It's apparent @Devon Woodson struck a nerve with you and I get it.  

It doesn't even have to be funny, just something to break the ice and set a friendly tone-start talking to them as if you've known them forever.

SCOTUS struck down the notion it had to be sexual in nature even though the form still references sexual materials.

Sorry to sound like a whiner but things haven’t gone too good lately and this morning was the icing.

All of the above are giving good advice but what struck me as being odd was your concern with a seller financed mortgage and having issues with a due on sale clause...but you can find that.You mentioned you did not want a lease.

At a Tampa REIA, the host mentioned several ideas for being creative and one in particular struck me, someone wearing a costume.

Let ICE do their job.

We require it and have collected a couple of times (tenant caused fire, tenant failed to remove snow and ice and third party had slip and fall).

You have to be ice cold to make it in this game sometimes.

As I read your question, I was struck by the thought that so much of the content about "wholesaling" out there is really tactical...and not enough big picture.