Soon-to-be wife not on board

Rock Hill, SC · Member since 2015 · 104 posts · 209 votes

Hopefully your soon-to-be wife will be your soon-to-be ex fiancé.

The number one reason for divorce is money (not cheating). So it is critical you are on the same page with her before you get married.

7 Reply

Habbak Burs

Rental Property Investor · Riverside, CA · Member since 2019 · 42 posts · 5 votes

7y

@D'Andre Byers

Don't stress about it, it could be that she doesn't understand REI and what we don't know scares us.... work on educating her.

For now buy something you can live in that may appreciate in value naturally.... I would suggest (if available in your area) buy a new home from a home builder ... sometimes they have “inventory homes” those are homes they built and want to sell fast for people that need move in quick... usually home builders will give you 10-20K discount because you can’t customize it.... do this for 2 years move out and buy another and so on in 10 Years you will have 5 Rentals.

0 Reply

Matt Millard

Lewisville, TX · Member since 2015 · 344 posts · 264 votes

7y

I would do all of the above & then some until you can get her on board. Show her spreadsheets of potential net worth after a long term house hack. And it sounds like your area still works for average investors not just the most experienced like here in Dallas-Fort Worth. A duplex in poor area of metro 1.5 hours from the actual city is almost $300k with 3% property tax. You can rent a Class A apartment with tons of amenities & upgrades 10 minutes away for $900 versus the $1100 plus surprises for your half of that duplex. The cap rates are depressing on just about everything. Take advantage of living in an area where numbers make sense. I miss when I did so in college & am saving to move despite having so much family in area that is now indistinguishable from Southern Cali minus weather.

1 Reply

Matt Millard

Lewisville, TX · Member since 2015 · 344 posts · 264 votes

7y

I can only dream of a starter home under $400k til I move out of this place, hopefully soon!

Milk that $100k market!

0 Reply

D'Andre Byers

OP

Grove City, PA · Member since 2019 · 21 posts · 26 votes

7y

@Theresa Harris

I’m very on board with staying home with the kids. I love the idea of either of us staying home. As long as one of us would be able to be home with them that would make me immensely happy. I do understand that this isn’t always possible and that’s okay but I would prefer one of us being there for them.

She is a VERY independent woman and I love that about her. I don’t think she would ever be alright with not contributing to the household in a financial way.

That being said, as of now I make a significant amount more than her. But, without a doubt, She will one day pass me up at her job financially because of the raises she will get. And I’m alright with that! If this is what happens and we’re financially able to have one of us stay home then so be it.

Thank you for posting!

D’Andre

0 Reply

D'Andre Byers

OP

Grove City, PA · Member since 2019 · 21 posts · 26 votes

7y

@Brian Ellis

Thanks for replying Brian!

I’m not sure that I want to paint this choice to invest as an ultimatum for her. We’ve been through a lot and know each other very well. That being said if I were to put it that way for her, she would surely reject the idea of any type of investing not matter how lucrative.

I'm sure this isn't what you meant the focus of the post to be, I just wanted to throw that out there! I fully think that once she is able to see what REI can do then she will hop on board. I just want her to be my teammate in this so we can attack a goal/plan together.

Thank you for replying!

D’Andre

1 Reply

Nik Moushon

Architect · Wenatchee, WA · Member since 2018 · 843 posts · 907 votes

7y

Originally posted by @D'Andre Byers:

Anyone have any advice on ways to go about talking to her? ANYTHING helps.

Thank you for taking time to look over my post,

D'Andre

My wife and I went through something similar, expect we had already been married for 5 years, had one kid and our second on the way when we started into REI. Without writing a short story here on how I finally convinced my wife to go head first into REI it really boiled down to two things:

1. The first being that I had to showed her the detailed numbers on several properties that would actually be legitimate rentals (no hypothetical scenarios here). That meant every expense possible as well as the worst case scenarios and what are exit strategies would be if something were to go south. i.e. for the house we just bought I showed her 3 completely different sets of numbers for different ways we could approach this rental and 4 different options as exit strategies.
2. The second was letting HER convince HERSELF that this would be the best way for HER to get get to the point of being able to quit her job and be a stay at home mom while our kids where still young. There is only a very small window for this and if she missed it she would never get a second chance at it. Without her actually realizing it her financial freedom goal was to be able to get enough passive income to cover her current salary and thus to be able to stay home with the kids. I was able to show her that by the time we save enough money for her to quit our boys would already be in school full time and then there would really be no point in quitting. If we did some REI then we could drastically cut that time down to where she could get to where she wanted to be. Now I would still have to work and it would set us back in how soon both of us could 'retire' but thats a sacrifice I would be willing to make for her and being able to show her how much farther ahead we would be than if we did nothing.

