Soon-to-be wife not on board

D'Andre Byers · 2019-08-08T19:31:10-07:00

I've searched around the forums looking for someone in a similar situation but it seems like not many are where I'm at.I'm 21 years old and just recently got engaged. I don't yet have any investment properties. I know the saying "happy wife, happy life" and I don't want to start our future together on a bad note. She is very adamant on buying a nice pristine house (small starter houses) that range anywhere from $100,000-$200,000. I'm listening to as many podcast episodes here on BP as I can to try and find new ways to invest and also give her what she wants but she won't budge. I've mentioned live-in flips, house hacking, and just plain old rentals. But it seems that every "solution" that I offer is combatted with another reason that we shouldn't.She's saying that we are too young (she is 21 as well) and although I know that REI takes time, what better time than when we're both young to formulate a plan, and put it into action? Soon (but not too soon) kids will be thrown into the mix and I fear that they will just be an excuse to put off investing further and further until I get stuck in a situation where investing just won't be feasible. I just spent my down payment for a house on a ring and now we are planning a wedding so I have time to work her into the idea of investing. This also gives me time to learn more and more about investing before starting out. I'm keeping my mind open to the fact that it may be some time before we are able to save enough to get into our first property. But I want to get her on board with investing before the time comes where we are searching for a house.Anyone have any advice on ways to go about talking to her? ANYTHING helps.Thank you for taking time to look over my post,D'Andre

Elisha Cram

Investor · Old Town, ME · Member since 2017 · 19 posts · 16 votes

7y

@D'Andre Byers

The first house I purchased as a single 23-year-old (I am now 42) was a duplex, and every house I’ve lived in (and owned) since then has had some sort of rental income. Our current home has an apartment over the garage.

Obviously, my husband knew this was a package deal, and it was always my thing, so he didn’t have an issue with the one I already owned.

Then I wanted to buy more places, and he didn’t think we could afford it. He doesn’t get involved really at all in the finances, so I am not sure he felt strongly about this, and I suspect it was more of a vague “you don’t let me spend all the money I want, so we can’t afford extra stuff” kind of mindset.

BUT THEN his Gram went into assisted living, and his uncle needed to sell the house to pay her bills. My husband practically grew up at his Gram’s, and he REALLY wanted that house to stay in the family. He never mentioned this to me, because he didn’t think we could afford it. One day I brought up again that we should buy a camp, use it a few weeks in the summer and rent it the rest of the time to make it pay for itself. He replied that if he did something like that, he’d want his Gram’s house and then told me it was about to be sold outside the family.

I suggested we buy it, renovate it and list it as a short-term rental. We went over the numbers and knew if it didn’t get many guests, we could still pay the bills but would need to adjust our lifestyle. With a 25% occupancy rate, the property would break even with no impact on our personal finances. He agreed, and we did just that. We now, 2 years later, enjoy a greater than 50% occupancy rate over the course of a year.

By the way, he is now on board with expanding our investing, provided that he doesn’t have to do renovations himself. I enjoy this type of work, and I can hire out jobs I don’t want to do or that exceed my skill set, so this is a plan that works for us.

He definitely was not wanting to invest in anything additional 3 years ago. Now he sees it as a path to a more comfortable retirement and possibly even early retirement. Obviously, our situation is unique and may not be applicable to you. You are very smart to want to invest in RE, and starting at a young age will serve you well, IMO.

I would make her aware of a few things.

-She can be as involved or uninvolved as she cares to be personally.

-This has the potential to make your life much more comfortable in the long run.

-There is a lot of satisfaction to be gained through “making things better.”

-The “sacrifice” of a house hack or duplex living for a few years has the potential to result in MUCH more appealing options down the road.

As a side note, I strongly recommend rehabbing a house together before you get married, if you can talk her into it. If you can make it through that, you can make it through anything. My husband and I renovated that house, and it was super stressful, but I don’t think we fought once (about the house anyway). We approached problems as a team and actually enjoyed doing it together. Other people, I can tell you, we’d have been at each other’s throats if I had to do that project with previous partners. It is a good test of how you approach problems and work together (or not) and you’ll learn a lot about your relationship.

Good luck!

4 Reply

Anthony GaydenPro Member

Rental Property Investor · Omaha, NE · Member since 2014 · 2k+ posts · 3k+ votes

7y

Originally posted by @D'Andre Byers:

@Anthony Gayden

You are right! I can completely understand the concept that it’s still just an idea in my head. That would kind of turn me away as well if the roles were reversed. Actions always speak louder than words in these situations.

If the roles were reversed in your situation, what would it take for you to hop on board with REI? Curious to see if maybe there is something that I'm not thinking about.

We are both math people so if I can sort of coax her into looking into it with me based on that it could be a small win. But after that I’m sort of drawing blanks. I have gotten some other ideas from this thread but if there is anything else you haven’t seen yet, I’d be curious to know what they are!

