I had the thought last night to see what kind of experience might be out there with fellow BP'rs.....
I will try to be as breif as possible. My wife and I sacrificed a lot of energy, money, emotions, almost our marriage, ETC a little more than 3 years ago to get my son and his live in on the road to recovery from meth. We took my grandkids into our home as foster parents under the "supervision" of Arkansas's version of child protection (DHS). For a year and a half, we watched these two finally give into the fact that they had to clean up.
We recently discovered that the girl has done only what she needed to do to get the kids back under her roof and has returned to her drug ways. We beleave she is even selling it to support her ways.
I don't think my son is back on it. He is the only support my grandchildren get as far as meals or any parental duties. The mother is useless.
The mother and father did learn how to keep DHS from taking action again. There is always food in the fridge and the house is much more cleaner than it has ever been. My son is not the sharpest pencil in the box. He cannot take any confrontational actions. She is very abusive and she uses his truck that is in her name, to run the streets after he gets home from work. He can't keep gas in it. He has even had to bum rides to work when she hasn't returned by the mornings.
I don't think my son has what it takes to line her out. But, I can't think he is back on the hooch just by watching him with the kids. I hope I don't have a father's blind eye.
The last time we went through this, both of them were neglagent toward the grandkids. The plan of action was simple. If I take the same action, it could deprive him of the kids which I don't think he deserves; even though he can't do anything about the mother.
When women are in theis situation, there are shelters for them to get away from abusive men with their kids. How come there is no place for men to go like this? BTW My wife is not his mother. She helps; but, not like she would if it was her own kid.
Any advice (critisisim) is appreciated.
Don

Would your son be open to drug tests to prove he is clean? I believe you need to somehow get the children out of that environment even though it seems the mom probably loves the tax benefits of those kids. Drug addicts become very selfish and will burn any bridge and cut any cord to get to the next day. A very close family member of mine is in the middle of addiction and we are just finding out as of a few months ago.

Don,

I am very sorry to hear of these struggles, as drug and alcohol addiction has and will continue to ruin many lives. I am no expert when it comes to addiction or family counseling but I think some serious action needs to be taken here.

#1: Go to counseling! Addiction is one of the most destructive and complex problems facing our society. It is hard for anyone to understand, so go talk to someone who knows what they are talking about. This is a battle that you need to prepare for if you are going to be involved.

#2: Those kids do not need to be with the parents. Being raised by parents on drugs is one of the surest ways to the kids ending up on a bad path, and they do not deserve that. I would do all you can to ensure the kids are able to be in a safe environment where they get the physical, emotional and intellectual treatment they deserve.

#3: Find out if your son is on meth. You may make him mad and upset, but you need to know so you can come up with a course of action. You may think he is not on them, but drug addicts can be very good at covering up what they do…almost professionals. If he is, you need to get him all the help you can and ensure that you are doing nothing to support his addiction and enable him to continue down a path of destruction. The blind eye you talked about is strong, so do not trust yourself to make that decision.

I agree with Jim…drug addicts will go further and further to get their next fix, things you would never imagine they would do.

Don drug addicts even with the best intentions if they stay around the same people will fall back into old habits.

So even if your son is clean today it's only a matter of time before he gives in again.He has to change his whole environment and even move to another state if need be to get away from dealers and so called friends.

Your son will never be cured and it is a life long addiction.All he can do is live day to day and set himself up for success as much as possible to prevent a relapse or the frequency of relapse.

Being a parent has to be defined and I am sure currently the drugs take center stage.

Even though someone is in their 20's,30's40's physically that does not mean mentally they have the capacity or growth for that age. If a tragic event happened in their life at a specific time the growth could have stopped at that point.

A therapist allows you to flex your mental muscle and break the legacy of bad habits from the past.We all pick up good habits and bad habits from our parents.The goal is too get rid of the bad with better solutions and keep or refine the good things to make better.

Your son needs to change his environment.I wish you all the best and will pray for you.

The advice from people that have been there is to take care of yourself first. Learn to detach emotionally so you can live a satisfactory life and help where you can.

Consequences are important for addicts. As long as you rescue them they won't be able to save themselves, although interventions have proven effective in some cases.

I am very sympathetic. Sometimes these things feel like a lose lose proposition.

Taking care of the kids comes first. That is number 1.

I also would not spend a dime on treatment centers. The most effective cure comes from joining forces with other successful addicts through programs like AA. They are free. Good luck.

If you need help with this situation PM me and I will give you my number. I have experience in this area.

Your sone is an addict and if he stays there he will not be able to stay clean and recover. Recovery is the key for any individual with a substance abuse probelm. I would suggest he Attend NA, Narcotics Anonymous meetings where he can truely develop a support group to help him deal with this problem.

If you truely believe he is clean then it is a matter of helping out of the situation. I would get a PFA, restraining order and keep her away from him and kids and let her come to court. Get them out and a place to stay. I wish you the best of luck and if you need more help PM and you can call anytime day or night.

Youy would likely have the highest benefit from attending a local alanon group. Alanon groups are similar to AA groups except that they are not for alchoholic/addicts - they are for people like you, who suffer from addiiction while not being the user. Here you can share your experience with others in similar situations and learn from each other how to handle life with addicted family members. Since many of the members have been dealing with family addiction for years and even decades, this is a great place to find practical solutions. Just Google "alanon" and you'll find several meetings in your area.

There is no way he will stay sober if there is an active user in the house. He needs to leave. But that can't really be your decision to make, unfortunately.

It is sad to see kids go through this, but what you can do is limited. One of the main prayers used by recovering alchoholic/addicts goes like this: "God, grant me the serentiy to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference." I think this applies to you as well.

Originally posted by Joel Owens:
Even though someone is in their 20's,30's40's physically that does not mean mentally they have the capacity or growth for that age. If a tragic event happened in their life at a specific time the growth could have stopped at that point.

I failed to mention that he watched his mother die between the ages of 4 and 12.

Thanks so much for those that have replied. I am searching for ideas and have got some.
Don

Don that is a very tragic event I am sure he has not dealt with fully if he has turned to drugs.

You can't just stop doing something.You have to replace it with something else to fill the space.WHITE KNUCKLING and WILL POWER will eventually only lead to failure.

My mom worked for years and years at a violence center for women and dealt with people that had issues.You can guide them and try to show the way but at the end of the day it is their choice to want to live or die.

Just take in every moment your son is present and in the moment with you and try to cherish those memories.Right now your main goal is to protect the innocent children and take away any bad modeling behavior they are witnessing that can impact them for life.

When you kick a habit you have to do something else.

Example: Smoking - Bike Riding,Drinking- going to church,drugs-exercise etc.

Everyone has stress in their lives and that will never change.As we get older the stress does not go away it just transforms into something else.You might used to have worried about money,then it's your kids,then it's old age,mortality etc.

Until your son sees a counselor to deal with these issues and learn coping skills he is going to medicate himself to not feel anything.

The first few sessions of therapy is just small talk.The real work begins later on and either people commit and dig in to work on issues or say "Oh I am fine now and get scared and run away".

Many people go to their pastor but I feel they are not qualified as a drug abuse specialist or a licensed therapist to help them with situations like that.

Don you don't control your son but YOU DO control how you react to what he does and how it impacts your life and family.Maybe you feel guilty for him seeing his mom go through that and enabled him out of guilt to make yourself feel better in the moment.

All you can do everyday is work on yourself.If you do that you can have a positive impact on him that can do nothing but help.