Every person will be different (obviously) as to what will trigger this type of critical thinking and self persuasion. You don't want to be manipulative in any way, intentional or not, so you have to make sure you talk completely openly and honestly with her. Listen to her cons and her critical thinking and DONT get defensive about REI. I made that mistake on several of our conversations and it ended them very quickly and never put our conversations in the right direction. To be able to even get to this point though you both need to sit down and discuss your vision of your future and DONT BRING UP ANYTHING REI at this point. You need to figure out what you two want as a couple first. Have a picture, a goal, of what you both want. As individuals and a married couple. i.e. How do you raise your kids? Does she even want kids? Does she plan on holding a job? Going to college? Money & finances, etc, etc. If you can't get past these tough talks then there no point in bringing up REI.

2 Reply

Tyler Hardy

Rental Property Investor · Williamson, GA · Member since 2018 · 78 posts · 35 votes

7y

@D'Andre Byers I'm in the exact same boat! The only difference is I've been married 10 years. My wife is very cautious about real estate investing and doesn't even want to discuss it most days. Her parents were both real estate agents before the crash and lost basically everything, which is made her apprehensive. I've been struggling throughout the years to explain to her that the younger we start, the younger we retire. My issue now is that most of my net worth is in the equity of my house. I tried to discuss with her about a home equity line but I get the same "I don't want to talk about it."

Being raised very fiscally minded and also having a dad that owned a rental property. I know the value in it. The problem is that I can't force my wife just see what I see.

0 Reply

Mike H.

Rental Property Investor · Atlanta, GA · Member since 2017 · 127 posts · 75 votes

7y

Don’t get too far ahead. You need a house for yourself so start with that right ? Save up to buy that house. Then start saving for the next investment whether it be a house or whatever. You actually might find that after buying you’re homestead you either really like dealing with property or you don’t.

0 Reply

Vincenz DeCastro

Austin, TX · Member since 2019 · 18 posts · 15 votes

7y

@Bryan S. I agree. I've had friends in a similar situation and after they spoke with a couple of their affluent family members and close friends who understand the value of investments. Afterwards, experience and advice from someone they trust or in a position they want to be in definitely helps. Just remember, the conversation is never "you vs me" but "you and i vs the situation and options at hand". Best wishes and congrats!

2 Reply

Richard Jr Caicedo

Real Estate Agent · Clifton, NJ · Member since 2017 · 28 posts · 11 votes

7y

@D'Andre Byers I am 23 and I pretty much had my wife (I got married at 20) on board since I was 22. We were in a similar situation where she wanted it ALL. So I spoke to her about our financial goals, where we plan on being when we are 35. I told her I wanted us to be financially free and I sat down and explained to her using various successful cases. I have even gone to the extreme to take her with me to several meetups. I told her once everything starts to kick off and we are in a comfortable situation we will build our own “dream home” from the ground up. We are soon going to be closing on our first duplex where we will be house hacking and it needs a lot of TLC. She is super excited to get in and start getting her hands dirty with renovating both units. We’re both winning and thats all that matter! Good luck!

0 Reply

Sid Jones

Richmond, TX · Member since 2018 · 29 posts · 31 votes

7y

Speaking from experience:

People often have deep-seated views of money that are not rational (in the sense that you can explain the facts of an opportunity and reason out the best course of action). Money is deeply emotional and tied to perceptions of family security.

Your fiance has already clearly signaled to you that she needs more security in the immediate future than you do - you're both just starting from different places. That's pretty normal.

You will NOT be able to reason your way out of this because you're not addressing a logic and common sense issue in her. She has an emotional issue around a need for *perceived* security. That emotional issue is the one that you need to bring to the surface so that both of you can share it, face it, and talk about it.

