Help! Unsupportive fiancé

33 Replies

Hi all! I’ve been debating on whether to post this or not....

My fiancé has been unsupportive of my real estate journey. I start talking about real estate and he just tunes me out And doesn’t say anything. I told him I just purchased my first rental property and he didn’t even say congratulations or great job babe! 

He’s the type of person that hates his job and does nothing about it. I believe that if your not happy in life, do something about it, don’t blame the world or other people.

I love him and have been with him 7 years (still not married) but don’t know if it’s time to cut my losses and move on. We have no kids and he lives in my home that I own. I am 30 and really don’t want to start all over trying to find another partner. 

Do I stay or move on? I’m just beginning my journey in real estate and would like for my partner to be supportive but don’t want to start all over at the age of 30.

@Jay Hinrichs thanks for the mention. 

@Emily Smith what I share with you is for educational purposes only and is not considered professional counseling or therapy. 

From what you shared, it seams like your fiancé’s lack of support in real estate is only part of an overall problem with support. I can understand not wanting to start over because you have invested a lot of time and love into this relationship, however, if your trying to move in a direction he does not want to go in and you are hoping he will change, then you may be setting yourself up for frustration and disappointment. One thing that you may want to do to see if you truly are wanting to go in the same direction would be to create a shared vision board of how you would like your futures to look like. If he is not willing to do that or is really reluctant to do it, then considering moving on now may save you 2 or 3 years of waiting and hoping he will change.

@Emily Smith Hi Emily. I read your post and saw all that information that always seems to be between the lines when it comes to this sort of thing. I'm sorry for your dilemma. These are the toughest decisions we face in life. You already know what you must do. Best wishes and best of fortune to you.

Originally posted by @Shiloh Lundahl :

@Jay Hinrichs thanks for the mention. 

@Emily Smith what I share with you is for educational purposes only and is not considered professional counseling or therapy. 

From what you shared, it seams like your fiancé’s lack of support in real estate is only part of an overall problem with support. I can understand not wanting to start over because you have invested a lot of time and love into this relationship, however, if your trying to move in a direction he does not want to go in and you are hoping he will change, then you may be setting yourself up for frustration and disappointment. One thing that you may want to do to see if you truly are wanting to go in the same direction would be to create a shared vision board of how you would like your futures to look like. If he is not willing to do that or is really reluctant to do it, then considering moving on now may save you 2 or 3 years of waiting and hoping he will change.

Yup people don't change all that often .. from what I have seen. 

 

You do what you like with your money, and it is under your name, your problems. Do not expect him to pitch in.  You still can keep staying together sharing other interests. This is very common with couples.

@Emily Smith The two things while they may be related are two different issues.  If he doesn't want to be involved in your real estate ventures, that's his choice.  The other issue is whether you can see yourself spending the rest of your life with him and only you can answer that.  Sit down and have a talk with him about where he sees himself in 5 years and if it is similar to your personal goals.  

Do NOT stay with someone just because you don't want to be alone or find another partner.  You can do this on your own, along with many other things in life :)

@Emily Smith

I’d say move on. I’m in same position and never seem to find anyone who feels same about real estate as me. Hope you find the right match

@Emily Smith Seven years is a long time. You specifically mentioned marriage. Do you want to get married? Have you and he talked about it? 

Originally posted by @Shiloh Lundahl :

One thing that you may want to do to see if you truly are wanting to go in the same direction would be to create a shared vision board of how you would like your futures to look like. 

I have found that people often have the same shared vision/values on the board but some simply don't make decisions based on those visions and values.

Emily, when you start to understand how hard it is to change yourself, you begin to understand that it is near impossible to get someone else to change.  Model good behavior and meet everyone with empathy.  Tie you identity to daily growth and disconnect it from external validation; otherwise, you happiness will be fragile and not in your control.

Love is only part of the equation. Countless people are in love with someone who doesn't share their goals or values. Or someone who is a negative influence or financial drain. Seven years is a long time, but 30 years of age is young. You could meet a guy and be married in less than a year. It happens ALL the time. With the advent of dating apps, it is fairly easy to find someone who is compatible with you on multiple levels. 

It appears you are on a better financial track than he is. If you stay with him, it doesn't seem he will add to your long term success. I have heard the number one reason that marriages fail is money. That can be lack of money or different priorities around money. Even it it is the number two or number three reason, clearly financial compatibility is very important to long term relationship success.

If the relationship is not working, the only thing worse than breaking it off after 7 years would be waiting 8, 9 or 10. People get comfortable, so just make sure you are not staying for the wrong reasons.

'..He’s the type of person that hates his job and does nothing about it.

...We have no kids and he lives in my home that I own...'

With all due respect the 'love of your life' sounds like an unmotivated dud. So don't cling to a mistake because you spent a lot of time making it,

Remember...

"...The road is full of flat squirrels that couldn't make the decision to change direction...."

Good luck 

Originally posted by @Emily Smith:

Hi all! I’ve been debating on whether to post this or not....

