Social Anxiety
Hey BP, I wanted to talk to you today about something that has affected me pretty much my entire life (as far back as I can remember at least), and that's social anxiety. Just as the name states, I get very anxious during social events/interactions (especially when I don't know anyone), or whenever I'm the center of attention (all eyes on me). I've played sports my entire life and for the most part was able to block it out, or at least press through it, when it came to that (for instance; up to bat in baseball or at the free throw line in basketball). My current job sometimes requires me to give training classes, which I absolutely dread since the whole fear of public speaking goes hand-in-hand with social anxiety, but in those instances I really have no choice but to suck it up and be miserable for those days.
Unfortunately, this really holds me back in a lot of aspects in life. I do have a wife, kids and a good job (so it hasn't completely held me back), but this job isn't something that I want to continue to do for the rest of my life. I really feel that the social anxiety is my #1 reason holding me back from pursuing deals and stepping forward onto the path of real estate investing. Perhaps some of you can relate and share some stories that have helped you overcome this, or at least subside it some?
The fact that networking and making new connections is the most important thing when it comes to real estate investing, and it's one of the hardest things for me to do because of the anxiety, can someone like me overcome this? Or perhaps this "career" just isn't for me? There is an informal investor meet-up next week close to where I live that I would like to attend, and in doing so would be a huge step outside my comfort box/zone, so maybe getting out and making those new connections would help some?
I really would like to pursue real estate investing (in some capacity) and would most likely regret it if I never tried.
@Bryan Pottshave you considered partnering with someone who can do more of the social interaction tasks while you do things more "behind the scenes"?
That's a great idea @Dawn Anastasi, and it's probably what I'll need to do. I would like to partner with someone for my first couple deals anyway, as I feel it will ease me into everything a little better and take away some of that first-timer's fear as well. And that's why the networking/connections is so important as well, huh?
Hi Bryan Potts - I want to start by saying your not the only one. As mentioned previously partnering with someone could certainly be helpful. Another option is finding a local Toastmasters group. Usually members are people that feel the same way or did before they began participating in the group.
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Real Estate Agent ND (#9002) and MN (#40403046)
- Simply Homes Realty
I have the same problem as Bryan, I do have a hearing problem (hear hearing aid) speech impairment which I talk very well. 99% I lip read. I am current in school to earn my real estate license
REI isn't for everyone.
There are other asset classes.
It's a lot like riding a bike. With enough practice you will succeed. For me I was in Scouts and then went to a military college in another state. I got way out of my comfort zone.
Somebody suggested Toastmasters. Thst is a great idea. Find ways to get out of your comfort zone as often as possible.
Glad to see I'm not the only one.
I have been able to work on my social anxiety, but I've never been able to completely get rid of it despite drastic improvements.
One way that I pressed forward was to do as @Dawn Anastasi suggested and partnered up with a co-worker of mine who is type A personality.
He does all of the social interactions such as calling vendors to schedule dumpsters, scheduling porta potty's, meeting with contractors to get quotes, managing our rental units, showing the units, working with the city for zoning and permits.
He loves talking with people... I tend to ask more direct questions, get the answers I need to get the job done and move on.
I do all of the back end support items such as paying invoices, keeping the books, keeping our filing system up to date, researching deals, running the numbers, working with lenders, filling out paperwork for new lines of credit and vendor accounts, Project Management, Maintaining Project Budgets, schedules and timelines, Meeting with contractors for change order approvals, Business Direction, writing contracts and scope of work for signatures and Business Forecasting.
So you can see each personality has it's strengths and weaknesses and it takes both sides of the spectrum to get the job done. We both do the walkthroughs, scope of work revisions, initial budget, due diligence, making random site visits to our ongoing projects and communicating with contractors.
I would suggest finding someone with the opposite personality, but with the same goals and interests in the business and see if it would be possible to work together. It has worked well for me.
Jeff V
Originally posted by @Dawn Anastasi:
@Bryan Pottshave you considered partnering with someone who can do more of the social interaction tasks while you do things more "behind the scenes"?
eg: Aaron was the spokesman for Moses - - so it works :)
@Tyler Hunter- Thanks for the advice on checking out a local Toastmasters group, I never thought about that. It definitely seems something worthwhile for me to look into to help out. It seems it will also help with my current job and having to give training classes in front of people.
@Hugh Ayles - I appreciate the insight and analogy. It's always tough to go outside of your comfort zone, but you're right about trying to find ways to do it.
@Jeff V.- Yeah, it seems that the best way for me to move forward is to partner up with someone that has the same goals/interest but can do the stuff/interactions that I don't feel comfortable doing.
Thank you everyone for your input and advice, it's much appreciated and helpful!
@Bryan PottsI would recommend signing up for a local Dale Carnegie program. This program lasts several weeks at night and you learn all about how to interact with people. It will push you outside your comfort zone. Some companies put all their employees through the program. I am not at all affiliated with the program, but I took the program years ago.
