Principle 1: Don't Criticize, Condemn, or Complain
“You’re wrong.” These words will put you at odds with anyone. Try it. It’s a tad unethical but I’m experimenting. Again and again I am amazed at people’s deflation. Their shoulders sag, their tone sharpens, and their confidence melts.
Onboard the USS Carney we are tasked with learning the ship’s systems. I was bored by a friends lecture on radars. I interrupted him after ten minutes of verbose detail and said he didn’t know what he was talking about. He tripped on his tongue. He didn’t have to say it, I knew what he was thinking. He wanted to slap the **** out of me. His eyes saved his hands the work.
We know I didn’t have a clue. But I had to break the monotony and run my experiment. It turned the humdrum lesson into one worth value. People do not like to be wrong. Our first technique from How To Win Friends and Influence People: Don’t criticize, condemn, or complain.
“…criticisms are like homing pigeons.”
-Dale Carnegie
Catch yourself when you are not abiding. You will get good. After years of playing, I habitually- usually when I’m hungry- drop the ball. Knowing that I have bobbled allows me to quickly reorient.
Constructive habits should orient your life. If you’re not going up, you’re going down. I’m not helping a thing when I break these simple rules. When I abide I have saved a lot of face.
We are products of our habits. I know this is true. You can’t tell me I’m wrong. I always dismount my bike from the same side. I always use my right hand to eat. I am always quick to find fault. Some of these habits make sense. Rationale is a gift. Don’t let it collect dust like an old college textbook.
“When Dealing with people, let us remember we are not dealing with creatures of logic. We are dealing with creatures of emotion, creatures bristling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity.”
- Dale Carnegie
The more I read the larger my world becomes. The more I read the smaller I seem. You and I, don’t have to be right. Ever. It will not make us bigger. It will not save us time. It will not win us friends.
So forgive me if the next time you are complaining I interrupt you with, “You’re wrong.” “To know all is to forgive all.” Let that marinade.
If you get the chance to play catch or nicely tell someone they are wrong (notice your reaction if someone tells you). Tell me about it! I’d love to hear. What are some simple habits you have overlooked? For now, practice patience and stop whining. This will help us while we network to build our real estate businesses.
P.S. Sorry Dad for the times I bitched when you made me and my friends do chores on a hungover Sunday morning. I wish I didn’t know now, what I knew back then.
And for mom’s fresh honey!!
Nice principal Joseph, I am not one to claim i know everything nor do i believe i know everything, there is always a lot to learn. so i always welcome others opinions, but i have seen exactly the reactions you are talking about when people are told they are wrong, why not just ask if you can make a suggestion or pose a question to them, make them feel you are asking them because they know so much, yet giving them your opinion in a form of a question, it will make them feel just as important while you are still questioning their statements. Btw, you may want to say to try your experiment with friends, you tell a stranger he is wrong, you may end up with a black eye.
I think you and the ever-quotable Dale Carnegie are correct: people bristle when corrected. And, it's not just an ephemeral response. Sometimes, they alleviate that anger by writing you off as pretentious or a know-it-all or generally not good things. So, generally as a rule, I don't tell people when I think they are wrong.
On the flip side though, I don't want people treating me that way. If I'm wrong -- or, if you think I could be wrong -- I want that information. It's sometimes costly to correct someone, but assuming you can soothe your ego, free error correction is worth a lot.
The combination has lead me to (recently) conclude that's what I want in (all manner of) partners. If the person can't handle correction -- for the sake of actually figuring things out, anyway -- it's bound to blow up.
