After vetting very carefully I ended up offering my studio apartment to a woman with 2 cats.    

The property is a cute 2-bedroom, 2-bath condo directly on the beach.

BRRRR is a cute term, but after doing some major rehabs, I'll tell you what it really is - you are buying an absolute mess of a property.

So the story goes that this young woman sees the property is for sale for 6 months, and calls the owner.  

It’s cute.

It was a small and cute house in the best school district, in the path of growth, and had a shed the previous owner had put some effort into.

You are a business woman and not a social worker.Before going further, you mentioned the mother died intestate. 

Instead of phrases like "dogs playing poker" and "quentin tarantino" (which make zero sense to me) maybe put the BR/BA mix and the cross streets, don't try and get too cute with it.

Yes we were successful winning bidding wars 3 months ago using the family postcard technique;) Basically, we added a cute picture of our family along with our offers (which were based on conventional financing) and our “humanity” made us win over the cash offers.

Everyone's gotta be all cute & nice when money is tight.