The only way forward is through gentle conversation and active listening on your part to talk in depth with her about her past money/security experiences and perceptions. There may be some real pain there that she may be completely unaware of. You'll know when you get there because she will get to a place where she can think her way out of her perception - and some of the advice in this thread has been great- the only thing I'd add is to focus more on her past than her future, because that's where the hang-up is. Also - you doing the same with yourself (with her) will show her your starting point as well - and you may learn something about yourself.

My wife was saying yes yes yes for months before our second investment, but she was using logic and my numbers to override some deeper issues. As we got closer to making a deal, suddenly I started getting no no no! It was *really* frustrating, but pausing to address the issue helped us get past it and made our marriage stronger.

Pro-tip: make a big deal about the fact that you're willing to lay down and stop your investing effort until you're both aligned on the way forward. Demonstrating a sacrifice and a willingness to give up what you think is important will start the conversation on a really positive note as you demonstrate your willingness to put her needs first. It is often the case that we have to give up our goals to achieve them...

Pro-tip number two: Everyone has money/security/emotional issues to one extent or another about something. This is not yet a deal breaker in your relationship - and if it is, just realize the next person you meet will be just as weird on the inside. Good luck!

4 Reply

Ryan Enk

Covington, LA · Member since 2014 · 293 posts · 102 votes

7y

Hey D'Andre, that is a really great post.

I recently did a bigger pockets blog titled: The Wife and the Plan where I attempt to get my wife on board with my plan to buy 1000 apartment doors in a year. You may find it helpful.

Journey to 1000 Doors: The Wife and the Plan

Two thoughts on your post:

1) If your wife isn't onboard, it is VERY difficult to get the job done. It's like Rocky and Adrian. When Adrian doesn't support Rocky, he can't fight.

2) You're absolutely right that you should start now, even if you're young. When is the best time to plant an orange tree? 20 years ago.... When's the second best time to plant an orange tree? Right now!

4 Reply

Account Closed

Rental Property Investor · Member since 2018 · 78 posts · 53 votes

7y

@D'Andre Byers

You got a lot of good advice already, but I would add just to give it time. You guys are still super young, and you will earn credibility as you succeed and she will be on board.

I've learned not to push so hard to convince people- especially my own spouse. Less saying and more doing will win them over.

1 Reply

JD MartinBusiness Member

Moderator

Rock Star Extraordinaire · Northeast, TN · Member since 2015 · 10k+ posts · 17k+ votes

7y

I don't know if anyone else said this yet so I will be the cold one to say it:

If you are not on the same page financially DO NOT get married. You will either be miserable, divorced, or both. In the meantime you're almost certain to be broke.

#1, marriage is a financial contract and partnership. Take the "love" part out of it for a second and imagine you were signing a contract with a partner to build a business or an apartment building. Would you sign that contract if you wanted to build one building at a time and get some cash flow going while your partner wanted to borrow $100 million and build them all at once, and also put high end granite in what is supposed to be section 8 housing? Or would you sign that contract if you wanted to build a heating and air business and your partner wanted to take all the proceeds and make a Beanie Baby museum? Probably not. Think of marriage the same way. If you want to just be together in a sanctioned way there are plenty of religious ceremonies that can "marry" you without the weight of financial ruin.

I can think of a lot of compromises - some already mentioned. Buying a fixer upper, living in it for a year or two and then keeping it and doing it again. Or buying a nice duplex and living in one side and renting out the other. It doesn't have to be one or the other. If she is unwilling to compromise, I am going to suggest that she will be an unsuitable life partner unless you enjoy cowtowing to a "my way or the highway" tyrant.

In my opinion, you both appear to be starting off on the complete wrong foot unless your dream is to spend the rest of your life strapped to a job and on the edge of financial ruin. You spent your house down payment money for a ring. You are planning a (likely) expensive wedding. Your spouse-to-be expects a pristine $200k house out of the gate at 21. All of this is a recipe for fights, resentment, bitterness, and divorce.

Good luck - it is a tough spot if you love someone but just have different goals for life. One of you will have to decide if they are willing to sacrifice their goals and happiness for the other if she's unwilling to compromise.

Podcast Guest on Show #243

Skyline Properties

View Page

14 Reply

Dennis M.

