too much risk.
Start small if you must and show rewards that are in her language (is it more time ? Nicer things ? More savings ? More net worth ? Lower house payment etc etc )
Do a goal setting date/vacation to really dig into her motivators (maybe don’t call them that ). Maybe on the vacation you could meet up with successful people and she can see the life from her point of view.
@David Adams
I will tell you my story .. 20 years ago I told my wife I wanted to buy investment real estate . She was not on board . We had about $100k in cash available to invest. She told me invest it in real estate but we are not putting anymore money in this "venture" so make the $100k work. The first 2 houses we bought were owner finance . $50k each . Put 20% down on each . Bought a few more . Had to do local bank financing with 80/20. Did a few of those then I ran out of money . Had to do a few of BRRR . Finally got to a point where we had enough equity that my local banker no longer needed 20% down . Allowed me to cross pledge equity in other properties to use as down payment . That's where things took off . I was able to buy houses with no out of pocket money . Some of the houses we actually got cash back at closing . Using none of my money . Today we have about 100 rentals . It's was a long and hard ride but well worth it
Have her watch a BiggerPockets webinar to help her see basic info. Or try the Rentals to Wealth BiggerPockets series on youtube. Best of luck!
I think you should dive in first, then when she sees the result, then she might get on board.
Typically, family members usually react like this:
1. When starting out - "Don't do that! My friend lost a lot of money trying that!"
2. After some success - "Hey, that's interesting, how do I get in on that?"
I've learned not to listen to inexperienced people during #1.
I don't believe in investing with family members, so I ignore #2.
@Jeffrey Evans It’s not asking too much. Let her know that you know you can do it and you will do it. Sometimes you have go show people your success before they will fully believe in you. Good luck.
@Jeffrey Evans
Find a new wife!!! Kidding 😂
Few options:
1. I think if you find a specific deal run the numbers and present to her as if she was an investor (meaning you are buttoned up and air tight on numbers) that you wanted to partner with the deal on, and close her.... just like you did when you convinced her to marry you !! 😄
2. You can also find a local investor who had done a few more deals then you have, and isn’t trying to sell you on anything .... to just tell their story / share successes.
3. Share worst case scenario (appraisal comes back low / have to shell out a few more bucks / market crashes) etc !
Many will doubt you, until you start proving them wrong!
Hope this helps!!
@Jeffrey Evans
I can sympathize, I just went through with this myself.
I don’t know if this is advice, but this is my personal opinion and thoughts on the matter.
Unfortunately, our partners do not owe us support and belief. I can completely understand where they are coming from if they’ve been taught a life of scarcity, never read a book (never mind real estate book), or listened to a podcast in their life.
It can be scary for those that are risk averse to a fault, compounded by the fact that all they know is that their Uncle Sherman rented to a meth head with 5 kids in one unit and a pit bull breeder with an anger problem in the other. Before you know it he went down in flames, lost everything and now spends his days mining uranium in a gulag somewhere in Siberia. If that’s their only experience with real estate investment, I totally see where they’re coming from.
That being said, what they do owe us is to stay out of our way. They do owe us the freedom to do what we think is best for us and our families.
Regardless of who it is, anyone who tries to sabotage the dreams and goals you’re trying to achieve in the only life you get is a toxic individual. Especially if your goals and dreams will objectively improve your life and the lives of your loved ones. Full stop.
The only exception to this I would say is if you’re involving shared assets. Thanks for your time, if you’re still reading this. Good luck to you.
@Jeffrey Evans
Mine hates RE too. She was cool with the first one since it was a short term vacation rental we would visit. Then I bought another STR near it. She didn't seem happy with that idea. I got it anyway..which probably pissed her off. Then I did a 1031 exchange to buy a SFR near us a year later. She was ok with that idea. It was a nice two story brick house in a good neighborhood. Then I bought three ugly SFRs near us that were turn key that same year. She went ape on me that year. She was not cool with me getting 4 rentals. Then a lot of money went into fixing them up. Foundation repairs, new HVaCs etc. She saw all our $ going towards paying off loans or random repairs. Throw in a dead beat tenant I inherited and that was the straw that broke my wife's back.
Fast forward to today and we have 10 rentals. They cash flow $4400/month with 15 year loans. Two are paid off. I try and spend some of this rent income on her now. Just bought her a nice 11.6k hot tub. Got her a new car two years ago. She’s warming up to the idea of owning rentals. But she’s not totally on board with it. They will cash flow 10-12k/month when I’m retired in 14 years so she’ll be ok with it. But it still bores her to death and makes her nervous to leverage like this. Oh well...
@Jimmy Cantave kinda what I am thinking. I kinda bulldogged my way into this turn key I am in escrow on now. Hoping she sees the light and can get on board. Would make things easier for sure. Ideally be able to talk to her about stuff and problem solve and grow vs jumping to the worst case scenario assumptions like she naturally does now.