Thank you for responding to the post!

D’Andre

If I was in your position and I wanted to prove that I am serious about real estate investing, there is only one thing I could do to prove it. I would do a deal.

Podcast Guest on Show #21

2 Reply

Steve Vaughan

Rental Property Investor · East Wenatchee, WA · Member since 2014 · 10k+ posts · 16k+ votes

7y

A $120k primary is far from outlandish when you both have good w-2s.

But you will never earn enough for a princess. A princess won't ever see how investing for your futures in any way should be a priority.

Princesses get there hair and nails done regularly and drive nice cars with payments. Are you engaged to a princess?

If so, none of our advice will help you. If not, you have time. Focus on the why amd dream together. Then the how (RE) can be brought up, but not before the why vision is created and shared. Guys tend to focus on the what and how, ladies the why and feelings.

4 Reply

Jim K.

Handyman · Pittsburgh, PA · Member since 2018 · 5k+ posts · 13k+ votes

7y

@Elisha Cram

Posts like your remind me how quick I am to automatically assume that it's usually the men who want to go into real estate and the men who hold back, despite the reality of even my own situation. My wife laid down the law on our first date: there were two completely non-negotiable requirements for me, I had to belong to the same church and I had to be willing for us to start our own small business rather than work for someone else for the rest of my life. As soon as she saw my tile work, she figured out how I could best be utilized and it's been real estate ever since. Thanks for sharing your story.

0 Reply

Elisha Cram

Investor · Old Town, ME · Member since 2017 · 19 posts · 16 votes

7y

@Jim K.

Ha, Jim! Nothing better than a good tile guy. That’s good stuff right there. Believe it or not, most of the people I know in real life who invest in real estate are also women, and their husbands mostly just want to be left out of it (though they do appreciate the additional income). We talk shop together and don’t mind if the guys don’t want in. Kind of like knit night....which we also do.

I really wish I had figured out earlier in life how much I love doing this. I could have been retired by now!

3 Reply

Tanner Kurilec

Rental Property Investor · Columbus, OH · Member since 2018 · 5 posts · 9 votes

7y

@D'Andre Byers

Just to add some of my thoughts. My wife started out the same way and for the longest time I kept forcing her to look at real estate the way I did (very analytical) which did not appeal to her. You need to find out what drives your fiance, and appeal to that. For my wife it was the thought that if we can replace her income with rental income, then she can stay home with the kids (when we decide to start having them) instead of having to go to work. Now she understands that it isn't just more monthly income we are working towards, it is giving her a chance to be there for her future kids. So it is a win win. Try to view the situation from her side and drive the discussion to how real estate can help achieve that.

Good luck!

1 Reply

Len H.

Pittsburgh, PA · Member since 2015 · 5 posts · 5 votes

7y

@D'Andre Byers

I was in the same situation as you.... I wanted to invest in real estate but my other half wasn't on board. I would show her potential flips / rentals and she would show me a bigger potential primary residence then we currently have. She didn't have the same passion I did. I pushed and pushed until one day she told me, "real estate is your thing...if you want to do it, go for it, I don't have time".

Long story short, with not a lot of money, I found a $3k property on the Northside in a up and coming neighborhood in Pittsburgh (not far from you in Grove City lol). The day before I was going to close on the house, all of a sudden she's handing me an envelope full of cash and wanted on board. Guess she had a fear of missing out lol.

After 1.5 year of starting and stopping with rehab, we finally got the place fixed and rented, pulling in $800 a mth. After having a tenant in the place for about 2 years, she started to plant the seed on selling. By this point, I shifted my focus to Crypto-currency. I wanted to get rich QUICK. Luckily for me, a guy I work with is a real estate investor. After a 2hr conversation, he convince me to continue with re investing. So now I had to convince her on how we need to continue buy properties using the BRRRR strategy. She could grasp the strategy but she couldn't get pass the carrying debt aspect of it. Of course, there's good debt and bad debt. So I though about it, then I done what any great husband would do... I went to my local Barnes & Noble and got her very own copy of Rich Dad poor Dad!! Needless to say, now she's sending me listing on everything from potential fix and flips, houses that would make greal rentals, wholesaling tactics and everything in between. The light bulb has gone off in her head. We just pulled $40k out on a HELOC and we are back on track.

So my suggestion to you, get her a copy of Rich Dad poor Dad. This book has changed the mindset of countless individuals!

Good luck to you! Hope everything works out!

....By the way she's from Clintonville Pa, not to far from your neck of the woods.

*Disclaimer* This is my first ever BP post😁

3 Reply

Dustin P.

