Can Anyone Model A Good Follow Up Yellow Letter?

[Max Garcia Jr]

Hello,

I originally bought a list from listsource, and mailed out one yellow letter each to absentee owners that went like this:

"Dear John,

My name is Max, and I'm very interested in buying your property at 123 Main St. I can pay in cash and close fast. Please call me even you're not interested in selling.

Best regards,

Max

XXX-XXX-XXXX"

I sent out 1,700 of these to absentee owner, to which I received about 125 calls, and didn't close on one deal. Granted it was my first time on a "sales" call, so I may have messed up by not having a detailed script. My deal ended up coming from "driving for dollars."

Please Critique my original letter, and model a good follow up letter.

You're help is greatly appreciated!!!