@Account Closed always open to options to make money! Its not even the cash flow we need necessarily, we both have good jobs. That would be great of course. Just the idea of having a good rental and someone else paying the mortgage down as it also appreciates over time, to set us up for retirement to be cash flowing would be acceptable as well.
@Stephanie F. ya she is mostly afraid of having the debt of another mortgage. She has a hard time viewing it as an asset. She has never had debt and was raised to not have debt, I think its a Portuguese thing :) But I know If I did 1 and it was successful and she could see it produce money ect, then maybe she would get on board.
@David Adams Nice! Hope I can be that successful with it in 20 years !!
@Stephen DeThample good advice. I do play the pod cast and stuff when we are in the care (even though she hates pod cast) hoping it will rub off on her. There is a REI virtual meetup Jan 28 focused on new investors I am going to try and get her to attend with me. Even if she doesn't I am hoping she will absorb some of it being in the background.
@Aigo Pyles for sure man. Kinda what I am doing with this turn key. I kinda just told her it was my money and I was going to do it. She wasn't super stoked at first but seems ok with it now. Fingers crossed it goes well so she can't say "I told you so" :)
@Paul Balyoz that is exactly her. She has so many examples of it going poorly.
@Martin Neal Thanks ! Ya I try to be soft and open minded with her. Maybe a more firm confident approach would work.
@Rich Solano thats a good plan. She doesn't love math and numbers. But I think If I could break it down and show her the process on paper that maybe she could understand it more. Linking up with a local is a great Idea also. Gonna try and get her to join me on this virtual REIA that is focused on new investors.
@Eric Betten I agree. She wants to be involved and wants me to talk to her about money and all. But if she is going to drag me down and be negative about it then I would prefer her to not even know any details or anything. I am a motivated goal oriented person. She can get on board and be supportive or just stay on the sideline and not hassle me to much about it. Somehow she interprets it as I am being selfish yet that is the furthest thing from the truth. I am doing it for her and I both and our future.
@John Morgan Nice! Way to persevere and learn and grow. There is always going to be ups and downs. I only hope for more ups then downs ha.
A general note (not just to OP) , please don’t assume someone is toxic or unsupportive because they don’t share your vision or they have their own reservations. If you are in a marriage, you have a duty to find common ground, make it work or try something else you both can agree on.
If you are just starting out and already feel they are “toxic” , “unsupportive “ or “fighting” you , then you are starting from a combative position, a true disadvantage. The words you speak, and your mindset set the framework and filters for how you approach conflict. Keep it loving, supportive and positive :)
Man your story is so similar to mine its scary. Stay strong friend, I've been called selfish too amongst other things. Believe in your mission and surround yourself with other people that do too, your network is your net worth. Success and proof is one of the most satisfying I told you so's in life. Good luck to you.
@Jeffrey Evans, my post keeps getting erased but I will try one more time.
My wife has opposed pretty much every rental I have bought for the last 25 years. Since my wife is still not really on board my advice may not be nearly as good as those from guys who convinced their wives to jump in with them.
First give her the respect of listening to her uninterrupted while she tells you why it is not a good idea. Be open minded, DO NOT INTERRUPT HER. She probably knows you better than nearly anyone and has a reason to feel like she does. You need to respect her feelings. Just listening without arguing will help. Seek to understand before you seek to be understood.
Next, when I started I really was not very good at real estate. It took about 6 years before I wised up and started doing math on paper to evaluate houses. Now I put down price, interest rate, term of mortgage, monthly payment, taxes, insurance, a monthly amount for repairs, capital expenditures, vacancy, and estimated cost of rehab. It didn't stop my wife from objecting, but it made her a lot more comfortable.
I explained to my wife that when we were dating I was riding bulls, riding race horses in races, working in an oil derrick 140 feet in the air, etc. I was a risk taker. She cannot expect me to be someone I am not, nor to change who I am inside to please her. I don't chase other women, go out drinking all night, spend money on gambling, or things like that. I deserve the respect of being able to try to run a real estate business if it doesn't endanger our family. I am educated and intelligent, you just cannot assume I will fail.
Next I explained that I don't want to work until the day I die like my father did. I want financial security for us and our family. Real estate is the only avenue I see to get there. I have a very high stress job, I don't want to do it forever.
Finally, I don't want to sound like a bigot, but I made upwards of 90% of the family income. It is my job to provide for the family. She does not have that weight, but I do. I need to provide even if I die early. Real estate is a safety hedge in case I am unable to work. Now I would NEVER have achieved anything near my current success without my wife. She is intelligent educated and very hard working. She helps offset my lack of organization and impulsiveness. She actually does all of the books of my rentals. That is a dam tough job.