Realtor · Tempe, AZ · Member since 2017 · 541 posts · 442 votes

7y

Hopefully this post doesn't give any offense, but I think ultimately you have to decide what you want to do. I think everyone in this thread has laid out great arguments and ways to go about speaking to your future wife. However, at the end of the day, if she's still not on board, you have to decide what YOU want.

Obviously you know the benefits of real estate and and what that could bring you, early retirement, financial freedom, security for your family, etc. Are you going to give that up just because someone else doesn't agree?

Personally I would never let someone else dictate what I can and can't do. Compromise yes, that's one thing. Maybe buying a fixer upper for your first home that you can add value to eventually rent out, or buying a duplex and renting out the other side. But I wouldn't allow someone to tell me no.

Typically the people that want all the nice things now (Nice fancy ring, nice "cute" expensive house, nails done 24/7, nice jewelry, Starbucks 5x a week, etc) are not going to wind up very successful long term. I don't agree with the phrase "Happy wife, happy life" personally

7 Reply

Dante Pirouz

Investor · Almont, MI · Member since 2015 · 361 posts · 302 votes

7y

I've been married to a "real estate hesitant" husband for 20 years and he has never fully come on board with my investing.I'm sure he's just waiting for me to fail so he can laugh at me and tell me I told you so but so far (and $2M in net worth later ) that has happened yet. Fingers crossed!! To keep going, I just have to use my wits, use any money that isn't needed for the family expenses and keep my investing plans to myself. If I could give you any advice (unfortunately I am too late since you spent your investing money on the ring-why did you do that???) I would say make it a long engagement and pursue your investing before the wedding date...proof of concept is key and you will have a much harder time getting there once you have tied the knot unless you enjoy being a hard *** to your spouse (and yes that would mean that I do enjoy being a hard *** ;))

9 Reply

Dustin P.

Realtor · Tempe, AZ · Member since 2017 · 541 posts · 442 votes

7y

@Dante Pirouz Sometimes those conversations have to turn from "Hey I think we should buy this house" to "Hey just FYI we are buying this house" haha

4 Reply

Dante Pirouz

Investor · Almont, MI · Member since 2015 · 361 posts · 302 votes

7y

@Dustin P. LOL...or my favorite "Hey honey guess what we just bought! When do you have time to keep an eye on the reno crew???" My husband's personal "favorite"!!

1 Reply

Meghan McCallum

Specialist · CHICAGO · Member since 2015 · 680 posts · 650 votes

7y

@D'Andre Byers here is the hard truth. Maybe she’s just NOT your girl. Half of us choose wrong. It’s basically a roll of the dice whether your marriage will work or not. So, 1) get a pre-nup. There is nothing more romantic than wanting to take care of your partner and self when you are both in love. 2) If it’s than important to you and you want to hustle...maybe you need someone else.

I always said I wanted an engagement ring with an address and Cashflow.

I married a slug. I’m a born again entrepreneur!

5 Reply

Brandon Ramsay

Halifax NS · Member since 2019 · 48 posts · 24 votes

7y

@D'Andre Byers Try to find out why she feels that way. There must be a reason why she is so agaisnt it. If you can figure that out, it might be easier to assure her.

I would suggest house hacking. I wish I did that when I was your age. Buy a multifamily. 2-4 unit and you could be getting paid to live there or at least get the mortgage and expenses covered.

If you can do some work yourself, you could find a fixer upper that you could get a better deal on.

0 Reply

Farris Gosea

Rental Property Investor · Member since 2018 · 46 posts · 11 votes

7y

If she likes money and financial freedom she will listen. I am 25 wife is 22, we own 12 units and a 100k primary residence, nothing special, share a car, 20 dollar wedding and basic rings. We value our future freedom. We both work hard now and invest everything we make. Get her on board man, but get your income up also. Good luck and feel free to message me with questions. Its probably better if you just have a plan and do it. My wife may not have been on board if I didn't know what I was doing.

2 Reply

Brent Crosby

Rental Property Investor · Farmington, UT · Member since 2018 · 171 posts · 148 votes

7y

@D'Andre Byers HGTV is the answer bro. It’s very unrealistic TV but it sparks a girl’s creativity. Tell her you’d let her pick out how it will be designed. That and having her meet an affluent investor who talks about amazing vacations and shopping sprees also helps!

At this point your ‘under contract’ on the whole marriage thing. You can always back out and lose your ‘earnest money.’ If she can’t get on board quick send in that ‘notice of cancellation!’

1 Reply

Judy Parker

Rental Property Investor · Closter, NJ · Member since 2015 · 884 posts · 722 votes

7y

D'Andre, you are right, she is wrong. Sell the ring, get your money back and invest in real estate like you were originally going to do. And get a pre-nup if you still insist on getting married.

4 Reply

Mayer M.

Investor · Cherry Hill, NJ · Member since 2016 · 860 posts · 324 votes

7y

@D'Andre Byers

It’s easier to ask forgiveness than permission. Take action and start investing! After you make a solid investment show her, she should be pleased. If not, she’s too focused on the present instead of the future.