Your social anxiety can be compared to a weak muscle. If you lift weights with repetition, the muscle gets stronger. It is the same with social anxiety. There are many opportunities to practice interaction with others. When you are at the store shopping, open a conversation with a stranger. Tell your boss you want to conduct more training - not less. The only way to overcome this is to face it head on. There are tips and tricks you can learn but ultimately it is only through more interaction that you will overcome this.
Thanks @Joe Splitrock, I'll take that advice to heart! I'll also look into signing up for a local Dale Carnegie program, which perhaps my company will even pay for which would be lovely.
i agree with @Joe Splitrock. Face it head on. Get very knowledgeable about your area of business.Get uncomfortable(discipline) when making those connections
Use pain to your advantage to get out of the comfort zone i.e. in a situation where you could have started a conversation but let it slip, sting yourself with a rubber band
#2 General Landlording & Rental Properties Contributor
All good suggestions but mostly just telling you to fix yourself.
Success in business is dependant on concentration on what you do best. No one is good at everything which is why smart people surround themselves with others having the highest skill levels where they are lacking. You can dabble over time in making yourself more relaxed with social encounters but it will not move you forward at this stage of your business.
Find the partner you need that has the social interactive skills to be able to sell dead cats.
Don't bother wasting your energies improving your short commings at this stage instead concentrate on honing your attributes that bring to the table the most value to a partner.
Brian I too feel as you do-that is: feeling uneasy in public while speaking, and also that it is time to go forward fulltime in real estate. While I even agree with the need to find a partner that is strong where you wish you were, there is still the time span between now and when you find the correct person. Accordingly let me encourage you that: a) the real estate club meeting you should go to tonight, but are uneasy about speaking at, is the only time this collection of people in this particular mindset (having a property to sell versus maybe not having it next month) will be there, so your not attending will be an opportunity that is lost forever, so let me encourage you to take your shot, b) Think on the times you did have to convey a message, and you did just fine. I would bet it was because you were certain you KNEW what you were talking about, and you could handle any objection or situation. Let me therefore encourage you to do your best to always be learning, and handle anything thrown at you with "I will find out and get back to you", instead of "I don't know", and how you are concerned about how that may look. A lot of people who like to chuckle and belittle are simply doing their best to bring you down, because of their own low opinion of themselves. c) Lastly, don't partner with just anyone, this is almost going to be like a marriage for you, and that person has to be trustworthy of being able to work with you. It is an interview they have to pass, and if they do not, you keep looking-and running your business by yourself. Don't force it, you will find them, and you will get there. Lastly just be adamant, that you are going to make it, as a famous athlete once said: I have made a lot of shots, and missed a lot of shots, but I missed 100% of every shot I did not take.
I can relate to you even though I started singing and reading in church in the 6th grade (50 years ago) and I've spoken to hundreds at a time in business presentations and technical symposia. I'm an introvert by nature, oddly enough.
Dunno if this will help, but how are you 1-on-1?
Think of it this way: public speaking is really just a large number of 1-on-1's going on simultaneously. This helps me keep it in perspective. Look them not in the eye, but look at the bridge of each person's node as you scan the room or look over their heads at the back wall of the room. Those can help also.
Have you sought counseling on this? My initial trepidations were based in my own self-image - my young life was lived in a less than supportive environment. Once I came to terms with that I was able to deal with my nervousness more effectively.
Hope this can help...
David J Dachtera
"Success is not a destination. Failure is not an event. Success is a process, failure is a choice."
- DJ Benedict
Thanks @David Dachtera and @Al Boettger. Your guys' insight is helpful!
Al - You're absolutely right about thinking on the times when I did just fine conveying a message because I was certain I knew what I was talking about. That is something I need work on and having confidence in the message that I'm trying to convey (even if I don't fully believe that I think that portraying it will help as well).
David - I usually do just fine with 1-on-1 situations. I haven't thought of looking at a group situation like that before, so I will give that a shot and see how I do. I haven't sought any counseling for it. I've had a good supportive environment my entire life. I guess I'm just shy and socially awkward by nature. My two sisters definitely aren't this way though haha!
I'm leaving this weekend for a work trip and will be giving some training classes and presentations next week, so I will take all these suggestions and try them out next week!
Bryan I applaud your bravery for such a thread. As hard as it sounds you have to just face whatever fear you have and crush it. I know this sounds harsh but think about it. If this is stoping you from a life you know you deserve and a life your family deserves from the financial abundance of REI. You need to do whatever you need to do to concur your fears.
As far as actionable steps. I would youtube some Tony Robbins Personal Power/overcoming your fear material which I think will put you on a great path. Wishing you all the Best!
Thanks @Ryan Rogers, I will YouTube Tony Robbins and check it out. I appreciate the comment!
@Bryan
@Bryan Potts Everything you described in your post is describing every aspect of my life. I've dealt with SA since my earliest memories. I come from a huge family so family reunions and holidays are extremely difficult for me. I am also married with kids with a job, so i've been successful even with SA I was also able to block it out when i was on the wrestling mat. It's very refreshing to hear a story similar to mine. I have been in real estate for the last 10 years. I am a landlord of 4 different homes. My wife helps me with some aspect, but i have been able to succeed in this field so just know it is possible for you. Actually anything is possible when we get past those self defeating thought that can sometime paralyze us.