We occasionally still have arguments about real estate, but not very often, despite buying for 25 years. Saying often says we have enough, or we just need to pay them off and stop. We are now over 40 units and we fought for months over hiring someone to help run them. We try to disagree respectfully. There are times she appreciates the rentals. One rental I bought she looked at and said it made her want to go take a shower it was so bad. I sold it 3 weeks later for a $14K profit. That favorable impression lasted until I bought the next one. I made some mistakes and learned lessons. I have learned to listen to her, she sees things that I often don't. I still go ahead. It can be hard when you only hear negative comments.
She deserves the respect to be listened to seriously, you deserve the respect to be able to try. My net worth in my real estate company is double all my other assets, including retirement. My wife appreciates that. Sometimes you have to agree to disagree, but you cannot change who you are to please someone else.
I hope this helps.
@Jeffrey Evans start small. Don’t go for the home run in the first asks. Understand her “why” and share yours - then work together to drive towards those “whys”. Getting your partner on board can take months or years but it’s the only good way to do it
@Eric Betten Thanks man!
@Jerry W. Great Stuff! Your situation sounds so familiar. My wife new who she married. I have always been into racing motorcycles and downhill mountain bikes. I am older now and less risk taking but still have that personality. At the same time I knew who she was and need to hear her out and be sincere and open minded with her worries and concerns. Then just have all my ducks in a row to present to her how we can mitigate and decrease risk as much as possible.
@Connor Cushman Ver true. I can do it with out her being fully on board. But the journey would be much more enjoyable to share it with her for sure.
@Jeffrey Evans what you're really looking for from what I can tell is horizontal income streams. Wise, but keep in mind that there's more than one way to skin a cat. Some other horizontal income streams that immediately come to mind are side hustles, alternative investments (notes, partnerships), purchasing a small business, starting a business. There is a whole lot more in the income universe than a W2 job and real estate. To put it plainly, everyone and their brother and aunt is looking at getting into real estate right now. The margins for buy and hold are slim and wholesalers in hot markets are dropping like flies. For now I'm going to take a pass.Warren Buffet said it well: “Be fearful when others are greedy and be greedy when others are fearful.” If you really think real estate might be your jam, great! Now is the time to get educated. That need not be a costly affair.
Changing the subject a bit, let me opine on one thing I do know about: being married for a long time. If you're lucky, and Lord knows I am, you have a loving and supportive wife. If she's balking, there's a reason why. Decades of marriage experience have taught me that if DW is informed and still isn't on board, then there's a good reason and it Simply Isn't Happening.
@Account Closed For sure. The wife is pretty supportive and all. She is actually great for slowing me down and balancing me out. I haven't really had the serious sit down with her yet and got into the nuts and bolts or anything. I am waiting a bit until this first rental I am in the middle of closes and hopefully goes well and I am actually ready to take the next step.
@Jeffrey Evans, I have read several posts with this same question. As a therapist and real estate investor, I have commented on several of these posts, however it is difficult to explain in as much detail as I would like. One thing you could do would be to do a search on YouTube and look for videos on Getting Your Spouse on Board to Invest in Real Estate. I am pretty sure you will find some good videos with longer explanations there.
@Terrell Garren
My girl made over 😆😆
@Joe Splitrock
I love that, your description/explanation nails it exactly how I see the relationship too. Like you mentioned it’s the ying and yang of real estate investing, all about the balance and you are so right he keeps me balanced on most issues, but once he sees even the first successful deal I know he will come around because I agree that right now all he sees is risk of loosing everything, our home, cars, money, just everything but once I can show him this can work or it can be successful even if it takes awhile to reach a decent financial status, I just know it can work.
@George Munoz
That is hysterical George. I am worried that eventually my husband may have the same journey in mind but I don’t know if I want him to be involved, I love him to much and don’t want to end up fighting too much or killing each other over property or design issues.... LOL (just kidding by the way)
@Account Closed For sure. The wife is pretty supportive and all. She is actually great for slowing me down and balancing me out. I haven't really had the serious sit down with her yet and got into the nuts and bolts or anything. I am waiting a bit until this first rental I am in the middle of closes and hopefully goes well and I am actually ready to take the next step.
OK brah. You know your wife far better than I. I just remember something I heard Dave Ramsey talk about: he learned that whenever his wife had a bad feeling about something and he ignored it, it would cost him at at least $10K. Just sayin'. Your wife is or should be your best friend. If she's thinking something's a bad idea, it probably is.
Full disclosure: I'm a budding Real Estate Pariah so take anything I say about Real Estate with that in mind. This looks an awful lot like 2005-2006 to me, but what do I know? I'm a pariah! ;-)