If I started investing at your age I’d likely have the option to retire right now (I’m 34), instead I’ll have to wait until 45-50.

Good Luck

0 Reply

Mayer M.

Investor · Cherry Hill, NJ · Member since 2016 · 860 posts · 324 votes

7y

@Zachery Buffin

LOL!!!

That’s exactly what I tell my wife! Although if she hears the word retirement from me she flips out these days.

Sacrifice the present for the future. I’m pretty much guaranteed to retire comfortably when my youngest is 18, so when I’m 48 and with zero debt

0 Reply

Brent Paul

Rental Property Investor · Shakopee, MN · Member since 2015 · 985 posts · 374 votes

7y

I was met with some criticism from almost my entire family for even the thought of having a rental property. My girlfriend was also not on board at all. We sat down and listed our goals of where we want to be in 5, 10, 15 years etc. Most of that revolved around spending more time with family and vacations. We talked about a few scenarios such as what if one of us loses our job and can't find another one. With real estate this would allow us the flexibility to take our time at finding another one and not stress about the day to day bills. If I died in a boat accident my income would be supplemented by all the rental properties we owned.

Then I made just a simple spreadsheet in excel with cash flow amounts. 250, 300, 400 etc. For each of those I made 2 scenarios. One with a house paid in full generating full cash flow and the rest of the houses just generating 250-400 cash flow. Then the 2nd one with no houses paid in full and all generating 250-400 cash flow per month. What this allowed us to see was the bigger picture and help give me a driving force to reach our goals. If I only get 250 per month in cash flow I know that I would need 16 houses generating 250 per month to reach my goals. However if I get 400 per month in cash flow I only need 10. If one of the houses is paid off I can get there faster and only need 10 houses. She is more of a numbers person so this worked perfectly. Once she saw those numbers in front of her eyes things started to click. Now she is the one pushing me to rent out my house to buy another house!

HGTV and DIY have a ton of shows like this. I can't remember the name of the one with Scott where they buy houses and make renovations to rent it out.

0 Reply

Carmen Costescu

Rental Property Investor · CA (southern california) · Member since 2019 · 8 posts · 8 votes

7y

@D'Andre Byers

I know this is probably not what you want to hear but I would question your decision to get married if your fundamental financial values differ that greatly. I know things are probably exciting and new now but keep in mind that you’ll need more than attraction and hobbies in common to sustain the marriage long term. Finances/money is the number one cause for divorce. Wishing you the best

3 Reply

John Stetson

Contractor · Revere MA · Member since 2019 · 15 posts · 11 votes

7y

@Michael H. So true marriage when you are a young man just starting your career is selling your stock long before it peaks. A woman’s stock peaks in her early 20s men peak in their early 40s

0 Reply

Blair Orr

Member since 2019 · 1 post · 0 votes

7y

@D'Andre Byers rent somebody else’s nice house at an affordable price, while you flip your own houses

0 Reply

Sean Ridlon

Contractor · Melrose, FL · Member since 2016 · 131 posts · 64 votes

7y

Hey you're just starting out. I didn't read everything real close, but do you have money set aside for this? As in YOUR money not OUR money? There's deals that you can get into in OH, PA, WV all near by you with $10-20k. Very little costs. If she sees that you are doing it on your own and it's safe and profitable she may change her mind. But right now you probably sound crazy as hell to her. Just show her what you have in mind by doing it on your own, no risk to her or your future family, and she may come around.

0 Reply

Charles Kao

Specialist · Grand Rapids, MI · Member since 2016 · 1k+ posts · 611 votes

7y

@D'Andre Byers

This is the toughest question to answer so I will try to be candid as possible and just speak to my situation as I don't know all details of yours. For me my #1 lifestyle goal in life was to be my own boss and create my own work schedule. During our wedding vows my wife and I

pledged to do that for each other and long before we were married we both knew the path to that was for me to hustle at my six figure W2 job as long as I could while she stayed home and worked on a career part time as a realtor with our 3 kids. She was getting laid off as a school teacher during the crash so it just didn't make sense to have the roles reversed. If you find your goals in life and how to get there are very far off then you both need to rethink whether your love of each other is greater than that. I know many cases where a spouse came around eventually but in most cases they were not in the way of the process to begin with but rather just not a part of it. Hope the best for you both.

2 Reply

Dana Chann

Member since 2019 · 3 posts · 1 vote

7y

@D'Andre Byers what about getting a duplex because then you have your own unit as a starter home and the other unit can be rented out and help to pay for your mortgage? I wished I had started thinking about investing like you when I was 21. Also, maybe you both reading Rich Dad Poor Dad together could help to change her mindset about understanding money and investing.

1 Reply

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