Rental Property Investor · Erie, PA · Member since 2018 · 6k+ posts · 9k+ votes

7y

All I can do is Offer you 2 tips

Relationship tip :

if your mate is not on the same path as you then you guys will just butt heads and ultimately it won’t work

Investing tip :

If you don’t figure out a way to make money while you sleep your going to work for money all your life until the day you die .

7 Reply

Bob Hance

Highland, MI · Member since 2019 · 7 posts · 8 votes

7y

@D'Andre Byers Congratulations on being 21 with your whole life ahead of you. Communication is the key to your situation and you need to hone your ability to make a good deal with your wife. Over the course of my 25 year marriage, My wife and I have made several deals. Fortunately for me all positive because both of us try to provide what the other person wants. Which means we are working towards a shared goal. It really takes open and honest communication about the things you want in life. Sometimes the conversation are really difficult but it will be better to have them now rather than later. You are in a dual income situation right now. Discuss with her how she feels about saving at least 50% of your net income. At the beginning of anyone's investment career, savings/sacrifice/delayed gratification/time commitment is a HUUUUUUGE part of it. There are many ways to start in REI. Just make sure your fiancee supports what you are doing. You also asked about side gigs. IMHO All that does is suck up more time. Trading time for money is a trap. Big time. I always preferred to trade time for an education. The money will follow. The time you have in the car listen to audio books on REI. Work out a plan to start small, bird dog deals for another investor, start to wholesale, get a Real estate license and cater to investors, go to the local REI club and see who needs help etc etc etc. Communicate with your fiancée and work out a shared goal. Good luck to you. I wish for you a successful future.

2 Reply

Dominik Makaneole

Investor · Kauai, HI · Member since 2017 · 65 posts · 43 votes

7y

Listen to bigger pockets podcasts while driving with her. She might start thinking like an investor

2 Reply

Kelsey Folger

Rental Property Investor · MI · Member since 2018 · 51 posts · 64 votes

7y

@D'Andre Byers my husband and I got married 8 years ago at 21, we just bought our first triplex at 29. We have 3 kids 5 and under.

I’d say we have definitely matured and figured life out together in the past 8 years and spent all of our 20’s making life choices together.

I’d say give her time to come around. Read some books together, listen to a podcast, etc. respect her opinions so that you can be business partners down the road.

What appeals to me the most about seeking financial freedom is being able to stay home with my kids, someday buying a cottage to enjoy, and being able to travel without sacrificing our life savings.

2 Reply

Dan Olin

Scottsdale, AZ · Member since 2018 · 51 posts · 10 votes

7y

@Zachery Buffin

Well put, Zachery. I believe she will come around if she starts taking in some of Brandon’s material and also others that started in their Twenties. I’m sure she is simply scared of the “what if”. If she gets to taste of some of the reward she will overcome this. A big thing also is develop Trust in making decisions.

0 Reply

Brian Ellis

Rental Property Investor · South shore, MA · Member since 2017 · 1k+ posts · 1k+ votes

7y

Originally posted by @D'Andre Byers:

@Brian Ellis

Thanks for replying Brian!

I’m not sure that I want to paint this choice to invest as an ultimatum for her. We’ve been through a lot and know each other very well. That being said if I were to put it that way for her, she would surely reject the idea of any type of investing not matter how lucrative.

I'm sure this isn't what you meant the focus of the post to be, I just wanted to throw that out there! I fully think that once she is able to see what REI can do then she will hop on board. I just want her to be my teammate in this so we can attack a goal/plan together.

Thank you for replying!

D’Andre

Of course, no offense taken. Hope you didn't either!

But, if the goal is to work as a team there needs to be compromise! And she will never be able to see the benefits until you actually start.

You have stated that no solution seems to make her happy, but there needs to be sacrifice in this business, especially early on.

2 Reply

Larry Turowski

Flipper/Rehabber · Rochester, NY · Member since 2014 · 1k+ posts · 1k+ votes

7y

Originally posted by @D'Andre Byers:

I've searched around the forums looking for someone in a similar situation but it seems like not many are where I'm at.

I'm 21 years old and just recently got engaged. I don't yet have any investment properties. I know the saying "happy wife, happy life" and I don't want to start our future together on a bad note. She is very adamant on buying a nice pristine house (small starter houses) that range anywhere from $100,000-$200,000. I'm listening to as many podcast episodes here on BP as I can to try and find new ways to invest and also give her what she wants but she won't budge. I've mentioned live-in flips, house hacking, and just plain old rentals. But it seems that every "solution" that I offer is combatted with another reason that we shouldn't.