My fiancé has been unsupportive of my real estate journey. I start talking about real estate and he just tunes me out And doesn’t say anything. I told him I just purchased my first rental property and he didn’t even say congratulations or great job babe! 

He’s the type of person that hates his job and does nothing about it. I believe that if your not happy in life, do something about it, don’t blame the world or other people.

I love him and have been with him 7 years (still not married) but don’t know if it’s time to cut my losses and move on. We have no kids and he lives in my home that I own. I am 30 and really don’t want to start all over trying to find another partner. 

Do I stay or move on? I’m just beginning my journey in real estate and would like for my partner to be supportive but don’t want to start all over at the age of 30.

Tough spot. But you've answered your own question; you already know you're going down a dead end road and are suffering from the psychology of past investment - i.e., you've already invested 7 years into this and you're 30. You have to ask yourself what the chances are that the future is going to be better than the present (or the past). Based on your limited post, it sounds unlikely. 

 

@Emily Smith

I think everyone has offered sound advice. I’ve seen similar situations with quite a few people I know, and now they feel more stuck than they were before.

However. I’m of the mind that if there’s a chance the situation could be “adjusted” for the better, put yourself in a position to at least say you tried.

He hates his job. Ok. A lot of people do. I suggest offering him a couple of books to read that may help his way of thinking that will align with yours.

#1 Book: The Richest Man in Babylon. a must read, and many here will agree with me, You can find an audiobook version for free on YouTube. And you can internet search a free pdf version.

#2 Book: Rich Dad Poor Dad. I found audiobook version of this one for free on YouTube also.

#3 Book: Cashflow Quadrant. It’s basically a continuation of Rich Dad Poor Dad.

A little education could go looooong way. So maybe a different approach might be useful.

I hope this helps, Good Luck!

Originally posted by @Pat L. :

'..He’s the type of person that hates his job and does nothing about it.

...We have no kids and he lives in my home that I own...'

With all due respect the 'love of your life' sounds like an unmotivated dud. So don't cling to a mistake because you spent a lot of time making it,

Remember...

"...The road is full of flat squirrels that couldn't make the decision to change direction...."

Good luck 

Love that quote I am stealing it !!! 

@Emily Smith First and foremost, I commend you for posting this as it is personal but sometimes it is ok to get a third ear involved. 

Real Estate, (and Real Estate Investing [REI]) is, for the most part, a life-long commitment (there is a clue in the 30-year mortgage). The good news is that your situation isn't atypical. 

Many spouses are in different timelines of change (introducing REI into your relationship is a change [think of it like a new thing that he perceives as taking time away from him]). This is real, it is a thing many people overlook the power of change. 

Stages of change:

  1. Precontemplation
  2. Contemplation
  3. Preparation
  4. Action
  5. Maintenance
  6. Termination

I sense that your partner is probably in the first phase of your REI journey, so thinking of "cutting your losses" may be premature. Perhaps, he will see some real-life 🤑🤑🤑 benefits and he will jump on board with REI soon or later!

You may want to ask yourself some questions

Has he been a great partner in other aspects of your lives?

Has he supportive of other things you've done in the past?

Is he risk-averse?

Has someone in his family done REI and "failed"

Now, my counsel is purely looking through the lens of him not supporting your REI venture, if there are other issues with the relationship ATOP the REI venture, then you might take drastic measures.

For now, try to understand the real source of his apathy because showing him the door might be an overkill. 

And never forget, we are all here to support you no matter what 🤗🤗🤗

Heh, I see this post has attracted a lot of good advice, some of which is very humorous!

I'm no expert, but the term "Fiance'" doesn't seem to be a correct description of the person living at your house.  Fiance's have engagement rings and have a date picked out.  You sound like you have neither.  You have what my parents' generation referred to as a "shacking up" and what my generation refers to as "best friends with benefits."  In other words, sharing everything BUT a wedding vow.

7 years is a long time to invest in a relationship that appears to be going nowhere.  There's another old saying I like: "poop, or get off the pot."  

One of the most important decisions a person can make is whom to partner with for a lifetime.  There's something solid and stable about it, when you make a promise intended to last for your whole life.  It transcends things like investing in real estate, changing jobs, or moving somewhere.  Having a partner who is there to back you up thru thick and thin, and likewise you are there for them ultimately makes more people happier than real estate empires.  Trust, love, commitment, companionship... things people in their older years seem to appreciate a lot more.  Just musings...  Anyway.

I say it's time to either make a lifetime commitment or move on.  Leaving things "as is" probably won't be good for either of you.

Hello Emily, 

thank you for Sharing, I think ( based on what you said) is that his mindset is not where it has to be. Probably you have been ready, learning and growing and you see him falling behind.

I Suggest give him a chance (put yourself like a certain amount of time) 3 or 6 months and on that time start sharing quick 3 min videos, on the things you think he should work on. attitude, life mindset, goals. etc. 

Maybe little by little that will sparkle some interest on the subject of wealth. 