She's saying that we are too young (she is 21 as well) and although I know that REI takes time, what better time than when we're both young to formulate a plan, and put it into action? Soon (but not too soon) kids will be thrown into the mix and I fear that they will just be an excuse to put off investing further and further until I get stuck in a situation where investing just won't be feasible.

I just spent my down payment for a house on a ring and now we are planning a wedding so I have time to work her into the idea of investing. This also gives me time to learn more and more about investing before starting out. I'm keeping my mind open to the fact that it may be some time before we are able to save enough to get into our first property. But I want to get her on board with investing before the time comes where we are searching for a house.

Anyone have any advice on ways to go about talking to her? ANYTHING helps.

Thank you for taking time to look over my post,

D'Andre

I'm quoting your post because my little "@" symbol thing isn't working.

You've got to have your wife on board. You either need to be happy being on her side, she needs to happy getting on your side, or you both need to be happy meeting in the middle somewhere. And I think this third option is the most promising. Explain to her this is really important to you, where can you compromise? Maybe it is just in getting more educated for now. Maybe it is envisioning having a side gig, as others have suggested, and being able to invest in a way that won't impact your "regular" finances. But ask HER to offer something. Ask her to let you know what you CAN do, not just what you can't do. If she really is adamantly against it in any way, you're going to have think hard about you're life together and your dreams.

This issue came up for me after marriage. My wife had no interest in investing. But we had some extra income and she was willing to let me start very slow, dipping my toe in the water, so to speak, with some money at risk, but nothing we couldn't afford to lose. I progressed very slowly as an investor according to my wife's comfort and she is now completely on board, though still needing to be consulted on anything bigger or out of the ordinary.

I hope that you can reach some compromise.

1 Reply

Steve B.

Engineer · Portland, OR · Member since 2014 · 1k+ posts · 1k+ votes

7y

@D'Andre Byers while I agree that it’s good to be on the same page financially as your spouse the situation you described is not antithetical to an investment mindset. The bigger issue is why would a mortgage on a 100k house adversely affect the investment potential for two working adults? You much bigger problem seems in be simply insufficient income. If a 100k mortgage is retarding your perceived financial progress then your really not ready to be an investor.

0 Reply

Geoffrey Barker

Los Angeles County · Member since 2019 · 7 posts · 0 votes

7y

@D'Andre Byers Currently I'm working on obtaining my RE license and plan on using that as a foothold towards my first investment, so take what I say with a grain of salt.

I think that using a downpayment worth of savings towards a ring might not have been the best move, but you can recover from that.

Also what have been her responses to your proposed solutions? Is there a specific theme behind her hesitation? Is she a bit high maintenance and doesnt like the idea of buying something that's in a condition to be undervalued?

Please know that these aren't meant to be judgmental, just information to let the forums help come up with strategies to approach her with.

0 Reply

Michael Masterson

Rental Property Investor · Lakewood, OH · Member since 2016 · 69 posts · 50 votes

7y

@D'Andre Byers a lot of people have given some solid advice already on this. I just personally went through a very similar situation with my new wife. Prior to us getting married I already had investment properties and told her the goal moving forward would be to keep acquiring.

I sat down, and spent a good amount of time discussing pros and really touching on the cons as well so there wasn't future fights in the event a project went south.

Reluctantly I was able to convince her we tie our funds up in a renovation/value add shortly after we were married, and it was STRESSFUL. Until we were complete.

Now that its over , we have refid to get all our money back AND renting it out at a much higher amount she is on board fully.

I'm far from an expert in the marriage department. But when my wife truly realized I was doing this to create financial success for us and not putting us in harms way she became much more comfortable.

She still questions my every move on investing, which I welcome. It keeps me grounded and honestly I've given up deals because of her perspective.

Prior to being married I did two BRRRR deals, and a flip in almost 7 years. We've been married for 8 months and have completed 3 profitable deals, with 2 more likely to finish by year end.

Best of luck!

2 Reply

Soon-to-be wife not on board

Soon-to-be wife not on board

Most Popular Reply

185 Replies