I know is a tough decision, but then see yourself in the future, will both go and jump in together in the adventure called life? or will you have to drag him throughout the desert, jungle, easy lanes, rough lanes, rivers? etc.. Methaphoracly speaking." you get the  message" 

I'd show him this post and have a conversation with him.  Its obvious you are going in two different directions.  That being said, actions speak louder than words.  Might also want to talk to someone about codependency.  Good luck on the real estate moves.

Hey @Emily Smith,

I will start this with all the disclaimers that I am neither a therapist, nor a RE pro. So I offer only my observations and opinions, but I wanted to contribute a little bit to the thought process tempered with 21 years of my wife having to deal with me ;- )

For starters, you asking the question would seem that you really just need some validation for what you think you should do, and there is plenty of support for that position above, so I won't go very deep into, but the statement that actually stood out to me was the "He’s the type of person that hates his job and does nothing about it. I believe that if your not happy in life, do something about it, don’t blame the world or other people." In all honesty, this is the tough part to overcome. 

Don't get to hung up on the fact that he doesn't groove on RE the same as you do. My wife and I have been through some similar things (not RE related), and a lot of times it just comes down to how do you add to a subject you have limited to no interest in and even less to contribute. My wife is so freaking smart and well read on things that it is often tough for me to do any thing but say "that sounds interesting" or "huh". On the other side, I don't chat about a bunch of the minutia of looking for a deal or a way to put that we could put it together. It also doesn't help that her risk tolerance level is VERY low and mine, well I am the Yang to her risk adverse Yin. We have had to work through it over the years (and still do), but it works. 

I think the ideas about about seeing what your future looks like are not unreasonable and will really help you both understand if you guys see it the same way. You can work through a lot of these details and can find the support for your RE passion in plenty of places (especially when you start killing it ;- ), but the biggest thing will actually be his level of apathy. I would flee a victim mentality, because that will drag you DOWN. Plus it sounds like you have your ducks in a row and unlike some many other splits, besides an up tick in costs that you currently split, yours should work out quite favorably.

Finally, I would do the book exercise that @Daniel Donadio Jr and look at the relationship through the framework that @Ola Dantis laid out. While I stated above there is obviously a part of you that wants to just cut your losses, there is also a part of you that has said for the last 2,500 days, this guy has some tangible value. So many times in relationships we start out overlooking the glaring flaws because of their strengths, but as time goes on we switch the view and the flaws become all consuming and we start to over looking the strengths that brought you together. Catalog what those are strengths were and see if the are still relevant. So if the greatest strength that you had for him was that he had a mad Halo talent, then yeah call it a day. On the other hand, if you saw him treat his mother in a way that you wanted to be treated, then root out the problem, develop a strategy, and move forward together. I recently listened to Jenna Kutcher on Ed Mylett's podcast and it was great listening to how this go-getter woman, balances her relationship with her husband )and a WHOLE lot more about being a female entrepreneur). In their case they allot 5 minutes to talk about work, and then they jealously focus on THEM. Great episode that I can't recommend highly enough. 

So all this to say, I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. It will likely be one of defining moments of your life and I wish you peace and comfort as you go through it. In the end, you can work around a lot of things, but a victim of life is not recommended because they will drag you down to your level more often than you raise them up to yours (stupid gravity ;- )

Best wishes.
 

For starters, I am sorry you're dealing with this situation Emily.  In regards to your ambitions in Real Estate, as long as you've done your due diligence, and the numbers pan out, that is your ammo. There are always going to be those who are a bit more pessimistic when you bring up things that aren't really in their wheelhouse/something they haven't bothered to understand. In this instance, sometimes the ones you'd expect support from the most can become your biggest obstacle. Still, your education on the industry, but more specifically, your strategy and your numbers, that's what matters. If he's worried about the rental management process, tell him there are definitely some tools out there that can even help you to automate the rental management process. @Emily Smith

@Emily Smith

You described your fiancée and he reminded me of myself. I was that same person , comfortable with what I had and was okay with it. Not knowing that I am capable of being greater than my own expectations.

My fiancée saw that and basically in PG terms , asked me to leave , that it was over for good. Many lonesome nights living back at home with my parents at the old age of 38 in my old bedroom where I grew up , and many prayers did I realize that I failed my family and myself. Long story short , I never gave up on her and myself and by the grace of God. I was given a second chance.

Life’s still not perfect and it’s not always going to be , but , it took that time away for me to realize things on my own. Not encouraging you to do anything that you are hesitant to do , but , follow your heart and do what’s right for you. If it was meant to be it will be. If not at least it teaches him a hard life lesson and maybe just maybe he can better himself after it’s all said and done. Good luck and God Bless

@Emily Smith my fiance is not supportive of my RE adventures either

She isn't expending any effort to hold me back, but she could not care less about my successes or the work I put in. 

The only good advice I can give is to worry about YOU, not many people are going to go on your journey with you so I think this problem is more common than unique. Unfortunately. 

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